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lindaleyner
Germany
46 Posts |
 Posted - 01/25/2015 : 07:30:08
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Hello to all of you!
I think you won't remember me.
This, I believe, was my first Thread from "back then"
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=6310
I cannot believe it's been five years.
I battled with anxiety and RSI-like symptoms in those times. I was afraid my life had basically come to an end already, at 17.
It didn't - thanks to approaching the issue from a mental health POV, I was able to overcome RSI. I did stop playing videogames (although I do play some, every once in a while so no avoidance there!), but it was not because of pain. Rather, I found new interests to submerge myself in.
In the last five years, things have been going okay. I have days where RSI flares up again, but then, I recognize it for what it is. It may burn for a day, but it clears up the next morning. I know this little demon, and it has lost its hold on me.
But now... life's thrown me another curve ball and I am struggling - agian. *sigh*
You see, I started slacking in my journalling. I forgot...how dark it is down here, so I didn't commit to it the way I should have. It's almost as if I had forgotten TMI and the whole time I suffered immensly from it. As if I didn'T want to remember. And I am sorry for that.
So, what's new?
I got hit by a car last year. I lost some front teeth and had a sprained neck and jaw. Back pain. Everything. Headaches, sleeping problems. Oh, that insomnia was killing me.
I got better in time. Now, what bothers me is TMJ (temporomandibular joint problems)/CMD(cranio muscular dysfunction). I can't get rid of it. My doctor says it's to be expected, after such a traumatic event to the jaw. It wasn't broken, though. I am getting physical therapy to help, but it's becoming unbearable!
I am in University now, and it's messing up my studies. I cannot sleep, I wake in extreme pain in my jaw joint, my muscles and my teeth. My ears hurt, even, after waking up - from the strain because my jaw muscles are tense all throughout the night. I am afraid of hurting my teeth too much, so that they will break. Since the accident, I hardly ever sleep peacefully. I have a splint/bruxism guard and use it every night.
Now I am thinking - yes, it's a device that makes me think about it daily. But, I am not sure I can do without. My teeth, as they were broken, have lost their natural occlusion. The splint imitates a rather natural occlusion and give me relief.
And it workes okay, for some time.
Right now, I am during my exams, and I cannot bear the pain anymore. I can't continue like this. I feel like I am slipping again... and I don't want to fall as deep down as I did last time. Not when I know myself better. I know that I have demons within me, and I know that they are constantly pressing me down.
I think there are some factors, big stressors, in my life right now. What do you think contributes the most?
-Med school (yes! I want to go into the psychosomatic field...I want to help people recognize that the mind is inextricably bound to the body, and health problems require a POV that encompasses the whole body and lifestyle) - I am afraid that with my not-so-stress-resilient personality, I will fail out and not be able to pursue my dream career. The tests I've had, I've passed. So I know it's not academically, but emotionally, that I could fail. I do have perfectionist tendencies: I graduated valedictorian last year so I could get into med school. And now I am so afraid of failing out because I have no Plan B. I don't know what other career would make me happy. And I fear that I am just not tough enough for medicine.
I am sure I could be a good doctor. I lived through some pretty dark patches myself. I know what it's like to wake up completely disoriented in a hospital, not remembering how you got there. I know chronic pain. I know anxiety. I thought... I thought I could use those experiences to help other people.
-Since the last time I wrote on here, I have been living a more "normal" life. I thought myself worthy of loving, which, I realized, I hadn't before my RSI. The "problem" with this one is quite tricky. And I see where the problem is while I am writing these lines. I am embarrassed to admit it even out here, on a random internet forum: I'm gay.
And my family doesn't know. I think, they won't accept it. My mother's a huge churchgoer, my father regurlarly badmouthes "that folk". I am debating whther coming out would exacerbate or improve the situation.
I moved out and away from home for med school. So this is another stressor. The good point is that I am going out, meeting people and girls. I feel like I can live that part of myself here, in the new city.
On the other hand, it's a stressful event in and of itself. Living alone, means there's no one to talk to when you're feeling down. You have to buy groceries, clean etc. all on your own. You don't know your habitat as well as the city you grew up in and spent your whole life in. It has up-and downsides. But I feel stressed out sometimes.
My friends all stayed behind. I am slowly making new aquantainces/friends here, but it's, of course, not the same.
