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Rudin
2 Posts |
 Posted - 02/07/2014 : 14:53:14
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I'm writing here looking for advice, because I don't know where else to turn. Before I get into my story, here's a rundown of my history with TMS:
History
If I remember correctly, I first experienced TMS related pain during the tail end of my senior year of high school. It started as a dull throbbing that wouldn't go away in my lower back on the right hand side. At first I thought it was just an annoyance that would go away, but to my chagrin it didn't.
At that time I was involved in a relationship with a girl whose dad was dying of cancer. The problem was, I didn't love her, and wanted out of the relationship. She was, understandably enough, going a bit out of her mind due to the overwhelming stress she was under. This caused a co-dependent cycle where she would lash out at me/cheat on me, but then break down in tears if I tried to break up with her -- telling me I was all she had in the world now that her dad was dying (her mom lived out of state). Knowing what I know now, I'd get out of the relationship in a heartbeat once it got to that co-dependent stage, but at the time I didn't know how to handle it and stayed in.
And my back pain continued to get progressively worse.
Like so many, I turned to traditional medicine first. I went to the doctor and was told I had a herniated disc (I don't remember which, but I'm sure it was the one that herniates in most people by 20) and was told I would have to live with pain the rest of my life.
The denouement of this tale came that July when, on the eve of a day where I was set to meet her father for the first time (he hadn't wanted to meet me in the preceding 10 months I'd dated his daughter for whatever reason) I suffered a severe back spasm that I would classify as the classic 10 out 10. I got a cortisone shot that afternoon and the spasms subsided, but I was still severely debilitated. For weeks I couldn't walk correctly and was using a cane to get around. At 18 years old this was quite consternating/worrying.
Then I found Dr. Sarno's "Healing Back Pain" and almost immediately accepted the diagnosis. I realized how I was using the TMS as a means to sublimate my anger at my girlfriend, and at myself for allowing myself to be in the situation in the first place.
I also noticed that before I would get out of bed in the morning, the first thing I would think about would be the pain, which would invariably follow when my foot hit the floor. This had me thinking that since the thought was precedent to the feeling, the pain must be determined by my mind. I got very angry that morning and said I didn't want to live the life of a cripple.
Just like that I was instantly cured of TMS and completely pain free.
I didn't have any recurrence of back pain for 15 years after that. This includes multiple falls onto my back (including a fall directly onto the edge of some stairs) and years spent weight training and running.
I would sometimes look at my copy of "Mind Over Back Pain" and think about selling it -- after all, someone else could use it I thought -- but for some reason never did.
Now I'm glad I didn't.
Relapse
Last July I went to the gym one morning and did a variation of the "eight minute abs" routine where I used weights for eight minutes rather than doing body weight exercises as the routine calls for (including a 90 second series of side to side oblique bends holding 50 pound dumbells). I followed this up with a particularly heavy leg workout. I felt a little unusual shoulder pain afterward, but it didn't seem like anything severe.
Then the next day I was working on a writing project at home and, suddenly, when I got up from my chair my back was totally stiff. It was as though I had turned into a 90 year old man in just a few seconds.
I was terrified, but tried to reassure myself it was nothing to worry about and that I could think it all away.
The problem was, I couldn't. I went to the gym that night, so as to not give in to the pain. The next morning I could barely walk and my range of motion was severely limited. Actually pain is a misnomer here, as I wasn't in great pain so much as completely stiff and unable to move normally.
Like a fool, I went to WebMD and other such sites online and saw stories about people injuring their backs permanently with workout injuries such as mine. Panic stricken, I turned back to "Mind Over Back Pain" but didn't find it as convincing as I had fifteen years prior. I read the whole thing, but in my more skeptical 33 year old mind I had doubts Dr. Sarno was 100% correct in his diagnosis.
What made this episode even more stressful was that I had an impending trip to Japan coming. The thought of spending 12+ hours cramped up in a coach seat with my back in the shape it was made me truly frightened. I didn't want to spend my entire three week stay in Japan with crippling back pain, especially after I had worked and saved so much to make it happen.
On the day of the trip I got a ride to the airport from my brother, and although I had experienced some alleviation of symptoms by then, I was still stiff as a septuagenarian when getting out of the car (the car is a trigger for me for whatever reason).
