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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
 Posted - 06/02/2011 : 04:25:27
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I have noticed a few people have troubling family issues, and feel that this can be a factor in our TMS symptoms. This is something very close to my heart, so I thought I'd start a fresh thread on it. I have found several books to be very useful in my journey to disassociate myself from my dysfunctional family: Susan Forward's 'Toxic Parents', Victoria Secunda's 'When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends', and Karyl McBride's 'When Will I Ever Be Good Enough'. I'm sure there are more, and Alice Miller seems to have her finger on the pulse too.
Briefly, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (there are some good websites out there if you want to explore this), my father is critical, misogynist and self-centred, and both parents controlled my sister and I through shame (my husband neatly expressed it 'Your father wasn't your teacher, he was your examiner!') They both instilled in me a deep belief that I was flawed, inadequate and unable to cope, while still being responsible for their moods and happiness; I believe that this sensitised my nervous system (I was always 'on guard' to their moods), and also convinced me that there is always something 'wrong' in me - hence I am always subconsciously scanning my body for what is wrong, and boy, do I find it! Being 'okay' and 'acceptable' was scary and unfamiliar - I was taught that the world was unsafe, and I was insecure in it. My brother was the Golden Boy of the family - seriously, their attitude to him was akin to worship! - and it took me until adulthood to realise that just by being a girl I was a disappointment to them.
But my brother has paid the price. In his forties, though he has a decent job and is decent-looking, they have weakened his will with their spoiling, and he still lives with my parents. My father is ill, and my mother has made my brother into her 'pseudo-husband'; she has seen off all his girlfriends and fiancees, and now my brother lives to serve her, spending all his money and spare time on taking her on holidays, and escorting her out to dinner on her wedding anniversary and birthday (while my father languishes at home). Is she grateful? Hell, no! She remains constantly unsatisfied and self-pitying, to ensure his narcissistic supply keeps coming. He is anorexic. My sister, who lives next-door to her, is anorexic, and still horribly enmeshed with my mother, though she is married. They are both desperately unhappy, but when they try to express this to my mother, she has no sympathy for them, insisting only that she has it the worst of anyone (although she doesn't work, is healthy, and lives only to holiday, shop and drink). They are aware that I am separating from them (and blame my husband, of course - how could anyone want to leave their lovely family?!) And they would looove for me to come back and try to 'fix' them all, as they expected when I was a child (an impossible task).
Of course, they did a number on me before I left - I could tell you a thousand stories (and probably will later! :-D) It was difficult for me to realise what was happening, and then, initially, painful to start to pull away and heal myself. It's still an ongoing process. People who had decent parenting (not 'perfect' because that's impossible!) don't always understand how deep and long-lasting the damage can be. Emotional abuse can be just as distressing as physical abuse or neglect, though it's less obvious.
But as with TMS, knowledge is power. I do think that my parenting was a big cause of my TMS, but understanding that and dealing with it is part of the journey to health.
Just my thoughts for the day! I hope, if someone recognises this, that it will of some help, even if it's just to know you're not alone. Though I'm writing about unhappy things, I'm doing it with hope! J |
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healingback
United Kingdom
134 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2011 : 09:54:45
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Hi Joy, just wanted to say what an excellent post. i think alot of us here can agree that relationships with our parents can contribute and indeed cause tms.
my mum sounds much like yours, and again like yours my father is very sick, my mum has completely passed the buck onto me to be the adult, and deal with my fathers situation (he is in a care home) she has completely washed her hands of any responsiblity to do with him.
she likes to play "mum" with the making of my meals and doing my washing (stuff ive told her i will do, but of course when i do its not done well enough or up to her standard, in the end its just easier to let her do it) but when it comes to emotional support she doesnt want to know. but she demands to know and will throw tantrums like a child if your not emotional there for her.
My dad on the other hand has completely given up on life due to the illness, and i am just a person to take out agression onto.
so i know what you mean, its only very recenty that ive seen the impact that my parents have had on me and im trying to deal with it in a mature way but part of me just wants answers as to why i feel im the only adult and the one who has to hold it together.
This to shall pass.... |
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yogaluz
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2011 : 17:53:45
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Joy, I really connected with your story. My mother has NPD as well and I believe my early life with her sensitized me just as you describe. I also had to plug in and assess her mood and then try my best to help stabilize it. This upbringing has left me a highly sensitive person who also struggles with feeling as though I have no intrinsic worth beyond assuaging others' emotions. Now that I'm an adult, I tend to vacillate between trying to please people and then very angrily lashing out at them when I've reached my limit of feeling put upon. My friendships are fraught with difficulties as a result and it's left me feeling isolated (though I rather remarkably have a fairly stable, loving marriage and two fabulous daughters - I've somehow learned to manage my feelings better with those I'm closest to).
