| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 09:24:51
I was looking over a paper I wrote for a university course I was taking last term. I was reading the prof's comments in the margins and he merely made a few very minor critical formatting comments. I could feel the anger well up within me which went will beyond the normal reaction for such a minor comment. Then it occured to me, I cannot take criticsm of even the slighest magnitude. It wounds me to the core. Strangely, I got an A on the paper and the prof praised me for the excellent work, but all I could concentrate on were those comments on the formatting.
There is some sadness and anger resident within me regarding my academic history. Years ago, after doing very well as an undergrad, I attended grad school with a view to going into academics. I burnt out really bad and also felt I got screwed over a bit. I did not complete my program and was forced to drop out. I felt like a piece of **** for a long time and in the back of my mind this bitterness lingered. I was in a state of denial of years. Also, I was surrounded by many very successful academiclly inclined people, so this contributed to my low self esteem.
But now, at 42, this all bothers me again. I feel old setting in class again with a bunch of youngsters who are young enough to be my children. Also, I feel a sense of humiliation because I should (watch that word "should" as it is a killer) be farther along than this, that I should be in the position of teaching and not taking these courses. Yet here I am, stuck taking more undergrad courses and not feeling the confidence to go higher.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Bliss |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 14:26:35
Thanks, Tom  |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 09:19:03
Hi Bliss,
Thank you so much for sharing your life and it's connections to TMS. Your post is awesome! It belongs in one of the TMS books. Maybe someone could compile a book of TMS profiles that would serve as a text in a TMS curriculum. Way back in college Psych 10.1, the personal life histories made all that arcane id, ego, super-ego gibberish tolerable.
Your family history reminded me of aspects of mine, and I'm sure most people's. My family history was that of the struggles of the immigrant being thrown into a brave new world with no connections to it. My parent's did the best they could for their family, staying together for the sake of the kids, working hard, etc. I could never blame them for any of my pain--so who does that leave to blame?
It would be nice if Hollywood would produce some programming that would relate to the human condition, where most of us spend our lives. Programming somewhere in between "Leave it to Beaver" and "Holloween 13". But I guess most entertainment is geared to distraction rather than edification and inspiration.
Bliss, you've been a positive contribution and inspiration to the board and a talented writer. Thanks.
Regards,
tt |
| Bliss |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 07:49:13
To Shawn, Carbar, TT:
Wow, everything you all wrote on this topic is firing a few epiphanies within me...
Want to write about 3 things that resonated:
A) TT: Wrote about Lack of Objectivity that we have about ourselves
B) Carbar: Questioned about inner child raging over lost time
C) Shawn: Anger with wife = a painful thought to him
Let's see....
Growing up in my home meant living with an alcoholic father (non abusive re physical/sexual/verbal). He was full of guilt for his actions / toxic shame. He lost many jobs (so money always an issue) and either had to live out of town to get work or when he was home, was absent physically alot cause drinking in the hotels...he reminds me very much of the father character played in the movie: "Angela's Ashes" - and I adored/craved him when we had him with us. He binged drank so that means he could be completely dry for a couple of months at a time. Looking back as a child, I was VERY tuned into watching for the "signs" that I knew/recognized that he needed to go back to drinking again. I missed him terribly then. Attach, detach, attach, detach - that could not have been good for me emotionally. And because he beat himself up more badly about his actions than we could ever do upon him, I never felt I could be ANGRY with him for abandoning his role - thus me. Let's shove that unsatiated rage down, shall we? Yup.
I had one sibling; a brother 5yrs older than me who was later diagnosed with schizophrenia - but of course in his teens exhibited the unusual behavior early on for which no one had answers or insight. He was abusive to my mother and myself. My father's absenteeism feuled my brother's anger and his liberal opportunity to lash out - and we were sitting ducks for his rage. Unlike me, he did not hold his in. It was terrifying....I could not even BEGIN to explain.
My Mother was the perfectionist/strict type with good intentions who did her very best to cope with all but in those times, you did not speak to others about family problems and intelligent/useful counselling options were quite minimal compared to now. I used to hurt for her and did everything in my power to be a "good" girl, not cause any trouble, get straight A's, do what I was told, be her friend - whatever it took.
