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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
 Posted - 02/15/2007 : 09:24:51
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I was looking over a paper I wrote for a university course I was taking last term. I was reading the prof's comments in the margins and he merely made a few very minor critical formatting comments. I could feel the anger well up within me which went will beyond the normal reaction for such a minor comment. Then it occured to me, I cannot take criticsm of even the slighest magnitude. It wounds me to the core. Strangely, I got an A on the paper and the prof praised me for the excellent work, but all I could concentrate on were those comments on the formatting.
There is some sadness and anger resident within me regarding my academic history. Years ago, after doing very well as an undergrad, I attended grad school with a view to going into academics. I burnt out really bad and also felt I got screwed over a bit. I did not complete my program and was forced to drop out. I felt like a piece of **** for a long time and in the back of my mind this bitterness lingered. I was in a state of denial of years. Also, I was surrounded by many very successful academiclly inclined people, so this contributed to my low self esteem.
But now, at 42, this all bothers me again. I feel old setting in class again with a bunch of youngsters who are young enough to be my children. Also, I feel a sense of humiliation because I should (watch that word "should" as it is a killer) be farther along than this, that I should be in the position of teaching and not taking these courses. Yet here I am, stuck taking more undergrad courses and not feeling the confidence to go higher.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Edited by - shawnsmith on 02/15/2007 09:25:23 |
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JohnO
USA
63 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 09:54:37
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| Don't feel that way. I went back to college at age 47 to get a degree and it was awesome. The kids treated me great even though I was apprehensive at first. Stay with it and have fun with it. It'll be OK. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 09:59:55
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Hi John,
You cannot just tell someone not to feel a certain way. This is all generated in the unconscious mind and I have no control over how I feel in there. You might as well tell me to change the colour of my eyes or my DNA. I see lots of older students around me, but that is not the point. I am seeking to pin point rage generated in the unconscious and coming to terms with what I find.
Sadly, university used to be fun for me, but it is just a chore now. I feel somewhat alientated as the students tend to shun older students. In addition, I really have no desire to associate with 20 year olds.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Edited by - shawnsmith on 02/15/2007 10:03:26 |
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JohnO
USA
63 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 10:04:41
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| Sorry -- didn't mean to piss you off. I was just trying to be encouraging. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 10:15:31
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You did not anger me John in the least. I am just trying to convey that I have no control what takes please in my unconscious mind. This lack of control is what is frustrating.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 10:16:08
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Hi Shawn,
You are really being hard on yourself, you know better! I understand, because I do the same thing to myself and I also know better..I have a degree in Psychology/Fine Art with a minor in Mathematics..I also have an advanced degree in counselling..Yet, I have chosen to follow my dreams as a singer and artist for years..I have given up alot taking this path, mostly financially..I have periods of doing well and then long periods of poverty like now..TMS and all the injuries and deaths i have dealt with in the past decade has set me back in my ultimate dreams of making it in music and art..I have come VERY close to hitting it BIG and then some awful accident put me in bed for months, each time!
So, I find myself also in my 40's, late 40's and what do I have to show for all the life experience, talent and education? I am still a struggling artist and never have been married or had children, with the exception of my 2 doggie kids..My peers are way ahead of me by worldly standards...But remember, Shawn..you are a seeker of truth..and SUCCESS comes on many different levels and in many forms.."The Grass is Always Greener" as they say..And some of my peers dream about being on the road for decades singing like me..or have a big art exhibition in a major library or having a painting on national TV..It's all relative, in other words..And if you recal the Secret movie..our thoughts become things..To me, my spiritual path and my path to God/Jesus is the most important aspect of my life..I mean, in the end..what could be more important? Be gentle with yourself my friend..
God bless and hugs,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 10:20:19
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PS..I always loved college..And I would love to take more courses..I am sure I would feel the same way you are feeling..I understand, in other words..What I would do is just get into what I am learning and try to not even think much about the socializing aspects of school..Your friends are on the outside and you are just bettering yourself by getting more education..It's never too late for that! Cheers!
Karen |
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Bliss
Canada
33 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 13:19:34
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Hi Karen
Can you tell me more about the Secret movie? I think it was on Oprah? Where can I get a copy?
tks
Bliss |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 14:34:12
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Hi Bliss,
Great name, btw! THey have a website,thesecret.tv, but now there is a 4.95 cent charge to watch it...When Shawn posted about it it was still free...Check out previous posts on here, I cannot recal the date of his post...But the subject said something like "Watch this amazing movie," if I recal...If the link is still in his post here, you might be able to still see it for no charge...It is worth the time...very enlightning..
