| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 08:21:41
Shame is a fear-based internal state accompanied by feelings of being unworthy and unlovable.
Shame conjures up brief, intense painful feelings of mortification due to being seen as inadequate. Shame feelings are a threat to the integrity of the self. It keeps us caught in fear of being found out by others. The perceived deficit is so humiliating that the person goes to great lengths to hide the flawed self.
Induced causes of shame by others include a betrayal by them in some way. Trust in often broken through parental disapproval and judgment. Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone, perfectionistic children who then pass the family bad habit down to their children. The energy of shame of others is contagious and can be passed from one individual to another. In this manner, family dysfunction is handed down from one generation to the other.
Parental withdrawal, rejection or favoritism of a sibling cause deep fears of abandonment and shame. The child feels that he must be really bad or his parents do not love him. Parents who have too high expectations of behavior, criticism and disapproval for failure create shame as the child cannot realistically live up to the high expectations. Parental humiliation and punishment for distress, crying or making a mistake creates the need in the child to try to hide his vulnerability. He worries incessantly about what others think, fears public failure and stops taking risks due to fear of social disapproval. He is becomes afraid of rejection and abandonment.
When parents point the "bony finger of blame" at a child and say "Shame on you. Shame. Shame. You are a __________. " the child learns to believe that he is unworthy. He may then act out inappropriately and become what the parent has labeled him. Doing what the parent has accused him up is the self-fulfilling prophesy.
The trauma of being bullied or physical and sexual abuse imprints major feelings of being devalued and unworthy in the victim. Shame can pass from the perpetrator to the victim. People who live in abusive relationships where they feel helpless learn the shame-rage cycle. Shame and rage are passed from one person to another through learning to act like the aggressor.
Some churches use shame to control their members by preaching rigid rules which are inconsistent with human nature. The more that "hell and damnation" are emphasized, the more guilt and shame the members will have.
Guilt is a feeling that we did something wrong. Guilt is usually tied to a specific behavior. Guilt says, "I did something bad. I must pay." Common causes of guilt are violation of society's' values around sexual and aggressive behavior, issues around bathroom functions care and being different and being looked down upon by others. We create guilt and shame in ourselves when we engage in morally-inappropriate behavior and get caught and there is public humiliation.
Guilt is about actions, shame is about the self. Shame says "I am bad. I am different." The shame core can build up after engaging in behaviors you know are wrong. Accumulated guilt by continuing to act in ways that you know are wrong can turn into shame.
Guilt and shame can build up with repeated incidents of humiliation and lead to internal global beliefs of "I am unworthy. I don't deserve good things. I am unlovable. " The feelings around these deep core beliefs are so bad that they must be avoided at all costs. Other more acceptable feelings such as sadness, anger or rage get substituted instead.
Shame is the shaper of symptoms. It creates a false self where you cannot be real. It can create nasty behaviors that you regret later. Repressed shame leads to substituting more acceptable emotions (to you) such as anger, rage, depression and anxiety to reduce the internal tension that is so hard to bear. Other defenses of shame include macho behavior, intellectualization and shutting down feelings. Controlling, blaming, criticizing or feeling superior to others are other common defenses to avoid feelings of shame. Engaging in excessive use of alcohol, substances and addictive behavior may be an indicator of shame. Drunken behavior may then cause more shame. Engaging in behaviors that society frowns upon creates more guilt and shame.
In the shame/rage cycle, there is an instant flooding of adrenalin and cortisol to prepare the person to fight back. You come under the control of fight or flight hormones and attack the other person going for their jugular vein. Your common sense goes out the window as you lose your personal sense of responsibility and then lose control.
Patterns of dysfunctional behavior in a person's life usually indicate a strong internal shame core. Lack of intimacy and connection to others indicates a lack of trust which was brought about by early feelings of helplessness and humiliation. Repressed shame and guilt cause a lack of trust of others and a deep breach or separation from others and the real self.
