| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| JaneLeslie |
Posted - 09/30/2006 : 11:32:58
Hi gang, As many of you know I am new to this so I don't feel able to respond much to others yet but have a bundle of questions and feel somewhat in turmoil. I have been working Brady program for a few weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am really getting somewhere and then bam! I will get anxiety that I can't explain. I have noticed that the pain is moving around some whcih I know is a good sign. I have been able to (I think) uncover repressed emotions---some having to do with joy from my family of origin that I believe I actually repressed when my parents got divorced. I will admit that at times I feel like a "borderline" personality. Irrational thoughts, anxiety, at times depressed. How long does it take to get to the BOTTOM! Overall, I think I am on the right track and the anxiety is yet another TMS distraction I guess.
What made it worse was that the other day I saw a therapist who clearly knows nothing about chronic pain and TMS (I had hoped she was educable but she was only mildly) who told me I was letting myself "wallow" in my pain! This was because I was trying very hard (and succeeding in the safety of her office) to get to the repressed stuff. She told me I needed more balance in my life than focusing on this and getting myself upset!!!! This is making me enraged because she has NO idea what I am trying to do and how hard this is for me. (I think this woman herself is divorced so when I tried to talk about my parents' divorce it might have been hard for her.) But when I told her that when my parents unceremoniously broke up our family when I was 19 she said that by 19 kids shouldn't need their parents that much!!! The thing is I NEEDED THEM! What's most impt. is htat I had no emotional release (sadness, rage) about their divorcing at the time. I stuffed it and then a few months later had my first bout with chronic fatigue (TMS) and had to leave college for a while. So, my UCS. mind begs to differ with her!
To be fair she tried and did hear me out. But I feel like I have no use for therapists who are off the mark. She also said I would be lucky to cure myself by 60%. What is she talking about? She is a nice person which makes me feel guilty to say bad things about but she knows nothing about TMS and doesn't seem to want to learn.
I am trying now to do my journalling about anger, etc. But I am also trying to remember memories from childhood which I instinctively miss. My memories are almost all gone. I am trying to flood myself with soothing images from my past that help my narcisstic self. My family will not ever be whole again but the dreaming seems to feel good. This also takes pressure off my present family (husband/kids) because there must have been pressure on them to make up for the flaws and the break-up of the original family.
Any other techniques besides soothing images or journalling? Any opinions? Is this the normal process? I am wee bit overwhelmed! I am mad at this therapist so needed to tell someone.
Thanks and Bless all of you! Many of you have really outdone yourselves and I don't feel I deserve it, but thanks.
Jane |
| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| JaneLeslie |
Posted - 10/04/2006 : 16:47:10
Oh yes, thanks. I read The Drama of hte Gifted Child many years ago. Worth a re-visit!
Arm-chair linguist: you had and have a very strange situation with your folks which must always feel unresolved and unmourned. I hope you get to the bottom of it. You need to accept for yourself (even if no one else does) that it is a huge loss, it is not your fault and you have every right to be FURIOUS! It is also embarrassing for the kids (even grown up kids) isn't it. We feel like we carry their shame. Have to get ourselves off the hook!
Jane |
| miehnesor |
Posted - 10/03/2006 : 14:29:56
JL,
If you are going to shop for another therapist I strongly recommend you read "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller if you haven't already read it. This book is a must read for all TMS'ers IMO but especially for those therapist shopping because you really have to find a therapist that is going to be OK with your feelings and encouraging you to feel rather then what your current therapist is doing. Good Luck. |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 10/03/2006 : 12:05:10
I wish my parents thought the grass wasn't greener, because I sure don't think it is. I have never understood their decision, in part because they have an unusual separation. Unlike most, they are still very friendly, talk on the phone a fair bit, visit each other. When they lived in the same town (my dad has since moved) they would go for walks and other exercise together once a week or so. We all have holidays together. All of my friends with divorced parents think this is really weird and are baffled by it; they don't really empathize with me in the same way as they do with people whose parents don't get along, or are amicable but have really separate lives. My parents don't date other people (thank goodness). They still consider us a family, which I think is a cop-out since in a family the parents are married (no judgment meant on any other family -- maybe I should just say that in MY family the parents are married!). They claim that the decision was mutual but based on their behavior I have discerned that it was definitely more desired by one than the other, so I was really angry that they felt they had to lie and present a united front. That was like they still thought I was a child, instead of just an adult who wants her parents to be a family.
