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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
 Posted - 11/15/2011 : 21:34:40
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I didn't really want to post this cause it's very personal and I was concerned about what people might think of me.......then I realized I was concerned about a bunch of people I've never seen or spoken to who suffer from the same crap I suffer from. Then I realized that if this can help someone then it's not my right to keep it from you. The actual post is below, unedited or polished.
hope it helps in someway.
I’m just throwin this out there I haven’t really given much thought to how appliciable it may be. I just wanted to share what I’m dealing with and to see if anyone could draw upon it or contribute. It’s taken me years of pain, agony and suffering to come to this point. Seeing that we’re all type A-ish personalities one can only assume that we are all wanting success of some sort, whatever it is, in out lives…..and there is a good chance we don’t have it. I know I don’t have the success I seek, both financially and generally in life….I want to be in charge of my own time.
I’ve had an interesting time of late, my eye has flared up yet again with Iritis/uveitis. This would have to be about the 7-8th episode in the last 5 years, backpain is all over the place. I recently had a new symptom where my neck was extremely sore on my right side. Difficult to live with to say the least, but more interesting is the internal upheaval I have been going through in and around the fact that I am now turning 35 years old and have mostly been fluffing around with my life. Don’t get me wrong, compared to some people I’m amazing. I’ve done property development and made money, stock trading, business and have a career in IT….I can get things done, but it’s not with ease and grace. Anyone of these things could have made me a multi-millionaire but none have…….upon reflection there is only one common element here…..ME! Yes folks I am the cause of my life and all the suckery that is in it. What the hell does this have to do with TMS??? Well when I really sat down looked at this straight in the eye…..I felt angry….really really pissed-off, RAGE in fact. It is my fault that my life is full of mediocrity and I simply cannot stand it anymore……it makes me sick in the gut, and the rage is right there……yet I didn’t really think I was angry about anything. I thought I had dealt with all that crap. This is very confronting to look at and admit…..that’s why I’m sharing it with you all.
When I look up iritis with Louise Hays, she says it’s not wanting to look at the things in your life or frustration with what you see. …interesting right? So I am holding myself back with fear and anxiety….which in turn might be pissing me off deep down, thus all the pain and suffering. Now I might well be wrong with what I am saying, but this is more to provoke thought in those who are suffering…..I could never see this on my own. It wasn’t until I kept pushing myself that it showed up……I kept pushing despite my pain holding me back for years. Ultimately it seems the pain is there to serve only a scared little mind from being pushed out of the way so I can become the outward expression of greatness that I am. There is a massive payoff in me keeping my pain around, I get to remain small, I get to be in agreement with all the ****ty beliefs and stories I have of this world and I get to make my negative deep seated beliefs of myself right. I’m not good enough, smart enough organised enough……I don’t know how, I’ll loose money, people will laugh. F*CK THAT! I will no longer live in the shadow of a scared little boy. I will no longer live in agreement with my minds viruses…..I see you now little subconscious, I see your weakness…….and more importantly I see your soft and chewy inside.
Will my pain ease? I don’t know and frankly I don’t give a dam…..because I know one thing for sure. Nothing and I mean not a single freakin thing on this earth is going to stop me from living the life I deserve to live, even if it kills me, as I would rather die than live this life of quiet desperation. I have an expectation that the universe MUST serve me. As for the pain....I now choose it….I love it and I forgive myself, because without it I wouldn’t be the extraordinary being that I am. I don’t know how things will change from here……but I have again been reminded that my greatest curse is also my greatest treasure….I am free
The universe teaches us in ways we don’t understand, everything is leading to something. It’s not about the pain………it’s about me……it’s always been about me….the pain is a distraction. What are you focusing on?
that's it
D
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Wodg
Australia
89 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2011 : 05:21:49
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That's my problem ME! I'm exactly in you situation. Scared of life. I've always had it easy because of my family, my intelligence and looks, I'm naturally good at everything I do. A mate said to me the other day that he has had to work for everything, his wife, his job and his health. I haven't had to do anything and cruised. He got a bit annoyed at me telling me this.
I know what I have to do yet I will take the easy way out "I'm in too much pain!" blah blah blah
The times in my life I have taken action everything falls into place but then BAM! TMS and excuse after excuse.
I am the problem and always have been. I know I could be having a much better, more successful life and it makes my blood boil.
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yogaluz
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2011 : 07:50:05
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YES! My words, your pen. I've allowed my pain or symptoms to act as reinforcements for what lurks in my psyche - that I can't truly achieve what I dream of. "I'm not talented enough to make it happen but that doesn't matter because this pain won't let me anyway." The end result is that rather than being the artist I want to be, I'm working as a glorified secretary so my family can have health insurance. No surprise that this week, I developed a new lovely pain that only bothers me when I lay down. The pain in my shoulder is so intense that I can't sleep yet when I'm sitting up, I can barely feel it. Hmmmm.. maybe my psyche's telling me to quit taking this laying down and start living the life I too deserve and dream of.
Thanks for the insightful post - I'm so glad you decided to share this.
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
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I don't know what to put here
