| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| skizzik |
Posted - 10/04/2008 : 12:13:20
Don't read this and move on.
I have a hunch about my orgins of tms and I want to get some feedback on your experiences to help me. A simple sentence will do. If you have the time to peek here, you can surely write a sentence or two of the first thing that comes to mind.
The twist here is I'm not asking what worked for you to get rid of your tms, I'm looking for some common denomenators. This is to help me with what I hope is an "aha" moment. Or what I feel may be one. If your'e sick of me saturating this board lately then you should feel even more compelled to jot down a sentence or two to help me get the eventual f*@# out of here!
What preceded your tms or relapse of it? In other words, you can mention the physical trigger, but in your life were things spiriling out of control? Was there a build up of unhappiness as you look back in hindsight?
If you had a different personality trait that would have put you thru this time in your life with out the stress what would that personality trait have been?
Also, would that personality trait that you feel would've been beneficial at that time something that you envy in others or think is careless and sinful if you took it on yourself?
Or, was everything in life going very well, and then out of the blue the tms trigger was pulled?
I will post later what I think I'm finding out about myself later, but I don't want to bias your experience.
There's at least a hundred or so lookers here regularly, so whether or not your'e in pain, a newbie, a vet, whatever, jot down here a simple sentence or two or a paragraph about what transpired. Theres no reason not to have a few dozen examples.
you too Monte  |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Effie |
Posted - 04/17/2009 : 19:39:32
I know this post is to be just about what caused a relapse but I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who posted here for helping me avoid one!
I don't post here too often, but I check the forum frequently -- when I'm not in pain I find reading too many of the posts here seems to make me focus on it again. But this past week I had to go away for training out of state -- the same place where I went for training several years ago and consequently came home with a considerable amount of pain that kept increasing until it became almost intolerable. Thanks to my learning about TMS (finally) the pain has been mostly gone for a while now so although I was a little fearful of going back there again for another class, I knew that it was one of the obstacles I had to face according to Dr. Sarno.
Sure enough, on the second day of the course, all my exact same symptoms started returning! I was under a lot of stress from the class I was taking and starting to focus on the pain again and starting to really "freak out" about it -- so I came here and found this thread -- reading all your posts was so helpful!! I saw myself in so many of them and even though I don't usually think of myself as the type of person who is easily stressed out, it helped me remember that I AM that type of person, and that helped me to just "let go" and admit to myself that I don't have to be perfect, that it's okay to be average or (gasp!) below average, that even the instructor told us not to stress out about the class - it wasn't a "pass/fail" type of thing. Also, the last time the pain started in my right elbow, so I've since learned to mouse with my left arm -- and sure enough, the pain returned in my right elbow again! Talk about classic TMS -- I wasn't even using that arm and all the symptoms came roaring back, so obviously due to stress and not due to anything physical.
Once I started getting all that into my head and accepting it, I was able to let go of the "fear of the pain" because I knew it was just TMS -- I find religion helps me a lot and I just turned everything over to Jesus (not preaching here -- I definitely believe everyone has a right to believe what they will, but that's just what helps me personally) and asked Him to help me be humble and to stop me from being so obsessive over everything and just RELAX! I wrote it all down and kept it with me to read when I needed it. It worked, because the pain subsided almost instantaneously and I was fine the rest of the trip. A few twinges -- but just kept reminding myself not to take everything so seriously -- and I was able to enjoy the rest of my trip! I think it really helped to nip it in the bud -- here are some of the posts that I found especially helpful:
From winnieboo: Listen to the voice inside your head and listen to how you perceive and construct story lines for the happenings in your life. Are they negative? Mine were and still often are. THIS is what has to change. Is my life so terrible and sad? I often think so, but NO ONE ELSE DOES!! I have a great life!!
Hazl: Personality traits that contribute to TMS: I'm a worrier, I put stress on myself to do things "right", and I put stress on myself to be good at things that support my self-image. To be honest, I'm also a bit self-centered and too dependent on others. Personality traits I don't have that might have helped: the ability to let things go, not take small things seriously, and laugh at myself.
debbette: I've had so many people close to me die (8) in the last 6 years and haven't really grieved (hard to do with a little kid wrapped around my leg 24/7!). My MIL (loved her!) died in Jan. and I didn't even cry! That's when my toes started tingling.