Rage is always about entitlement and feeling insecure inside. The person believes he has the right to vent and yell to get the other person to back off. He uses anger to intimidate others to get them to leave you alone. Bad behavior works to reduce the threat, but it damages relationships.
At some point in your, the old defenses of anger, rage and running away from pain no longer work. Shame comes up big time. Your life crashes and you hit an emotional bottom. An important relationship is threatened or ends which may prompt you to seek psychological help.
Shame is the Shaper of Symptoms but It is Also the Way Home
One purpose of the negative emotion is to help us look at those aspects of ourself that is not congruent with our deepest values and understanding of what it means to be human from a soul level. You can use your shameful feelings as a signal that something needs examining. The anxiety around the painful past must be entered into and moved through.
Understanding how shame works helps release it. Shame can be released through owning it, talking about it and processing the original painful experiences. Uncomfortable feeling can be accessed and worked through with the help of a skillful therapist. The shame reduction work must be experiential; it usually cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's predicament sometimes helps shift shame energies.
You can learn to become a detective on your own emotions and behavior so you can break into the hormonal hijackings that spiral you into bad behavior. You can learn to detach and become an observer of your own internal state of shame choosing not to shut down the painful feelings but to stay present and learn from them. When you get upset, step back and watch how the ugly adrenalin-driven behavior takes away from being the person you really want to be. The shame-rage link was learned. The association between hormones and bad behavior can be unlearned.
You can learn to break into beliefs of being entitled to scream and yell to shut the others down. You can break the belief of "I get to hurt others by my ugly words because I feel an uncomfortable feeling." You can stop the attitude of "I earn the money here so I get to do what I want and violence is justified. You can learn better communication skills. You can stop focusing on blaming your partner and take responsibility for your part of the problem. You can try to see the issue through your partner's eyes. This is about finally becoming a grown up!
The cleaning out of the global beliefs of "I am bad. I am a bad person. I am not safe. I will be rejected because I am unworthy. I will be abandoned." takes time and exploration but it can be done with a therapist who understands the process of shame release and can stay present with unconditional love. The other side of shame is "I am worthy even though I make mistakes. I am a good person even if I get angry. I am lovable." The truth is that you are a beautiful person who was shamed as a child and you now need to claim yourself as being worthy of being loved.
Bring the integrity of who you are forward and work your early painful issues through to create a different understanding of the early painful experiences that caused shame. Turning the shame over to something greater than oneself can negate those global beliefs of unworthiness.
Feelings of guilt and shame can be worked out with a competent, compassionate therapist. When shame release work is combined in therapy with assertiveness training and learning to speak up and say no, to state boundaries and to share feelings, self esteem zooms upward.
No easy task, but there it is. By careful monitoring and studying your shame and rage and breaking into them you can become the master of your feelings. If this is the work that you came to do, then the higher part of who you are says, "Let's be about the work!"
For further information about shame, read The Drama Triangle, Scapegoating and all the articles on family violence and narcissism on the Angries Out web site at www.AngriesOut.com.
http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/family6.htm |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| art |
Posted - 03/22/2007 : 18:23:57
quote:
We are absolutely the most essential participants in our emotional journeys and we can go (and I have gone) a long way on our own, in understanding ourselves and working with all parts of ourselves. But we are NOT therapists to ourselves. It is a relationship that you can only have with a person who is not yourself.
You can certainly make this argument if you want to, though as I said it strikes me as surprisingly concrete...You've construed the term "therapist" as narrowly as you possibly could...I wonder why.
Even at that, I couldn't disagree more. I've moved beyond an emotionally impoverished, critical upbringing essentially by learning to love and accept myself...I've seen a professional therapist or two along the way, and very rarely got any substantive help...Say what you will, I have in a very real sense been my own therapist for most of my adult life..Given where I started from, I don't mind telling you I think I've done a pretty good job...
|
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 03/22/2007 : 14:25:13
quote:
Certainly we are our own therapists in the long run...You might see a professional of some sort an hour or two a week, and even then it is up to us how we interpret/internalize/accept/reject anything that professional might tlel us...A professional cannot forgive us in any ultimate sense, or even love us....It's not his/her job. That's up to us.