God bless!
~Karen |
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Bliss
Canada
33 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 15:45:47
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Hi Shawn
I totally understand your feelings with school/paper comments/socialization thing/frustration re control...
I'm 42 also. I entered University as a special student first; had never been to University ever. I attained an A in the "tryout course". I felt exhilerated in obtaining such a great mark - for the longest time, I didn't think I was "university material" - so to speak. My confidence soared! I felt entitled to this education, felt this should have been MINE all along (what for the crappy house I grew up in that I could not WAIT to get away from -so no extra school for me, man!)
Anyway, at age 39 sold my house, went part time re job, solicited my husband's support, moved our family into a ditzy condo to afford it all - then plunked our kid into a new school. Back then I had no clue what TMS was but by December of my first year (only straight A's would do - my back was screeeeching in agony. Dropped some courses, finished what I could - then bailed... suffering too much pain.
I remember, though, how at first I was on cloud nine to be able to call myself a University student. The kid/students were polite but distant - and that took me aback! Maybe subconsiously, I wanted to go back in time and feel that connection with them but I was pained to learn, that that time will never be recouped. I now know I must have been seething underneath about that cause I get this sense that I had been robbed. Told myself to quit whining = not good. Sure, there are other mature students, but they have busy LIVES and I found it nearly impossible to establish ties there...we have families, houses, spouses, bills, the basement floods, the kid comes home with head lice, the dog has to get to the vet....aghhhh !!
I tended to work in groups with kids who were into getting good grades - not partying. If I were their age again, I would have (stupidly) called them geeks. Yeah, anyone call Bill Gates a geek now???
I did learn to get my "connection fix" from those at my workplace who were encouraging me, asking questions, showing interest...etc I found people who had never talked to me before when I was a clerk (such as docs/prof.types) began conversations with me about school and offered help, related their own stories...etc. I was likin' the strokes, I tell ya.
Later, I couldn't hide deeply enough in hallway corners dreading having to tell them all that I had quit. They had followed my progress so closely; they felt a part of my accomplishments... I was so humiliated and ashamed. Today, however, I know that I was waaaaay too hard on myself, telling myself that I should have never opened up and made (what I thought) myself "vulnerable" to others.
In my childhood, making yourself vulnerable was a recipe for becoming a victim...but that's another story. I know now that, in my safer adult choice-making world, vulnerable simply means: Being real.
I wonder, sometimes, if mature students have a (natural-ish?) resentment towards the profs/TAs in terms of those side comments on the papers we write. Here we are with so much life experience and some (much younger?) dweeb has free reign to put in their opinions and DIGS! Grrrr. Right or wrong, they don't get held accountable to it and WE don't get a chance to "fight" back - makes you feel like a kid again?? Triggers, triggers. Of course, in reality at age 42, we probably have the ability to intelligently and assertively question the profs/TAs re the comments (I did sometimes)...but subconsciously already ticked off - so too late...(OUCH)
The perfectionistic Bliss was put in a position of student which means not being in the driver's seat. I even knew which Profs I could get an A out of...just by writing what I was certain they wanted to hear (but not what I necessarily BELIEVED as my own person.) Ohhh, anger there !! I compromised my beliefs, thus my being.
And about the age thing/where we "should" be ....
I wrote the book on self-torture there! Lived it daily for over a year till I fell off and sunk into a dark depression. I need to forgive myself. Do you?
Just now watching Oprah and part II of "TheSecret"...interesting stuff to think upon:
- Not forgiving = self abuse. You will live it over and over again. Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
- True forgiveness is to find the gifts in the bad experience that you had or are having.
- Life is not meant to be a struggle. If you fight against the current creating a huge struggle, you have to turn around and let the current carry YOU....in other words, focus on "letting" not "getting".
- Trying is failing with honor. Don't try. Either do it or don't do it.
Ever invite a friend over or throw a party and the intended guest says, "I'll try to be there",,,?
Nine times out of 10, they don't show.
- Wealth = well being in five areas: financial, relational, intellectual, physical and spiritual
- (True, fulfilling) success only happens due to a passion you are following - not to make money.
