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verdammt
Canada
97 Posts |
 Posted - 03/26/2005 : 08:51:24
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I have a terrible confession to make. I like being alone. No, let me rephrase that... I LOVE being alone. I know it's socially unacceptable. I know it's frowned upon. But it's a fact. I've always loved being alone. I like my own company. I'm happy with myself. I have lots of interests. I'm not in pain when I'm alone. I thrive on solitude. Peace and quiet. People are okay in small doses, (on my own selfish terms) but all in all, I believe I'm a loner.
Now, it seems to me that every source of pain in life can be traced to other people. People at home, people at work, you name it. I don't remember any TMS symptoms before my first marriage.
Is this a common trait among TMS sufferers? Do we just want to be alone? Does solitude alleviate the pain?
(Happy Easter, by the way...here come the in-laws.) |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2005 : 09:41:37
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Hi Verdammt
You can only go by what people say behind your back.
My best friend in LA was describing me to someone we knew mutually who had asked about me before I became a roommate(who of course told me this later)..
He said: "Marc will seem really gregarious and outgoing,but the truth is he generally keeps to himself...he's pretty much of a loner ...locks himself in his room and writes and plays guitar"
I was a bit hurt at first...I always thought of myself as the first part..outgoing and gregarious..but the more I thought about it,he was right.
Even at work,around the break room I am the Joke telling/look at me try to be funny guy,but when we actually work,I try to get a task that requires no assistance because I am that person in HBP who is easily irritated by the shortcomings of othersI like to work by myself and be accountable and responsible for my own success or failure....
there is no "I" in "team"...
but there is one in "winner"...
However there is no "U" ! (a pun of my own creation in response to my communistic bosses and coaches)
In public,I have no problem speaking or performing in front of tons of people...probably just from experience as a performer.However,I view it as a TASK..A CHORE to be completed and than the reward is the respite of being left alone.I hate crowds,theme parks,night clubs(unless I have to play) and large groups.
Hell...me and my wife have separate bedrooms.We'll ...uhh...consumnate the marriage in her bedroom,and than I go back to mine to read,write and play guitar.
You are not alone in being alone.
peacefully yours
P.S.....I moved about 2000 miles away from ALL in-laws...what a shame.
I guess I'll have to spend Easter without them
Baseball65 |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2005 : 11:46:58
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Hi all,
I took a little sabbatical from the board in order to get some writing in over spring break - I felt like my postings here were taking away time and energy I needed to invest in fiction writing. Anyway...
I'm shocked when people are surprised to hear me say that I am shy. I think, "how can they not realize that I am very anxious in social situations, especially when it comes to speaking in front of a group or taking on any kind of leadership role"?
But I guess I hide it better than I thought I did. They also don't realize that I am seething with anger a lot of times, so I apparently have a good poker face. Or TMS face. :)
It takes a lot of energy to keep that face up and If I could get away with it, I would be a total loner so I wouldn't have to put that face on, ever.
And I love my time alone. Over spring break, I spent each and every day alone reading, writing and sunning in my back yard and it was exactly the "battery recharge" I needed.
But I know that to be a successful adult, especially a professor who teaches creative writing as I aspire to be, I have to make myself "network" and forge connections with people that intimidate the crap out of me - like already successful writers and professors.
And really, I think my pleasure in being alone is about 50% fear-based. When I'm with people in social (and especially professional) situations, I feel like I'm constantly "on" like I am constantly wondering "what now? what do I say or do now? what's the right, proper, most acceptable thing to do now? What are people thinking of me now?"
I have a major dread of screwing up and being judged, ridiculed and ostracized. I would bet that many of us do have this fear that originates in traumatic incidents from childhood.
Long story short, my mom kicked my dad out of the house when I was 3 and immediately afterwards began a campaign to "de-spoil" me so I subconsciously understood that my "bad" behavior was the cause of my abandonment.
Then, when I went to kindergarten, I made the "mistake" of not conforming and was made fun of for doing "weird" things like drawing a face on my March kite. I could go on and on in this vein but I'll spare you. Basically, I have always felt "weird" and never accepted.
It's little seeds like these that grow an adult loner with TMS. I love my time alone and consider it a neccesity for a writer but at the same time, I have vast reservoirs of anger and sadness about my inability to connect with people (or what I sometimes see as their refusal to connect with me) which requires constant awareness on my part so that my TMS does not come back.
I have to be self-conscious of my self-consciousness, so to speak. I do not like doing this but if I don't, I get a little TMS reminder twinge like I did yesterday while watching Malcolm in the Middle - hello, mommy issues calling. But that's another post...
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verdammt
Canada
97 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2005 : 12:01:32
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Yo, Logan. We have the same problem connecting. I find most social interactions really fatiguing. I'm wasted after 30 minutes. The only thing that really helps is drinking. I'm sure that's what "social drinking" is all about. It takes the edge off a tense situation.