Which is exactly why we aren't our own therapists. It is OUR role not a therapist's role to forgive ourselves and love ourselves. As you say, they are facilitators, they tell us things that they believe will be helpful to US in our journeys.
We are absolutely the most essential participants in our emotional journeys and we can go (and I have gone) a long way on our own, in understanding ourselves and working with all parts of ourselves. But we are NOT therapists to ourselves. It is a relationship that you can only have with a person who is not yourself.
miehsnor, thanks. I don't know if there are many therapists around here who know Bradshaw in particular. I did talk to the one I was referred to yesterday, but she's quite busy right now and couldn't start right away. I might wait to start up with her, or I might ask if she knows anyone else who works in compatible ways, even if not from the specific material. I am kind of limited for where the person can be located due to my transportation situation, so I'm hoping I'm able to find a good person for me without needing to do a lot of travel. She seemed nice on the phone, anyhow. I appreciate your support.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 03/22/2007 : 13:16:18
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
Today I contacted the Creative Growth Center, which is a center around here based on Bradshaw's methods, and asked them for a therapist suggestion nearer where I live. They responded this evening, so now I have someone to call.
I realized that I am quite afraid of starting up with a therapist. I'm afraid that he/she will not like or understand me. I think it's related to what Bradshaw calls the rupture of the primary relationships -- basically, when parental acceptance of you fails.
--
Wherever you go, there you are.
ACL- I encourage you to take this step as I think that you should listen to that inner child and give her more support in dealing with difficult feelings. Also seems to me that finding a therapist who aligns with the Bradshaw approach is the way to go. You've read all the books and know what to look for in a therapist. Find someone who you feel safe with and trust your gut. You may want to interview several therapists and pick the one you feel the most comfortable with.
|
| art |
Posted - 03/21/2007 : 22:04:43
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
Shawn, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't have physical pain anymore, haven't for almost a year.
Also, we are not our own therapists, we are ourselves. A therapist is an outside party aiding us in working with our perceptions.
--
Wherever you go, there you are.
This seems a surprisingly concrete response...Certainly we are our own therapists in the long run...You might see a professional of some sort an hour or two a week, and even then it is up to us how we interpret/internalize/accept/reject anything that professional might tlel us...A professional cannot forgive us in any ultimate sense, or even love us....It's not his/her job. That's up to us.
As to pain, who among us feels no pain? Emotional pain is no less real, no less intense than the physical variety. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 03/21/2007 : 16:32:05
Shawn, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't have physical pain anymore, haven't for almost a year.
Also, we are not our own therapists, we are ourselves. A therapist is an outside party aiding us in working with our perceptions.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 03/21/2007 : 09:14:08
The best therapist is yourself.
The worst therapist is yourself.
Just be aware that you lie to yourself.
That all your thoughts are lies.
Challenge them....detach yourself from them as they are all 100% bull-s--t.
I am this, I am that. Lies, blah blah blah.....damned lies!!!!!
When you do this you will see just what kind of con-job you brain has been playing on you with this pain.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 03/20/2007 : 23:17:54
ACL,
You have helped me so much here with your kind heart and wisdom..I don't think a therapist you see will have any trouble understanding you..You are a very special soul!
God bless and hugs,
Karen |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 03/20/2007 : 22:06:36
Today I contacted the Creative Growth Center, which is a center around here based on Bradshaw's methods, and asked them for a therapist suggestion nearer where I live. They responded this evening, so now I have someone to call.
