| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 11:26:30
Hi everyone,
It's been quite a rough couple of weeks for me and I haven't been on the forum much at all.
My husband and I have been talking about the possibility of divorce, with me being the one pushing it. We have had two rather intense sessions with a marriage counselor, the most gut wrenching (hence the stomach pain) experience of my entire life. My husband was weeping throughout both sessions, one of the sessions lasting two hours. He desperately wants to keep the marriage alive and I'm just not sure.
The weirdest part of the whole thing is, two weeks ago I made the decision that we should probably split up or at least separate. Once I made that decision, my dizzines pretty much was gone (with only one or two fleeting seconds of imbalance). I said this in both therapy sessions, to which my husband said "Well, I think your dizziness is gone because everything is finally coming out." I tend to disagree. I really feel in my heart that once I made that decision I started to feel better. I think for a long time I have believed my marriage has been a big stressor and a big "cause" of my TMS.
I told him in therapy yesterday that I wanted him to move out but I guess it's not that simple. He really does not want to leave. I have had my mind made up about this and then last night I had a moment of weakness. I had been out with my girlfriend to a home clothing party and then we stopped off for a glass of wine. The place we stopped off to is a place my husband and I have gone to together. Also, the duo who was singing we have listened to before. They were playing songs that my husband loves, like James Taylor. All this was reminding me of what we once had, how I once felt. I took my friend home and I drove around for awhile, crying and feeling confused. Then I drove by our old house, the one where both of our kids were born, the one where my husband taught them to ride their bikes. That made me really sad. When I got home, we started talking and he kept hugging me and asking for a second chance. I'm so confused - I don't know what I want. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever been through.
Now, I'm wondering if I give in and try to make things work again if my dizziness will start back up again. Throughout all of this experience, my stomach has been an absolute wreck. I've lost 11 pounds in less than two weeks.
Any thoughts? I'm lost.
Laura
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| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Laura |
Posted - 11/20/2005 : 17:10:43
Thanks, Mala.
Twoiecat,
Not sure what your point is but thanks ever so much for your post. Perhaps you should get a life!
Laura
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| twoiecat |
Posted - 11/19/2005 : 21:14:01
Thanks for the info Marla. I appreciate it. |
| mala |
Posted - 11/19/2005 : 18:38:55
Eh... actually a lot of people have responded to Lara's message. It's just that it is under another heading "acne and hair thinning".
Just thought I'd let you know..
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| twoiecat |
Posted - 11/19/2005 : 16:22:55
Do you realize no one has really responded since you finally admitted you have been seeing someone for 5 weeks before posting it?
Hope your life is getting better though because I can relate to what you are going through. |
| redskater |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 10:37:31
Did you think those same things when you met your husband? NO ONE is without their own set of baggage and personality traits. He may seem wonderful now, but believe me he's only human!!!! Get your own life together first, only you can make yourself happy, don't try to put all that pressure on someone else, they will only disappoint you. Because if you leave and then find out that this guy wasn't what you thought then you will not know if you left for the right reason or not, you'll just be second guessing what you did. I REPEAT, do not do this unless it is only for you and your kids, no one else. You might ask yourself why is he in his situation? If he was so perfect, what happened? And believe me it takes two to make a mess of things! Do not see this guy or talk to him until you are completely free and have been on your own for a while. I'm sure he knows how vulnerable you are. If he's so wonderful, he will wait and give you the time it takes to heal.
I don't mean to be so hard, you are going through a tough time, don't make it any harder on yourself!
FOCUS!
Gaye |
| Laura |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 09:33:45
Verdammt,
You are absolutely right, I know that. But at the same time, I don't think I would have had the courage to move forward had I NOT met someone else. It's like I was stuck in this dead end marriage for years and years and wanting out so badly, but never having the "push" that I needed. This was the push, but unfortunately I think you are right. I'm so vulnerable right now and he does seem great in so many ways. At the same time, there are some things I'm starting to question and it's making me think "Heck, I don't need either of these guys. I just need to get my life together and work on me."
Thank you.
Laura
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| verdammt |
Posted - 10/16/2005 : 20:12:30
"...I met somebody else."
Yikes! Been there, done that. The worst thing you can do during divorce proceedings is to get involved with someone else. That new person will always seem perfect - the key to your happiness, the one you should have married, the answer to all your prayers, etc. Take a deep breath. You're going through one of life's most stressful situations right now. You're vulnerable. You're frightened. And your judgement could be a bit unbalanced.