I'm also a perfectionist and put tremendous pressure on myself to do everything perfectly.
HellNY: I would say a relapse happens when a transient pain or other component of your previous chronic pain levels appears. But at that moment one begins to take notice and fall back into the trap of fearing, wondering and analzying it. This feeds its, which in turn causes it to grow, which in turn leads to more obsessing, which causes it to grow more, etc etc.
Then, the analytical, obsessive and compulsive mind falls back into the trap of obsessing over the condition and how miserable one is and spends most all one's time thinking about it and posting about it. And seeking the same answers over and over again. All the while each moment spent obsessing and yearning and trying to "solve" is another shovel deeper into the hole.
These, AND all the rest, were such great posts!! Thanks for helping me out of the hole once again!!
 |
| phillyjoe |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 09:06:42
I can't remember the doctor's name but I read a quote sometime back about this Administrator at a Psych. hospital in England who said "I could dischage half the hospital today if people could only learn how to forgive." Forgiveness, in myself and toward others, is an area of life I continue to strive for to mantain physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. Peace. |
| mikescott_98 |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 08:38:38
I recently found on the web some old "Loveline" MP3s. They are hilarious and the reason I started listing to them was for humor alone. Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla have a knack of picking up on things that the callers were not saying and were likely the cause of the problems the people were having. I believe many of the people that called the show could use Sarno book to help them out!
Within days of listening to some of the episodes, I have had severe lower back spasms (and as of right now still do).
There are 2 things that were brought to my "conscious" attention and assume that one or both might be the cause of my current episode.
Some of the callers to the show have a disorder of cutting themselves on purpose. Dr. Drew then asks if they pull hair or pick at skin irritations? I have noticed in the past year or so that I have been pulling some of my eyebrow hairs and also picking at skin rashes. Dr. Drew said these are OCD disorders (which are mentioned in Dr. San's books as TMS equivalents). I assume that since this TMS equivalant was outed, my mind is pusnishing me by the old stand by...severe back pain.
The other thing that I noticed was that after hearing the callers problem, Dr. Drew would ask if they were molested as a child? If they were not, he would ask if one or both of their parents were an alcoholic? My dad was an alcoholic all during my childhood, but never physically did any harm to me or any of my siblings. I honestly think my childhood was many times better than my father's since he ran away from home at the age of 15. Although I would not think that having a non-abusive alcoholic father could be still be bothering me 25 years after I have moved out on my own, it is odd that my new back pain corresponds to me hearing Dr. Drew diagnose that as being the cause of many of his callers problems.
I am not sure which of these is the newest cause, or if it the sme old stresses of everyday life, but I know I will beat it in the next couple of days, I am listen to the the Healing Back Pain CD doing work as normal.
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| inaned |
Posted - 04/13/2009 : 00:21:30
Same here. Job loss, uncertainty about the future, a couple of old triggers....It went on for more that three weeks. The reason my sciatica came back was the I was expecting it to, after so much stress. The moment I realized this, the pain disappeared. |
| Webdan65 |
Posted - 04/12/2009 : 09:30:07
My most recent episode happened when I was helping my dad to move into a new place. Family issues and tensions with Dad moving from 300 miles away, to across town. Knowing mom, bro and sis were totally not looking forward to it. Seeing dad at 75 becoming more frail and helpless. Starting to lose his wits asking me the same questions over and over. Feeling like it's my job to be the peace keeper - help dad and keep the rest of the family calm.
During this time, I have had pain and even some spasms hit me that I had to talk myself down from. Fortunately due to my TMS understanding - I was able to laugh when it hit and not pay it much attention. When I go back home - the pain subsides.
But to answer the initial question of what preceeds TMS?
Dealing with difficult parents and family issues. Dad gets on everyone's nerves and I'm the only one who can tollerate him and the only one seeming to take time to help him.
