| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Laura |
Posted - 08/30/2007 : 11:35:32
Hi everyone. I haven't been posting on the forum in nearly two years. You see, when I divorced my husband my dizziness all but went away. I blamed him for the trip to Cancun he dragged me on and the boat ride we took when the vertigo all began back about 6 years ago (I can't honestly remember - just a guess).
So, I've been living on my own in an apartment, draining my bank account from the divorce settlement. I had a boyfriend who cheated all over the place on me and after nine months I cut him loose. It was a very difficult time in my life, as for some reason I actually thought I loved him.
After the breakup, I met my current guy and we have been together for a year and two months. We have had plenty of ups and downs and have broken up many times. Well, just the other day he's talking to me about what he thinks I need to do (to get my website up and running and start my photography business). He is five years younger than me but loves to constantly tell me how to conduct myself and run my life. Obviously, being a single mother of two, I need to get a gig going. But you see, I've been paralyzed with fear for these two years I've been on my own. I just collect my alimony/child support check (which barely covers my bills) and continue to drain my bank account. My ex husband pays for nothing for the kids except the basics, and thus expects me to cover any extra expenditures (including new school clothes last week - which I paid for as well). I know what I need to do, and yet it's almost as if I'm paralyzed and stuck in quicksand, afraid to move forward and do it.
So, a couple of days ago (after an emotionally charged week of another near breakup and makeup) I'm talking to my guy. I'm laying on my bed, listening to him tell me what I need to be doing. Meanwhile, I'd just bathed my dog and was about to clean house (I hate cleaning house!) I talk to my guy for about fifteen minutes, hearing all the things he thinks I need to do, and about five to ten minutes after I stand up my back goes into spasm and it begins to hurt like hell.
That was on Tuesday. Typically, and I know I'm going to get yelled at for this so I'm bracing myself, I go to my chiro and he "adjusts" me and I'm good to go. I know, I know. Sarno would say "no f-ing way" to that but I do it anyway. Obviously, not the right way to handle this TMS demon. Well, I went to him and the next day it was worse. So, I went back and he used the "stem" treatment (like a TENS unit, which relaxes the muscles). He iced my back down and adjusted it again. Now, I'm doubled over in pain (still) and I'm wearing lidocaine patches from my boyfriend to help numb the pain. It hurts like HELL.
I don't know where my book is and don't have the strength to go rummaging through my garage to find it in the box of books. So, I thought I'd post back on the forum and talk about my problem and the possible stressors that caused it. I'm venting. My back still hurts. I'm sure I'll need to do a heck of a lot more than this.
Any thoughts?
P.S. It's good to be back.
Laura |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| miche |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 15:42:20
Hey Art, don't blame yourself buddy, it is completely understandable to want to protect one's friends from what we feel may harm them, you spoke from your heart and from your truth, nothing wrong with that! |
| art |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 14:22:53
Thanks miche..I feel deeply for Laura as well..And I'm sincerely sorry if it didn't appear that way...I've been there myself. More than once. |
| miche |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 13:32:15
You sum it off nicely Art, I suppose that most of us have been in the throes of despair at one time or another, it is difficult, scary even to let go of the familiar and enter new territory, I always found that the only way one can get out of a depressive state of mind is to have a mission, a purpose, my only goal at one time was to hold it together so my son would not see my despair, I faked it for a long time, it forced me to do things I had no desire to do, I feel deeply for Laura, I know how she feels I took my partner back three times before I realised that it was never going to work and it took that long before I stopped loving him , five years of trying to make it work, believing he could change, Laura will do what she feels is right for her, and only time will prove her right or wrong.All we can do is honor her choices and wish her the best. |
| art |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 12:30:31
quote:
"...friends again"
I'm glad Laura. Truly.
You know, just speaking for myself here, but I've lately been thinking about these reservoirs of very powerful, very painful emotions we all have..
Grief, sadness, intense loneliness...There they sit inside of us, well beneath our every day awareness for the most part, vast underground lakes of these just terribly, terribly painful emotions...Then along comes some life experience, a break-up, a profound life change, whatever and wham, up rush these emotions that just knock the breath out of us...
