| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| mala |
Posted - 07/28/2007 : 18:58:43
I haven't posted in a while but did so quite frequently a couple of years ago when I had a bad back. I was able to banish the back pain and when it tried to sneak back in, I was able to snuff it out quite quickly. In short I got my life back and I have been doing things I once couldn't imagine doing.
A couple of months back I started doing sun salutations (up to 60 in one go) After a while my left hip started to hurt especially during the forward bend part so I stopped and the pain became less. Then I would find that whenever I went for long walks my left hip wpould start to throb. I'd continue anyway. About a month ago the balls of my left foot started hurting bad and also the area near my big toe where I have a bunion.
Now I have quite bad pain in my left hip which burns and throbs around the back and side and I can't bend on that side. The muscle pain is even beginning to affect other parts of the body on that side.
I know that it is tms trying to lodge itself in another area but I can't seem to deal with it the same way I can with my back and the familiar fear and depression is returning.
I am getting the same sick feeling in my stomach that I used to get with my back and although I also think I know the emotional cause behind it but I am not able to get rid of the pain.
I would sure appreciate some reinforcement and any words of wisdom. the anxiety that I feel is worse than the pain itself.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| h2oskier25 |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 20:53:24
Hi Mala,
I'm glad I got a laugh.
We usually don't dignify Shawn's weird responses like that one with an answer. It only encourages him. He gets really preachy and weird sometimes, and I really don't understand that side of him. Sometimes he comes on with great links and insights, but usually, it's these preachy directives and silly quizlike questions.
ndb, I am actually not cynical about families. I drew close to the parents of my friends and husband, so as to learn positive tendencies from them. I have a couple "foster" Mom's and Dad's that I love dearly, and get love and support from.
Bottom line, anyone who thinks humor or exercise is bad, is missing the point of living.
Beth |
| ndb |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 19:02:48
quote:
Originally posted by mala
...I don't think there is any harm in using humour as a form of expression. The problem is only when you use it as a means of coping without really tackling the underlying issues.
Yes, this is what I meant. I don't think there is harm in humor either.
ndb |
| mala |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 18:28:15
Beth you so crack me up.
Your remark about outbraging each other is absolutely on the button. My sister who went to India with my mom in december was saying she couldn't stop boasting about me and my husband to anyone who would listen. The sad thing is that she is doing this for self glorification and because it makes her feel superior, not for the right reasons.
Ndb, as for yr remark about masking hurt with humour, finding the humour in life's challenges is what helps us to get through the day, reminds us of life's absurdities, and provides relief from the stress and strain of daily life. After you have ranted and raved and journalled and cried and acknowledged what is going on, I don't think there is any harm in using humour as a form of expression. The problem is only when you use it as a means of coping without really tackling the underlying issues.
The larkin poem IMO uses humour and irony very effectively to get to the heart of the matter.
Shawnsmith, I thought about what you said very carefully and I honestly don't think that my reason for excersing was to keep the pain at bay. I have always loved doing yoga and one day I read on a yoga website that people wre doing 108 sunsalutations to raise money. 108 is a mystical number in Hinduism and so i thought I would slowly work my way up to 108. But it is a very gd point that you raised and it has made me more aware of what I think when I am doing exercise.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 17:57:10
ndb, my therapist sometimes catches me doing this, and tries to gently remind me that something very sad happened.
But on the other hand, I think a sense of humor is sometimes necessary so we don't get too down. Tough thing to balance.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| ndb |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 15:10:05
Beth, Mala,
Take a look at armchairlinguist's post in this thread and the link therein:
http://tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3719&whichpage=4
I thought it was interesting what the author (and others) have said about masking our hurt because of our parents' behavior with humor. That's kind of what struck me when I read you guys' last 2 posts. The poem is very true though. That's how I feel about the endless cycle of misery. But I think we should take steps away from feeling this way. Its a very unhappy way to feel about life. We've lost innocence and though i think deep inside we regret that, we cover it up with cynicism.
ndb |
| h2oskier25 |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 14:58:41
Mala,
What a great idea, introducing our two mothers. Can you see each one shooting down the other in order to try to keep each other from being in the lime light.
"You're a handsome woman, for an Indian."
"Oh, thank you. Is it weird seeing the world from a Four Foot ten inch frame?"
Actually, they would probably try to out brag each other about how wonderful their daughters were. Ironic, since we'd never hear any of the compliments.
Beth |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 08:04:47
I will take a stab and say that you unconsciously believed that the continuation of intense physical exercise will keep your pain banished. Thus you fell back into the mental trap that your pain in due to a physical problem. You must honestly ask yourself whay you were doing those exercises in the first place. Was it for overall fitness, or was it to keep the pain banished? Only you can answer that question.
*******
Sarno-ize it!