I realized that I am quite afraid of starting up with a therapist. I'm afraid that he/she will not like or understand me. I think it's related to what Bradshaw calls the rupture of the primary relationships -- basically, when parental acceptance of you fails.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| carbar |
Posted - 03/20/2007 : 22:00:02
Thanks 2scoops for the post and thanks ACL for the feedback on Bradshaw.
quote:
Repressed shame leads to substituting more acceptable emotions (to you) such as anger, rage, depression and anxiety to reduce the internal tension that is so hard to bear. Other defenses of shame include macho behavior, intellectualization and shutting down feelings. Controlling, blaming, criticizing or feeling superior to others are other common defenses to avoid feelings of shame. Engaging in excessive use of alcohol, substances and addictive behavior may be an indicator of shame.
Hmmm, this is like peeling back the onion skin of the anger and sadness to reveal something really foreign.
Regarding working with a therapist, I want to throw in the 2 cents I've tossed before and say, I think if you are Sarno-identified it is VERY important to have the analytical-focus therapist vs. another style where the therapist is GIVING you techniques. The analytical focus means insight is more self-guided, which I think a lot of folks on this board can allready identify with since there's a lot of independent research happening. :)
|
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 03/20/2007 : 11:29:42
I found the book at my library. I think it will be helpful. It's a very insightful account of how shame develops, and what it means. I was particularly impressed by his notion that we are only carriers of shame that doesn't belong to us, that started farther back in our families. His ideas and exercises for working with the self, dreams, etc. seem like they really hit the mark.
I am disappointed by a few things, though. First, he focuses much more on severely dysfunctional kinds of shaming abuse and classical addiction patterns than on basic emotional shaming and perfectionism, though he does give these a decent treatment. He is also (and fortunately admits to being) biased in favor of 12-step programs and God. (It is a personal bias since he is a recovering alcoholic who was helped by AA, and a former seminarian.) Though he's flexible about the notion of God, I find it annoying and distracting that he talks about it constantly and emphasizes it, since I'm not a God person and can't identify with that aspect of it.
Anyhow, very worth checking out, so thanks again for posting about this. I think the book will also push me to start working with a therapist. He really recommends working in a group or with a therapist because part of healing shame is trusting others to be there for us. This is difficult for me, so I think that beginning to work with a therapist is thus the next step.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 03/18/2007 : 10:03:37
I think shame is big for me. If you want, checkout Healing The Shame That Binds You from John Bradshaw, they should have it at any library. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 03/16/2007 : 15:28:24
quote:
Controlling, blaming, criticizing or feeling superior to others are other common defenses to avoid feelings of shame.
This part rang a big bell for me, as it's similar to a conclusion that I've come to about my own behavior, which is that I criticize others (in my head) because I need to feel that I am somehow at least a little bit okay because I am better than they are in the respect that I criticize them in.
Not pretty but true. 
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 03/16/2007 : 12:06:02
I liked the first article, but the second article was a bit convoluted for my tastes. Please post more as you find them.
Thanks!
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 22:00:21
2scoops, thanks for posting this. Some of the stuff rang a bell with me and I'm planning to check out the source site further.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| 2scoops |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 08:31:01
http://www.hope4survivors.com/Shame.html
According to psychologist and psychoanalyst Erik Erikson (1902-1994), "a sense of shame is part of the second stage of psychosocial development. In the first stage a child needs to establish a sense of basic trust. This basic trust must be greater than his sense of mistrust. We can understand healthy shame best by understanding this trust stage of psychosocial development...Once basic trust has been established, the child is in a position to develop shame. The shame may be healthy or toxic." Erikson said that between the ages of 15 months and three years, "the psychosocial task for this stage of development is to strike a balance between autonomy and shame and doubt."
John Bradshaw explains at length the different processes for developing both healthy shame and toxic shame in his book. Here is a brief run down of both (please read his book for more detailed information):
Healthy Shame
Toxic Shame
- Shame as Embarrassment and Blushing
Mistakes are a part of human nature.
With blushing, we know we've made a mistake.
- Shame as Shyness
Shyness is a natural boundary that keeps us from
being harmed by a stranger.
- Shame as the Basic Need for Community
As humans, we have a basic need for community.
Our shame in this case acts as a healthy reminder
that sometimes we need help and that we have a
need to be involved in loving, caring relationships.
