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MagicHands
USA
12 Posts |
 Posted - 06/13/2014 : 17:53:22
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Description:
It's a very deer-in-headlights, mind-focused, un-present state. I think alot of people have brief visits there, but I spend most of my life in it.
Imagine the feeling in your head/ears when ascending in a plane... Except focused on your jaw and neck. And you can't do anything to "pop" it out.
You can also capture the sensation by tucking your chin down and making the biggest frown ever.
Or by feeling intensely angry at someone and holding it back.
Fun, right?
I wake up each morning locked into an overwhelmed or near-overwhelmed state. My head is like a sink full of dishes, even when not doing something directly stressful. It's worst in the morning, and eases off somewhat in the night, when I usually get the most done.
On my worst mornings I'm in a mild panic. I take lavender pills to remove the edge, or half a tab of Klonapin. They usually help.
I also have near constant mild pain/aching in my hands, which I think has something to do with all the stuff happening in the upper area. My throat gets tense too. In fact, a voice doctor said I had swelling of the vocal folds called "muscle tension dysphonia" (flashing lights: TMS!!)
Sometimes, unpredictably, I'll be calm. And it's wonderful. And I realize, I'm almost never chill, almost never calm. Which is a shame. I like myself much better calm.
Thing is, I'm not really a high strung person underneath it all. People that talk to me never think I'm tense. But I'm holding back a tsunami.
Getting easily overwhelmed makes me want to avoid social contact, things that require patience, and going too deeply into projects, since they threaten my sense of control.
It's hard to immerse myself in things the way I used to and not come out panting heavily, heart throbbing.
Life situation:
Living with my parents while starting a freelance business. I like the variety but not the constant change it demands. Yet, I don't deal well with 9-5 structure and certainly don't want to enter back into it before I have a choice. I'm eager to make this work and do whatever I have to do.
I believe I'm on the right track for the first time in my life. But it doesn't do much for the stress.
Personality:
Perfectionist. Control freak. Overthinker. Hard on myself. Both highly creative and analytical. Can approach things from alot of angles, make simple things complex, and make complex things simpler (as I'm doing now)
I'm discovering in my late 20s that I'm more sensitive and emotional than I thought. In the past I rarely ever cried, but I've been crying more in small bursts, and I think I would have cried more if I wasn't afraid it would make me a girl. While I'm not a fan of bleeding all over the place, I see it as a necessary release, and if I need to, I'm not doing myself any favors by holding it in.
Has anyone been through this? What worked? How did you break the cycle?
Thanks a mil'
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Edited by - MagicHands on 06/13/2014 18:09:32 |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2014 : 19:23:49
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Hi Magic,
Wow, I see myself in your post. In 37 now, but also left the 9-5 thing to follow my own dreams. My pain has returned of late and I'm working through the things I need to. Take a look at what your vision of the future is. I had no pain until I started stressing about things.....I have a massive amount on.
If you see threats and are constantly focusing on them it's going to cause anxiety and lots of childish repressed anger. Anxiety/Anger are very connected from what I read.
As much as I like the fact that I'm going after my dreams there is the childish part of me that hates all the hard work and sacrifice.
Do some free, speed writing.....you'll be surprised what comes up. It's funny cause I have stiff neck atm....I've never had that before
I big thing for me is being frustrated with the pace of things.....I want to be "over there" which causes frustration and anxiety. How much do you want to control the future.....if you're like most humans you need the security of being able to control the future.......and you can't. When you put max effort into something and don't get the results you want this leads to anger......and of course you can't throw a tantrum because you would look like an anus.
Where is your focus?....on the negative threats? On the lack? Are you resisting your current situation?
YOu have to believe that things will work out ok in the end and you must understand that no matter how hard you try you cannot control the future........
For people like us, jumping out onto our own, TMS can quickly show up again as this is a new situation. When you are out of your comfort zone it's normal to default into your old negative ways..........you become focus on survival and you live in the fight or flight zone. You must change the way you operate. You are likely dealing with Anger/Anxiety/Fear and some Shame.....plus if your confidence is a bit low, then OH BOY you're just a TMS bomb waiting to go off. That's what happened to me.....I dropped my guard and whack......and my mind is fighting to confuse me so the pain stays.
It's not one thing for me, and it might not be for you either.
Anyway start there and see how you go.
D
P.S. Having to move in with my oldies while I start a business would have me ripping my hair out........and if business was slow I would probably just go complete bonkers. The perfectionist side of you will want things to be "right" and that will simply be the death of you when you're starting out. Aim to get operational, then come back or employ someone to improve everything when you're up and running.
One other thing - if you're a constantly stressed you might like to consider taking some magnesium. It's nature's relaxer and lowers the cortisol levels in the body. People will say that you must not take anything....I think that's BS. Mg is great for day to day stress.....but it's not going to help the pain, if you understand that you'll be fine
D |
Edited by - Darko on 06/13/2014 19:47:10 |
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2014 : 08:16:19
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MagicHands, I totally get what you're saying, where you're living.
I seem to get a little better from it; then sometimes a little worse. Kind of in a "flare-up" myself this past week.
Not sure I can help, but some things that have worked for me:
Realizing I can't control it, and I definitely CANNOT *THINK* myself out of these very hyperaroused states.
Sometimes (restorative) yoga helps, as does qigong/ tai chi (ie approaching it from the body side and NOT the thinking / mind / affirmations side.)