Lots of deep anger and frustration issues here. That along with the helplessness of not knowing what to do for the old bugger.
Phew... |
| Northerner |
Posted - 04/11/2009 : 21:13:25
My latest relapse occurred the Monday morning after Thanksgiving (my major symptoms started the year before, a week before Christmas).
I had just returned from the Thanksgiving weekend with my parents and sister. My sister asked me if I wanted to have a big 50th birthday party. I was pretty upset about the economy, my depleted pension and a very uncertain future for my consulting business. I told my sister that I didn't want a big party - I didn't want to be reminded of turnign 50 a time when I was feeling financially unstable.
The pressures of getting everything done before Christmas, plus money problems, plus turning 50 at a time when I was facing financial insecurity - an age at which, years ago, I had thought I would be financially sturdy - were what likely brought this on. The next morning I woke up in pain, after being almost pain free the night before.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
- Mark Twain |
| missangel |
Posted - 04/09/2009 : 10:12:28
I believe my TMS began around March 2008. It started with arm/shoulder pain and fingers tingling on my right arm only. I assumed at the time it was from my long hours on the internet, as well as gripping the mouse while photoshopping. I was newly married (4 months) and we just bought a house that month. By June of last year I had my first panic attack. It began with my "bad" arm/hand going numb. It was completely paralyzed during the panic attack, from shoulder to fingertips. I think I convinced myself I was having a stroke (at 32!). Backtrack a couple months prior to the attack: my husband freaked out on me in public after drinking heavily. It was gut wrenching, embarassing and very degrading (he's an Iraq war vet, and understands now it's best he doesn't drink). That same month I took my mom to the emergency room for extreme pain (she has colon cancer). At some point before the panic attacks started I became very depressed thinking about my mother possibly dying in the somewhat near future, as well as my old dog & 2 cats who are the same ages (guess you have to be an animal lover to get that part). I steadily went downhill and had what I perceive as a nervous breakdown last November. I'm much better now and will begin TMS therapy soon after I finish MBP. I know I have control issues and perfectionistic qualities I need to work on, as well as many others, I'm sure! MBP is confirming some of what I already knew. |
| hambone |
Posted - 10/18/2008 : 18:55:53
I hated my job (introvert in an extremely high pressure, high profile, save the world type job) and was extremely unhappy in my marriage. Riddled with "Shoulds" at home and work, especially a superhuman sense of responsibility to make good things happen and huge guilt if they did not. Possible also survivor guilt after losing my best friend in Vietnam War. But now I'm divorced and retired but still riddled with tms at multiple sites. I'm turning over heaven and earth trying to find the cause. It may still be the survivor guilt. Best of luck. Hambone |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 10/18/2008 : 17:06:38
I think you'll like the books! Speaking of Monte, I went back and read a bunch of his previous posts. I actually think his stuff has a silver bullet. He's a big proponent of changing your internal dialogue, which webdan talks about on another thread. And he (Monte) thinks the need to uncover all the long-lost repressed sewage is bs (his term...). I'm beginning to agree. I've dug up plenty of garbage, and I'm not sure what it's done to ease my physical pain. Interesting, informative...and maybe it's helped me to be more flexible and less controlling. Okay, that's huge. But it's painful to bring it up, and I, like many others, question whether or not it's necessary to get well. Obviously not, as many others have recovered without such measures!
The most relief I've seen is from doing the things on Mala's short list (I know that's on another thread, too; they're all starting to run together). And I also think we need to find a way to be kind to ourselves. That's a big one. |
| skizzik |
Posted - 10/18/2008 : 08:46:35
thanx winnie. You've been such a positive for me when I'm so down.