Stay focussed. Stay frosty. First get your life together. Then, when you're in a position of strength and stability, think about getting involved with someone new. You'll save yourself a lot of grief. |
| Laura |
Posted - 10/16/2005 : 11:15:53
Hi everyone,
A lot has happened since I last posted on here. One thing that I never mentioned at the beginning of this thread is that five weeks ago, when I ultimately decided to end my marriage, I met somebody else. The thing is, I had been so unhappy for so many years, even posting on this forum several times about the stress in my marriage and my wanting out. I feel as though I'd been standing at the edge of a cliff for a very long time, waiting for a push, and this person was what finally gave me that push. He was the catalyst that got me thinking "What the heck am I doing in this marriage?" The night I met him, sparks flew. I had gone to a club with a group of girls for a girls night out. The four of us wanted to go out and be crazy for one night. We had dinner and then went into the bar area. I wasn't feeling well that night and actually thought about leaving. The place is nearly an hour away from my house and I couldn't really do that to my friends. I suffer from IBS and my stomach was cramping and in pain throughout the dinner. I had to leave and go sit in my car for about an hour, writhing and rocking back and forth to make myself feel better. I took some stomach medication and tried taking deep breaths and eventually I was okay. When I went back into the club my friends said "Let's all go up and dance." In 20 years of marriage, I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I have never even danced with another man. Usually, on the rare occasions I go out like that with friends, I turn everyone down who asks me to dance. I only dance with my friends, because it's safe. But that night, this person was standing next to me and kept looking at me and I kept looking at him. Sparks flew and he asked me to dance. I danced with him all night, for hours. We talked and talked and it was intense. We left the club and went to an "after party" which was really just an excuse to sober up two of the girls who had had a little too much to drink. I sat and talked with "him" and we really had a connection. It turns out we have a great deal in common, to the point of it being almost scary. It also turned out his name is the same name as my husband, he lives in the same city as me, and he is going through the same marital crap as me. He has moved out and they are in the process of filing a separation.
We have been seeing each other and talking to one another ever since. I cannot get him out of my head. There is an attraction that is so intense it scares me. It's like for five weeks I've been living this double life. I would leave and take walks and meet him, or go out with my friend and meet him for a glass of wine and talk. The more we got to know one another, the more and more coincidences we found. It's just so weird that I would meet someone nearly an hour away that lives right here, 10 minutes from my house, who is going through the same thing.
Fast forward to Friday. We saw the marriage counselor and my husband now knows about "him." It was forced out of me and I had no choice but to say it. Now my husband is frantically trying to win me back. Every chance he gets he is hugging me and the last two mornings I have woken up to him next to me hugging me and sounding so desperate. The thing is, my husband doesn't get that this desperation is a big turn off. The other guy is busy - he plays hockey, coaches hockey, and works a 40 hour week. He made his life busy when he was unhappy in his marriage, just to be away from his wife. He is not always available because of this right now. He can't just walk away, it's what he loves and it's his passion. That makes him attractive to me.
Since I met him and since I decided to end my marriage, NO DIZZINESS. It's gone. My stomach, on the other hand, has been a mess and continues to be a mess. It feels ripped apart on the inside. Now, it's getting even worse with my husband knowing what's going on and trying to pressure me to end that (i.e. stop talking to the guy at all) and put 100% into working on our marriage. I just don't think I want that. I didn't want it before I met the guy and I don't think I want it now. I thought we were filing for divorce this week and now I'm feeling confused, even though I still feel empty and have no feelings for my husband.
So, as you can see, things are a mess. My life is upside down, my IBS is in full swing, and I need to get some peace in my life. I'm off to the gym now to work out. It always helps to blow off some steam. I haven't slept well in five weeks and this weekend I actually got 6 hours one night and 8 the next. I feel like a new person now that I've had some sleep. I was averaging one to two hours per night, if that.
I will continue to keep you posted.
Laura
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| Laura |
Posted - 10/06/2005 : 18:05:01
Dear Gaye,
Thanks! It's been pretty awful but you're right. The other day we had to go to our temple for the Jewish near year. What a good time (NOT). My husband was sighing the entire time and kept getting up and leaving. Then, on the way home he went off on the kids about a bunch of things and tried to drag me into it with him. I'm so done. I'm ready to get my own place and start my life.
Today, after I posted on here, my husband called and said "Please don't get an attorney. Let's try to do this amicably, with a mediator and preserve our money for ourselves and our kids' education." Wow. That's the first thing he's said that's made sense in a very long time!
I'll keep you posted on what happens!