- Shame as the Source of Creativity and Leaning
One of the biggest road blocks to creativity is a
feeling of being right. When we think we are
absolutely right, we stop seeking further
information. Being certain stops curiosity. Curiosity
is at the heart of all learning. Our healthy shame
never allows us to think we know it all.
- Shame as the Source of Spirituality
Some would say that spirituality is our ultimate
human need. Healthy shame is essential for
grounding ourselves to this ultimate source of
reality. Healthy shame reminds us that we are
not God. It grounds us in humility.
- Neurotic Syndromes of Shame
Toxic shame is an all pervasive sense that I am flawed. It is a belief
that we are worthless and defective as a human being. It is more than
just a fleeting feeling of unworthiness, it is an internal sense of falling
short. If we experience toxic shame, it is difficult to recognize. As
Bradshaw says, "A shame based person will guard against exposing
his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against
exposing himself to himself."
- Internalization of Shame
Internalization of shame involves at least 3 processes:
1) Identification with Shame-Based Models
The need to identify with someone, to belong is one of our most
basic human needs. Second only to self-preservation. This begins
with our primary caregivers and significant others. When children
have shame-based caregivers and significant others, they identify
with them. This is the first step in internalizing shame.
2) Abandonment: The Legacy of Broken Mutuality
Children find love, acceptance and identity in the mirroring eyes of
their parents or primary caregivers. Abandonment can include this
lack or loss of positive mirroring, not just physical abandonment.
Besides physical desertion and lack of mirroring, abandonment
includes any of the following:
- Neglect
- Abuse of any kind
- Enmeshment into the needs of the parents
3) Interconnection of Memory Imprints
Shaming experiences are recorded in a child's memory banks. As
Bradshaw explains, "Because the victim has no time or support to
grieve the pain of the broken mutuality, his emotions are
repressed and the grief is unresolved." Any future experience which
even vaguely resembles the original shame-based trauma can easily
TRIGGER the words, sights, sounds, smells or other
senses involved in the original trauma.
- Self-Alienation and Isolation
Alienation means that you experience parts of yourself that are alien
to you. For example, I was shamed for crying during my childhood
abuse. Therefore, feeling grief and crying became an alienated part
of myself. When ever I feel grief now, I often experience toxic shame.
This is why it is so important to lean how to heal the toxic shame
that binds us to our past trauma in order to adequately process
these unresolved emotions.
- Shame as the False Self
"Because the exposure of self to self lies at the heart of neurotic
shame, escape from the self is necessary." This is accomplished by
creating a false self.
- Shame as Co-Dependency
As discussed on the Nurturing Parent page, people who are co-
dependent try to get their inner child's needs met through another
adult and/or they focus all of their nurturing abilities on other adults
(usually a significant other) who are trying to get these needs met
through others. People who are co-dependent have no inner life.
They lack the ability to get their needs met from within themselves.
Therefore, happiness and feelings of self-validation are found outside
themselves.
- Shame as Borderline Personality
Many psychiatrists today see many types of mental illness as
rooted in neurotic shame. Borderline Personality involves self-image
disturbance, difficulty identifying and expressing one's own thoughts
and difficulty with self-assertion.
- Shame as the Core and Fuel of all Addiction
Toxic shame turns a person into a "human doing" rather than a human
being. A person's self-worth is measured by what they DO on the
outside instead of what is on the inside. Addiction is a self-fulfilling
shame based behavior. One seeks mood alteration and emotion
numbing with the addictive behavior. What follows is shame over one's
behavior and the resulting consequences; i.e. hangover, infidelity, etc.
This toxic shame fuels the addiction and starts the process all over
again.
- Shame as Guilt
Healthy guilt is at the core of our conscience. It helps us determine
right from wrong. Toxic guilt carries a sense of hopelessness, since
one believes they are flawed beyond repair.