I even grabbed a couple Chondron books from the library yesterday based on your reccomendation. I'm waiting for them to get "start from now" or whatever it's called in a couple days. Unlike b4, I'm not getting her books as the "this is it" silver bullet, but I have to admit, all the books I've read have something that resonate w/ me when I'm in the trenches w/ tms. Even Monte's  |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 10/17/2008 : 08:49:51
Hi Skiz,
quote:
I've given up the search for what "inner work" is supposed to mean. btw, Mala was influential in that too for me. It appears Mala has let go of trying to figure things out and is just getting on. I've done extreme inner work for almost 2 years now. Giving up the journaling in a weird way has given me some time to reflect on whats going on in my life, perhaps it's helping me do "inner work" w/out realizing it. I don't think you can force inner work, I've tried hard.
quote:
From Positivevibes: Sometimes I wonder what the hell is buried deep witin my psyche that my body has to cover up so well with physical pain. It must be a doozie, because my mind is working overtime to create all this pain and fear.
Inner work isn't only about dragging out all your smelly childhood garbage, is it? I've done that over and over, and I still get stuck in that trap of "what else is there????" I was just with my therapist and she told me that fixating on the sucky childhood, or what I perceive as "all my past mistakes" is a distraction, too, just like the pain.
She constantly focuses sessions on the NOW, even when I'm playing that old tape of my childhood woes and current aches and pains. She'll say, "What's happening now?" I'm always astonished at how much pours out. There are so many feelings that I don't and can't yet seem to face head on. I repress what happened an hour ago, or yesterday!
I think inner work is about being more alert to what's happening in the moment and what the feelings are then, rather than saving or swallowing them, or letting them fester into tension and pain. It's struggling toward a new way of doing things, of making new habits. Journaling doesn't work for me (because I default to negativity), but I think some people are good at using the journal to do exactly that.
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| skizzik |
Posted - 10/17/2008 : 04:22:02
quote:
Originally posted by positivevibes
But we all know that TMS will prevail if we don't do the inner work.
I've given up the search for what "inner work" is supposed to mean. btw, Mala was influential in that too for me. It appears Mala has let go of trying to figure things out and is just getting on. I've done extreme inner work for almost 2 years now. Giving up the journaling in a weird way has given me some time to reflect on whats going on in my life, perhaps it's helping me do "inner work" w/out realizing it. I don't think you can force inner work, I've tried hard.
quote:
Originally posted by positivevibes
I recently told my kids that being in constant pain was like someone blasting loud heavy metal music in your ear all day long. You can't think straight. You can't even really think at all. It seems to short-circuit something. Amazing how it does that -- shouts at you so loud that you can't think or feel anything else. Talk about grabbing your attention and distracting you...sheesh....
Yes, this description is perfect. Though I've kept it a secret from my kids as I don't want them to know. Not that I'm a better tms'r (whatever that means) for it, I'm just too scared to let them know. They're all under 8 anyways.
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| positivevibes |
Posted - 10/16/2008 : 19:20:38
Winnieboo, you are so right about "going to the physical first" and falling back into old patterns of denial when you get a TMS attack. I think that I've been tending to do that because in the past, physical treatments such as PT or acupuncture "cured" me quickly. When you've gotten total relief from quick-fix (placebo) treatments, you come to expect that it will be that way all the time....like when you have a mild headache, take a pill, and it goes away. "Can't that be the case this time, too"?, you think. "Maybe if I just see this doctor and get this treatment it will go away again...."
But we all know that TMS will prevail if we don't do the inner work. I think everyone on this message board has realized that at one time or another. It's so much easier to think that it's physical, so much less risky to your psyche, so much less challenging to the emotions. It's VERY hard work to change how you feel about these sorts of things. The patterns and conditioning can be so deeply ingrained. The fear can be so strong, overwhelming, and paralyzing. And the entire situation gets confusing.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell is buried deep witin my psyche that my body has to cover up so well with physical pain. It must be a doozie, because my mind is working overtime to create all this pain and fear.
I recently told my kids that being in constant pain was like someone blasting loud heavy metal music in your ear all day long. You can't think straight. You can't even really think at all. It seems to short-circuit something. Amazing how it does that -- shouts at you so loud that you can't think or feel anything else. Talk about grabbing your attention and distracting you...sheesh....