It seems to me that each one of these feelings tells a kind of profound human truth..a comment on the human condition that we're generally not in touch with, no doubt because it's too painful..Sometimes I think it's the emotions themselves that count, not the life experience that accompanies them.
Maybe looking at things in this slightly different way is helpful in that it gives us a larger perspective...It's not the break-up so much that's the important thing here in other words, but the feelings of loneliness it evokes, and what these feelings say about being a human being...
I know that's not going to be particularly helpful to you right away, but maybe food for thought later on...?
Since TMS is all about repression and distraction, maybe there's some applicability there as well...
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| Laura |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 18:04:38
Yes, Art. Friends again. I'm just feeling like an open wound right now. I didn't want you to be right either. I truly love Steve with all my heart but it is apparent and obvious that the love was a one sided thing.
I am trying to get through this with the help of the couple of friends that I have and my kids. This breakup to me has almost been more painful than my divorce. I suppose that is because we did love so passionately and now there's just an empty space where there was a relationship. I feel sad, empty, and depressed. I want to push myself forward but have no idea how to do that.
So, off I go to work out. My back is still hurting, but I will push through the TMS b.s. and do it anyway. I've only cried four or five times today, not the entire day, so maybe I'm getting better.
I have no hard feelings against anyone here. Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I'm sure I'll be posting again before it's up.
Laura |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 18:01:50
Yes, Art. Friends again. I'm just feeling like an open wound right now. I didn't want you to be right either. I truly love Steve with all my heart but it is apparent and obvious that the love was a one sided thing.
I am trying to get through this with the help of the couple of friends that I have and my kids. This breakup to me has almost been more painful than my divorce. I suppose that is because we did love so passionately and now there's just an empty space where there was a relationship. I feel sad, empty, and depressed. I want to push myself forward but have no idea how to do that.
So, off I go to work out. My back is still hurting, but I will push through the TMS b.s. and do it anyway. I've only cried four or five times today, not the entire day, so maybe I'm getting better.
I have no hard feelings against anyone here. Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I'm sure I'll be posting again before it's up.
Laura |
| art |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 12:36:50
quote:
Especially here where we all take turns psychoanalyzing each other...
It's funny in that I was as grateful for your defense as I was peeved at michelle's manner..I still object to her school yard style ("way to go art"... "way to chase laura off"), but I had to own she had picked up on something..
PLus I've been feeling lousy about the exchange between laura and I...I really care about her a lot. So I'm grateful that she re-opened the case so to speak...
ACL, I don't think you need to bow out of these things, although of course it's up to you...What you say, tongue in cheek though it may have been, is right...that's what we do to a large extent..When we post, we can't be surprised that's what happens//
Hell, it's part of the fun... |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 12:26:28
One of the unfortunate things about online forums is that it's not possible to tell by visual or audio cues how someone is feeling. Text cues are more limited. I can say from my own experience that if you post online when you are in a vulnerable state, you may get more than you want, even if people are trying to be helpful and remain considerate and civil. The same is true in life, I guess, it's just magnified here because of the lack of cues and the fact that ultimately we are strangers rather than friends or acquaintances, and know very little about each other. So, well, I'm going to wise up and stay out of the specific problems from here on, but in general I think it's wise to bear in mind what might happen. And to communicate about what you do want, like Laura just did.
Especially here where we all take turns psychoanalyzing each other...
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| art |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 12:22:17
quote:
Originally posted by Laura
And, yes Art. I do respect you. I just don't like your approach sometimes. Like I say, I'm in a serious depression right now. I am crying like a baby as I write on this forum. I just need a verbal "hug" right now. That's it. I just need a place to vent and to be heard, without feeling judged.
Hey sweeheart, you know you can always have all the hugs you want from me.. (((( ))))
We go back a long way as I said, and I you know how I feel about you...I was with you through some intense times way back when, and I was so happy to be helpful. You know that..