- You must only compete with yourself
- Mediocrity always attacks excellence
(I think this is why I felt inferior/angry/jealous towards those of my age with the extra education)...cause my thinking is: "why aren't I where YOU are?" My answer? Cause I don't have the courage. OUCH again.
- Celebrate if you get fired. You were never meant to be there in the first place.
- Celebrate other people's accomplishments - openly! You will be the one who benefits.
Take care,
Bliss
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Bliss
Canada
33 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 17:05:05
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Hi Karen
Nope...no longer there - oh well, I'll get to it sooner rather than later.
I just noticed from Shawn's past entries, he knows lots re Secret. I'm new to it all!
Name Bliss = ...trying to find mine!
Tks again
B. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 18:02:15
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Hi Bliss,
What a great show on Oprah today! Thanx for paraphasing the important points for those who haven't seen it! Amazing and practical ways to get the life we all deserve..
Hugs,
Karen |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 20:03:42
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Bliss
You wrote:
"I wonder, sometimes, if mature students have a (natural-ish?) resentment towards the profs/TAs in terms of those side comments on the papers we write. Here we are with so much life experience and some (much younger?) dweeb has free reign to put in their opinions and DIGS! Grrrr. Right or wrong, they don't get held accountable to it and WE don't get a chance to "fight" back - makes you feel like a kid again?? Triggers, triggers. Of course, in reality at age 42, we probably have the ability to intelligently and assertively question the profs/TAs re the comments (I did sometimes)...but subconsciously already ticked off - so too late...(OUCH)"
This is exactly how I feel at times. These eggheads have done nothing but read books for many years and some of them are younger than me.
And by the way, I still call Bill Gates a geek no matter how much money he as made:)))))
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
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Wilf
Canada
53 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 20:17:33
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Shawn,
I,too, am hyper-sensitive to criticism. What I discovered in therapy years ago was that, whenever I heard anything that was in the least bit critical, I was hearing my Father's voice. My perception of my father had been that he was disappointed in me and non-accepting of my mistakes. He always said: "You should have known...." He expected me to know instinctively everything he knew. I should have known but was never taught.
With therapy, I learned to recognize my father's voice and challenge it. This works on an intellectual level. However, on an emotional level, I still shudder when I hear what I perceive to be criticism. It takes a lot of internal dialogue to shut off my critical parent and I do not react as badly to criticism as I used to. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2007 : 15:56:41
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I know I am talking a lot about Napolean Hill's book "Think and Grow Rich" on this forum, but his chapter 15, The Six Basic Fears, has a lot of good insights which may be of assistance here. Here is what he says about the fear of criticsm. I would like to get a discussion going about this as I have been dogged with this for many years and have lashed out at a lot of people over very minor matters. I know that part of this is due to a profound low self esteem, but it is difficult to actually decipher what the roots of all of this. He writes in a strange manner, as the book was written in 1960, but his basic message is sound. Note especially his line: "The individual falls into line and does likewise, lest some other individual CRITICISE him." From my vantage point, there seems to be two conflciting forces at work- the desire to be an individualist subject to little or know rules, while at the same time being forced to conform to certain rules which are necessary for survival. In one way or another we all have to conform, and this can be enraging to the self, especially in an idividualistic orientated society in which most of us on ths board live. Read on and share with me and the rest of the board:
THE FEAR OF CRITICISM
Just how man originally came by this fear, no one can state definitely, but one thing is certain--he has it in a highly developed form. Some believe that this fear made its appearance about the time that politics became a "profession." Others believe it can be traced to the age when women first began to concern themselves with "styles" in wearing apparel.
This author, being neither a humorist nor a prophet, is inclined to attribute the basic fear of criticism to that part of man's inherited nature which prompts him not only to take away his fellowman's goods and wares, but to justify his action by CRITICISM of his fellowman's character. It is a well known fact that a thief will criticise the man from whom he steals--that politicians seek office, not by displaying their own virtues and qualifications, but by attempting to besmirch their opponents.
The fear of criticism takes on many forms, the majority of which are petty and trivial. Baldheaded men, for example, are bald for no other reason than their fear of criticism. Heads become bald because of the tight fitting bands of hats which cut off the circulation from the roots of the hair. Men wear hats, not because they actually need them, but mainly because "everyone is doing it." The individual falls into line and does likewise, lest some other individual CRITICISE him. Women seldom have bald heads, or even thin hair, because they wear hats which fit their heads loosely, the only purpose of the hats being adornment.
