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dizzy dave
USA
33 Posts |
 Posted - 03/31/2005 : 06:14:03
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It's been a few weeks since I posted. It's been well over a month now that I haven't been dizzy. And I realized just yesterday how far I had fallen.
“You make me feel horrible for all the stupid little things that I do.” - 4/30/05
I do. I do because I am broken in my thoughts, hidden from the truth. I do because I am man, sharing agendas likened to beasts, yet a vision of truth like from the wings of eagles. I do, because I am not and, lastly, I do because I am.
I lied to my wife yesterday.
My own misguiding and my own perspective tempted me. I have much guilt with little excuse. I cower from the face of reality, yet desire her beautiful form more than anything.
Back in 1992 I was 21 years old. A few friends of mine decided it would be cool to hang out and smoke some marijuana. I was curious and young without a glimpse of reason and I grazed as a sheep unknowing of the slaughter. It hurt me then and I, while licking my wounds, turned away from it for the past 13 years till yesterday. I have been hurting emotionally for the past 33 years of my life, but in the past recent months my life and the stresses of life caused me to forget. I have forgotten what it truly means to be a good husband and father. I have battled with reason and forsaken her. I have chosen to be blinded without thinking of the dire consequences. We all do it in our own ways! It's just that I don't want to anymore!
So, with a couple of guys I took 5 drags, as planned, and stopped. These guys smoke regularly and thought absolutely nothing of it. As for me I was terrified by the way it made me feel as an older adult. I didn't like it. I hated it. I immediately wished I hadn't done it and wanted to turn back the hands of time. Realizing that I couldn't undo my mistake, I called my wife and told her to sit down because I had done something very wrong. That I had betrayed her trust in me and I confessed before her and myself about the various causes that influenced my decision-making. I did a lot of much needed crying. I haven't cried in maybe a year, I don't know. She was, as I knew she would be, betrayed and hurt. I had made up an entire alibi. I had told her that I was staying in the office late with an annoying yet potentially beneficial late evening meeting. I will have to live with this error for the rest of my life. I am willing to live with my mistakes, but I feel very strongly about not repeating them.
I am writing this here on the TMS forum for a few reasons. There is much revelation needed for all of us to overcome our emotional pain. As the good doctor has shown, however, our physical pain can be dealt with by being diligent and responsible with our knowing and understanding its cause. I get a feeling that many of us are hurting badly. Many of us have repressed much anger. Many of us have given up a lot in service to these repressions. I have learned that I have given up more than I would like to admit. I love my wife. I love my daughter. Now it's my turn to know myself so I can love them as I am and not as someone else.
Meditate on knowing, and if you are fortunate you may find new perspectives.
The earlier opening quote is from my wife after hours of talking last night. Many things crossed the table and that was one of them. We have resolved to discuss them and the meaning of why they are. It's the only chance that we have at living a fulfilling life.
Thanks for listening.
Your friend,
Dave
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Edited by - dizzy dave on 03/31/2005 06:19:02 |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2005 : 07:44:10
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Hi Dave.
I can understand the feeling of separation that lying creates in a relationship,as I went through the same process with my own wife...things that seemed 'innocent' to others gave me feelings of guilt and demoralized me beyond comprehension.Mine were generally with Narcotics(Morphine,Cocaine,etc)
I was curious though after reading the post,why you chose to smoke pot in the first place?
I smoked dope every day of my life from age 12-18 and then abrubtly stopped.I had taken so many hallucinogenics(LSD,Pscilocybin,PCP,MDMA) that even a couple hits of pot sent me into a crazed paranoia,and triggered my OCD into the worst sort of attack.
However,if I got the same sort of relaxed state I USED to get from smoking pot, I would list it before alcohol on the safety scale.I sometimes miss the fun way it felt before all that other stuff ruined it for me.
anyways..just wondering why you chose pot ???
Peace
Baseball65 |
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dizzy dave
USA
33 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 07:30:15
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Baseball65,
Why I chose pot?
It never even crossed my mind to do something harder. I am not interested in becoming a slave to some twisted drug addiction. I would much rather walk around town, disheveled, wearing rags and a large wooden sign hanging from around my neck saying, "HELP ME! I AM STUPID!" Or maybe better even, "SHOOT ME. PLEASE SHOOT ME." Or perhaps it could say, "SEX FOR FOOD". I don't know...I think you get me.