Skizzik, I know what you mean about the depression. I've been fighting mild depression for years. I've been on and off several SSRIs. Most recently, I've been off the drugs for the past 3 years. Is it just a coincidence that my back pain returned about a year after being off my last SSRI? A psychiatrist will tell a person with depression that he has a chemical imbalance. Well I think that if s person is schizophrenic or horribly paranoid or a sociopath, then certainly drugs are in order. But for mild depression....is it really necessary? Is the depression just your mind's way of saying that you haven't been true to yourself, that you are just not facing some great truth(s) about your life -- that you are still trying to cover something up?
I think it gets down to loving yourself and accepting yourself. Two things I've always had trouble with.
quote:
Originally posted by winnieboo
My pain creeped back last week. I fought with it and won, thankfully, but I have the hardest time pinpointing what's going on when the twinge becomes sharper and more lasting...When it was happening, I knew that I was keyed up because my son was coming in for a visit from college, his first time back since he moved in September, and he was bringing two of his new buddies. I was in hyper mode all week, shopping, cooking up a storm and I was also exercising a lot more than usual. When the pain crept back, I went back and forth with "well, I'm excited about the weekend," to "well, I overdid it at the gym--hope I didn't do anything dreadful!"
By Friday, the day of my son's arrival, I couldn't turn my neck to the left. At all. Finally he arrived. I administered two full glasses of wine at dinner (for the sake of my neck, of course!) and took a deep breath. By Monday, I was pain-free again, and I realized the whole looming relapse that just came and went was entirely about my son. He had a rough couple of years and while he's doing great and is very successful now, I still worry about him. Seeing him and talking to him was reassuring for me, but until he came home, I was full of tension...the big T in TMS.
I find it interesting that whenever pain or a relapse is coming on, I still fall into my old patterns of denial. I tend to go to the physical first, and when I turn to the emotions and find them, it still takes me awhile to acknowledge, sort out and then accept my feelings. The perfectionist in me isn't patient enough yet to always settle back and let the thoughts process and float through without the tension.
This might be slightly off subject (and not one sentence!), but I thought the example would apply regarding relapse and triggers.
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| skizzik |
Posted - 10/16/2008 : 17:59:30
hey guys, great thread! I've been away for a few days, half effort, and half just way busy.
I had satrurated the board w/ so much b4 this topic that I thought everyone would roll their eyes and blow it off, which is why I really hoped you'd guys would post. I was only hoping for a sentence or two, but it looks like when you guys started, you got flowing and that was really helpful.
elorac and winnie, perhaps I made that a buildup it shouldn't have been. When I started the thread it was after watching that pbs monkey show on the guy who did blood work on baboons for years and determined that the monkeys in "control" were stress free and had little health problems, and the monkey subordinates were very stressed and had symptoms of stress as in increased cortisol, clogging arteries, and were just marinating in stress hormones.
Then I got to thinking about "control" and my lack of it, and perfectionist need of it when all my symptoms appeared and relapsed. And what I've been thru, am going thru, combined w/ my personality, and an incredible tms trigger/nocebo to boot; it is a TMS nuclear explosion that is continuing to crush me.
All the journaling in the world in my case (I "stress" in my case only) is only working against me because it too causes inner conflict as "I should be getting results w/ all this journaling, and yet am not, therefore it can't be TMS" and perpetuates the pain ever more. (See "flybynights" 50cents to recovery thread).
As I read the stories here (thanx everyone for posting) I feel that it's kind of relaying the conclusion that I'm coming too and that I have more an issue of control and lack of in life rather than repressed anger from a s--tty childhood. Of course the childhood established traits in me that lead to TMS. (Am I making any damn sense right now??? )
Anyways, I have loads of changes going on at work, home, w/ family, just simply loads and loads. There appears to be no end in sight. And I find myself making some changes in my thinking about everything based on what I've read here and many books I've read recently. Kinda thinking like the personality traits you guys had wished you had, "easygoing", "letting go", "not caring so much" ...etc
I think I'm just rambling here. I don't know. being off the board for a few days was unique, unlike when I forced myself off of it a little while back. So thats a good sign that I'm not here every 10min anymore. The pain, depression from it, crappy feelings are very much alive but I've been letting go of my thoughts by not arguing w/ them as much. I just keep telling myself all I have is my actions. I live the TMS lifestyle, I conciously believe it's tms, I do everything despite the pain, but I have no control over the depression from it. And I've been afraid to let go because it felt the same as giving up. As if I'd head for the surgeon's table, but someone w/ tms told me that "for now, giving up is letting go". And I've just kind of "given up" right now. And it's a relief mentally because I never did have time to come here and read and post, and yet I was so desperate". The desperateness seems to be fading, as well as the "panic" to get better. A huge work change is happening which I've been anticipating for over a year, and it will be interesting to see what effect it has on my "control, stress, self esteem" issues.