But, it must not be supposed that women are free from the fear of criticism. If any woman claims to be superior to man with reference to this fear, ask her to walk down the street wearing a hat of the vintage of 1890.
The astute manufacturers of clothing have not been slow to capitalize this basic fear of criticism, with which all mankind has been cursed. Every season the styles in many articles of wearing apparel change. Who establishes the styles? Certainly not the purchaser of clothing, but the manufacturer. Why does he change the styles so often? The answer is obvious. He changes the styles so he can sell more clothes.
For the same reason the manufacturers of automobiles (with a few rare and very sensible exceptions) change styles of models every season. No man wants to drive an automobile which is not of the latest style, although the older model may actually be the better car.
We have been describing the manner in which people behave under the influence of fear of criticism as applied to the small and petty things of life. Let us now examine human behavior when this fear affects people in connection with the more important events of human relationship. Take for example practically any person who has reached the age of "mental maturity" (from 35 to 40 years of age, as a general average), and if you could read the secret thoughts of his mind, you would find a very decided disbelief in most of the fables taught by the majority of the dogmatists and theologians a few decades back.
Not often, however, will you find a person who has the courage to openly state his belief on this subject. Most people will, if pressed far enough, tell a lie rather than admit that they do not believe the stories associated with that form of religion which held people in bondage prior to the age of scientific discovery and education.
Why does the average person, even in this day of enlightenment, shy away from denying his belief in the fables which were the basis of most of the religions a few decades ago? The answer is, "because of the fear of criticism." Men and women have been burned at the stake for daring to express disbelief in ghosts. It is no wonder we have inherited a consciousness which makes us fear criticism. The time was, and not so far in the past, when criticism carried severe punishments--it still does in some countries.
The fear of criticism robs man of his initiative, destroys his power of imagination, limits his individuality, takes away his self-reliance, and does him damage in a hundred other ways. Parents often do their children irreparable injury by criticising them. The mother of one of my boyhood chums used to punish him with a switch almost daily, always completing the job with the statement, "You'll land in the penitentiary before you are twenty." He was sent to a Reformatory at the age of seventeen.
Criticism is the one form of service, of which everyone has too much. Everyone has a stock of it which is handed out, gratis, whether called for or not. One's nearest relatives often are the worst offenders. It should be recognized as a crime (in reality it is a crime of the worst nature), for any parent to build inferiority complexes in the mind of a child, through unnecessary criticism. Employers who understand human nature, get the best there is in men, not by criticism, but by constructive suggestion. Parents may accomplish the same results with their children. Criticism will plant FEAR in the human heart, or resentment, but it will not build love or affection.
SYMPTOMS OF THE FEAR OF CRITICISM
This fear is almost as universal as the fear of poverty, and its effects are just as fatal to personal achievement, mainly because this fear destroys initiative, and discourages the use of imagination. The major symptoms of the fear are:
SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS.
Generally expressed through nervousness, timidity in conversation and in meeting strangers, awkward movement of the hands and limbs, shifting of the eyes.
LACK OF POISE.
Expressed through lack of voice control, nervousness in the presence of others, poor posture of body, poor memory.
PERSONALITY.
Lacking in firmness of decision, personal charm, and ability to express opinions definitely. The habit of side-stepping issues instead of meeting them squarely. Agreeing with others without careful examination of their opinions.
INFERIORITY COMPLEX.
The habit of expressing self-approval by word of mouth and by actions, as a means of covering up a feeling of inferiority. Using "big words" to impress others, (often without knowing the real meaning of the words). Imitating others in dress, speech and manners. Boasting of imaginary achievements. This sometimes gives a surface appearance of a feeling of superiority.
EXTRAVAGANCE.
The habit of trying to "keep up with the Joneses," spending beyond one's income.
LACK OF INITIATIVE.
Failure to embrace opportunities for self-advancement, fear to express opinions, lack of confidence in one's own ideas, giving evasive answers to questions asked by superiors, hesitancy of manner and speech, deceit in both words and deeds.
LACK OF AMBITION.