Dave |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 09:45:38
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Maybe I'm confused ... is the "big lie" with your wife that you smoked pot and hid it from her? Or is there something more going on.
Not to trivialize your feelings, which are certainly real, but I think you also need to consider not taking things so seriously. You took a couple of hits of pot. Maybe it was not the best decision, and you regretted it. But this does not mean you are a bad husband or bad father. In the grand scheme of things, it's really no big deal. Stop being so hard on yourself. |
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dizzy dave
USA
33 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 12:22:01
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Dave,
You completely missed my point. It's not what I did or even that I lied to my wife. I managed to leave out the fact that I have been increasingly compulsive over the past year and becoming more and more numb to life. I had gotten to the point that I had to straighten all the magnets on the fridge! I had built high shelves in my daughter's room and put ALL OF HER TOYS AND STUFFED ANIMALS UP THERE so she couldn't make a mess. My daughter is 15 months old! I neglected my mind and my morals by acting out the things I did. If pot smoking is your thing, go for it. It's just not for me.
Frankly, I feel as if I have woken up from a bad dream. My life has been a bad dream. From this event, after I had fallen, I confronted my mother for never showing me any love, I have apologized to people I've hurt, I have made amends with long standing enemies and have volunteered to lend an ear for old friends in need of help.
I feel like a new person. The harsh words that I wrote about earlier were how I felt after I confronted myself. Today I am not hard on myself. However, I am tough with myself. I am not letting myself slip back to the dumb brute that I had become. I write this knowing full well that I could defend it to its end with anyone if the medium for doing so was sufficient (these things require discussion, not writing).
I am sure that there are many things in your life that you accept in yourself, but I surmise there certainly are as many things that you would like to change.
Lastly, I say this with absolute confidence! I know, for the first time in my life, that if I can manage this outlook and perspective I will never again be victim to the ugly TMS that has taken over my life. I write this as a TMS victim, who has been dizzy off and on for 20+ years. If I can stay here with my mind, I will be healed for good. I can't explain it, but I know it like I know that it's currently sunny outside. I am very happy about this and am not "down in the dumps", as my wife would put it. I am happy.
Dave
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2005 : 19:42:14
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Dave,
It's good to see your name on the forum again. I was worried about you. Sounds like you are truly trying to straighten out your life, from the inside out. Good for you! I'm really glad to hear your dizziness is still under control. I had a minor setback a couple of days ago but I posted on here and a couple people did put things into perspective for me, which helped tremendously.
I know what you mean about the pot. I remember smoking pot in my teen years and getting pretty messed up a couple of times. Once my brother sold my friends and I a joint that was apparently loaded with THC. I kept wanting it to wear off and it wouldn't. In my 20's, shortly after moving to California, someone offered us some Maui Wowie (that's what they used to call it anyway!). I took a coupld hits and got really high and decided to never do it again. Then, about two or three years later I started using Cocaine quite a bit. After awhile, it started making me feel paranoid, just like the pot did, so I quit that too.
I don't smoke or take any drugs whatsoever and haven't in years. In fact, drugs scare the heck out of me so I'm really careful with prescriptions. I'd rather suffer in pain than take a pain pill. It's a phobia of mine (loss of control thing). About a year ago I was going to a friend's house to work on a project. Just before I left my house I was drinking a glass of wine. I slammed it down cuz I had to leave and I got really buzzed really fast. It was that same awful feeling again, where I wanted it to wear off and it wouldn't. I remember the room was almost spinning (I'm a lightweight!) from that wine and I hated every minute of it. I guess once you've had that drug induced paranoia it can be brought on by other substances just as easily.
Anyway, it couldn't be good for our dizziness to do any of the stuff so I don't even drink anything anymore, maybe an occasional small glass of wine.
Take care, Dave, and I'm glad you are spin free.
Laura
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dizzy dave
USA
33 Posts |
Posted - 04/05/2005 : 07:43:32
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Laura,
Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's this forum that has forced me to look a bit deeper. We have to admit to ourselves a few things, I believe, to become healthy again. Do you remember the days of your youth, before you were struck with TMS? This is what I plan on doing. I want to learn to think as a child, free of any spoiled notions and see what happens. Something tells me that I will be much better off for it.