Sometimes TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) have been helpful.
Sometimes, just trying to get on w/ my day as best I can helps.
Sometimes, just "trying to take all the pressure off myself" has helped.
Sometimes, reviewing or jounaling about all the things I'm not happy about, has helped.
Sometimes, being in nature or gardening, or cooking /baking has helped... things I find soothing.
Sometimes reading through my collection of inspirational sayings has been helpful.
I too, treasure those moments when I am sometimes, unpredictably, as you say, *calm.*
If you are actually holding back a tsunami, as you say, then it would be hard not to have TMS I think. Any place you can let the tsunami express itself freely?
RSR
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MagicHands
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2014 : 09:46:50
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Thanks!
quote:
As much as I like the fact that I'm going after my dreams there is the childish part of me that hates all the hard work and sacrifice.
Yeah it's no picnic. Fortunately I have a mentor which takes some of the overthinking off the plate. But even though I intellectually know it doesn't just happen, I still feel entitled to it. The longer I spend in the inbetween phase, the more I have to question my competence.
quote:
Do some free, speed writing.....you'll be surprised what comes up. It's funny cause I have stiff neck atm....I've never had that before
I'll try that, though I feel like I've mined the hell out of the same things. Afraid I'm missing some kind of big picture (****ing up) Afraid I don't have what it takes. Angry I have to grovel for work, etc. But I suppose it isn't so much about a big revelation as the cathartic effect of the activity itself.
quote:
When you put max effort into something and don't get the results you want this leads to anger......and of course you can't throw a tantrum because you would look like an anus.
And it happens over and over again. To market yourself on the internet with having a reputation means CONSTANT change, near constant disappointment. Most things besides referrals don't work in any reliable way.
quote:
Where is your focus?....on the negative threats? On the lack? Are you resisting your current situation?
YOu have to believe that things will work out ok in the end and you must understand that no matter how hard you try you cannot control the future........
I don't actively resist anything, honestly. I try to stay goal focused and oriented. I either start too overwhelmed to work, or as I try to work, the overwhelmed feeling tightens around my neck and head, until trying to think literally "shocks" my brain.
quote:
plus if your confidence is a bit low, then OH BOY you're just a TMS bomb waiting to go off. That's what happened to me.....I dropped my guard and whack......and my mind is fighting to confuse me so the pain stays.
It's not one thing for me, and it might not be for you either.
Yeah. I'm much more competent than I am confident. No matter how good I know I am, and others say it too, I can't bring myself to believe it fully. I feel like a phony every day, and having to chase after work seems to reinforce that. Only a phony would have to stoop to that, right? That's the thought between the lines.
quote:
P.S. Having to move in with my oldies while I start a business would have me ripping my hair out........and if business was slow I would probably just go complete bonkers. The perfectionist side of you will want things to be "right" and that will simply be the death of you when you're starting out. Aim to get operational, then come back or employ someone to improve everything when you're up and running.
The home thing isn't all bad. It's just mom now since dad is away, and she's chill and cooks alot. But there is of course a stigma.
quote:
One other thing - if you're a constantly stressed you might like to consider taking some magnesium. It's nature's relaxer and lowers the cortisol levels in the body. People will say that you must not take anything....I think that's BS. Mg is great for day to day stress.....but it's not going to help the pain, if you understand that you'll be fine
hm, might wanna try that.
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MagicHands
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2014 : 09:54:52
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quote:
[i]Originally posted by RageSootheRatio
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Realizing I can't control it, and I definitely CANNOT *THINK* myself out of these very hyperaroused states.
Yeah, if only. But it's like trying to wash off mud by slinging more mud.
quote:
Sometimes (restorative) yoga helps, as does qigong/ tai chi (ie approaching it from the body side and NOT the thinking / mind / affirmations side.)
Haven't tried yoga in a while. Maybe I should.
Looks like there isn't a "go to" thing for anybody. You just pull a bunch of switches or wait it out.
quote:
If you are actually holding back a tsunami, as you say, then it would be hard not to have TMS I think. Any place you can let the tsunami express itself freely?
Uh... Sex, intense work, occasionally music. That's about it right now. I barely socialize at all. I have a sibling I can vent to when necessary.
Thanks!
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2014 : 11:17:23
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quote:
Originally posted by MagicHands
I believe I'm on the right track for the first time in my life. But it doesn't do much for the stress.
This one sentence in your message is what grabbed my attention.
What you believe on a conscious level about your life situation is irrelevant. It is about what the child inside you feels about it that generates the symptoms.
You are putting tremendous pressure on yourself by taking this bold path at such a young age. While on the outside you may feel confident in your success, on the inside you may be a wreck. Try to confront the irrational, negative feelings that stem from low self-esteem that is contradictory to the façade you put on to convince yourself and others that you are "on the right track." Accept them willingly as a part of you. Try to feel them as best as you can. |
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MatthewNJ
USA
691 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2014 : 19:51:18
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Magic,
I suggest reading the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Then start practicing. Practice make better. Personally I think you are very lucky to have figured this out in your late 20's. I was 43 and have been on this path for 11 years. I will never turn back or stop practicing. It's nice not to have sciatica anymore. You might consider coming to this text/chat tomorrow tmswiki.org/chat. 3:00 PM ET
Matthew
Less activated, more regulated and more resilient.
Ferretsx3@comcast.net
Organizer of TMSwiki.org/chat
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INTENSE head/neck tension- Please help