- Character Disorder Syndromes of Shame
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The narcissist is continually motivated to find perfection in everything
she does. Beneath this external facade lies an emptiness. This
emptiness is caused by internalized shame.
Paranoid Personality
Bradshaw believes that "the paranoid defense is a posture developed
to cope with excessive shame." Any wrongdoings on the part of the
paranoid person are disowned and transferred to others as kind of a
self-fulfilling prophecy of the betrayal they knew was coming.
Offender/Criminal Behavior
The criminal offender "acts out" in much the same way as he was
originally victimized. This is often referred to as the CYCLE of
abuse. Unless we find help and healing for this victimization we are
bound to carry on in the victim role, seeking out others who we
instinctively know will abuse us or we will reenact it over and over
again. Parents who physically or sexually abuse their children were
typically abused similarly when they were young.
Grandiosity/Disabled Will
Grandiosity is a disorder of the will. It can appear in one of two
extremes: in being more than human or less than human. A person
with a disabled will can believe they are the best of the best or the
worst of the worst. Bradshaw explains it this way: "As emotions
get bound by shame, their energy is frozen, which blocks the full
interaction between the mind and the will." Without the thinking
mind, the will is blind and can cause severe problems, such as
trying to control everything or willing in absolute extremes (all or
nothing).
- Toxic Shame as Spiritual Bankruptcy
Spirituality is about BEING. Spirituality makes us human. Toxic
shame is de-humanizing. Toxic shame creates a life dominated by
DOING. Since it is based on a belief that what's inside is flawed,
it looks outward for self-worth and justification.
To learn more, please click here or above on the Hiding Places of Toxic Shame.
Sources of Toxic Shame
- The Family System
Dysfunctional Families
Toxic shame is an interpersonal problem. It originates primarily in significant relationships. Our most
significant relationships are those with our original families.
Shame-Based Families and Multi-Generational Illness
Toxic shame is most often multi-generational. Family secrets can go back many generations and
can be carried forward generation after generation. Since these secrets are kept hidden, they
never get worked out.
Shame-Based Marriage and Parental Models
These dysfunctional families are created when shame-based people find and marry each other.
Most often, these shame-based couples consist of co-dependent adults looking to the other
to parent the wounded child within them.
Dysfunctional Family Rules
1. Control - Control is the major defense mechanism for shame.
2. Perfectionism - Family members live according to an external image of perfection, which is
impossible to achieve and therefore, no one ever measures up.
3. Blame - Blame is another defense cover up for shame. When control breaks down, blame
takes over. Blame can be placed on oneself or others.
4. Denial of the Five Freedoms
These five freedoms represent a basic human power:
- The Power to Perceive;
- The Power to Think and interpret;
- The Power to Feel;
- The Power to Desire; to want and choose;
- The Power to Imagine
This rule denies the true self of each family member. It demands that you not perceive,
think, feel, desire or imagine the way you truly do, but the way the dysfunctional family rules
require you to...often a perfectionist ideal.
5. The No-Talk Rule - This rule denies the expression of the true self. It prohibits the full
expression of any feeling, need or want.
6. Don't Make Mistakes Rule - Mistakes reveal our flawed human self. Ackowledging mistakes
opens the family up to scrutiny. This rule requires that you cover up your own mistakes and if
someone else makes a mistake, you are required to shame them.
7. Unreliability - "Don't trust anyone and you'll never be disappointed." Parents in the
dysfunctional family did not get their developmental needs met as children and they won't be
there for their own children's needs. The cycle of distrust is perpetuated.
- Abandonment
Physical Desertion - This is the most commonly understood meaning of the word. This can mean an
outright physical separation resulting from a decision not to be involved in your child's life, i.e. giving
a child up for adoption or letting someone else raise your child. This can also include an undesired
absense, which can occur from incarceration, illness, death or service away from home in the military.