I'm doing the in-law thing this weekend. Got TMS? They're all boring tea-totallers who don't approve of drinking - not even a cold brewski or a glass of wine with dinner. I have to slip out of the room to hit the hard stuff. It's bad. Somebody help me. Is there such as thing as e-coke? I ain't gonna make it... |
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Caroline
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2005 : 08:41:49
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[Is this a common trait among TMS sufferers? Do we just want to be alone? Does solitude alleviate the pain?]
Verdammnt,
I can relate to your love of being alone. I feel the same way. My pain is at its highest when I am interacting with people (that includes my own husband and colleagues). I think it may have to do with angst over what people think about me. When I am alone, I don't have to worry about that...
Caroline
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verdammt
Canada
97 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2005 : 09:56:38
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quote:
Originally posted by Caroline
I think it may have to do with angst over what people think about me. When I am alone, I don't have to worry about that...
Caroline
Caroline,
I'm sure you're right: worrying about what people may think is part of the problem, as much as I tell myself I don't care.
I break out in a sweat during round-table discussions.
It's so bad, sometimes during a conversation or presentation I'll find myself having what feels like a mild out-of-body experience, listening to my own voice, observing myself (critically). Then I'll start worrying that I'll lose control of my own words and action, do something really embarrassing and everyone will think I'm deranged.
Very scary. Is this some kind of panic attack? I always pull through, and no one seems to notice, but the thought of it returning absolutely terrifies me. |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2005 : 01:34:57
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Yes, but isn't the wish to be alone really due to a lack of confidence and fear of being disliked? If someone laughs at my joke I feel great for days (but this doesn't happen very often).
Or is everyone on the planet like this and some hide their antisocialness better than others.
Scottydog |
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menvert
Australia
133 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2005 : 00:34:56
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hi all,
this topic caught my attention immediately!
yes i am a Introvert/loner(at least currently)!
People just plain suck... they're unreliable unpredictable, and just plain dangerous!
I can easily spend the week without interacting with a single human in the real world(non electronically)
But then I also have times of severe loneliness, where my inability to connect with people and to make new friends, leaves me horribly depressed .
Until high school, as far as I can tell, I was actually fairly extroverted I used to have no hesitation being happy, able to go up to perfect strangers and talking to them.
But as many of you may have realised high school has a way of beating out positive personality traits of most people, so at that point, I became very introverted and afraid of people in general.
These days, I have fairly strong social phobia my fear of embarrassment is far stronger than my fear of loneliness. I consider people and my phobia of them to be the core of my emotional processes which cause significant amount of rage... a while back I was trying to be more outgoing and socially interactive . but now I've started doing work again . it doesn't seem important . I just had a four-day weekend and I spent a basically, all at home and I enjoyed it(admittedly, I did have visitors several days for a few hours)...
And when one of my friends left he did not invite me to his place afterword(he usually does invite me) , and immediately I got knee pain again...but being capable of dissolving TMS . it went away rapidly.... |
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2005 : 18:37:51
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| I'm new to this forum, but let me say, at age 39, I LOVE being alone (with my two cats). I used to LOVE to go to parties, etc. Now I would rather stay home and throw the party in my own comfy home, on the rare occasion. I sometimes wonder if I'm just getting mentally lazy but who knows. I have never been married and have not had a solid relationship in years and people say, Mary, you have to get OUT more, mingle, meet people. I am a singer in a band. I get a TON of gratification from being out in clubs and singing. But once the show's over, I'm OUTTA THERE and want my hot bath and go to bed and stay home alone the next day sleeping peacefully. I love my aloneness but it's scary because I don't want to grow old alone. |
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verdammt
Canada
97 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2005 : 19:04:49
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Being a loner isn't so bad. It means you're fairly independent and you're probably happy with yourself. You can stand your own company. That sounds healthy. After all, I'm stuck with me, and you're stuck with you.
Ask yourself this: Given a choice, which would you rather be - a self-sufficient loner or someone who HAS to be surrounded by people all the time?
Maryalma8 wrote: "I love my aloneness but it's scary because I don't want to grow old alone." Personally, I've never bought into this. You can marry and have kids and STILL end up alone. Millions of people do. |
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Colleen
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2005 : 18:31:33
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This topic caught my attention. My Mom passed away about 17 months ago and my Dad, who I always considered a loner, is now very lonely. It is sad. Everyone considers me very social, but I really like when I have time to myself. I do have anxiety, so I do believe some of it comes from not wanting to be "judged" and sometimes my family (mostly my siblings and their spouses) make me feel very lonely, like the "outsider" and I know that they "judge" me. I am fairly close to my Dad, but the only person that truly ever understood me was my Mom.
Colleen |
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almost there
109 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2005 : 19:36:03
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| Collen- |
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almost there
109 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2005 : 19:39:44
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Collen-
I had a friend that once told me when your mother dies you are truly alone in the world....this I found is so true! This Message Board is very helpful....don't you think?
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2005 : 21:22:37
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What if she was never really that motherly to you, what if she pretty much decided her job "was done" when you were five?