Because I was "perfect" it was assumed, I suppose, that I was alright and not affected. Little attention was paid to me in terms of effort, or finding out who I was as their daughter - there simply wasn't any energy left over for me due to the constant upheaval/chaos in the home. That's no excuse, rather, it does offer an explanation. But of course, this set the stage for dire rage on my part to be shoved down - duh, no kidding ???
Today, when attention is shown to me or effort made for me, I am genuinely surprised, delighted and PROFOUNDLY touched. I sometimes just can't believe that folks have gone out of their way for me! I do deserve it, though, cause I do lots for others too.
When I consider the issue of "loss of time and inner child" I am enraged both consciously and unconsciously -I'm sure of that now. I spent alot of my childhood pleasing others and keeping the peace. The very idea of tuning into myself/my needs/who am I? etc - was foreign. When I was journaling one day I was quite pissed to figure out that here I was a kid who did not say much, was not asked much, learned to disappear, stay quiet, don't question - yet as a teen when I began to sneak around to try to have SOME semblance of freedom (my attempts were sooooo benign and tentative, trust me) that if my Mom caught me in a lie or whatever, I'd get punished big-time! Is that ass backwards or WHAT? I was only doing what I was trained to do, folks. I learned at the Master's feet.
The anger and loss is about, "Dammit, doesn't anyone HEAR me? SEE me? I was the quiet child on the outside for you all - but inside I'm ****ing SCREEEEAAMING for your attention!!!!!!"
The anger is also: I wasted so much time on you all! I did not get to know ME, to trust ME, to trust my gut about ME, - hence I have difficulty making decisions for ME - often afraid to risk and take chances cause I have not had the normal growing-up practice (thus reassurance/self confidence) to fail, to stumble, to recover, have parents support me and then easily get up with confidence and pride and try again. I irrationally spent my time jealous/angry with others who have that great education, that great career, that great house THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE BY NOW ~!!!!
Try taking the above anger and now live with a great husband, a great kid and some blessings re some friends and family. On one hand I am in angst/conflict with the anger and on the other hand I beat myself up consciously trying to shove the anger down by saying to myself, "Why don't you just be grateful for what you DO have?"
It is not that I'm ungrateful, it's that I'm obviously still hurt - Writing about it must be the first step, I think, to cleansing this wound.
Because this coping mechanism of my perfectionism continued to reign supreme in my adulthood, I spent tons of time "being into" other people's problems and often angry that they just wouldn't do what I suggested, after all, I thought I had all the answers for them (I did for my family, didn't I?)
Remember, Shawn when you suggested I look at why I felt the compelling need to be RIGHT all the time? (see: Sarno Yes/No forum topic) I'm sure it's a way to soothe myself - get people to hurry up and "FIX" themselves - so I can exhale and feel better. I need this "fix". Sometimes it has very little to do with actually helping others. I get that now. It's my childhood coping strategy rearing its ugly head. Truly helping others now, to me, means maybe listening but NOT doing the work for them. It's about the "letting" and not the "getting". I support instead of push.
Don't we often hate the things in others that we actually dislike about ourselves? If I perceive that other people keep trying to fix/control me, I am angered. I am angered because it robs me of my ability/dignity (and thus pride) to fix my bloody self or not, thank you very much 
TT wrote about our lack of objectivity in looking at ourselves. I agree fully. It ties into my narcissistic way of seeing myself - which, as described above, is sometimes limited. So if you don't have a solid sense of yourself, of course what others think of you might end up mattering (too much). One thing I love best is coming across those people who can truly laugh at their mistakes, their foibles, their embarrassments - cause it safely opens the door for me to be real with them too (and real with myself) and there is good relief around that. I get practice in taking those risks that I should have naturally mastered years ago had there been room for me to do so.
Carbar talked about the loss of time/rage:
You know, if I had to stop looking at others' accomplishments and the time I USED up in doing so, then that leaves me with no one else to dwell upon but MYSELF. Recognizing that I have not filled that void or developed my own talents is both scary and makes me sad for all the time I used up. So the cycle restarts and I get angry again. The only way, I guess, to break this cycle is to feel the fear and get going...which is get started on ME.
Whew...wrote tons again...thanks so much for letting me get it all out. I'm exhausted now - ha!