Laura
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| redskater |
Posted - 10/06/2005 : 11:14:07
I was wondering how you were doing. The fear of the unknown is always a lot scarier than the events that actually happen. You will be fine! What's the worst that can happen? That you have to get a job, your own place to live? How about no more stomach pain, dizziness, and whatever else our mindbody throws at us. How about peace of mind and knowing you are doing something positive for you and your kids and quite possibly for your husband as well.
Gaye |
| Laura |
Posted - 10/06/2005 : 10:51:05
I am now days away from filing for divorce and it is amazing how it's taken it's toll on my body. The dizziness has been gone pretty much for weeks now, since I made my decision. However, the stomach pain just doesn't stop. Every time I start thinking about what I am doing and how things are all going to change, my stomach starts hurting like crazy. Last night it was so bad I probably slept about two hours all night - I was just writhing in the bed holding my stomach. I know for a fact it is pure stress. Tomorrow is our last appointment with the marriage counselor and I will be making it clear that I am filing for divorce. We will be putting our house up for sale and moving on. It is so scary, yet I am trying to look forward with anticipation to the future. Please keep me in your thoughts everyone.
Laura
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| Laura |
Posted - 10/02/2005 : 16:06:06
Hi everyone,
Here's the update. My husband has been in Las Vegas all weekend. I've been alone at home with the kids. I did not miss him one bit, not at all. He called me several times but I didn't have much to say. It seems that now that we are on "friendly" terms, he is getting more and more hope that we can resolve things. That's the problem. Unless I'm a total witch, he thinks there is hope. Of course, he called me yesterday and said "I miss you" to which I didn't even respond. Then he said "I hope it's okay I said that" and again I said nothing. I don't know what to say. And on Friday, I'm supposed to have reached a decision about what I want.
Today, he called to say he had left and would be home in four hours. Then he starts asking me how my weekend was, what I did last night and with whom (went out with a few friends), etc. I was telling him that I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do to make money and that my friend thinks I should pursue my photography more. To this he responded "Yeah, and we could build you a studio in the house or something and you could bring clients in to photograph them." I didn't say anything again, and then he added "or wherever..." This is really difficult.
Last night when we were out I was crying and my friends had to console me. Some man who is a friend of one of my friends was telling me last night that when he divorced his wife he was the one who wanted out and he was the one, like me, who asked for the divorce. He told me that he used to cry and cry all the time, for weeks, but that he just didn't love his wife anymore the way he should have loved her. I feel the same way. It's good to know it's normal to feel that way, as a couple others have mentioned this to me.
As far as the dizziness, it's just not there. I can honestly say it's gone. Let's see what happens...
Laura
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| Laura |
Posted - 09/30/2005 : 20:28:34
Dear Susie,
You know, I've been walking around in a daze all day long. And I have the most intense sadness that I have ever felt in my life. Really. It's bad. I just feel like how I would imagine one feels when someone close to you has died. I'm not coping well. I'm glad my husband is away but I'm really having a difficult time here. Unfortunately, I made a committment to a friend to come to a home party she is doing for a skin care line. She's been pushing me to come because she wants to sign on as a consultant and thinks it would be good money for both of us. I'm feeling like starting anything right now is the last thing I want to do. I can barely cope just doing what I need to do (i.e. running kids around and keeping up the house).
Your post made me feel better, like I'm not alone. I'm sure there are millions of people out there going through similar experiences. I will get through it, I know, but it sure is painful.
Laura
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| Susie |
Posted - 09/30/2005 : 19:24:06
Laura, one more thing. Divorce was upsetting and a very sad experience. I would sit in a daze for hours and was a zombie much of the time. Once we seperated it was much easier. I had chosen a path. Of course, all of our relationships are different and I certainly wouldn't speak for anyone but myself but divorce turned out to be the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I left the marrage at a dead run and never looked back. That sounds pretty cold but I was DONE. The dread and talk and thought of divorce was much worse than the divorce itself. I often think that the fear causes more pain than the process. Sounds kinda like tms,doesn't it? Get some 10mg Ambien and get some sleep. Everything seems worse when you are extremely tired. Best of luck. Susie |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/30/2005 : 16:37:37
Dear Stryder,
Thanks for your support. You know, a friend of mine told me about a year ago about the abandonment issue - how the mother should never leave the home and kids (even if you can't stand being in the house with your husband!!) because they consider it abandonment and you can lose custody. I remembered it because that was an important thing for me to remember. You see, even a year ago I was inquiring about all this stuff. I didn't just "wake up" one day and decide all this, as I think my husband wants to believe.
