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 My mum's "Death-i-versary"
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Wavy Soul

USA
779 Posts

Posted - 09/20/2014 :  21:23:04  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I've been lurking here today and posting a few superficial things but…

Here is what is really happening. I've been having a resurgence of my very painful and debilitating symptoms - fatigue such that I can barely function, and need to sleep most of the day, and pain in my whole body, including one thumb that isn't working. I know from having had it for years, and it having gone away completely, that it's TMS.

But I haven't been able to figure it out or get through it for the last few weeks. I haven't had any awareness of any particular stress. Yet I've been suspicious of the fact that tomorrow is my mum's DEATH-I-VERSARY. And when she died a year ago I became a total orphan - yet that was nothing if not a relief. My family was an extremely painful experience which is why I'm an ex-pat.

A year ago tomorrow, I was picking up my suitcase in San Francisco to get on a plane to see my mum in London. She was expected to live a few more days. I came back to this very computer to check my email and shut it down - I actually had my bag over my shoulder - and there was an email with the subject line "Your mum just passed," from her Phillipina caretaker.

I was so shocked. I went to UK and dealt with a very difficult situation with her body, the funeral, and clearing out her house, which was a nightmare. I am the only living survivor in my family.

Now I'm more clear that my extreme symptoms are TMS, because they have become 5 times worse today, the day before the Death-i-versary. I've been reminding myself about - duh! - the whole thing of repression of unconscious rage and the confusion of suppression. I just reread the first chapter of Gabor Mate's book "When The Body Says No."

I googled "anniversary of death of loved one" and there are many articles about people getting sick, or depressed. What about "anniversary of death of loved/hated one?"

I'm glad that I have this knowledge of how the body can do this stuff, even when I have no real connection to any emotional problem. Actually, if you had asked me, I have been joyful, enjoying my work, my peaceful life, and so on. But this painbody TMS gremlin was brewing under the surface, checking its little gremlin calendar…

So I'm hoping that after the death-i-versary, which I am now prepared to do plenty of process around, things will chill out. Okay brain? Dammit?

Love is the answer, whatever the question

miehnesor

USA
430 Posts

Posted - 09/20/2014 :  22:17:01  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Wavy- sounds like a good opportunity to feel wrt mom. Validate the little girls anger
and give her permission to express it. Death is the ultimate abandonment and is
bound to be a mega trigger.
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tennis tom

USA
4738 Posts

Posted - 09/20/2014 :  22:54:42  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Well written Katie, my condolences, you've experienced a very interesting subconscious phenomenon. Not too many people on the planet would be able to relate the physical symptoms emanating from the subconscious. We're lucky to have TMS to help us process the pain aren't we--aren't we?
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Wavy Soul

USA
779 Posts

Posted - 09/21/2014 :  00:55:21  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Yeah, Tom. The whole damn thing is a very interesting subconscious phenomenon. Bluddy marvellous, actually. Miraculous, in fact. How does it DO that?

I mean, if it can do that, it can also heal itself. Dammit!

Love is the answer, whatever the question
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tennis tom

USA
4738 Posts

Posted - 09/21/2014 :  08:29:06  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Yes Katie, the mysteries of life as Jeanette & Nelson sang about in the frigid North--or was it in the humid South? I think I owe you a hit-up, maybe we can meet-up for some TMS chat-up sometime soon (-er then later), it's been awhile. That new Peet's at the Cove is pretty nice, I'll buy the tea and scones. I'm not sure if one's allowed to sit there without an open lap-top. I just got a new Dell 17"er that should provide some cover.

Cheers,
tt

Edited by - tennis tom on 09/21/2014 09:28:24
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