Emotional Abandonment - Children need mirroring from their primary caretakers to develop in a
healthy way. Healthy mirroring means that someone is there for the child and reflects an accurate
image of who they really are. Shame-based parents are co-dependent adult children who are still in
search of someone who is always there for them. The objects of their narcissistic gratification will often
be their own children. In this way, the child takes care of her parent's needs instead of the parents
taking care of the child's needs.
Abandonment Through Abuse - Abuse equals abandonment because when a child is abused,
there is no one there for them. Young children, because of their natural egocentricity, take
responsibility for their abuse. It is easier for a young child to believe they are to blame for the
abuse than to blame the parent(s) whom they rely on for survival.
1. Sexual Abuse - John Bradshaw believes that sexual abuse is the most shaming of all abuse.
- Physical Sexual Abuse - Hands on touching in a sexual way.
- Overt Sexual Abuse - Voyeurism or Exhibitionism - The criteria for whether or not it
constitutes abuse is whether or not the parent (or other adult) is sexually stimulated. This
has nothing to do with the child's naturally developing curiosity and sexual thoughts. This
is when a parent or other adult uses a child for his or her own sexual stimulation.
- Covert Sexual Abuse
a) Verbal - Inappropriate sexual talk initiated by an adult.
b) Boundary Violation - This involves children witnessing their parents or other adult
caretakers involved in sexual behavior. It is the adult's responsibility to set appropriate
sexual boundaries. Parents need to close and lock bedroom doors so that children
don't accidentally walk in and children need appropriate privacy as well. If parents or
other adults do not respect a child's privacy while they are undressing or using the
bathroom, this constitutes a boundary violation.
- Emotional Sexual Abuse - When a parent or other adult relative or caretaker bonds in an
inappropriate way with a child, it can constitute emotional sexual abuse. When a parent
uses a child to meet their emotional needs, it can easily become romanticized or
sexualized. A daughter can become "Daddy's Little Princess" or a son can become
"Mommy's Little Man." Children need parental guidance. They should not be treated
as emotional equals like a spouse.
2. Physical Abuse - Bradshaw believes that physical abuse is second only to sexual abuse in the
amount and severity of toxic shame it produces. Physical violence can take many forms, such
as: physical spankings and beatings; being forced to get your own weapon of punishment
(belts, wooden spoons, hair brushes, hangers, switches, etc.); punching; slapping; pulling;
pushing; choking; kicking; pinching; biting; shaking; tickling to a torturous degree; being tied up;
scratching; attempted drowning; burning with lit cigarettes, lighters, ovens, matches, etc.; being
sat on; having things thrown at you; having liquids wiped, poured or splattered on you; being
forced to breath toxic chemicals; having things forced inside your mouth/throat, like soap,
alcohol or other toxic liquids; having things forced inside your vagina or rectum, like carrots,
candles, knives, etc.; being threatened with violence or abandonment; being threatened to be
taken away by police or "men in white coats"; witnessing violence done to a parent or sibling.
3. Emotional Abuse - John Bradshaw believes that emotional abuse is universal. He does not
believe that a single person has been spared the shame of emotional abuse.
Anger - When anger is shamed, two things happen:
1. Anger is shame bound - Every time you get angry, you feel shame.
2. When anger is shamed, it gets repressed. As anger energy is repressed,
it builds and grows unconsciously and turns into rage.
Sorrow - When sorrow and sadness are shamed, it's energy builds into inconsolable
grief and can lead to suicidal feelings and attempts. In our culture, children are
either outwardly punished for crying as in "I'll give you something to cry about!" or
verbally ridiculed or bribed to stop crying.
Fear - Often children are shamed for being afraid in the same manner as they are shamed
for feeling sad. A denied and shamed feeling of fear can split off and grow into full-
fledged terror, phobia or paranoia.