Bliss 
|
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 09:58:13
I liked some parts and other parts I didn't like. It is worth reading as it is comforting and encouraging.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| DitaH |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 09:34:22
was it good ? |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 07:48:21
I have read "Embracing Uncertainty: Achieving Peace of Mind as We Face the Unknown" by Susan Jeffers.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| DitaH |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 06:54:49
Don't be too hard on yourself Shawn. There's a great bit in the Desiderata (see http://hobbes.ncsa.uiuc.edu/desiderata.html) where it says "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself." Actually, I think theres quite a lot of the Desiderata that applies to you and me and all us TMS 'overachievers' (I've had albums and played concerts all over the world, and now I work in a great job at a world reknowned entertainment company, but am I satisfied...?)
The famous scientist and educator Buckminster Fuller (http://bfi.org/) once said "How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else." (see http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rbuckmins136968.html) - I use this idea quite a lot in my life and it seems to keep me happy (although my unconscious child still rages) The truth is we cannot know in which way life will push or pull us... We've got to go with the flow, relax a little more... How many times I've been looking for something in my house and whilst hunting found some other item of personal property which I'd misplaced. Same applies with my work!
The last thing I wanted to say was to recommend a GREAT book by Susan Jeffers - called "Feel the fear and do it anyway". She talks about saying 'yes to your universe'. If you're consciously annoyed about where your life is at then i recommend it.
All the best
Andrew
|
| tennis tom |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 22:10:07
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
That is exactly the point I was making. We cannot know, but we can speculate. Tom, go to page 157 in TDM and read the paragraph which begins "One of the greatest obstacles...." What do you make of that?
*************
Sarno-ize it!
*************
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"One of the greatest obstacles therapists face in the treatment of the psychosomatic patient is their patients' mistaken assumption that they know what the underlying problems are and what has caused thier disorder."
I've been procarastianting answering this one Shawn because naturally I want to give the perfect answer. But being lazy, I don't want to have to reread the the whole chapter to view it in it's complete context. So with the help of an apple-martini, I'll have a go at it.
I think it may refer to the lack of objectivity a patient has to see themselves as others percieve them. That their self-image is 180' askew from how others view them. That the stuff they lose sleep-over, no one else remembers by the end of the day.
Their own self-image and problems precipitaing their TMS psychosomatic symptoms are magnified way out of proportion to their outside reality. In other words, no one gives a hoot about their embarrassemets, failures, stumbles and falls that they view with such horror and gravity. If they're being discussed by others it's only because it's a slow news day.
I don't know if that remotely relates to the paragraph in question but it probably answers some question somewhere. Anyone else want to take a shot at it?
|
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/20/2007 : 14:03:51
That is exactly the point I was making. We cannot know, but we can speculate. Tom, go to page 157 in TDM and read the paragraph which begins "One of the greatest obstacles...." What do you make of that?
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 02/20/2007 : 13:57:00
"It is impossible to know what is in your unconscious (hence the name unconscious), but it is possible to contemplate what might be there. By acknowledging the presence of these unpleasant thoughts and emotions, you can thwart the brain's strategy."
Dr. Marc Sopher pages 347-348 TDM
------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope this helps (or at least fans the fire).
 |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/20/2007 : 11:34:46
ReferFire,
Well, I will have to disagree with the statement that one has control over their unconscious mind, or at least I am skeptical to say the least. That is just not possible or even provabale. But I may be wrong, so I leave myself open to the possibility. If one can demonstrate to me how they can control something they don't even know is taking place to begin with then I am all ears.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| ReferFire |
Posted - 02/20/2007 : 11:26:37
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
You did not anger me John in the least. I am just trying to convey that I have no control what takes please in my unconscious mind. This lack of control is what is frustrating.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
*************
This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. if you believe you have no control, then you in fact have no control. i absolutely have control over my unconscious mind (though of course not to the same extent as i control my conscious mind). push yourself. the fact that you're middle aged doesn't give you a reason to give up, or even feel discouraged.
I overcame TMS and, while I'm seriously smart and special, I'm not that smart & special. You too can overcome it. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 02/20/2007 : 09:02:37
Shawn, sorry I misunderstood your post. It is the word "observant" that confused me. From your description, the word I would use is something like "religiously active" or "engaged". Definitely hard to describe, but I know what you mean, I know a few people like that as well and admire them very much.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/20/2007 : 06:36:18
Hi armchairlinguist
You are reading me incorrectly, which is easy to do on an internet forum, and I wish that people would not read too much into single words as it is a bit frustating to take the time of clarifying. Some have the tendency to do this and make small issues into some big discussion which is no the original purpose.
