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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
 Posted - 02/10/2005 : 05:56:11
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Hi everyone.
I went for my first session of psychotherapy last night. I was apprehensive about is but also looking forward to talking about things.
It became clear during the session that there was real a conflict going on inside me. On one hand, I was working really hard to talk about 'emotional' issues but yet as I did so I could feel myself doing my utmost to stay controlled and keep them at bay so that I wouldn't 'lose it'(not sure whether I do that consciously or whether it just happens through habit). I could sense within me that I was scared of what would happen if I let the lid off whatever's in there, my fear, anger etc. Although I cannot quite connect with it, I can sense that there is something pretty powerful boiling away virtually all the time although on the surface I am nearly always calm in stressful situations. Occasionally I have the odd fit of rage(feels somehow that I a 'turn' and that I can't control it) with my girlfriend/Dad about something really little and then I realise how much anger is inside me.
The therapist thinks that in my mind I am trying to stay strong, i.e. not let the emotions out, and that I am being brave in warding off the physical symptoms. But she says that as long as that goes on, they will continue to come along and it will be a constant struggle. I told her I really love male hero figures, i.e. Superman, Mohammed Ali, Rocky(I go jogging to the theme) and she thinks this is because I perceive myself in this way and don't want others to see me as weak.
I'm 26 now. My parents split up when I was 16, but the whole thing was blurred by my sister's eating disorder which kept the family together(group therapy sessions) in a really turbulent way - while everyone else was screaming at each other I wanted to be alright/calm/sane and keep it together emotionally. Then it was off to University during which time my Mum became really depressed and ended her own life. I talked about these various things(tended to brush over them) with the therapist but she noticed that each time I got to a moment which might become emotional, I suddenly diverted to something else to avoid it.
Out of the blue the therapist said to me that perhaps the hidden emotions are as terrifying and powerful as the image of my mum walking in front of the train. That is the traumatic intensity and that is why I'm doing everything I can to protect myself from them. As she said it, my body started to shake and all sorts of physical symptoms came along but still no sign of any emotional outburst - I could still feel myself 'holding it down'. I was shocked at my body's reaction though. I feel like over the last ten years, all these traumatic things have happened and yet I don't feel like they've been allowed to surface in an emotional way. Just through headaches, RSI, anything physical!
I wanted to ask, have other people experienced this conflict of sensing the emotions but not allowing/being able to let them come out and if so did it progress to a stage where this changed?
I feel bad posting this as though I am burdening you all with my story. I suppose that is the conflict again, wanting to sort things out but at the same time, feeling like it should be kept at bay.
Rob |
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2005 : 08:12:22
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I had a therapy session yesterday myself. She told me that my body is taking the brunt of my emotions because I am so afraid of letting them out. Why? It was what I learned to survive as a child, I had no choice. It apparently is your survival technique as well. HOWEVER, we're adults now and we don't need that survival technique. We need to sit in the emotion and feel it.
My therapist brought up a very interesting point last night. There are only a few powerful emotions and they are neutral. Only WE make them more than they are. She said that anger is a neutral feeling, but what we ATTACH to it is what gives it power.
I mentioned to her that at times in my life I have felt such extreme rage at someone that I pictured in my mind beating them to death, but then I said that it sounds so WRONG to actually think those things!
Like you, I am struggling with the past. My unconscious is filled with emotions that what to direct my life today. Somehow I have to get the feeling out of my body, and into my brain. That's what she's helping me with. It's tough - and every once in a while she would ask me what my body was feeling while we were talking. I could immediately feel the tension in my gut/hips/legs - right where my problem lies.
I've also noticed that whenever I get done with these sessions, my pain is pretty intense. But like Dr. Sarno says, the closer we get the cause, the more intense the pain will be, until it realizes it can no longer use the pain as a distraction.
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2005 : 08:36:16
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quote:
I wanted to ask, have other people experienced this conflict of sensing the emotions but not allowing/being able to let them come out and if so did it progress to a stage where this changed?
Of course ... I think everyone with TMS experiences some form of this. We've developed a lifetime of defenses that have become automatic and unconscious. We have to learn how to allow those emotions to come out. That's what therapy is all about.
It's important to feel totally safe with your therapist and let it all hang out. It will take time to develop that trust. There is no magic bullet; let the therapist do her job and try your best not to censor yourself. Say whatever comes to mind as soon as it comes to mind. Let her see those emotions that you are afraid to let others see. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2005 : 17:17:03
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Rob,
What took you one day to achieve took me 1 1/2 years to achieve, feeling or sensing the closeness of the emotion. Dave is right that the emotion will explode out of you when you feel it's safe to do it. You've probably got a lot of sadness bottled up inside you and you need to forget the macho Clint Eastwood approach and let yourself cry and be angry about your hurts which sound intense from your post. It sounds like you have found a good therapist. Good luck in therapy. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2005 : 17:47:03
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quote:
Originally posted by robbokop
Hi everyone.
Out of the blue the therapist said to me that perhaps the hidden emotions are as terrifying and powerful as the image of my mum walking in front of the train. That is the traumatic intensity and that is why I'm doing everything I can to protect myself from them. As she said it, my body started to shake and all sorts of physical symptoms came along but still no sign of any emotional outburst - I could still feel myself 'holding it down'. I was shocked at my body's reaction though. I feel like over the last ten years, all these traumatic things have happened and yet I don't feel like they've been allowed to surface in an emotional way. Just through headaches, RSI, anything physical!
