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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
 Posted - 08/30/2011 : 14:41:03
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I'm in England (been ex-pat in US for 40 years) visiting my suddenly-dying stepmother and my 92-year-old Alzheimers mother. The plane ride is 11 hours, time difference is 8 hours, and I'm recovering from cancer, but I was ok for first few days, yet today I felt DESPERATELY ill, in pain and exhausted, and I couldn't stop crying. Even large amounts of caffeine couldn't kick-start me.
I talked on Skype for an hour with a Sarno-savvy friend at home, and it really took quite a while to unravel how ANGRY I really am. What I needed to say was that part of me wishes they would "make their transition." My stepmother has gone blind with an inoperable brain tumor, and is barely present, so why are they force-feeding her? And my mum... she just sits in that room with caregivers coming and going, alone, wishing I would come from California to see her, but when I do, it makes almost no difference.
So even from a humanitarian point of view, it seems like it would be better for both of them to die. But what is really pissing me off is the stress of putting my life on hold (again) and traveling so far, using money I don't have for my bills, to visit them when they don't even remotely realize what I'm going through. The thing is, even when they were in good health, they didn't remotely realize what I was going through. So I'm pissed off from an old reservoir, but now it seems quite inappropriate to express it even to myself. On the phone to my friend I was yelling a phrase ending "DAMNIT!" which I can't even bring myself to write here, more or less anonymously. So...
as a goodist and all that, it has been hard to get in touch with my rage about this.
Meanwhile I'm watching a program about 3 injured Afghan vets (no arm, no leg, broken back) who are walking to the North Pole. Hmm.
Cut it out, body, I'm angry, ok?
I'd appreciate any words of wisdom.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
Edited by - Wavy Soul on 08/30/2011 14:44:55 |
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ennio
28 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2011 : 22:40:40
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Wavy, you're dealing with a lot right now to say the least.
As an incorrigible Goodist, I can relate in the sense that I want to at least feel acknowledged if I make a sacrifice for someone else. When it goes unappreciated or unacknowledged, I burn. And no one would ever suspect this because I keep it all in.
My advice is to accept that it's OK to be ANGRY about your difficult situation. Do not feel bad or guilty. You are human. And when you are a goodist and considerate of other people and the good deeds are not returned or noted, the rage is double. Trying to change the rage, or wishing you weren't angry can make the pain worse in my experience.
Also, it's great that you're writing about it. I always hate writing in an effort to deal with rage, but after I'm done journaling I always feel better and more in touch with things I don't want to face.
Best wishes to you and all that you are dealing with. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 04:29:49
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Harsh words perhaps, but I wouldn't have gone. I don't see impoverishing yourself financially, emotionally, and physically for two people who aren't going to appreciate it.
Of course I well understand the goodist impulse. But in this case, you're getting no bang for your goodist buck. I have the sense that this whole thing is making you feel worse about yourself, not better.. |
Edited by - art on 08/31/2011 09:10:23 |
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 05:42:08
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Dear Wavy,
I love your honesty about this. For me, the key is this reservoir of anger; that these are people who didn't respect you when you needed them, so now it infuriating that either they expect attention from you now, or you feel driven to do it by your goodist nature, even though you know what it will take out of you. Your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable.
Perhaps it will help to look at this as insurance, seeing as you are already committed and there. It's painful and exhausting now, but in the future you will look back and think 'At least I was there, at least I did as much as I could have been expected to do'. So when the end comes, you will be able to draw a line under it more effectively, and not have regrets about what you 'should' have done. Goodism sucks, doesn't it?!
Personally, I think I would not want to linger and cling in pain as some people do; but it's their lives, they have to act according to their lights. They must have a lot of fear about what is to come, the great unknown. At base, you must have compassion for that, which is why you're there. Bless you for that.
Anyway, this will pass. In the meantime, just get as much sleep and soothe time as you can. That's all you need to do - be a presence for them, and take care of yourself. Good luck!
Joy |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 11:58:16
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Wow! I can't say how helpful it was to get these responses - even Art saying "no enough bang for my goodist buck!" ha ha
Thanks.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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balto
839 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 15:00:02
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Since it already happened. You've already gone to see them. You can not go back and undo it. Can I suggest this: try forgiveness. Not much you can do to change them or the condition they are in. Let try to forgive them for what they've done or how they live their life. We are all different due to our life circumstances. I'm sure they would choose differently if they have the financial or emotional strength to do it. Forgive them, forgive yourself for allowed yourself to do thing you don't want to do. Just say it out loud: I forgive them for... I forgive myself for... then move on with your life.
There will always be people in our life who will pissed us off or do wrong things to us, we can either try to distance ourself from them or just learn how to forgive them. Forgive and really mean it. Not sure if you want to try but it does help me tremendously in dealing with many of my anger toward people who did wrong to me in my past. I believe our subconstious mind do recognize our act and thought of "forgiveness" and cancel out many of those repressed rages. |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 15:50:29
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Ah yes, FORGIVENESS: Warning: Rant coming!