I too had to break away from my mother (I'm an only child and my father is dead so it was a bit tricky), just as you're needing to break from your family and it is extremely painful but liberating at the same time. I've spent periods of years not speaking to my mother to protect my own emotional state and in the end, that wasn't a solution for me as I still worried about her and on some level missed her. I suppose every person has to decide what works best for them and for some, complete separation is necessary.
Thanks for sharing your story and for making the connection between NPD parents and TMS kids - what a sad legacy.
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2011 : 07:56:02
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Hi Healingback and Yogaluz,
I'm sorry you've both had the N-Moms to contend with. I was just saying in another post that, when we didn't get proper care as a child, we feel that lack into adulthood. And it's particularly enraging when our parents start needing (or demanding!) care, because we think 'Hey, I haven't had my turn yet! When do I get to be the kid, and to get the unconditional love, and the caretaking? I'm not done yet!'
I see now that my mother wanted to marry a father figure, and my father wanted a mother figure, and their whole marriage was a battle to make the other take care of them; our needs as children were the last thing on the agenda. In fact, speaking up for our needs was dangerous, they would absolutely demolish you with shame - easy to do to a little kid (hence, I think, the body 'spoke up' instead).
And I think that it can be an absolute lifesaver when we find a good spouse or partner! Someone who loves us and wants us to be okay, regardless of 'what's in it for them' or how 'good' we are. This can sometimes mean that they catch the sharp edge of our tongues, as we 'get our angries out' and fight to make sense of the world; really, it's because they've given us our first safe forum to do so! I just make a special effort to mutually support my husband, and appreciate him, and basically, not behave like my parents!
Hey, we're here to learn! And we're here to help each other. Especially on this forum!  I love it. |
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Uma
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2011 : 08:44:25
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"And it's particularly enraging when our parents start needing (or demanding!) care, because we think 'Hey, I haven't had my turn yet! When do I get to be the kid, and to get the unconditional love, and the caretaking? I'm not done yet!'"
Hi Joy, this is really great and I've been thinking about this recently: In many other cultures, it is quite normal for the children to take care of and even live with the aging parents and it is done as an honor. In our culture it usually seems like a burden and many aging parents are placed in homes and spend a lot of time alone—more like an annoyance than elders revered for their wisdom. This used to make me really sad, and still does..  but lately I've been thinking that it is really somehow karma—the parents didn't properly care for their kids and now their kids are returning the favor by abandoning them in their old age.
Anyway thanks for posting about this and I look forward to hearing more! |
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 06/08/2011 : 02:58:20
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Yeah, the karma came around pretty quickly with my parents! Thing is, I am actually very fond of old people, I 'gel' with them, appreciate their experiences and their take on things, and have lots of patience and even appreciation for their slower pace. It's just my parents who wind me up.
I actually prefer old people to kids, and have never had kids, or anything you could refer to as a maternal instinct; I understand this is pretty standard when you've had a difficult relationship with your mother - your whole psyche rebels against being 'like her' in any way. So I don't expect anyone to look after me in old age unless they're being properly paid for it. In any case, having kids 'to look after me in my old age' - well, that's not child-rearing - that's farming! Laying down a crop to sustain you in leaner times!
Just to be clear, I'm not a kiddie hater! They're fascinating and funny. I'd just rather spend time with oldies. But I do get quite emotional when I see kids relating well to their parents, being listened to and accepted, because I never got that.
But what I REALLY like is animals... |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 06/08/2011 : 19:31:02
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Joy you have written some very interesting posts here. There are many things I can relate to. My mom is not a monster as such. She had a difficult life with my father and when he died she had 2 daughters to raise. We never wanted in terms of material stuff & to be fair she did love us. Things went sour when my sister & I decided to live our own lives, move out on our own & marry non-Indians, which she just can’t deal with. She’s all about being a good Indian although she took to wearing skirts and western clothes after getting married to my father here in HK & thinks she’s a great Hindu although she wasn’t a practising one till much later in life. Basically we are both BAD BAD girls because we did what WE wanted to instead of what SHE wanted us to do.
Today she pretty much still relies on me for help not financial but other things. Like moving her from her old flat into the new one. She will call me up and say ‘This isn't working’ or ‘I can’t find this’ as if it is my fault and expects me to help, which I do. I don’t mind helping, it’s just the way she comes across. She’s always looking for faults rather than focussing on the positive & that really gets to me. She won't for example give my sister credit for marrying a great guy who singlehandedly & very successfully looks after her & their children so that she doesn't have to work and for having 2 absolutely adorable children whom she does not wish to see, or me for having a really great husband and retiring at the age of 48 and then going on to do something totally different & being very successful at it. All she can say is that we disappointed her & shamed her by marrying non Indians & for that she will never forgive us. DUH!!!