I was so mad right after that I didn't want to talk to them for weeks. They insisted on calling me to talk about it when I had nothing to say to them except I AM REALLY MAD AT YOU. That's so typical. They always want me to react to things in just the way that they want. If they want to talk about it, so should I. If they don't (as they don't now) then neither should I. Let's pretend that everything is fine! That'll really help. I don't feel like I have any say in what they do so I usually do try to pretend everything is fine even though I know that's not a good idea. And I do like them and I don't want to totally lose touch because in a lot of ways they are good parents and do care about me. But I often still just don't want to interact with them because I am so mad. It never seems to stop.
Oh man, I hate revisiting this. I know it's a big source of my TMS -- I can feel that repression trying to go on right now! I've gotta bow out for a bit and concentrate on my work.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| JaneLeslie |
Posted - 10/03/2006 : 11:47:26
Good for you Michelle! It is very hard for people who are unhappy in a marriage to really understand this. Of course there is the rare situation where it might not be the case but for most of us with divorced parents there will always be a hole. It then changes EVERY relationship we ever had from there on out. Many of us deal with "steps" and "halfs." OUr identity shifts. If we are TMS types we swallow guilt, anger, depression, the works. We don't know our world anymore. We don't see family pictures or share a home with both our parents. Few family stories are told because it is "the past." I can look back on all of this now and know it. I wish I knew it 20 years ago and maybe I could have avoided a lot of illness. I could have let myself feel it all, instead I had fibromyalgia that sent me to the emergency room in pain on occasion and really limited my horizons.
Research shows that the great majority of troubled marriages "even-out" in the end.
Thanks for sharing that!
Jane |
| Michele |
Posted - 10/03/2006 : 09:23:13
This is one reason I refuse to divorce. My children are 16 and 18 and I KNOW in my heart it would devastate them. Family is everything to them. They feel safe in our home, safe to express themselves, and safe to return for comfort when needed. My husband and I have had our moments, and we've come close, but we seem to have reached a point where we can live together in peace. We've matured, and I think we both know the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. |
| JaneLeslie |
Posted - 10/02/2006 : 15:57:22
Thanks for that! Maybe we should have a thread for this because we cannot be alone. One of the hard things about it is that I feel ashamed for acknowledging that I am upset about it because it was considered "no big deal" by my parents (easy for them) and because I wanted to appear sophisticated and because society doesn't really want to acknowledge the pain of young adults---hey any age---who lose their parents and families to divorce. The repercussions are huge. I feel that if I had them together I would have a better relationship with just about everyone else in my life, my siblings, my own family. It really stinks.
My mother would rage at my Dad sometimes, but in the end--like your situation---it was probably the lack of expression of any angry feelings (especially on my Dad's part) that killed it. My TMS doc hypothesizes that very pent-up families who do not express much emotion or affection have kids like this. Who knows. I have been letting myself express anger (as well as cuddling and love) with my kids because I am always so careful about not getting "mad" at them, but I am tired of being stoic all the time!
Thanks for your input.
Jane |
| armchairlinguist |
Posted - 10/02/2006 : 11:19:45
JL,
Many people have already said the therapist is horrible and to ditch her, and I agree. But I want to add as another child of parents who divorced (well, long-term separated with no stated intention of getting back together) when I was an adult (23):
We have every right to be upset! It's a horrible feeling and experience. I was so disillusioned by their breakup. It felt like everything I'd ever known was suddenly false. Our need for our parents changes as we age but it does not go away. Up until very recently people pretty much never moved out of their families' area, sometimes never out of their home. We need our family and if the parents decide to be two separate people, no longer a couple, that family is split up. And often it also blows into the open the issues that caused the divorce/separation...in my family's case inability to connect emotionally in an authentic way because of inability to express anger and other unpleasant emotions, and that was hard to come to grips with, both how it affected me and how it must have affected them, and I just felt that they had stopped trying, that how could I ever hope to form a successful relationship since I apparently have lost my model for one. I could go on and on. So however you feel and how upset you are, know that it's real and it's legitimate and there are others out there who understand.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
| JaneLeslie |
Posted - 10/01/2006 : 15:38:24
Thanks everyone who replied to me. I agree that I cannot go back to this person. I have had so much time in therapy in my life but I think the therapy was not EXACT enough. I think it kept missing the mark. I did e-mail a guy named Ron Siegel who is a PHD. in the Boston area who said he can see me for consultation, which would be good. He wrote a book on back pain too but I have not read it yet. He can't see me every week but it is better than nothing.