Mental and physical laziness, lack of self-assertion, slowness in reaching decisions, easily influenced by others, the habit of criticising others behind their backs and flattering them to their faces, the habit of accepting defeat without protest, quitting an undertaking when opposed by others, suspicious of other people without cause, lacking in tactfulness of manner and speech, unwillingness to accept the blame for mistakes.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Edited by - shawnsmith on 02/17/2007 16:01:18 |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2007 : 16:09:15
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quote:
Originally posted by Wilf
I,too, am hyper-sensitive to criticism.....
With therapy, I learned to recognize my father's voice and challenge it.
Wilf,
Thanks for sharing. Did your father put you down with his words and make you feel inferior, or what did he exaclty say to you, if you don't mind me asking? Somewhere inside out us, and I include myself in this, someone, or a series of people, put us down and made us feel inferior and over time this belief of inferority became internalized. We, and again I include myself in this, have built a wall of defence around us - taking the form of the fear of criticism and lashing out at those who do criticize us- with the view to protecting us from further hurt. It seems a lot of energy is expended in protection form this hurt.
Shawn
*************
Sarno-ize it!
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Edited by - shawnsmith on 02/17/2007 16:22:47 |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2007 : 10:58:35
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Bliss
I wanted to thank you for posting that lenghty profile of yourself. I actually printed it out and read it twice as much of what you stated resonated with me.
Shawn
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
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Bliss
Canada
33 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2007 : 18:06:18
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Cool  |
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Wilf
Canada
53 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2007 : 21:11:01
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Shawn,
My Father was not overly harsh ; he was a wonderful, caring man. My Father, like a lot of parents, believed that it was his role to criticize and correct as a means of helping me learn. Like a lot of TMS people, I am a perfectionist and hate to have my mistakes pointed out to me. The problem was not my Father; the problem was me. The personality we develop is the result of all the messages we have heard in our life-time, particularly as small children, and how we INTERNALIZED those messages. Once I discovered that my reaction to criticism was a response to an internal voice (and a private faulty logic), I could choose to deal with it differently and challenge the critical parent (my perception that it was my Father's voice). This is not always easy to do, but it is a far better choice than an over-reaction to criticism. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2007 : 21:44:14
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Hi Shawn,
I had a critical Dad too growing up and even in adult life..He praised my creativity, which was good, but he was a perfectionist and had strong views on how I chose to live my life...He was very prejudice as well, I did not take on that trait, thank goodness..God rest his soul, I miss both my parents terribly..but we do take on alot of their traits and internalize much of what they do/say to us..(good and bad)..I have come to realize they were doing the best they knew how..and they did love me dearly..as I did them..It is still a constant battle within when you are a perfectionist..Sometimes I remain frozen in certain areas because I am afraid I won't do something perfectly..Thank goodness that doesn't translate into my art..I just go into the Zone and paint! As for criticism, in some areas I take it very well, in others I immediately get defensive..Fascinating creatures we are!
Thanks for an interesting post..I am still digging my way out of an acute attack..Constantly talking to myself..and I think it's working!
Hugs and God bless,
Karen |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 16:04:39
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I wonder sometimes to what extent I am angry at my dear wife. It is even painful to admit to such feelings as we seem to get along so well, except for a few minor irritations. But my wife is better than me in every way (and yes, that is my low self-esteem talking. Everyone is better than me in my warped view of myself).
* She is more religiously observant than I am
* She is kind and gentle with people and people speak well of her. I am the opposite, and can be down right rude and sarcastic with people.
* She has many talents that I only can dream of possessing.
* She has many more friends than I have. In fact, I have very few friends at all.
* She has a PhD from a prestigious university. I am a university dropout.
* She has a successful career. I am unemployed and have no confidence to look for work.
I think at times I possess an inferiority complex around her as well as being angry that she has been so successful while I at the same time am so damn dependent on her in so many ways. I honestly don't consciously feel angry at her, but I also know about repression.
At times I feel trapped with no place to go, but also have a full realization that the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side.
I wonder at times when I purposely hurt her feelings with an unkind word or making an unreasonable demand that I am in some way expressing that anger towards her. Or maybe it is not directed at her at all, but something that she represents which generates anger on the inside. IE: Her success reminds me of my failures.
As I stated at the beginning, to entertain the idea that I am angry at her at all is rather painful.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
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Criticism