The flight ended up being undersold, and I was able to move to an emergency exit row seat free of charge. I spread my feet out and, as I usually do on the trip to Japan, went into a semi-meditative state listening to my iphone. During that time I began to focus on my back pain and repeat that it was just TMS.
Then a funny thing happened: I got up to use the bathroom and the stiffness in my back was totally gone! I felt completely normal for the duration of my trip, and was confident I had once again conquered TMS.
But when I got back to the States, I was in for a rude surprise. I sank into a deep depression upon coming back home, as I always do. Along with the sense of despair, my TMS began coming back.
It took the form of a mild stiffness, that had me thinking perhaps my problem was a structural problem all along, and that I really had injured myself at the gym that day.
Thus began a pattern where I would half ass believe in the TMS diagnosis, but still watch what I did at the gym so as to not injure myself.
The obvious conflict I had was this: if Dr. Sarno advises to resume all physical activity, how could I abstain from exercises like barbell rows and decline situps? however, if there was something structurally wrong with me wouldn't those exercises exacerbate the problem? It felt like a real Catch 22.
Anyway, I didn't have any severe pain for months, but only had some occasional stiffness. Around Thanksgiving I started developing a tense muscle-like sensation in my lower back on the right hand side -- the exact same way my TMS initially manifested itself when I was a teenager. Minutes before it started, I did a set of dumbbell rows and, before starting the set, worried about whether or not I'd hurt myself.
This pain annoyed me for around a month before I was finally able to make it go away by deciding to ignore it, since it was just TMS and essentially harmless.
However, around this time my mom happened to have a case of low back pain and went to a chiropractor. When she told me how much better it made her feel, I began to think maybe there was something to chiropractic treatments after all. Could it be my pain wasn't caused by TMS?
I think you can see where this is going: with those thoughts I began to experience TMS symptoms again. This time around it was an occasional ache in the side of my lower back on both sides.
I know this is getting far too long, but what brought me here to this message board looking for help was the following incident:
Last week I got a severe cold that I'm still suffering from. This wasn't a stuffy nose type of cold, but one that sent me into violent, body-shaking coughing fits. I was sitting with my legs crossed coughing on Sunday afternoon and had the thought, "I shouldn't be sitting like this while coughing (based on having read in my mom's chiropractic literature that one shouldn't cross one's legs) and what do you know, I began to experience pain in my lower back with each cough.
Then when I got up from the chair my back was once again stiff like it had been in the summer. I sat on the couch later that night with one leg under me -- and felt fine the entire time -- but when I got up was in pretty bad pain and it took me a good twenty seconds to straighten my back and start walking.
This sent me back to "Mind Over Back Pain" yet again. However, this time around it made more sense to me and I wasn't as skeptical of the diagnosis as I had been last july. I saw myself in the typical TMS personality type Dr. Sarno describes (minus the success).
What's more, I also have a history of OCD, which I overcame when I was 15. I'm almost certain I was using it as a means to deal with stress from my parents' divorce that year.
To make a long story short, I read "Mind Over Back Pain" again earlier this week and felt I was cured on Wednesday night. I felt no pain whatsoever when I went to bed, had a full range of motion, and was able to ditch the ridiculous leg pillow I'd resorted to in order to minimize the pain from my hour-plus coughing jags.
However, I woke up with some stiffness yesterday, which eventually culminated in a conditioned response where I would be stiff upon rising whenever I had sat down for a prolonged period of time. Then this morning I drove for the first time since the TMS attack on Sunday, and sure enough, I was stiff as an old man after getting out of the car (despite feeling no pain in the car).
So the question I have is: how do I think psychological and ignore the pain when I'm walking like a 90 year old man every time I get in the car? I know the TMS is making this happen so I dread driving and spend an inordinate amount of time preoccupied with the idea of it, but how do I just ignore the frustration I feel when I can't force myself to walk like the healthy 34 year old I truly am?
What I'm Really Dealing With
I include this reluctantly, as it's so embarrassing, but here is what I believe the TMS is trying to divert me from dealing with:
Like many TMS sufferers I have low-self esteem, but unlike the typical TMS-case, I'm not a high achiever. In fact, I'm more like the Platonic form of what society deems a loser: I'm 34 years old, underemployed, and live with my mother.