Read chapter 4 of Dr. Sarno's "The Divided Mind." It's all you need to know in order to recover. |
| mala |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 05:18:07
Oh Beth , I think your mom and my mom should get together some time. They'll have lots to talk about. I just love this poem by Philip Larkin which just about sums it up for me. I suspect that you'll enjoy it too. The title says it all
This Be The Verse
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
--Philip Larkin
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| h2oskier25 |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 19:55:00
OK OK, I got one for you Mala.
My sister has refused ALL contact with my mother for 15 years. My mother has never even met her grandchildren. My sister (Pam) sends her vicious letters all the time but mostly punishes her with cold distance.
A few years ago, I was back in Denver snow skiing, and teaching my husband to ski. Then we went to see a lot of my relative, including my mother and some aunts, etc.
My husband says "Beth is teaching me to ski. She is a really good skier." No sooner do I start to beam, and don't even get a chance to thank him, when Mom pipes up "Yeah, but Pam's a good skier, too, right?" Now why would she be so anxious to compliment the daughter that has so wronged her. She can't stand for me to be in the light, just as your mother did about the property negotiation.
Another one, when Pam turned against me, a friend said to me that it sounded like Pam might be jealous. When I told Mom, she said "What would Pam have to be jealous of?"
I guess you know who the "perfect" daughter is, and which daughter was an "accident" (Mom even TOLD me I was an accident).
What is it about our mothers that they can't stand to see us complimented.
Beth |
| mala |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 17:47:29
Altherunner, that acronym is just so spot on.
Miehnesor and Beth , you are so right about my mother being disconnected from her own feelings and to keep away from her. Her biggest joy in life has been to put people down which I guess in her warped little world gives her a feeling of power and control, something she didn't have when my dad was around.
Let me tell you what happened yesterday. As I mentioned earlier, I have been staying away from my mother for the last year and a half. She has a full time helper at home and my sister checks in on her regularly so I don't feel guilty about her being on her own. Recently she got news that the building she lives in is going to be redeveloped. She's getting excellent compensation for it so she's happy but of course she needs to find another place to live. Before she agrees to sell the flat she tells my sister that she wants me to have a look at the contracts etc because I have some experience in the HK property market. So I agreed (stupid me, setting myself up especially when she didn't ask me herself).
I looked at all the paperwork and arranged a meeting with the agent at my mom's place . My sister was there too. In about half an hour, I was able to negotiate a deal which gave my mother $18,000 more by asking them to reduce their commission and compensate her for a couple of other things. The deal is finalised and my sister turns to me in Hindi and says 'well done'. The agent says to my mom 'what a clever daughter you have' to which she says 'well I would expect her to be smart, do you know how much it cost to educate her?'
Doesn't that say it all about mommy dearest.
Thank you all for your help and input. I'm slightly better but the pain is still there especially when I walk.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| h2oskier25 |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 12:49:17
mala,
I relate so much to what you are saying, as I have a mother that makes me feel bad at every single turn, and the only cure I have found is distance. I find that writing works for us, because she has to think about what she says, and can't blurt out the tactless stuff that's hurtful all of the time when it's on paper.
If I had to be around her, I would hang myself sure and shooting, and I don't mind admitting that. There is no way I could or would ever put up with her.
It helps me to realize that she harbors a lot of anger and jealousy towards me, and so she is always trying to bring me down, and make me feel bad about myself. I am about your age, and my mother is 77, so the age thing is similar. I am not Indian, and am sure your mother has a lot more ammo with that, but still, I wanted you to know that I totally support you staying as far from her as possible.
Don't forget to see that she is very jealous of you. You are young, and have a great husband. Let that help you mend the scars from the cr@p she's hurled at you.
Regard,
Beth |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 07/31/2007 : 10:30:35
Mala- It sounds like your mom has a lot of unresolved issues of her own and is disconnected from her feelings big time. I'm not surprised that you have decided to just avoid contact. It's probably the best approach from what you have shared.
I agree with NBD about venting your anger. Getting your body into it can be a great help.
How are your symptoms now? Any relief? |
| altherunner |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 06:08:06
Dr. David Richo defines Face ( as in "saving" face, etc.) as:
Fear, Atachment, Control, Entitlement F.A.C.E. - all different faces of the dysfunctional ego at work. |
| mala |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 05:20:16
Ndb,
In some ways you might be right about my mom taking her anger out on us but I'm not sure. She had a pretty miserable life but she could have gotten out of it not only for her own sake but for the sake of her kids. My grandfather actually said that he would totally understand if she did, But she chose not too. After my father died she raised us single handedly.
She is always worried about what other people will think. Other people meaning her friends in HK and her family back in India. Face is very important to her and I think she feels let down by us. Thing is that our relatives in india don't give a monkeys about all that. They are much more broadminded and grown up about things and absolutely adore our husbands to bits.
She has issues which she will never address and at 75, its far too late. She has a lot of anger and resentment and false pride and she always thinks she is right. There is really no reasoning with someone like that. God knows, i spent most of my life trying.