I think the search for the silver bullet of my recovery has come to an end, and that may be a relief, but I'd be lying if I did'nt say it comes w/ out some decent depression.
Since I've been away for a few days I've been dwelling on Hellny, flybynight, Hillbilly, and Dave's posts that have been helping me to have this sink in. Whatever it is thats sinking in.
Anyways, this thread is for everyone, so it would be interesting to see what you guys think about the above replies and what common denominators you see.
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| winnieboo |
Posted - 10/16/2008 : 11:16:39
quote:
I will post later what I think I'm finding out about myself later, but I don't want to bias your experience.
I'm curious to know what you're finding out...are you ready to share anything yet? |
| winnieboo |
Posted - 10/14/2008 : 18:34:36
My pain creeped back last week. I fought with it and won, thankfully, but I have the hardest time pinpointing what's going on when the twinge becomes sharper and more lasting...When it was happening, I knew that I was keyed up because my son was coming in for a visit from college, his first time back since he moved in September, and he was bringing two of his new buddies. I was in hyper mode all week, shopping, cooking up a storm and I was also exercising a lot more than usual. When the pain crept back, I went back and forth with "well, I'm excited about the weekend," to "well, I overdid it at the gym--hope I didn't do anything dreadful!"
By Friday, the day of my son's arrival, I couldn't turn my neck to the left. At all. Finally he arrived. I administered two full glasses of wine at dinner (for the sake of my neck, of course!) and took a deep breath. By Monday, I was pain-free again, and I realized the whole looming relapse that just came and went was entirely about my son. He had a rough couple of years and while he's doing great and is very successful now, I still worry about him. Seeing him and talking to him was reassuring for me, but until he came home, I was full of tension...the big T in TMS.
I find it interesting that whenever pain or a relapse is coming on, I still fall into my old patterns of denial. I tend to go to the physical first, and when I turn to the emotions and find them, it still takes me awhile to acknowledge, sort out and then accept my feelings. The perfectionist in me isn't patient enough yet to always settle back and let the thoughts process and float through without the tension.
This might be slightly off subject (and not one sentence!), but I thought the example would apply regarding relapse and triggers. |
| HellNY |
Posted - 10/14/2008 : 12:44:59
quote:
Originally posted by skizzik
quote:
Originally posted by HellNY
I would say a relapse happens when a transient pain or other component of your previous chronic pain levels appears. But at that moment one begins to take notice and fall back into the trap of fearing, wondering and analzying it. This feeds its, which in turn causes it to grow, which in turn leads to more obsessing, which causes it to grow more, etc etc.
Then, the analytical, obsessive and compulsive mind falls back into the trap of obsessing over the condition and how miserable one is and spends most all one's time thinking about it and posting about it. And seeking the same answers over and over again. All the while each moment spent obsessing and yearning and trying to "solve" is another shovel deeper into the hole.
is this your scientific way of saying "your'e doing it again skizzik"
Kind of. But if you're reading this now Im not sure it helped. |
| positivevibes |
Posted - 10/13/2008 : 18:47:52
Two clear-cut cases for me:
1. Was at a spa ready to get a treatment (paying at the front desk). Credit card was denied because the stupid credit card company was "routinely" checking for fraud. I could not rant at them on the phone, but I was very upset. My upper back muscle spasmed.
2. I run a small business. Found out suddenly that one of my major vendors had been aquired by a larger company...future of big moneymaking product suddenly became uncertain, which produced a lot of stress for me. While telling a friend about it, my lower back spasmed.