What's even worse than that, I feel utterly powerless to change my life. Whenever I work a full time job I get overwhelmed with a feeling of depression because life starts to feel like a dead-end. I'm also a huge non-conformist and have been since kindergarten, so fitting in with the group and attempting to please a supervisor I don't respect is also a huge psychological burden on me.
I've done much better in freelance type situations, but so far I haven't been able to make a living doing so. Which is why I'm living at home.
However, this past summer I was dating a very success minded electrical engineer who was pressuring me to attempt to get into her field and settle down and have kids. How she thought a 34 year old who barely remembers algebra could become an engineer is beyond me, but that job would be akin to a living death for someone who is as antipathetic towards math and problem solving as I am.
I really believe that stress from dating this girl played a big part in my summer of 2013 TMS outbreak. She didn't approve of me spending $3000 to go to Japan and tour with my band.
The main reason I haven't decided on a career as of yet is that I want to live in Tokyo more than in the US, but last time I lived there I had a very awful experience at my job, and don't want to live there if it means working as a fake English teacher at a conversation based school.
For the past year and a half I've been trying to break into journalism, seeing how I enjoy writing, and in theory it's a job I can do from anywhere in the world. However, that seems to be a low-paying dead end.
I've thought about becoming a child psychologist of all things because I did really well with kids when I worked as a substitute teacher/teacher's aide here in the US for awhile. Although I have no passion for teaching itself, I enjoy helping kids work through their problems and helping them feel good about themselves.
My other idea is to become a college professor with a focus on Japanese studies, but tales of starving adjunct professors have me scared of accumulating more student debt to go down that road.
I have another Japan trip planned for this summer and next month I'll begin working a short term full time job to pay for it. I don't relish the idea of sitting all day at a desk with TMS back pain, so I want to be rid of this before then if I can.
My plan is to decide whether or not I'm willing to sacrifice the type of work I think I could do best in order to teach in Japan (I have a quarter of a Masters in Education done, but I'm hesitant to pay for the rest since I don't enjoy teaching) or if I would rather pick a job I was more satisfied in and live in the US.
I include these embarrassing personal details because I think this central problem of my life, knowing I'm a total loser but being unable to decide how to change it, is what is causing my TMS.
Thanks in advance for any help. Please share any strategies you have for overcoming TMS. I should also mention that I'm an extremely obsessive type who plays the same thoughts over and over again in my mind like a broken record, which I would like to be able to use to my advantage. |
Edited by - Rudin on 02/07/2014 15:11:30 |
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Rudin
2 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2014 : 15:25:37
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I should also note that during a period the TMS was gone in my back this past September/October, I began to experience a severe pain in my left arch, which I attributed to perhaps doing too much running. I later learned about how TMS moves around, and when I realized what it was, the pain went away. Now when I notice it coming back I'll tell myself it's just TMS and it's instantly gone.
How do I repeat this process with my back?
It's so frustrating when I tell myself the pain is just TMS, but yet it doesn't go away. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2014 : 20:38:06
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Rudin,
I don't post very often these days, busy, but I float by every now and then, but I couldn't resist your post......I have to admit only read the last part after "what I'm dealing with"
I can relate to you in many ways, perhaps why I'm replying to you……buckle in as my style is direct :-)
First thing you need to do is read over the last part of your post 20 times until you get how much you are letting your pathetic, very negative scumbag voice in your head control your life. Stand in front of a mirror, raise your right hand far but level with your face and swear to yourself that you will do whatever it takes to create the life you want. I mean really promise it….be ready to die for it.....then slap yourself really really hard......several times......and it should hurt……post link to youtube video here
The personality is divided into a number of sub-personalities. I will talk about 2. The WUSS and the WARRIOR. Lets talk about the wuss……he’s scared, weak, self loathing, doubtful, uncertain, submissive, depressive, lacks direction, negative and all round pathetic. Woman are repulsed by the wuss as the wuss is very needy and seeks the approval of those around him…..especially girls and parents (am I right ladies?)
Then there’s the warrior….ah the warrior. He’s confident, secure, happy, acts in spite of fear, knows what he wants and doesn’t care if it’s the right thing, focused. He’s all action, and pain is his middle name. Basically like Arnie. Chicks dig him because he doesn’t need approval and marches to the beat of his own drum.
You sound like a smart guy……which personality type is going to create more tension pain in the body do you think?