And now my jaw is acting out like never before - minus directly after the accident. But back then, I was on pain meds so... I refuse to take pain meds right now. I don't know what else to do. I struggle to find relief because most of the grinding and clenching happens at night. I feel like I have no control whatsoever over it. And I can't "face my demons" and throw myself into the activity...because I am not aware of when it happens! It's like my mind and body decide to let it all out when I am asleep. Makes it much harder to actively arm myself for battle. I can't fight a ghost that only appears at night...
I recognize TMS: I am afraid of going to bed because I know I am going to do bruxism/teeth grinding and will wake up in extreme pain. I wake up throughout the night, as well, in pain. I feel so sore and tired after waking up. I haven't gotten a good night's rest in about two weeks. I feel adrenaline shooting up in my body when I am lying in bed, trying to sleep. Thoughts plop into my head "it'll be terrible tomorrow" or "how are you going to function properly if you can't sleep?" or "you'll fail out. and then, you have nothing" or "you are going to do some serious damage to yourself tonight" ...
That, in my humble opinion drawn from prior experiences, is TMS. That's why I am back, today, after having had a terrible night.
Has anyone had this? Or heard of people who could overcome this through approaching it psychologically? I am much more open to the idea, but, seeing as there was an accident at the beginning, - you know, the doubts.... (Though: It's no random happening that it's terrible RIGHT now, at exam time, is it?...)
I apologize for the length of this entry (Oh! The irony! If you read through my previous posts, they were all so short, simple, in lower case (!) and fumbly.)
I didn't write longer, back then, because my wrist flared up otherwise. How far I've come! And, how far I still have to go... |
Edited by - lindaleyner on 01/25/2015 07:39:06 |
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njoy
Canada
188 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2015 : 01:05:19
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Hi, I don't kow if what I have to say will be helpful but here goes: you sound to me like you are driven to distraction by superego. As tms-ers often are. We try so hard to be "goodists" as Dr.Sarno puts it that we pay no mind to how unreasonable our demands on self really are. If we did this crap to someone else, they'd call a cop! But self-cruelty is not only okay, it's considered admirable.
I've had many of your issues and recovered from most of them. Despite that, as soon as I feel better I return to pushing myself and, sooner or later, new problems crop up. Will I ever learn to chill and stop trying to control the universe and everything in it? I hope so. If not, I'll continue to suffer and someday, lying on my death bed, think, "You mean I could have just enjoyed and been grateful for my life?!?" It's a choice.
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njoy
Canada
188 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2015 : 18:23:43
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A choice that has to be made over and over again, for the rest of our lives!  |
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lindaleyner
Germany
46 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2015 : 17:57:35
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It's hard.
I slipped. I was vigilant after my RSI, but then, I got too comfortable. I forgot what it was like to hurt like this. To be this desperate.
It seems like it was a dream - overcoming RSI. How did I do it back then? Why isn't it working now? |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2015 : 09:09:22
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| Are there any changes going on in your life that might be affecting you on a level deeper than you realize? |
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lindaleyner
Germany
46 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2015 : 15:03:20
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I started med school 5 months ago.
I moved out from home - but I thought that'd be a good thing? To get away from my over-controlling mother?
Many people have that, and many don't even bat an eye. Yet, here I am... |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 02/25/2015 : 11:57:05
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You need to fully appreciate the pressure put on the "child inside you" by the choices you are making. Even if the change is ultimately good for your life, it can cause emotional turmoil you may not be experiencing.
On the surface, you may feel optimistic, energetic, ready to take on life's challenges.
Below the surface, the "child" is in a rage. "She" doesn't want to face the major life changes of living on your own and the hard work of medical school. "She" wants to take the easy road and be taken care of.
These changes may in fact be very good for you, but you must accept the psychological pressure it introduces and how that ultimately manifests as physical symptoms. |
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Rile84
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2015 : 01:33:30
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quote:
Originally posted by lindaleyner
How far I've come! And, how far I still have to go...
Life continues, so you have to keep what makes you stronger and live life. |
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Sarah Jacoba
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2015 : 01:20:59
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TMJ was my first serious TMS issue as an adult, plagued me right through my marriage week and honeymoon (awful). I believed it to be physical in origin for a long time, until my TMJ doctor's explanations began not to add up (he confided that it was the muscles that really were the problem not the fragile jaw joint he originally depicted to me). honestly one of the best therapies was chewing gum, since it's such a stupid thing to do if you had a real jaw problem. but it both proved to me the resiliency of my jaw joint AND distracted me from the pain. I'd chew gum like a madman every waking moment some days.
--Sarah Hyacinth Jacoba
"When dream and day unite" |
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I am back... TMJ/CMD as TMS?