Sincerely,
dizzydave |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 04/05/2005 : 13:15:27
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Dave,
What a wonderful idea. I know as I've become older I've become much more stressed and much more cynical. My husband pointed this out to me last night in the middle of a heated argument. He told me "Everything is a big deal with you lately. It seems like there's no joy." Well, there hasn't been any joy in quite some time. It seems like I'm buried under a huge mountain of problems and I don't find a lot to be happy about anymore. Physically I feel like crap (dizziness, headaches, jaw pain, neck pain, shoulder pain, mouth problems) and I'm sure a great deal of that has to do with lack of sleep. I just don't sleep like I used to. I wake up several (4 to 6) and by morning I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've got a 12 year old with an attitude that just failed a class in school and is giving me major back talk. Instead of spending a summer sleeping in and relaxing I will now be driving her to summer school bright and early (7:00) each day. My husband and I don't have much of a marriage anymore. The fragments of what were an okay marriage are slowing becoming no marriage at all. I feel as if he is married to his career and when he is home all we do is argue anyway so I'd rather he be there. We haven't had sex in months and if I walk past him naked he doesn't even look my way or notice I am alive. I feel like it's time to end it but I don't have the foggiest idea how. Deep down, I do believe he is a pretty decent, good person but maybe just not the right person for me anymore. My two daughters listen to us argue all the time and it can't be good for them either. I'm in the midst of planning this huge event (12 year old's bat mitzvah) and each day I must jump through a few more hoops to make things happen. I argue with her and I argue with my husband and what's left at the end of the day if me feeling sad and stressed out. Thank God my 15 year old doesn't give me any grief. Talking to her is the one bright spot in my day.
Where does a person find joy when everything around them seems to be falling apart? I have no idea.
Now my 12 year old is home sick (walking pneumonia) and my husband has bacterical pneumonia so he has been home for a few days making all sorts of demands upon me. This past weekend I never relaxed once. He had me organizing things, dusting things, and running all over taking care of errands and kids because "I'm sick." In one moment he says he doesn't care about how the house looks and the next minute he's giving me guilt that things are not the way they used to be. I tried to explain that between now sleeping and running ragged to plan this event (which is like planning a wedding by the way) not to mention toting kids around to tutors and places they need to be, it's hard to organize and make the house perfectly clean. In the past, I was a cleaning fanatic but lately things have slipped a little and taken a back seat because of all my other duties. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. My TMS is in full swing - I'm angry that nobody is taking care of ME!!!!!
I'm sorry. I guess I've been bottling all this up inside for awhile and it all just found it's way out finally. I'm really glad for you and your new found attitude about life and I'd really like to adopt the same attitude for myself. I just don't know how to get there.
It was great hearing from you, Dave. When you get to that childlike place please tell me how to get there too. I want desperately to feel happy and playful again!
Laura
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 04/05/2005 : 17:49:39
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Dave,
Go easy on yourself, okay? I'm not quite following your train of thought, except that you seem to experiencing some pretty extreme highs and lows right now.
I don't think TMS recovery happens overnight. You haven't "fallen", and you're not a "dumb brute". Be nice to yourself.
Hilary |
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dizzy dave
USA
33 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2005 : 08:13:23
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Laura,
It seems like you and I are quite similar. I think you understand where I am coming from and it makes me feel at ease. Hilary thanks for writing. I don't think you have me down pat though. I am not too hard on myself. As I wrote earlier, I have learned to be tough on myself. There is a big difference. Just read what Laura wrote earlier on this string and let it tell the tale. She has gotten to the point where things are out of control. I imagine that millions of people across this great country of ours, and the world for that matter, feel the same or very close to it. It's the numbness I am referring to here. It's a forgetting about what really matters and F-ing-up the things and people you care about. How good can a relationship be between a husband and wife if they are not making love, let alone having sex, often enough? How horrible is it to feel like your spouse has "married" their occupation and forgot the commitment you both held so dear? What a feeling of joy and subsequent resentment we would feel if we just woke up! We would love to see the world with new eyes and at the same time mourn over what we had lost. Lastly, we would vow in our own hearts never to sink that low again. Not because of some cold, religous principle or moral, but because it is good for yourself and our health. I think if someone has a desire to actually live life, they may sound a bit harsh. What if, though, it's those people who make a crack in their shell and break free to a new world? Maybe TMS is some trick that the unconscious mind uses to say, "Hey, Dude. Wake the hell up or I am going to hurt you real bad!" So, Hilary, when you mentioned that recovery doesn't happen overnight, maybe it can. What's to say that I am wrong? Maybe it's my attitude that makes the difference. I am not just saying that I am done with it, I am done with it. Funny, huh? I really feel that way. It's not like I have had TMS for a year or two. I have been sick since I was 13 friggin' years old! I have been living with a fear of my sickness. Today I am not scared. I understand full well that I have written down these words for all to see. And I will be the first to write, "It came back.” if it does.