Which personality are you? I’ll give you a hint….BOTH, but the warrior is suppressed because you are “waiting” for clear direction! Choose your direction, stop waiting for it to be given to you…..and if it’s wrong then you can always change. ( you’ve probably been given the direction but you’re too scared to act )
Think back to a time when the warrior came out, how did you feel? Nurture the warrior and forget the wuss or your life will suck…..period!
There are no shortcuts!
There is no magic bullet!
There is no easy way!
There is no advice that will make it better!
What I can promise you is that it will be hard, there will be pain, there will be mistakes, there will be times when you would rather be dead, but that is life my friend and you should learn to love it….even the ugly bits cause you get one and only one shot at this…….learn to listen because the world around you is trying to push you where you need to go. Don't get angry, just accept it.....whatever it is. Be like water, water doesn't react, it just responds by finding a way
You can either live life on your knees like a wuss and you can stand up and fight for what you want….believe in yourself and stop the negativity. The negativity is the source of your suffering. Be ok with your situation…..I mean truly be ok with it, and just decide to go “over there”, whatever that is for you. ( if you’re ready for a truly high level conversation then we get into who you have to be to attract what you want……..but that’s still a work in progress for me )
When your “VISION OF THE FUTURE” is positive and something you look forward to then all that negativity will pass.
If you want to eat an apple, you don’t obsess over it….you just eat it, then get something else if you want…..you don’t obsess over what will happen if you eat the apple.
Do the same thing with your life…..just choose and then choose again if you don’t like your choice. There is no right or wrong…only what you need at that particular time, and it’ll either be pleasant or not.
The MOST important thing you need to do is be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who you are, what you’re doing and love yourself dude……because you are all you’ve got.
Forget about the pain…..the pain is telling you something is seriously wrong……read the last part of your post and you’ll see exactly what is wrong…..don’t listen to the garbage in your head! Choose your thoughts
CHOOSE………YOUR…….THOUGHTS!!!!
You think you have it hard?
Let me just tell you what I have going on in my life
• I haven't worked for a year and a half as I have been building a website business and I have had to work long hours on all the content….to the point of burn out. Thanks to the work of Tony Schwartz I am back on track
• My girlfriend opened a salon…….so I had to spend 10/11 weeks working on that
• My website developer was a complete looser and took forever to get it going…..I had to sack him and in the end get it redone
• I have had very little income during this time, as my site isn't going yet….still
• I have started doing a property development with my brother in law...no I'm not married yet but will me soon. Which is costing more than I had hoped….I wont have the money to finish it….lucky I can borrow some.
• I have to buy a ring…...more expense
• I have to get married…….even more expense
• The tax office is claiming I owe them 30 grand….yet more expense
• Oh and my girlfriend in now pregnant…...yet even more expense
• Did I mention I’m not earning money right now?
• My career is going down the tube because I’m not working
• There is a chance I might not make any money out of anything I’m doing
I spent too long trying to sort myself out….and now I feel like I’m in the pressure cooker. I still haven’t sorted myself out…..I don’t think you ever do…..you just stop listening to the BS.
Am I doing the right thing? I HAVE NO FREAKIN IDEA….but at least I’m living my life. Sometimes it’s really hard and I need to stay focused…..but I wouldn't go back. I feel alive, and I don’t feel depressed every Monday morning.
I get tense sometimes……..that’s just my personality. I’ve been in massive pain when I only had a 10th of all this going on…….so the pain isn’t related to the outside world…..it’s related to how I see things…..it’s either a threat or not. Trust the universe and do something…anything
It’s a pretty out there post even by my standard……but you asked, and based on some of the conversations I’ve seen around here the recent year or so I think most people will get it.
That's all I have to say
Good luck
D
PS....don't complain....either in your head or out of your mouth. Complaining is focusing on the negative
PPS....you are being a negative wuss and hating on yourself, his is causing you pain. Fix the first part and the pain will go.
That's really it now.
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Edited by - Darko on 02/07/2014 20:52:41 |
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dizwip
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2014 : 11:44:48
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Oh do I identify. Both posts, Rudin and Darko respectively, really resonated with me. Experientially, I've been on both sides of this equation- overwhelmed with six figures sunk into a business that was a round the clock endeavor and generating zero income as well as roiling in indecision well into adulthood. I've been not just underemployed but unemployed for years at a stretch and I'm not independently wealthy. I've lived on the scrape and at points, have threatened to do really well financially.