I wanted to ask, have other people experienced this conflict of sensing the emotions but not allowing/being able to let them come out and if so did it progress to a stage where this changed?
Rob
Rob,
I also wanted to say that I can relate big time to your experience of body shaking and other physical reactions. This happens to me all the time in therapy. And I now interpret this as repressed fear coming out. When I feel it happening I know that the rage is close behind. I try and let it out -- that is the out of control rage that is there in my subconscious. In my case the fear is the fear of the rage coming out that if it comes out something bad will happen. This is what the child believes and he probably had good justification for feeling and believing this way. Like you, I learned to repress emotions at a very young age and grew up admiring the stoics because that's what my parents admired. Now I know that that is just a bunch of crap and that to be healthy I have to accept and express my emotions. There's wisdom in your emotions and you will find a huge peace and calm when you let them out along with TMS help.
Thanks Rob for your post. I got some of my rage out just responding to your post.
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2005 : 06:06:51
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Hi Robbokop
It's like stripping wallpaper....you start scraping,get an edge pull and get a little piece...and it TEARS!!
So you pull a little bit at a time...eventually you get to a part where a whole sheet come off in one pull...and sometimes you find another layer underneath!!
...and ,the better it was put up,the harder it is to get off.
After reading your story,I'd imagine you would have had to cover up a lot of stuff merely to function...the need to repress is huge...the person who brought you into the world decided to leave it.
My father died when I was 5,and I spent my whole life saying "...Oh..it's OK" .... everybody is so solicitous,and you don't want to feel it,so you fend off any discussion with a well rehearsed set of answers.The longer they've been up,the harder they are to scrape off.....the more you believe them,the harder to undo.
quote:
I wanted to ask, have other people experienced this conflict of sensing the emotions but not allowing/being able to let them come out and if so did it progress to a stage where this changed?
I did reach a point where this changed...I can even talk about it quite candidly with my mother.
On prompting from my therapist,I spent some time with my brother...I forgot he even existed and went through the same thing,albeit 2 years older.
He told me that our father and Mother were in a horrible fight for quite a period leading up to his death....he wanted to take another high risk job overseas,she wanted to move back to the states.
Also...he said that for a year or so after his death,My mother used to say stuff(in moments of anger) like "I should have shipped you all out to an orphanage"
I had completely blocked ALL of this out of my head.I never would have started to even look there were it not for promptings of my therapist.
I do not confront my mom with stuff that would be cruel and pointless to bring up,but I have had more understanding as to why I responded and acted the way I did in child/adulthood.I've also reached a point where I can honestly say I've forgiven her.
For 25 or so years,I was angry with her and didn't even know why!!
This did nOT come as one screaming epiphany...it was like scraping wallpaper...just a little piece at a time..
you will definitely benefit from this,no matter how painful the process.
peace
Baseball65 |
Edited by - Baseball65 on 02/11/2005 06:08:57 |
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2005 : 01:35:56
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Thanks for all your comments everyone. Great advice - I like the wallpaper analogy! I think I've pasted it on pretty well, with lots of layers...so may need the king of wallpaper strippers to start peeling away.
Dave, I was reading on archives and I noticed your various comments about TMS in your baseball team. Over this side of the pond I'm sure my football team Liverpool FC has exactly the same thing - one after another they fall with ankle injuries(that last a year), groin strains, broken fingernails etc - it's been the worst season for injuries in 25 years - I'm sure they treat them with too much care and wrap them in cotton wool after each game. Very interesting - I'm tempted to go down to the training ground and give out free copies of MBP.
Robbokop
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2005 : 13:07:28
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Robbo,
I had to laugh at your post re: your team. I'm not even involved in rough team sports yet I am constantly exposed to the mass hysteria that promulgates sports "injuries." I go to a cycling class at my gym and the instructor is constantly harping on us to wipe down our bikes with antibacterial wipes and to wash our hands and forever warning us to be careful about positioning our bodies "correctly" so we don't get: carpal tunnel, shoulder spurs, tendonitis, knee pain, low back pain, a torn ACL etc. etc. etc.
Fortunately for me, I didn't start this class until after I read Sarno, so I can shake my head "no" so the conditioning doesn't stick in my ears and laugh a little to myself about his mother hen routine (silently, of course).
Unfortunately, one of the women who is a morning class regular with me wasn't able to do that. She suddenly developed shoulder pain (coinciding with her decision to continue to be a stay-at-home mom rather than commute 30+ miles for the only decent job offer she had) and is contemplating surgery after the cortisone injection didn't work.
I broke my "no prosyletizing" rule and told her that I too had had shoulder pain and that reading The Mindbody Prescription by Dr. Sarno had enabled me to get back to normal. This was before the cortisone shot. I wasn't surprised to hear that she'd gone ahead with it, just sad for her and even sadder to hear she was seeing an orthopedic surgeon.
What can we do though but mind our own beeswax and hope that someday they might find their way to the solution like we did?
I wish you continued success with your therapist and I have to say it does sound like you found a good one, someone who's willing to stay with you and peel the layers. |
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My first psychotherapy session