Joy - Even the positive emotion of happiness and the expression of joy can be shamed. My
mother was famous for ridiculing my sister and me when we became excited or
rambunctious. Things that brought us joy were openly ridiculed as being "silly" or
"stupid." When visiting relatives or friends, Mother was only satisfied when her children
were unseen (often being banished to another room or outside) or at least unheard. We
were often required to sit silently with our hands in our laps for hours at a time. When we
occupied our time with a quiet activity like drawing or coloring, Mother often ridiculed
our creations as being "ugly" or "hideous." I was often told that I was "too loud" and
once even overheard a teacher friend of my mother's ask if there was "something
wrong" with me because I spoke "too loud" and had a "deep voice."
- Social Shame
The School System - "The school system promotes a shame-based measure of grading people's
intelligence," says Bradshaw.
Peer Group Shaming - Peer groups can be an excrutiating source of toxic shame. Appearance is
probably the most obvious cause for toxic shaming by your peers in school. If you don't wear the
popular clothes, hairstyle, etc. you can easily become the class scapegoat. Teenagers will commonly
project their own shame onto a class "reject." "The peer group becomes like a new parent. Only this
parent is much more rigid and has several sets of eyes to look you over."
The Religious System - Many religious systems teach the concept of "original sin," in which you're
believed to be "bad" from the moment you are born.
1. God as Punitive - Shame can be intensified by the belief that God knows all of your inner
most thoughts and will punish you for your sins.
2. Denial of Secondary Causality - Some religious doctrine sees the human will as totally inept.
Without God, man is capable of nothing that has value. This goes against traditional Judeo/
Christian doctrine in which man can only accept God/Christ through faith and that his will
determines his decision to accept the gift of faith. It is a conscious decision...without will there
is no faith and without faith there is no salvation.
3. Denial of Emotions - In general, most religions don't allow much expression of emotion.
4. Perfectionism - Religion is responsible for a great deal of shaming through perfectionism.
Most religions teach a kind of moral and behavioral righteousness. These standards dictate
how to dress, talk, pray and behave in almost every situation. Deviation from these standards is
judged as sinful. This perpetuates an "appearance" of righteous living. It is more important to
act loving and righteous than to be loving and righteous. My mother was an expert at acting in
loving and righteous ways to the outside world, but behaving much differently at home.
5. Religious Addiction - Mood alteration is a component in addictive/compulsive behavior.
Religious addiction is rooted in toxic shame. It can be exhiliratingly addictive for the members
of any religious sect to be told they are "good" and that everyone who doesn't believe in the
same things are "bad" and sinful. Healthy shame says that we will inevitably make mistakes
(the Bible says "ALL have sinned"), so righteousness becomes a kind of shameless behavior.
The Cultural System
1. The Success Myth - In this belief system, money and its symbols of success are a measure of
our self-worth.
2. Rigid Sex Roles - Rigid sex roles are still alive and well in our society. If you don't believe it,
take a look at any group of children playing in a day care center. Childrens' toys are still very
sexist. Parents will shame their little boys for wanting to play with dolls.
3. Perfection Myth (The Perfect "10") - Our culture is inundated with a perfectionistic view of
physical attractiveness. While this is slowly changing, most women and girls compare
themselves to ultra thin models with enhanced bustlines and most men and boys' looks are
compared to male "sex symbols" and professional athletes. Comparing ourselves to this
mythical, perfect "10" standard is a great source of sexual shame in our society.
4. Denial of Emotions - Our society does not encourage emotional honesty. When asked, "How
are you?" Most people instinctively respond with, "I'm fine." We repond this way even when it is
the farthest thing from the truth. The sad thing is, even when we have the courage to answer
with our true feelings, it more often than not becomes obvious to us that the asking party does
not really want to hear about it!
5. "Good Ol' Boy" and "Nice Gal" Myth - This is a kind of social conformity myth. "Don't make
waves." "Take one for the team." "Don't rock the boat." These all imply that we are expected
to do things we might not want to do and keep quiet about it! This pretending and acting are
forms of lying and a form of denying our true self. We are rewarded by society for being
something other than what we are. It teaches us to hide our toxic shame.
Definitions & Sources
Hiding Places of Toxic Shame
Solutions Part 1
Please click here to learn more about ways we hide our toxic shame.
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