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tmsjptc
USA
124 Posts |
 Posted - 12/10/2011 : 08:11:08
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| New here. Short version is that after nearly 16 years of chronic headaches and upper back, shoulder, and neck pain I am 95% pain free after only two months since first reading Sarno's books. Thank God! Posting now to see if anyone has overcome a different issue - helping your spouse. My wife was in a car accident and broke 7 vertebrae in her neck in 11 places and then had neck fusion surgery done. That was 14 years ago. She lives with pain that comes and goes to varying degrees and she attributes it to many things (scar tissue, the weather, etc). But, unlike me, she doesn't complain much about it. But, she is always on her massager and/or heat pad and she avoids most normal activities. I want so much to help her, but since I didn't have a traumatic accident she believes that the relief I've received won't work for her. She won't even let me talk about it. I can even see that she visibly starts to hurt more when I mention it. Anyone go through this? What did you do? |
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shari
USA
85 Posts |
Posted - 12/10/2011 : 10:01:53
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One day the rain, the wind and the sun had a dispute over which of them had more strength than the others. When they saw a man with a big coat walking on the road, they made a bet: which of the rain, the wind or the sun could succeed in getting the coat off the man's back. So the rain started to pour all it could on the man, but the more it poured, the more the man huddled in his coat, until the rain gave up. Then the wind took its turn and started to blow on the traveler. But the more it blew, the harder the man hung on to his coat, until the wind gave up. Then the sun took its turn and started to shine. The more it shone, the hotter it got, and the traveler finally took off his coat.
Just a little story to illustrate that we can't force our beliefs or convictions on others. All we can do is warm to others so they may open up and talk about their pains and emotions. If your wife doesn't complain much about her pain, it could be that, as a girl, she was taught that complaining was a bad thing. You may encourage her to confide to you when she is in pain and help her deal with her emotions and stresses.
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2011 : 15:44:43
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I agree with Shari, you cannot force things onto her. Perhaps this might work better for you......start to look at who you are being around the situation. Are you making her wrong, and telling her she "should" or "needs" to do it your way? This isn't going to work! Maybe it's more about you than her.....maybe you want her to do it your way for your own selfish reasons, and she is picking up on this....maybe not.
Try and get into her world and really understand her and what is going on for her WITHOUT and agenda! Give up on her doing it the Sarno way and just try and help her. Once she trusts you really have an understanding of her world then you can communicate the BENEFITS you have got from the Sarno way. She has to see the benefits for herself and be inspired.....and only then is there a possibility of her being open to it.
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tmsjptc
USA
124 Posts |
Posted - 12/13/2011 : 12:51:57
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| Darko, you are so incredibly on target! One of my repressed emotions resulted in me thinking I always had to be the smartest one in any situation. My wife knows this better than anyone. When I tried to tell her about this solution, she basically saw it as me trying to show her that I'm smarter than her. Since the pain hasn't been a stumbling block for her like it was for me, she was offended that I was basically minimizing her ability to cope. I have been trying to "get into her world" as you say, and realized that much of my behavior was actually offending her unconsciously and causing her pain. As a result of being liberated from my pain, I have been less of an offense to her and I've actually seen an improvement in her daily pain level. For this I am very thankful. But, a couple of days ago her mother came for a visit and she was in severe pain again. I know what it is from but now it is hard to suggest what is causing it without her realizing that I am coming at her with my "Sarno knowledge". So, I didn't. I just massaged her painful areas and prayed for her and talked about her mom's visit without explaining why. She actually got quite a bit of relief just from doing that. I'm going to remain hopeful in time that she will realize something helps by talking about it and I'll be able to share more. |
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jaya
USA
175 Posts |
Posted - 12/15/2011 : 06:01:34
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| my wife is so "smart" she doesnt believe the brain has anything to do with anything..she thinks the tms concept is bunk..so not to sound selfish or negative but.. if it works for you thats all that matters, trying to convince your other half of tms concepts is an anxiety provoking experience in my book.it turns into an ocd type thing trying to convince other people of your progress-my family just thinks im nuts... you cant help people who have no interest in being helped,,even if they are the love of your life. kinda like looking the other way when someones robbing a bank. sorry so blunt this is also a sore subject with me. |
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tmsjptc
USA
124 Posts |
Posted - 12/15/2011 : 17:22:03
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| Jaya, I hear you. It's not just my wife. I want to help other people now that I know this works and I see that it would help them. Some listen, some think I'm nuts. Because one of my triggers is people ignoring me when I'm telling them something, I have noticed that I have to be careful to not too fully hope they will listen. I tell myself upfront that they just don't know any better. Sorry to hear this is a sore subject with you but I appreciate your input. |
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balto
839 Posts |
Posted - 12/16/2011 : 15:11:34
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I'm very careful with who I would offer advice or help. This forum is the only place I feel free to say whatever I want due to its anonimous nature. I don't offer help to someone face to face unless I know for sure he/she is open to what I am going to say. Mindbody issue is a very touching subject. Some people may get offended if we offer unsolicited advice or help. They probably fear others may think there is something wrong mentally with them.
Instead of offering help, I usually tell him/her about my story, my struggle with tms/anxiety and how I got over it. And usually that will help people be more open to the idea of mindbody treatment. And if they're seem interest then I will continue... |
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Ace1
USA
1040 Posts |
Posted - 12/18/2011 : 10:05:22
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| Hi, I'm a physician and I have had many patients complain in the past about bringing up the tms thing. Just like balto said it, they think its ok for you to have a defective personality but they don't. My best advice is just focus on getting 100% better first, help the friends that seem open when your out with your wife, you'll find a few people who get better and your wife will see this and over time she will naturally accept it. You don't have to do anything proactive. Just accept her belief the way it is now. |
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tmsjptc
USA
124 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2012 : 12:30:04
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| Just updating this post based on some GREAT news. My wife yesterday acknowledged that her pain probably is due to internal conflict and anxiety. This was so HUGE. I had stepped back in an unoffending way until she realized it on her own. Now she is open to hearing about TMS and how it can help her. I am so excited. I expect to have some good progress reports in the future and will update here. It may be helpful to others. My wife has had neck fusion surgery and lived with pain for the last 13 years. |
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Despite my progress spouse won't consider it