I knew you were mad at me, and maybe I was a bit miffed myself in all honesty. I don't want to be "right" and that's the honest truth. It doesn't in any way make me feel good that things didn't work out with you two...If anything, it's all quite depressing...
I'm there for you any time you want. You need only ask...
I promise to try to be more gentle next time. How's that sound?
Friends again? |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 11:51:34
And, yes Art. I do respect you. I just don't like your approach sometimes. Like I say, I'm in a serious depression right now. I am crying like a baby as I write on this forum. I just need a verbal "hug" right now. That's it. I just need a place to vent and to be heard, without feeling judged. |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 11:47:39
I've been processing since yesterday. I figured out that massage school is definitely not for me. I talked to my friend, Mark, a massage therapist I used to see years ago. He told me how physically taxing it is on your body. He told me that unless I'm 100% sure that's what I want then it probably isn't for me. He said when he was doing it (he quit and has no desire to return) at the end of the day he felt "empty and drained." He said, "At the end of the day, I felt like I had given and given all my energy to my clients, and came up short as there was nothing left in my for myself." He said if my back bothers me from time to time that it would be hard on me, as you use your ENTIRE body to give a massage and you must be strong. Also, I told him I would be grossed out by some 500 pound, extremely hairy guy and he told me that would probably be a problem then.
So, then I went back to thinking about the thing I do love, which is photography. I could take some classes at the local college to learn the technical aspects of photography, for a heck of a lot less than $13,000. I will need to design a website and I'll need to get an ad in the local magazine where other photographers advertise. Of course, I looked in that very magazine and found this woman's website and when I looked at it became completely depressed. It's amazing and she's an amazing photographer. I'm nowhere near that. There is music playing on the website, and the song ("Somewhere Over The Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole) that goes with the pictures she shows reminds me of Steve and I and our trip to Maui. We bought this guy's CD while we were there (he took me for a week for my birtday). Unfortunately, I can't seem to escape Steve right now, no matter how hard I try.
My friend told me that she believes I am "addicted" to Steve like a junkie. I think this may be an accurate statement. You don't spend 14 solid months, day in and day out, traveling together, cooking together, being with that person physically, emotionally, and NOT feel a loss when you don't speak for a week. I'm having a difficult time concentrating on anything these days. Like I said, only I can figure this all out for me.
I did stop writing after what Art wrote. Michelle is correct. I didn't come back to this forum to be given a lecture by someone who has never met me and who is not inside my head. I think Art means well but sometimes I think that he offers his opinion and if the person on the other end doesn't do exactly as he would do or as he recommends then he gets judgmental and makes you feel worse. Nobody wants to be kicked when they are already down. It takes a lot for me to get on here and share this stuff. Yes, I'm venting, but ultimately I make all my own decisions. Do we all want input? Sure we do. I have two kids. They don't always do as I would do or what I recommend but that's how life works. At the end of the day, all we really have is ourself. I can't do always do for me what Art would do or my dear friend Gina would do (She recommends never talking to Steve again. She says a man can't love you and treat you this way.) Yes, Art did recommend a year ago to not go out with Steve, based on the things he had heard through me (we used to email each other). I decided to do otherwise. In retrospect, maybe I should have listened to Art. Getting out then would have been way easier. Art may be absolutely right. Or he may be wrong. I don't even know. I'm just numb right now quite honestly.
I think when we come here to vent and work through our pain, each of us really wants an ear to listen and gently offer ideas, thoughts, or opinions. I'm in a very bad place right now. I'm extremely sad, depressed, hurting, and vulnerable. I have lost most of the friends I had since my divorce. I feel extremly lonely and isolated. What I really need is a friend or friends who will listen. Offering opinions or advice is fine too. But when you feel you're in the doghouse with someone if you don't heed what they tell you to do is not good. It's not what I need. I didn't want to read anymore yesterday, as I had read enough. My heart hurts. I am in pain, physically and emotionally. I don't know how to get up in the morning and get through my day. Talk about paralysis? I'm completely paralyzed now. My back is wracked with pain and I have an enormous sense of sadness, anger, and rage. You bet I do.