My husband doesn't have two lawyers; he's just consulted with two lawyers. One of them was a number the marriage counselor gave and the other someone in the office building where he works. Both told him the same thing "The father should never leave either, no matter what, or it's the same thing - abandonment." I think it's a crock myself, but who am I to argue with these idiots.
I haven't consulted any lawyers, mostly because we are in dire straits financially and I'm scared to death. I think we can end things amicably, I really do. This morning he left for Las Vegas for the weekend. He was invited to go on a business trip with some of the office staff and was not going to go, but I made it quite clear in the counseling session yesterday that I really wanted him to leave and be away for a few days and this would be the perfect opportunity.
This whole things really messing with my head. I go back and forth from "Let's just get the ball rolling and terminate the whole damn thing" to "Well, maybe he's right. I should find a job and start making some money and then we can start proceeding." Of course, this morning when he left and kept hugging me and telling me how much he still loves me, how attracted he is, and all that, I felt confused. I mean, I still don't have any feelings but maybe I could get feelings...That's why I originally thought a trial separation would be good. I thought it would give me a chance to have my own thoughs and be away from him for awhile, and perhaps miss him and want to find a way to rekindle things. This is all so scary and new for me.
My IBS is in full swing, I haven't slept for two nights (I thought the insomnia was gone - maybe it is and I just had two bad nights). But the dizziness has been all but gone.
Aahhh. I can breathe so much easier today knowing he is away and I can be alone with my thoughts (and my computer!)
Thanks everyone.
Laura
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| Stryder |
Posted - 09/30/2005 : 13:20:30
Hi Laura,
I have no first hand experience with what you are going through but sincerely sympathize with your situation wish you all the best in working out a solution.
Having watched this thread unfold, my only thought is maybe have a trial separation to give you and your spouse some room to clear your heads and not be under the gun all the time. You don't need lawyers to do that. But it would mean your husband should move out for a while, like a month or so.
Speaking of lawyers, Marc is right in that they offer no help to your situation other than to empty your collective wallets.
But you should not assume that divorce means that _you_ have to move out. I may be mistkaen, but being the mom of 2 kids, you have some automatic rights, and like Marc says, the law is pretty clear.
Unless there has been some sort of abuse regarding your kids, the court 95% of the time awards the house to the mom and kids, and dad is sent packing. He will have to pay child support _and_ pay for the house you are accustomed to. Yes, you will likely have to get a job as well, but why do you think you husband has TWO laywers! He knows that he's on the hook big time here and that the law is on your side.
If the situation was a bit less volatile, you can even work out all the details without _any_ lawyers, but that means that you and your spouse have to collectively agree on the terms and who gets what.
Be careful, do not move out, that would indicate abandonment, you need to keep your side of the story on the side of you and your kids.
So you need to check into this a bit more to understand what the LAW (not the lawyers) are likely to award you. I think you are in a much more powerful position than you think. Check it out (yes, that may mean consulting legal advice, and if you can't afford one on your own dime, your husband is obligated to pay for your lawyer).
Take care, -Stryder |
| Laura |
Posted - 09/30/2005 : 10:18:00
Thank you again everyone. I really appreciate the input from all of you. Yes, Marc is right...we all have to make our own decisions and nobody can do that for us. But the input we get here is invaluable. Like he said, it was this very forum that helped him see things more clearly in his own marriage and ultimately decide to stay. He made that decision on his OWN. The friends he's made here didn't do that for him. I, too, will need to make my own decisions here. But I respect what each and every one of you has to say and I truly think that the input is invaluable.
Susie makes a good point and I am considering and thinking about what she said. I just don't know what to do, but my husband just left for Las Vegas (for business) for the entire weekend so at least I have some peace and time to be with my own thoughts. My husband did say in therapy yesterday that both attorneys that he spoke with made it clear it was going to cost a bundle (like $30,000 or something crazy). One of those idiots actually had the nerve to say "So, I guess it will be my kid's college education instead of yours..." What a jerk.
I just spent six hours laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I literally did not sleep all night, and it is painful just to try to function today. There needs to be some resolution to this soon, I know.
Before my husband left today, he said he wanted to hug me goodbye. When he did, I just burst into tears. It was awful. I couldn't stop crying. It's times like that when I weaken and begin to think maybe I'm crazy. I know he really does love me, probably more than I knew. He told me he is still so attracted to me and has never lost that since the day he met me. God I wish I could have those same feelings for him, I really do. It would be so much easier. But the sad truth is, I don't. I love him and I feel bad for him, but I don't want to confuse those feelings with being "in love." To stay in a marriage that has no spark left would be cheating both myself and him. He deserves to be with someone who will love him that way.