When I say religious I mean way beyond any formal rituals that you might have in mind. I just don't know any other word to use. My wife is the most compassionate person I ever met- she is the consummate goodist who goes out of her way to listen to or help those in need to the point it causes her distress. I have personally witnessed this over and over again. It is a combination of personality factors as well as religious convictions which motivate her.
But this is not about her, it is about me, so let us keep focused on that. I am not saying I consciously feel any of these things which I have listed, in fact I don't as of now. I am speculating about what I think might be there. It is not a question, as some may suggest, of whether I should or should not feel a certain way, but it is about feelings generated in the unconscious which are repressed and which I am unware of and which I am attempting to unsurface.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| shawnsmith |
Posted - 02/20/2007 : 05:30:08
Yes Tom we have discussed this together as no discussion has been considered taboo in my attempts to recover from TMS. If anything, I am too brutally honest about things at times.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 20:36:19
Shawn, obviously we may have different perspectives on this, but here are two thoughts I had reading over your list.
First, you are valuable for being yourself. You do not have to be someone else or be like someone else to be a valuable and "good" person. Comparison between two people means about as much as comparing apples and oranges. Is an apple better than an orange? Doesn't mean anything. They're just different. Likewise each of us.
I have often wished that I were nicer, like some people I know. But while I continue to try to be kind in my actions and compassionate in my thoughts, I also concluded that perhaps I was not put here to be the "nice one". That is their role. The world also needs wit and honesty (e.g. sarcasm and sometimes saying what is true but not tactful).
Second, to me the fact that someone is religiously observant has no relevance to their character, so I was surprised to see that you list it as a way in which one person could be "better" than other. Observance to me has no relevance, it's what the person does when not engaged in "observance" that's relevant. This may not be your perspective but it's worth considering that perhaps this is not a viable way to judge anything.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| carbar |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 20:04:23
quote:
Originally posted by Bliss
I remember, though, how at first I was on cloud nine to be able to call myself a University student. The kid/students were polite but distant - and that took me aback! Maybe subconsiously, I wanted to go back in time and feel that connection with them but I was pained to learn, that that time will never be recouped.
Bliss, what a really great post! I think this lost time concept is one that really hits me about suffering from TMS. I wonder if this relates back to something in our childhoods that enrages the inner child?
I know that starting when I was very young I always felt a lot of internal pressure to do well (goodism, i suppose), very much at the expense of fun and socializing with peers. In fact, in my mind, socializing was in opposition to doing well in school and was something I felt guilty about. Like I didn't have a concept of enjoying both work and play. Typing this, it makes a lot of sense from my family history, since my parents both worked running a small business, so there wasn't a lot of seperation from work for them, it was constantly a part of their lives.
|
| Singer_Artist |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 19:34:56
Shawn,
I have never noticed any rudeness or sarcasm coming from you...and believe me, those are traits I dislike very much and so notice them quickly..You seem like a wise and kind soul..You are being too hard on yourself..One cannot measure one's value on what they do for a living or how much education they have...We are all valuable in our own ways and have all sorts of seen and unseen talents...Comparing to your wife is the only problem I see here..If you feel you have some rage toward here that is driven by jealousy, I would meditate and pray on getting rid of that..You are blessed to have one another..And, she would not have chosen you to be her husband if she didn't love many things about you...Hope this helps..
Blessings,
Karen |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 19:05:17
Shawn, obviously we may have different perspectives on this, but here are two thoughts I had reading over your list.
First, you are valuable for being yourself. You do not have to be someone else or be like someone else to be a valuable and "good" person. Comparison between two people means about as much as comparing apples and oranges. Is an apple better than an orange? Doesn't mean anything. They're just different. Likewise each of us.
I have often wished that I were nicer, like some people I know. But while I continue to try to be kind in my actions and compassionate in my thoughts, I also concluded that perhaps I was not put here to be the "nice one". That is their role. The world also needs wit and honesty (e.g. sarcasm and sometimes saying what is true but not tactful).
Second, to me the fact that someone is religiously observant has no relevance to their character, so I was surprised to see that you list it as a way in which one person could be "better" than other. Observance to me has no relevance, it's what the person does when not engaged in "observance" that's relevant. This may not be your perspective but it's worth considering that perhaps this is not a viable way to judge anything.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 18:17:33
Shawn, is your wife aware of these issues? |
|
|