Like I said, I think Art means well. It's just not what I need right now.
Thanks for listening. More to come I'm sure.
Laura |
| art |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 11:30:29
Thanks ACL...Sheesh...
That said, Laura is no doubt mad at me. We go back a long way and for a while were good friends...I was there for her through her long and painful and ultimately very courageous break-up with her incredibly narcissistic jerk of a husband. As time went by, she repeatedly would get involved with the very same type, or quite similar types anyway...She's ask my opinion, and I'd give it, knowing in advance that she'd probably resent it...I simply made the decision that I would always tell the truth as I saw it...
I think Laura respects me, and at the same time resents me at times..But I do believe that she believes I've her best interest at heart..Which I do.
There's also this: if you post about life situations in an open forum you run the risk of getting an opinion or two, If you think it's somehow a good thing for someone to be dating an abusive control freak MIchelle, then step right up and say so..
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| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 09:43:59
michelle, much uncalled for in my opinion. This discussion was considerate and civil all around. I think Laura was just done venting for a while. FWIW I think she's right that she needs time to process, since she clearly will be looking at some major life changes soon.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| michelle |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 09:20:14
 Art - thanks for running Laura away. It was good for her to vent and I don't believe she was asking you to be her counselor  |
| art |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 08:30:36
quote:
Originally posted by Laura
A friend of mine who is wise beyond her years told me the other day "Nobody can determine if you should be with Steve or not be with Steve because nobody understands how you feel or what you have except you. Only YOU can make that deterimation." I am in full agreement. While others can offer their advice, it is solely upto me to decide how to handle this. And I will do just that, based on my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions on the matter. I DO believe Steve to be quite narcissistic, controlling, and manipulative. I DO believe that it may be in my best interest to cut him loose for good. I will do this on my own terms. But again, I say thank you to EVERYONE here at this forum for their input.
Going to stop posting now for awhile as I'm under some pressure here with a lot of things and probably just need some quiet meditation time to figure out my life.
Best of luck Laura...You deserve all the happiness in the world |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 08:18:19
A friend of mine who is wise beyond her years told me the other day "Nobody can determine if you should be with Steve or not be with Steve because nobody understands how you feel or what you have except you. Only YOU can make that deterimation." I am in full agreement. While others can offer their advice, it is solely upto me to decide how to handle this. And I will do just that, based on my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions on the matter. I DO believe Steve to be quite narcissistic, controlling, and manipulative. I DO believe that it may be in my best interest to cut him loose for good. I will do this on my own terms. But again, I say thank you to EVERYONE here at this forum for their input.
Going to stop posting now for awhile as I'm under some pressure here with a lot of things and probably just need some quiet meditation time to figure out my life.
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| art |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 05:51:58
quote:
Originally posted by Laura
Funny you should say that, about being grossed out. I too get grossed out by certain body types. I keep picturing some 500 pound, hairy guy and it turns my stomach to think I'd have to massage him. I'm supposed to make a decision by tomorrow, and I'm nowhere near making that decision. I just am not sure what I want and I am the only one who can figure it out.
As far as Steve, yes Art you did tell me your opinion on the matter a year ago. But that's how it works in the world. We all have to experience things for ourselves. No one else is in the relationship. We are. I am in this relationship and have been in it and you can stand on the outside and say what you feel but I have to figure that all out on my own. Even now, with everyone telling me to "cut him loose" it's still difficult and there's a part of me who still wants to be with him. Obviously, we haven't spoken in a couple days. I have no intention of calling or making any move towards talking. I'm just numb now to all of it. I'm working on me and figuring out what I have to do. A couple of people have told me "You can do better." That's all well and fine, but I have to figure that out for me on my own. That's how it works, unfortunately.
Anyway, thanks for your input.