If that's not TMS, I don't know what is!
Personality traits:
I have all the traits that Sarno writes about, but the worst are probably catastrophizing and being way too hard on myself. Regarding connecting with my inner child -- well that is hard for some reason. I grew up in a very scary inner city type of neighborhood and although nothing actually "happened" to me, I did HEAR one person get killed when I was about 4 years old (spousal abuse in the next apartment), and I SAW somebody get killed when I was about 13 years old (hit with hammer until he fell into the gutter and died -- directly across the street from my bedroom window). So I guess you could say I've had some trauma.
Despite this, I was a very driven young woman and graduated at the top of my class in both high school and college. And I had an overwhelming fear of failure, which continues to follow me. Even little things. I think that I'm insecure, and I take criticisms very hard.
The best "adult" example I can give is: I played guitar my whole life (acoustic, but just chords, self-taught). For my 40th birthday I bought myelf a beautiful Fender Stratocaster electric guitar and began taking lessons to learn how to "play lead." I was "almost there" with the theory stuff when my flaky teacher quit the music school. No other teachers used his method. So I was left high and dry. I let this get the best of me, and didn't do anything about it. I didn't try to find another teacher, I just let it go. Now 7 years later I found that I've "lost" much of what I learned and playing guitar only makes me feel like a failure. That's really screwed up, isn't it? I feel like I've lost part of myself somehow.
You all bring up a really good point about the inner child. I'm allowing something to hold me back. I never seem to have fun anymore. Nothing seems very compelling or interesting to me anymore. I know that I'm depressed. What came first, the back pain or the depression? I'm seriously considering trying anti-depressants.
And one more thing: I started reading Echart Tolle, and I need to read his books again. I got close to feeling pretty good....and for some reason, I pulled back from it.
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| Elorac |
Posted - 10/12/2008 : 11:22:01
TMS manifested in me just over a year ago in the form of acute low back pain, triggered when I was at work one day and bent down to pick something up. Leading up to this point I can look back and see that there had been ongoing low level, and sometimes acute, stress in my life due to family circumstances for many years of my adult life. Also, I hadn't realised how my personality traits (perfectionist, goodist etc.) were affecting me. I knew that whenever I lay in bed worrying at night, it was never about me, but about my husband or my daughter. But I didn't know then that it was because of my need to "take care" of them amd "be in control" of situations. I think this is the main personality trait that has been my downfall. I do envy others who are able to care for other people without feeling responsible somehow. And I suppose I envy those who seem to just "not care" or at least not worry about things or feel like they have to try and do something to fix other people's problems. These are some of the things I try to be aware of now. Sometimes it seems like I'm trying to make myself more selfish. But I think it is more like trying to be less selfless, which isn't the same thing as selfish.... hope that makes sense!
Of course, since I found out about TMS, about 3 months ago, I have realised that I have had TMS before, although never to the degree that it has been this time when I had to give up my job. Some of the instances I have been able to correlate with specific stressful times and events. With me it often seems to be delayed onset, in that I cope well with stressful situations, by being good at repressing no doubt, and then when things ease up a bit that's when I get the physical symptoms. Now that I know what's going on, hopefully that will change.
I'm interested to know what it is that you are finding out about yourself Skizzik.
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| Wavy Soul |
Posted - 10/10/2008 : 08:35:46
Since I seem to have one symptom or another most of the time, I can honestly say that I have had multiple, multiple triggers over many decades, which I have never felt "caught up" with. I've written about them before - a series of unfortunate events that are jaw-dropping when I tell them. Don't feel inclined to tell them right now, as I'm feeling a strong need to get out of the story. But I will say that I just woke up with a migraine and having just had a dream in which I was crying to my dead father about how he ignores me. I let myself keep crying for a while.
My TMS successes come from having fairly major symptoms go away. But I generally get other ones in short order and used to say I had "fibromyalgia."
I think my triggers have to do with being challenged in feelings of loneliness, neediness, security and dependence.
I would say that the change needed is a movement towards dependence on the I AM consciousness within me as the source of everything I need. I'm moving gradually in this direction.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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