Dave |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2005 : 09:19:09
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Laura,
Let me make a couple of suggestions to relieve your stess immediately. Cancel the Bat Mitzva. Make your daughter walk, ride a bike or take the bus to summer school--you sleep in. Quit wasting money on tutors. If your kids don't cut the mustard to get into UCLA, there will be plenty of entry level jobs for them at McDonalds, In-n-Out or Starbucks-they won't starve and will learn what the other half lives like.
A Bat MItzva is supposed to be a religious rite of passage signifying passing from being child to adulthood. Your 13 year old has not earned this. This event has turned into a secular, social display of wealth which doesn't sound like your household can afford.
I've witnessed many of these events and rather than passages to knowledge and maturity, they are hedonistic rites with DJ's, disco balls and out of control children running around while their parents ignore their stupid actions as the secutity people for the catering company try to keep them under control.
Tell your family you're quitting and they can take care of themselves from now on and start making your exit plans, at least you'll have something to look forward to. |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2005 : 10:24:21
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Dizzy Dave, Laura - stress overload - a recipe for a breakdown. I know, I've been there. Unbearable TMS back pain and far too many demands on me - my body and brain called a halt.
That was two and a half years ago now. I'm fine now, in fact, I've come out the other end a different person, or rather the person I should have been in the first place. I get much more respect and affection from my family now that they know I can't be the one that everyone else leans on.
You must put your own needs uppermost now - Dizzy Dave, it sounds like you are beginning to do that now. Don't be diverted.
Laura - be selfish! I agree with Tennis Tom's advice. Your marriage might not be beyond repair, but you'll suffer far more if you carry on the way you are doing right now.
Take care and best wishes
Anne
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2005 : 14:53:44
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Dave,
I really liked your last post.
Laura,
I've been wondering how you're doing with the Bat Mitzvah. Tennis Tom's post is very cut-and-dry, but I have to say that from an outsiders viewpoint he makes enormous and eloquent sense. What about it? What about backing out of these horrendous responsibilities you're piling upon yourself? Why SHOULD you go through with this right now? You aren't feeling well, Laura, and you MUST listen to that. The more you do for others, the less reason they have to take care of YOU, and the greater your rage will be and the worse you'll feel. You must put yourself first here, look after your health right NOW.
Jeez, put the bat mitzvah money into a great therapist for yourself or couples counselling for you and your husband. I'm serious - the stress and unhappiness you are piling upon yourself is NOT good for you at all. One person shouldn't have to deal with this all by themselves, especially someone with TMS!
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Edited by - Hilary on 04/06/2005 14:56:15 |
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dizzy dave
USA
33 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2005 : 15:30:56
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Tom,
You should get your own television or radio talk show. I have to say that you have, time and again, proven to be straight and wise. I appreciate having met you through these posts.
Laura, as you friend, take his advice and confront it!
DizzyDave |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2005 : 16:05:24
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Dear Dave, Tom and Hilary,
Thanks to all of you for listening. I cannot cancel the bat mitzvah. It is a culmination of my daughter attending 6 years of Hebrew School and I wouldn't cancel it for the world. Invitations have been ordered (they were costly) and the DJ, photographer, videographer, and caterer were all given non-refundable deposits. It's kind of one of those things that once you get started with it, there's no turning back. I simply cannot cancel any of it, nor do I want to. What I want and what I need is help and some loving support from my family. Yesterday, after posting on here, I sat down and cried for nearly two hours straight. Not little tears but big huge crocodile tears. My daughter was home sick and my oldest called from school not feeling well either (it's going through my whole house). My daughters both hugged me and asked what they could do to help. I told my youngest that she needs to change her attitude and act more respectful and grateful. I told her she needs to do her job in school and stop slacking off. My oldest daughter just kept hugging me and saying "It's okay, Mom." My husband, upon getting wind of how I was feeling, called and apologized and offered to do whatever he could to help. Things are a bit better, let's just hope it continues.