It's not easy to sit here and type words you're absolutely certain are not going to be well received. I like to be liked. I'm as sensitive as the next guy. But for all that, I'll always tell you the truth, or at least the truth as I see it. Otherwise it's hard to see the point. I didn't bring up our earlier conversations about Steve to rub it in, or tell you "I told you so" but because it felt to me like the elephant in our conversational living room...JUst as I counseled against getting involved with him, I counsel breaking it off....and not only if he doesn't call..
The past is prologue. Learn from it and find a new, improved life, or don't learn and continue to live the same painful life forever. Every time you enter into a relationship with a selfish, narcissistic jerk, you're making a deal with the devil in just the way a junkie or alcoholic makes a deal every time he uses despite knowing better...It feels good in the short term, but the payoff is pain and suffering that only gets worse as the years go by..
Time and youth are a kind of currency. Spend them wisely.
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| Laura |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 00:36:32
Funny you should say that, about being grossed out. I too get grossed out by certain body types. I keep picturing some 500 pound, hairy guy and it turns my stomach to think I'd have to massage him. I'm supposed to make a decision by tomorrow, and I'm nowhere near making that decision. I just am not sure what I want and I am the only one who can figure it out.
As far as Steve, yes Art you did tell me your opinion on the matter a year ago. But that's how it works in the world. We all have to experience things for ourselves. No one else is in the relationship. We are. I am in this relationship and have been in it and you can stand on the outside and say what you feel but I have to figure that all out on my own. Even now, with everyone telling me to "cut him loose" it's still difficult and there's a part of me who still wants to be with him. Obviously, we haven't spoken in a couple days. I have no intention of calling or making any move towards talking. I'm just numb now to all of it. I'm working on me and figuring out what I have to do. A couple of people have told me "You can do better." That's all well and fine, but I have to figure that out for me on my own. That's how it works, unfortunately.
Anyway, thanks for your input. |
| art |
Posted - 09/05/2007 : 19:16:31
quote:
called my good friend on the way home (I have one or two left, and this one always tells me like it is and I love it).
I've always tried to tell you like it is as well, even when I was certain you weren't going to like it, including a discussion of this fellow back in the beginning...You did indeed get quite angry with me...
The pattern is....a tumultuous relationship with a narcissistic jerk (including your ex-husband), an ongoing series of decisions to break things off, each break-up followed by much sadness and ambivalence and eventually reconciliation...YOur comment about thinking the phone's going to ring and it's all going to be proven a bad dream seems pretty clear in its implications..Ultimately you manage to break away and I give you all the credit in the world for that...BUt how much easier to not got sucked in in the first place...
As to massage school, I know where ACL is coming from, but for what its' worth, I disagree...anything worthwhile involves expense, inconvenience, and pain...The real question is, is is better to go through that sooner or later...Just suppose you'd gone through massage school a year ago...Wouldn't it be nice to be in that position today? Unless there's good reason to think you're going to be in a much better place 6 months from now, why put it off?
One obvious caveat re massage...My advice is based on it being something for you....My experience with good massage therapists is that they really love their work...I for one would make a terrible massage therapist...For one thing, I'm judgemental about people's bodies and am easily grossed out...Sounds terrible and superficial and all that, but it's the truth...
But I think that's something you can tell about yourself without having to think about it for a long time...
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| Laura |
Posted - 09/05/2007 : 18:57:10
You are probably right. I keep thinking the phone is going to ring and we're going to talk and this has been one huge bad dream. But I don't think it is. Steve has thrown me in front of bus one too many times. My girlfriend says that if he truly professes to love me he wouldn't treat me the way he does.
As far as the massage school, I'm totally at a loss for what to do. This pressure is a little much. I don't honestly think I can make a fair decision yet but I'm almost forced to do so. I was at the mall just now and there were these guys with their massage chairs set up working on people. I let this guy work on me and it hurt so freaking bad I almost cried out in pain. I thought "Wow, people like this can make it. Even I would know if someone said their back was in spasm not to apply too much pressure." This guy was way too rough with me.
So, off I go now to try and work out on the treadmill, pain and all. I'm going to go slow, and not overdo it.
One day at a time. I will just have to take all of this one day at a time. I just don't know about any of it right now.
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