Like you Rudin, I'm the guy who's been tagged as bright and directionless if you don't mind me presuming that you're one of those.
I've also been anywhere from hindered to paralyzed with TMS related stuff. In my efforts to overcome TMS, I've always found it alienating to not be the prototypical people pleaser nor high achiever. I've exhibited the characteristics of all the signature Type T's but seem to vasillate between types and have chronically underachieved. I can be hyper rebellious e.g. assaulting a police officer charge among other mishaps as well as downright submissive I'm ashamed to say. The expression "I'm either at your feet or in your face," does apply.
You asked for suggestion to help overcome TMS- I think your situation is simultaneously murky yet straight forward. As time has passed, it appears that your inner discontent with your life has manifested into symptoms that are attempting to help you to cope with your life situation or acting as an expression of your discontent depending on which school of thought you subscribe to (i don't think it's necessary to pick camps on this).
I apologize if that sounds insulting. Darko's point was well taken by me. It sounds like you're in that crappy place where your intelligence is being applied to rationalize your discontent. The life situation you presented essentially said "here's why nothing can work." I applaud your candor by the way because those details that you describe as embarrassing are nuggets of healing and managed to get me typing.
I've been where you are and it sucks. To believe you have all this ability and no direct path to apply it can cause anyone to sink into symptoms, whether's its OCD, drugs and alcohol, depression, et. al. I agree that your girlfriend suggesting you become an engineer did stress you out a lot and must have pushed a lot of buttons. In your position, I would want to scream at her because it appears she is rather myopic and not able to consider the possibility that you may be the least bit different than her. It's as if she is making no discernible concessions for the fact that someone may not want to be an engineer and seems to imply that the path to engineer-hood is some sort of Sunday stroll. That said, this is not about her and thus the beauty of the gavel that Darko dropped.
He's telling you to get moving and stop deliberating because no answer is going to come until you do and I believe he's right. Sometimes, we're just biding our time and doing our best to stay in motion until the good thing comes along. Not every career move has the repercussions we think it will. I wish I had gotten off my fat ass when my depression had subsided just enough to allow me to but at the time, I had no clear direction and thought the stakes were greater than they were. The problem was, I hated everything I could think of that seemed to be a prudent choice. I just wanted to find a graveyard shift stocking shelves in peace, get an SRO and call it a day. In a way, I wish I even did that.
To accept your situation for what it is, is essential. For this to happen, it would appear that you would have to look at differently...from wuss to warrior. Even if those sub-selves sound dramatic to you, you would have to lose the "this all sucks," feeling and try to see it as you moving forward in unchartered waters that are, at the very least, neutral. Feeling "utterly powerless to change your life," may cause anyone to seize up in pain. Even if you're not thrilled with your options at this juncture, it does take you out of that state of inert helplessness that can be so toxic.
You understand that the symptoms are TMS and that's the good news. Given your situation and how you see it, how could your body not rebel? How could it sit idly by and not want to jump out of its skin or do something to take your mind off of things? How much internal stress and fear could be generated by the notion that you're in some intractable situation with no end in sight? When I and I believe anyone feels like this, then obsessive tendencies and TMS pain actually began to make sense as a strategy. The alternative would be to feel it's game over and that's hugely threatening. Despite the part of you that almost wants to complain a better scenario into existence, I think you know there's another guy living inside that can accept what's going on and move forward. Of course, this is where faith comes in and trusting the universe and all those ethereal things that can feel inaccessible but gain palpability as we move forward.
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Peregrinus
250 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2014 : 19:17:32
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quote:
Originally posted by dizwip
Given your situation and how you see it, how could your body not rebel? How could it sit idly by and not want to jump out of its skin or do something to take your mind off of things? How much internal stress and fear could be generated by the notion that you're in some intractable situation with no end in sight? When I and I believe anyone feels like this, then obsessive tendencies and TMS pain actually began to make sense as a strategy.
Diswip:
Your post is one of the best I have read here! I admit that I did not read all of Rudin's post: why does anyone care about his cold, etc., nevertheless, your reply was everything that Rudin's wasn't.
I hope to see more posts from you. |
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TMS Back And Won't Leave After 15 Years Pain Free