I don't know if this applies for anyone else but I read in one of my psychology books this week (for school) that people whose maternal nurturance needs aren't met in their early childhoods have unrealistic expectations of others (unresolved needs) as adults and when inevitably their expectation aren't met, they react with "rage" and "sadness."
Hmm, where have I heard those two words used before? MBP. |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2005 : 21:23:48
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| Actually I meant "rage" and "despair." Despair is much more accurate. |
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Colleen
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2005 : 16:06:09
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Almost There,
I totally agree with the statement you made. I was blessed to have a mother who was also my best friend. She was a young mother and a young Nana. She adored my Dad, her children and especially her 5, now 6 granddaughters. This woman loved life and you felt that just being near her. I called her everyday morning and usually another time during the day or we stopped by each other's houses. To tell you I miss her, would be an understatement. After she died, a friend of mine from church who had lost her Mom about 8 years earlier said that when you loose your Mom is when you have to truly grow up and do things on your own. At first, I didn't take that the right way, but the more I thought about it, the more true it seemed.
As for a woman who truly does not want to mother and stops when the child is under 5....I have worked in the field of Early childhood development for about 20 years now and it can cause a number of developmental problems.....some of which do not show up until you have children of your own. My husband has expereinced this first hand. It was then, when we had our own children that he realized what had truly happened in his own life. His father was no father either.
Colleen |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2005 : 18:11:20
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Colleen and all,
I don't know if reading psychology books is a good idea. :) Of course, I'm being facetious but it does sometimes seem that ignorance is bliss or something that passes for bliss.
A friend of mine sent me a book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it's about abusive men. She just left an abusive relationship and knows that I had an ex boyfriend who was verbally and psychologically abusive to me. She sent it thinking it might help me to gain perspective on this relationship, now 10 years in my past.
What it did, instead, was to make me see my family dynamics very clearly, for the first time. When I say "for the first time" I mean today, I mean just a few hours ago.
While it seems that my mom is the "crazy" one in our family, and that it's her neglect of me that is my big TMS causing issue - what I'm seeing now is that my dad was so jealous of any attention she paid to us as young children, that she quickly learned it was in our/her best interest to "stop babying" us as he demanded.
Otherwise, he became mt. vesuvius; woe to anyone in his screaming, plate throwing path. Or conversely, he became an iceberg, cold, untouchable. He never hit us, never, but we always walked on eggshells for fear of his unpredictable temper.
This is why I often feel on guard around people, especially with strangers or authority figures, I wonder "am I doing something right now that will set them off"? I feel safer being a loner.
And then there's all my self esteem issues that contribute to my loner-ism. I spent 10 years under the usually silent tyranny of my dad then went straight into the arms of a guy who was similarly moody, only his nice side was so much nicer than any man's I'd ever observed in my childhood, that he seemed like a good guy to me. And he told me all the time how lucky I was to have such a good guy doing all these good things for me, that I believed him, even if he often undermined my sense of self.
Yikes, I never thought of myself as having been in an abusive relationship because I was never hit, but I'm having to rethink this now. I'm starting to see where all this TMS fueling rage/despair came from. |
Edited by - Logan on 04/02/2005 18:27:13 |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2005 : 18:23:32
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To clarify: I did not start dating when I was 10. I mean, my childhood was messed up but not THAT messed up.
:)
I meant, that I lived with my stepdad from age 8 - 18 and then started going out with the guy who was the master manipulator. |
Edited by - Logan on 04/02/2005 18:27:41 |
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Colleen
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2005 : 11:56:07
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Dear Logan,
I am sorry for your pain, but what a HUGE insight you have just had.
Colleen |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2005 : 20:51:57
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quote:
Originally posted by Baseball65
...snip...
there is no "I" in "team"...
but there is one in "winner"...
However there is no "U" ! (a pun of my own creation in response to my communistic bosses and coaches)
Hi BB65,
Boy, your quote strikes one with me today.
I have a pretty good boss now. However, over the last couple weeks I have been handing over a lot of my previous responsibilities over to him since I'm moving on to another group within the company. In the last couple days, lots of issues that I had working very smoothly for over a year are now in disarray beacuse no one is really picking up the chore. I'm feeling real bad that my past work is now being cancelled out, and I'm feeling "What a waste of my time. Why do a good job (for a year!) just for someone else to botch it in a matter of days".
So of course today I'm starting down the sciatica burning pain path for the first time in a long time.
Ahhh, a few more posts to read/make and I should be back on track.
Thanks for your unique perspective. Take care, -Stryder |
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weatherman
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2005 : 01:02:07
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This thread caught my eye, as I am definitely a loner for the most part. My idea of hell would be to spend eternity at a social function engaging in "small talk". I don't remember who said the following - "I drink to make other people interesting" - but I can appreciate it.
Actually I enjoy in depth discussions with SMALL groups of people (like 1 to 3 others), but crowds absolutely make me crazy. Guess I won't move to New York City anytime soon, even if Sarno is there. I have to wonder if being a loner is often part of the TMS personality, though I haven't read it in any of the books. |
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Are we all loners?