I am surprised at how helpless and scared I feel at times in this process, I would like to just laugh at my TMS like some folks do. Not there yet. I feel guilty jilting this lady because of my pain personality but I know I have to. She was sort of a friend and good for other issues, but this is no use and I am getting too frustrated.
Thanks and more thanks !
Jane |
| Nor |
Posted - 09/30/2006 : 20:11:23
At first I thought I wouldn't respond since everyone else did such a thorough job of communicating this but then I figured it couldn't have been repeated enough: Ditch her. She may be nice but do you have the time or money to "educate" someone who is supposed to be helping you? Why would you want to?
I agree w/all the others!
Nor |
| Curiosity18 |
Posted - 09/30/2006 : 16:43:41
JaneLeslie,
Do not, and I repeat do not return to that therapist! Right now, especially this early in the game, your feelings need to be validated. What is not going to be helpful is for some well-meaning professional to tell you what you should be experiencing/feeling. SonoraSky is right. There are lots of therapist to choose from, and it is important to shop around. If they are not 1. Insight /psychodynamically oriented and 2. At least willing to learn more about Sarno's approach, it is not very likely that they can be helpful with TMS. Sometimes insurance companies push cognitive therapy because they consider it to be short-term and more cost-effective for them. In this case, you're going to need to be your own advocate. I'm sure you'll find someone who can help you.
Curiosity |
| sonora sky |
Posted - 09/30/2006 : 14:13:30
It sounds like you might want to start shopping around for a therapist that you can see eye to eye with. At lest one that's knowledgable and accepting of mindbody connections. I originally contacted my therapist by email (found her website on a google search for psychodynamic or insight-oriented therapists (as opposed to CBTs) in my area). I asked her upfront if she was familiar with Dr. Sarno's approach and if she would be willing to learn more about it and work with me from that standpoint. It turns out she was really enthusiastic about it and agreed to read sarno before our first appointment. Even though we focus on emotional issues (the root of TMS) in our sessions, it's nice to know we're on the same page when it comes to the emotional-physical link.
I truly recommend shopping around when it comes to therapy--there are tons of therapists out there, each with a different style and personality, so it makes sense that some will make a better fit than others.
"She is a nice person which makes me feel guilty to say bad things about but she knows nothing about TMS and doesn't seem to want to learn."
Don't stick with her just because your inner goodist says so! You deserve the best guidance; don't be shy about seeking it out.
ss |
| HilaryN |
Posted - 09/30/2006 : 14:03:54
While it's true that Sarno says that you don't have find what repressed emotions are causing the pain to get better, I think that if you feel you need to let out the repressed emotions, you should go ahead and do it. It sounds like you’re going along the right path. It’s bound to be overwhelming – it’ll probably just take time to get through it.
Hilary N |
| Susie |
Posted - 09/30/2006 : 12:25:55
Forget the therapist, she is not important enough to ruin your day. You are not going to educate her into accepting the tms theory and furthermore, why do you care? We all begin by wanting to convince others that Sarno is right, but that is about us, not them. Most will never believe it anyway. I have not seen your other posts so forgive me if you have already posted this but have you read Sarno? I would suggest to you that it is not necessary to slice into everything in your past to start healing. Understanding that there is nothing psysically wrong with you and that your brain is causing your symptoms is usually enough for a cure. If you do need a therapist, try one familiar with tms. Also, anxiety is a symptom just like pain. Acknowledge this and practice Sarno's method. |
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