Thanks for yr input. It is helping a lot.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| mala |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 05:13:14
Ndb,
In some ways you might be right about my mom taking her anger out on us but I'm not sure. She had a pretty miserable life but she could have gotten out of it not only for her own sake but for the sake of her kids. My grandfather actually said that he would totally understand if she did, But she chose not too. After my father died she raised us single handedly.
She is always worried about what other people will think. Other people meaning her friends in HK and her family back in India. Face is very important to her and I think she feels let down by us. Thing is that our relatives in india don't give a monkeys about all that. They are much more broadminded and grown up about things and absolutely adore our husbands to bits.
She has issues which she will never address and at 75, its far too late. She has a lot of anger and resentment and false pride and she always thinks she is right. There is really no reasoning with someone like that. God knows, i spent most of my life trying.
Thanks for yr input. It is helping a lot.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| ndb |
Posted - 07/29/2007 : 22:41:43
Hi Mala,
I liked the tone of your last reply. You sounded ANGRY as you well should.
Yes, I'm Indian. I haven't been through anything as disturbing as you did, but my relationship with my father is extremely strained because he is so manipulative. Never tiring of saying that he has everyones best interests at heart, every word he speaks is twisted to make people do what he wants them to.
What if your mother is taking out her anger due to her bad marriage on you and your sister. I am totally speculating, so I apologize for anything distasteful I say that may be off the mark. I imagine that if I had to experience what she did, I would want revenge on somebody. It may not even be that she knows this -- she may think she's just being traditional. Who knows. I think its helpful for overcoming TMS symptoms to think of all these possibilities. It also draws out your own anger.
Reading Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child (though its in a more western context) was very good for me in understanding my anger towards my parents and why they behave as they do. I think what she says about parents taking out *their* repressed rage on children in ways that they do not know are hurtful especially applies to Indian parents who themselves grew up in such a constrained society, often not even having the option of working at the job they wanted to etc.
I think you have been VERY brave in being true to yourself in making choices about where to stay, and your marriage (that is a sign of honesty with your self, I think its sometimes when we are dishonest with ourselves that TMS manifests). My boyfriend is Indian, I met him while in grad school in the US. Though he is good in every way (very unlike typical Indian males, or he wouldn't have lasted long), I sometimes wonder whether it was out of the distaste of confronting my parents that I subconsciously tended to get together with someone Indian. I hate that feeling of doubt!
Anyway, keep giving vent to your frustration and anger, its good in the long run, and I am sure will help with the hip pain. Also remember that fear and depression themselves can be distractions from the real issue.
Best,
ndb
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| mala |
Posted - 07/29/2007 : 20:19:55
Hey ndb, are you Indian coz you have hit the nail right on the head with yr insight on Indian parents. I know that many parents use the emotional blackmail tactic with their kids but Indian parents are the worst by far i think.
I was a good kid considering all the crap that was happening at home. I got good grades at school, could speak 3 languages fluently at 12, didn't do drugs, booze or anything. My sis too is a good person. but still that wasn't enough.
I admit that my mom had to face a lot of crap from my father who died basically coz he drank tooo much but you would think that having been thru such a crap marriage herself to someone she hardly knew would have made her think twice and be more reluctant about wanting the same for her own kids. Boy was she mad when my sis got married and didn't tell her. Also she kept comparing me to her sisters' kids in India who had all complied by having had arranged marriages by the time they were 25.
I was the kid who made a decision to stay away from her parents when she was 11 so that she wouldn't have to put up with what was happening at home who didn't want to get married too soon, didn't want to marry an Indian bloke and finally did get married to a fantastic man of a different colour and reigion. I wouldn't change a thing and that is what bugs her. To see that I did OK despite making my own decisions.
So staying away from her is the best thing for me and it works.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| ndb |
Posted - 07/29/2007 : 19:53:00
Hi Mala,
Don't let the family issues cause you physical pain. You have a right to be free of pain. Speaking from experience, Indian parents can be bloodsuckers. They employ passive aggressive tactics to make you feel guilty if you don't maintain contact with them. And they want to control every aspect of your life if you are in contact with them. They whine and complain (again passive aggressively) if you don't give in to their demands. I guess I have a lot of rage against my parents.
Don't let this crap get you down. Express your anger of the situation and be aware of it. Be well!
ndb |
| mala |
Posted - 07/29/2007 : 19:25:34
I know skizzik and I have been trying to deal with it all my life. Honestly the best was when I stopped seeing my mother.
I was born in HK. My grandparents (dad's side) left India and settled in HK shortly after they got married and had a business here for many years. My dad was born in Hk, My mom and dad had an arranged marriage and she came to Hk as soon as they got married. I lived with them till I was 11 and then went on a holiday to see my maternal grandfather in India. He was a great man and at 11 I wrote back to my parents and told them I wated to continue my studies in India so i spent the next 12 yrs in india and only came back to Hk when my grandfather died.
Met my husband here who was in the British Army while I was working in the army high school.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| skizzik |
Posted - 07/29/2007 : 18:59:19
thats a loaded family situation you got there Mala. How'd you end up in Hong Kong? |
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