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Eket
Netherlands
11 Posts |
 Posted - 02/19/2005 : 10:13:34
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... First of all i'd like to apologise. When i came here i was suffering from TMS (Supposedly i had RSI) I received much help, and it eventually got me through things. I told the people that helped me that i would be here to help the others as much as i could. I failed to do so for several reasons.
1: A stressful real-life situation (to be explained in a bit)
2: A not-working internet connection for several months
3: Probably the most of all.. the moment i came on this site, i would read a thread made by another tms sufferer. For example one that was struggling with the physical side of it all, when i read this i immediately started getting doubts about my own TMS again, and i would get pain again. I stopped coming here because of that... a selfish reason i know... i'm sorry... but i didn't know what else to do. I am easily influenced
I just hope now that i can still get some help from the people here, because my TMS is on the verge of returning, or has already returned...
I'm still in the same stresful real life situation. My mother has cancer and is having chemotherapy, it is her last chemosession and after this we will get the results if it was succesful in fighting back the cancer again...
Another stress giver for me is that this is my senior year and i need to find a follow-up education and it's really difficult. I was already turned down last week at a university that thought game design and development a field that seemed very interesting to me...
The third and definately not least is my feelings of being so lonely... i feel so alone... and so damn useless in my situations. I can't help my mom, i constantly have to keep my chin up when i'm around her... (it is hard..when you see her struggling) I have one real life friend and we were gonna meet up but now has other plans again...
Then there are of course many other minor stresses that just keep piling up... i've spend nearly an hour yesterday again thinking through all of it again, and what could be bothering me. I've read through the book again, but i still feel the pain... i crack my fingers a lot, but i know this is only a placebo thing and i need to stop doing it... but it's like i'm addicted to it =_=
I am totally at a loss here... so many stresses... so much anger... while i'm writing this post i can feel the pain moving from place to place, and im trying best to keep telling myself it's not physical (Though i can understand why it's trying to now even more, cause i've had a hard days work today much physical strain.. but even so i know it cannot be the cause of my pains..)
Why must we fight against this damned thing all our lives, why do we have to recondition, why do we have to do all this work for it?! I just wanna be RID of this damn pain, cause it's holding me back. Why does my unconscious have to be so damn annoying, i hate that damn child that's hiding in there, building up rage over the stuff i do. I wanna stab a knife through that annoying twit of a kid, then it can't do this stuff no more...
gawd i sound like an insane fool right about now, but i can't seem to stop typing about it... i hate this so much...
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Mobius
USA
32 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2005 : 12:13:44
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Hello Eket,
Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain but I can well understand why with all the stresses you are undergoing right now. TMS can be a very tedious condition and it calls for a lot of patience and thoughtfulness. You really have to kind of out-thing it and anticipate what it is going to do next. You evidently beat it once but it is now testing your resolve. It always seems to pick a time when you are dealing with a lot of worry and stress. Maybe you can separate out all the problems that you can't really solve right now, like your mothers condition, and set them aside and not allow them to overwhelm you.
You may not be able to change the way your unconscious mind reacts to all these negative emotions that you are going through but you can certainly learn to modify the way you consciously react to them. Since the unconscious mind magnifys the way you react consciously and tends to over-react to that then it seems to be evident that you do have at least a modicum of control over it. You might try to regain some of your self-confidence as I sense that it is now lacking. Watch your dreams closely as the unconscious will often reveal some of its hidden (repressed) emotions in that way. Sometimes the nightmares are the most revealing as they are meant to be remembered and the can be heavy stuff as the unconscious can be wild and savage with them. These dreams can be difficult to interpret but if you work hard at you can work them out and that will be helpfull.
Sorry I can't be of more help. Be strong and fight hard. Mobius |
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Eket
Netherlands
11 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2005 : 15:06:35
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Thanks Mobius...
I found out something odd now... i can work behind my computer and be active with my hands, i can play a game and be active with my hands... but when i lay down on my bed to watch a movie, i feel pain...
must be this conditioning crap going on... sigh TMS is very very annoying =_= |
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Mobius
USA
32 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2005 : 17:20:38
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Hi Eket,
If there is no pain when you are engaged in the first two activities that you mentioned but you experiencce pain when you lay down then #1: A structural problem is pretty much ruled out and TMS is the likely suspect and #2: You may have conditioned yourself to anticipate the pain when you lay down. Deconditioning can be troublesome, but you can do it. Try to focus your mind and total concentration on something that is very interesting to you while using your hands and while engaged in this activity slowly lay down and see if you can modify the conditioning. You will need to occupy your mind heavily on the activity so that no anticipatory thoughts can enter your mind. Good luck and keep in touch. Mobius |
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Louise
USA
68 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2005 : 18:32:14
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Eket -
Wow. You've been hit with a bunch of stressful stuff all at once. Believe me, it happens to all of us at one time or another. All you can do is just try to take it one day at a time. Things eventually work out - it's hard to believe that sometimes, but they really do.
Have you tried journaling about what you're going through? Write down your thoughts & fears about your mom's condition. Don't edit yourself if you're feeling angry or having any other "anti-social" thoughts about what's going on. This is your time to vent & nobody is going to read it but you. Really let it out. Write about your frustrations & fears about your educational situation & your fears about your future. If it helps, punch your pillows, or take a tennis racket and beat your bed. Scream in the car - just get the anger out.
Keep working on de-conditioning yourself. You will see success, little by little. I think that all of us have had conditioned responses that are part of TMS. Just notice the conditioned pain, and try not to react. It'll take a while, but you can push through it.
Keep in mind that you're NOT alone. There are a people who care about you, and some of us are right here.
Louise |
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Eket
Netherlands
11 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2005 : 15:55:59
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current update: pain seems to have gotten intense now... so something is majorly bothering my unconscious... something must be trying to reach to the surface now... but i just can't seem to figure out what it is...
i've gone through a bunch of possible things, but i just can't seem to pinpoint what it is... the pain was gona for nearly half the day, thought it was finally gonna give up... but i guess that's why it's striking hard now... testing me more... what a fool that it really thinks ima stop doing the stuff i'm doing and give into the pain... for what kind of weakling does my mind take me?! |
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