I think I have put so much pressure on myself to make this party spectacular. Our first daughter's bat mitzvah was very low budget but it was incredibly beautiful. My husband and I felt it was about the reading of the Torah, not how much we could spend to impress everyone. I thought things were starting to go better in my husband's new job as a loan officer. A few checks started coming in and I thought "Why not. Let's do this one up a little fancier." Instead of $6,000 were spending closer to $13,000, which is still cheap compared to what I hear most people spend. I just went to one that cost the parents nearly $30,000. That's completely insane and over the top. The things I can cut corners on I will but other things I have splurged on, like a really good DJ and the most incredibly beautiful invitations. It's just, I cannot do it all by myself, especially on zero sleep and feeling as horribly as I do.
Today my throat is scratchy and I'm feeling really tired and run down. I'm fighting something, which is no surprise based on how I've been feeling and how sick everyone is in my house.
As far as taking the kids around to tutors, etc., I do agree and I really need to learn to say "No." The Hebrew tutor, however, is a necessity. You MUST have one on one tutoring in order to have the bat mitzvah, there's no possible way to learn your Torah portion otherwise. I can say no, however, to other demands like my 15 year old asking me every day to drive her and her friend to the health club. I feel like a rag doll who's being pulled in every direction and is being torn to shreds. How much can one person do? With regards to the summer school, my daughter will not be attending summer school. I spoke to the principal and instead, starting in 8th grade, she will attend After School Academy, which lasts for one quarter and is a way to earn the 2.5 credit she needs in order to leave junior high school. This way, she will be affected by it but not me. It will not alter my summer but it will alter her after school fun for the first quarter of 8th grade. In other words, she will suffer, not me.
I do wish that my marriage was better and I can only hope that in time, with some counseling, we can get back to where we used to be. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to have a positive attitude. Obviously, my husband has no desire towards me and that's a problem. He used to be the one that would lecture me on how important sex is in a marriage. It was always him saying "Couples need to do that. If they don't, they might as well not be married." Well, it's been months and I think he could care less if we did or didn't. What's sad to me is that my own husband does not know I'm alive and the only compliments or self-esteem I get is from friends who say nice things. Sometimes I'll go out with friends to have a drink and men will try to hit on me. Obviously, I tell them I'm married and it's flattering but what I want is a huband that's interested in me and a marriage that has some sort of spark or life to it. I just don't know how to get that. I tell him how I feel but it doesn't seem to matter. It does make your mind start wondering all sorts of crazy things, you know?
Thank you again, everyone, for your input here. Dave, it does sound like you and I are very much alike. I appreciate your comments, as always. Hilary, I was beginning to wonder where you were. It was nice to hear from you. And, Tennis Tom, thanks again for your wisdom and advice.
Laura
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2005 : 08:52:04
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Laura,
A thought on your husband's lack of interest in sex. The male libido is very sensitive to confidence levels. He has recently gone through a stressful job change that I would assume could have affected his confidence in the role of the bread winner.
Try to get him into a relaxed state where he can forget about the office. Maybe a cocktail or two, some physical stimulaion and an x-rated movie would do the trick. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2005 : 10:00:50
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Thanks, Tom. It's really weird. I'm so used to him always being interested and now it's as if someone removed all the testosterone from his body. We're still arguing this morning so at this point I'm just staying clear of him.
Maybe at some point I'll take your suggestion though, if we can even get to that point!
Laura
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Fox
USA
496 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2005 : 13:44:28
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| Laura -- From what you wrote, it sounds like you were resisting intimacy for a long time and then the tables turned on you. When a man (or woman, I suppose) faces this kind of resistance from his partner, for even a short period of time, he starts to lose his self-confidence, his joy in life, and, where there was once love, rage develops in its place. The man will start to wall himself off from his partner so that he won't have to keep experiencing the sense of rejection, abadonment, and betrayal over and over. It will take quite a bit of time for you to chip away at the wall. The most important thing for you to do, in my opinion, is to avoid mentioning your concern about his current lack of sexual drive, and to become his friend once again -- by cheerfully talking with him several times a day about whatever, listening intently to him (with a big smile on your face) whenever he initiates conversation, thinking of fun things to do together, and most importantly, touching him, on the arm or shoulder - with lingering touches that convey the love that you feel for him. If he brushes you off, as he probabaly will at first,console yourself with some activity that you enjoy on your own, and then step back up to bat and try again. |
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It's been a while