Thanks, Balto. That feels right for me, right now, along the lines of what you said about the fact that I'm already here, and it's best not to resist what I can't change, and so on...
But (and) I'm not sure about forgiveness as an overall policy; of course, I know all the ideas about it (including what Christ said), but this TMS stuff isn't about ideas. In other words, in my mind I HAVE forgiven them - decades ago, and repeatedly since - in the sense of understanding and having compassion for how they got to where they are and how they are. I've forgiven myself, too, multiply, voluminously, and literally for about 30 years.
And yet despite all this, I still go through bouts of these agonizing symptoms, and my expression of my anger is just a way to get in touch with the fact that I AM angry, which seems necessary in order for me not to think something is seriously wrong physically. It doesn't mean (in my case) that I believe someone out there is REALLY "bad" or causing something in me. The naughty, negative beliefs I have been expressing (above) are my way of grabbing one end of the rope, the other end of which are my unconscious feelings.
It's a nuanced dance, to acknowledge the rage without buying into ridiculous, victimy, blamey or just generally unproductive beliefs. It's messy, in my experience. Most of my clients (I'm a therapist) need to go through stages of saying a lot of negative stuff before they can release anger (or fear or sadness), even though these feelings aren't exactly the same as the negative beliefs - more like instinctual energies that get suppressed, it seems to me.
Because I "know" all this, I sometimes get tricked into feeling as though my symptoms are real, not just because of the underlying feelings I'm avoiding. For example, with my stepmother, I know just how she got to be the narcissist she was. I empathize. In fact, I'm naturally very empathic. Sometimes this empathy can work against me.
To complete my rant, I'll say that I had a client years ago who had been forced into forgiveness by participating in one of the many "spiritual" therapies that preach it as the dogma of dogmas. She had been sexually abused by her father in Italy for about 10 years (which he arrogantly admitted). When she began to remember this, these "forgiveness" preachers bullied her into "forgiving" him, and she became epileptic. Acknowledging her anger and being given permission to NOT forgive him actually lessened her seizures considerably, but not completely. The forced forgiveness was almost a worse abuse.
Having said all this, I feel as though I've ranted enough about these "mums" and it feels like a relief now, to have thoughts of release and forgiveness. As I said, this stuff feels like a subtle, narrow path.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 16:10:20
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"In other words, in my mind I HAVE forgiven them - decades ago, and repeatedly since - in the sense of understanding and having compassion for how they got to where they are and how they are. I've forgiven myself, too, multiply, voluminously, and literally for about 30 years."
And therein lies the problem. Short of some major spiritual epiphany, it's well nigh impossible to forgive deeply hurtful wrongs forever. There's no official "FORGIVENESS" button we can push, no resolution strong enough to withstand the vicissitudes of human thought and emotion...In plain English, we get pissed off all over again.
I agree that this is a very dicey issue. One must be careful. Forgiveness is a good thing of course, but one has to be ready. Otherwise, all internal hell can break loose. TMS notwithstanding, anger is sometimes a valid, healthy emotion.
In my experience, the more we can pity the folks who've hurt us, the easier it becomes to forgive them. In fact, I'd say they're the very same thing.
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Edited by - art on 08/31/2011 16:13:53 |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 17:51:26
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The fact that you say "pitying them works" emphasizes for me that the situation is about power. Those who hurt us have a strange, invisible power over us - we were small and they were big, mostly. So forgiving them when they are still robust, or still doing "it" unconsciously feels dangerous - they won't get it and they will do it again. If I can pity them, they can no longer hurt me, presumably.
There is a very well thought out explanation of forgiveness by Colin Farrell, called Radical Forgiveness, which is similar to how I work with it, when I'm working with people: At his seminar we had to get in touch with our intense rage at whoever it was and yell or beat pillows BEFORE we even heard the word forgiveness. Then he taught a metaphysical approach in which you understand that everyone is simply playing their part in your journey, for your evolutionary benefit. So before lives, you have a party: I'll play your abandoning mother, "cool," I'll play your drug-addicted son," and so on.
Then there is the after-life party where Oscars are handed out - no forgiveness need not apply. It says in Course in Miracles that the true perspective knows there was nothing to be forgiven.
I've found this approach works well, and when I first did it as a student in his seminar, I had a very long list of crimes done to me by my ex that was taking people's breath away, yet I was fairly giggly about the whole thing by the end.
Worth reading that book.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2011 : 19:39:14
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That certainly has merit Wavy, and it's all very well expressed. Perhaps it's my temperament but I tend to look at things a bit differently.. Simply put, there's so much anger in the world, and in ourselves, because anger is in its essence a defense against pain. It's the emotion that gives us the ability to defend ourselves on whatever level is required...
The pain of love, once felt, will always defuse anger because now it's too late. The energy required to fight is simply gone. Poof. Into the night We wilt in the presence of love, and become babies again. Helpless, defeated, and full of need. We forgive when we feel love (and pity is a form of love) because we no longer have the strength to do otherwise...
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Naughty feelings