I'm sorry, I think I'm just rambling out of lack of sleep and pure exhaustion. Thank you Art, Susie, Baseball, Gaye, and everyone else for your concern, your thoughts, and your input. The people on this forum help give me strength.
Laura
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| redskater |
Posted - 09/30/2005 : 08:56:11
Laura, I just gotta say that I feel for you and know how hard of a position you are in. I can tell from reading your posts that you know what the right thing for you ultimately is. My advice is to get out as soon as possible. It's the only way you will get any perspective on this without your husband trying to guilt you into staying. If you decide to come back, so be it, but at least you will have made that decision on your own and it will also be so much easier to go through with the divorce if you are already on your own. You will feel so much better.
Cheers,
Gaye |
| art |
Posted - 09/30/2005 : 08:22:33
Susie makes a lot of sense..That kind of situation can create explosive tension and anger. Let's face it, that controlling narcissist of a husband of yours could just blow at any time.. |
| Baseball65 |
Posted - 09/29/2005 : 20:23:32
I thought I'd add a note here....Lawyers SUCK.Period.
Every state has laws regarding divorce,assets and how they are divided.It's not unlike disabilty or unemployment.There is just a formula,they plug in numbers and there is the settlement.Any lawyer who tells you otherwise is a LIAR(most of them)...emotional surges and 'demands' are all comical to the Law..they Have NOTHING to do with what you will get.The Law spells it out crystal clear.
Lawyers LOVE emotional anger filled divorces,because it is the ONLY thing that can drive up their fees(wasted time).They encourage bitterness as Susie illuminated.Lawyers should advise on Law ONLY...if they start giving you tips on relationships,ending,starting or managing them GET ANOTHER LAWYER.I got really angry reading Susies post...not at Susie..at the Lawyer.I'd love to track him down alone in an alley and hurt him.....he's a punk.period.
Many times on this forum we have discussed stopyourdivorce.com and Homers website and online book.I thought it would be remiss if we did not at least mention it here,as it may or may not be relevant.If Lauras Husband read it,he might have a chance of reconciliation...unfortunately,he's doing everything to push her away possible...explaining why her anger is unjustified,threatening financial hardship,basically being a big baby(like all of us).....sounds like someone I'd love to be around....N'T
Internet friends might actually give better comfort,advice and companionship than a real live friend because A.We don't know each other and can be perfectly candid. B.We have to WRITE out all of our ideas,and a typographical epistomology has to be cohesive,logical and rational to be interpretted on the other end....no "ya' know,and like...uhhh..."..stammering and nonsequitirs and most important C.We have NOTHING to gain by siding one way or another.I've never met a single person from a forum EVER...I did meet a guy I play ball with on eBay,but that's a different story.
I too went through what Laura is going through recently.I wanted a divorce,was at a stalemate with my wife,and actually was already out of the house....broke,homeless and alone.
However,when I came on this forum to bitch about my wife,the info you guys gave me showed me my experience was typical.Getting divorced is also typical...it is much harder to work it out than to leave.However I had suffered through NONE of the same things as our protagonist,Laura...My discontent was based upon my wifes FAMILY not on my wife(other than her terror of facing them...cowardice??)..and I was mostly hurt because at the time of the alleged incident,I was more in Love with her than ever before......passion can turn sour quickly.
The most important thing to remember for you,me and all of us,is each of us makes and has to live with our own decisions...making them because 'so and so' told me is assinine,juvenile and irresponsible.Later,when it backfires,we can always blame our advisers.
I decided to work it out with my wife BECAUSE you guys showed me I was RighT...but being right wasn't making me feel better...it was making me feel like a jerk.I decided to stop being right,as it wasn't getting me anywhere,and to just move into the natural flow...wherever..didn't want to leave her,didn't want her back.My decision.
Of course,it led me back to her....and the hurt is still there...unaddressed and if I think about it,I can still work myself up into a fury.
There is no 'answer'..there's you,God(if you believe) and the dirt you,me and the rest are headed back to.
Don't rely on Lawyers,friends or anybody...we're all so afraid to have our own experience...just like when we recovered from TMS ,you cannot heal vicariously.
It all comes down to your own soul and the truth,,,,,and how much of it you can stand.If we ever got it all at once we would spontaneously combust...it's harsh enough in little spoonfuls.
---off my apple box
-piggy
Baseball65 |
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