There is no doubt that many Indian parents still live with their children in their old age but that too is changing & India is now facing an aging population that has no place to live and no means of looking after themselves. There are no social security services whatsoever for the elderly in India & many people of the previous generation simply did not have surplus income that they could put aside for their old age. This generation however is very different in the way they have planned for the future & it seems that there is less expectation from their own children to look after them.
This is indeed sad as old people have so much to offer. I chose to live with my very active grandfather for 12 years and looked after him until he died. He gave me so much unconditional love & would tell me such interesting stories about our family, his life in Pakistan before the partition, the actual nightmare the family faced while coming over to India where they were almost refugees etc etc. I know so much more because of him & feel much more grounded as a result. Many families today could do with the stabilising effect that many of these experienced people bring with them & children especially thrive under the care of their grandparents. I still see this in HK today where many of the grandparents take the children to school & back this gives them something important to do & helps foster a relationship between them & their grandkids.
Maybe that’s why like you Joy I like old people more than kids. I always knew I didn’t want children & have never regretted the decision.
And like you I adore animals & often get myself into trouble trying to rescue them like the time I tried to rescue a Dingo in the Australian outback 
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 06/09/2011 19:43:51 |
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2012 : 08:24:41
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Just popping back in for a quick refresher, because I have been struggling with a month-long bout of sinusitis and fatigue, and forgot to 'Sarnoize' it! Really, it's because my family are raising their dysfunctional heads again.
I just deleted a big, rambling, angry post there, won't subject you to it! :-) Suffice to say, I have spent many years slowly unpicking each clawed finger that keeps my dysfunctional family clinging to me, but every time there is an occasion - birthday, Christmas, mother's day - they use it as an excuse to try to reattach. It means that I feel like I am fighting for my life on a regular basis throughout the year (I hope those of you with similarly dysfunctional families will agree that that's not an exaggeration!)
The latest is some heavy emotional blackmail around a golden wedding anniversary (between my parents, who have hated each other for about 49 of those fifty years, but let's not mention that...). Believe me, there is no genuine feeling there! They show no signs of actually liking me at all - they just live in a backstabbing emotional maelstrom of their own making, and want me back as the Family Fixer, which was my role as a child. They want me to forget or underplay or flat-out deny the damage and bust-ups of the past, and press the 'reset' button, so that we can pretend everything's okay. But I know that any contact with them, or even the prospect of it, makes me angry and ill.
I know I'm going to have to resolve this, I can't keep on with this struggle every time there's a family occasion - Christmas almost finished me! I don't know where to start though. How has anyone else managed a situation like this? Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and be a real bitch. It's just so out of character... No, the annoying thing is that I can usually come up with some excuse, or even downright refusal, but they just come back again the next time and the battle starts all over again, it is like swatting a never-ending attack of hornets...
Oh well, this is a vent, but better out than in! I'm off to write one of those 'F-You' letters that you never send...
Joy |
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Bugbear
United Kingdom
152 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2012 : 10:30:10
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Oh Joy, I really admire your sense of humour in the face of such adversity. Like they say, if you cant have laugh, you'll end up crying. Love the hornets nest analogy.
I am going to look up those books you mentioned. I don't think my mother has a personality disorder. I wish I could put a label on her or explain her behaviour but I can't. I was the last of three children with a big age gap between me and the next child. I can only accept what so many people have told me. I was my parents' 'mistake'. My father and I got on much better towards the end of his life. He was previously violent. But the emotional/psychological violence my mother inflicted on me was so much worse. She is 90 now and I won't ever see her again (she lives in another country). I thought about ringing her but at this stage I don't know what I would say. |
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yogaluz
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2012 : 17:01:11
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Hey Joy, Just saw your update. I too am dealing with sinusitis and am still recovering from Christmas (which I now loath because of issues related to my mother). Re: your parents, I believe it's typical for someone with NPD to deny the difficulties of the past and lay shame and guilt on you for bringing them up or even simply living your life within the boundaries you've created to deal with the past. My mother does this all the time and I find it enraging.
The latest chapter in my NPD mother drama is that mine can no longer afford internet because she overspent and had to file for bankruptcy which means she now CALLS me, rather than emails, and at the end of our conversation tries to tell me she loves me and when I don't respond... well you know how it is. She has so little money and is in fairly poor health and I fear the day I get the call that she can no longer live on her own or needs care. Emotionally, I simply cannot care for her in her old age and it will be a sad and painful conversation to tell her so. I cared for her all through my childhood and young adulthood with basically no childhood of my own and I'll be damned if I'm going to give up my later adulthood to caring for someone who threw her own life away when I have a family of my own to support.
I feel so manipulated by her and yet to completely break away carries with it a deep sense of sadness and devastation. But as I've written in previous posts, I have refused to play along and have had to stay away from my mother completely for long stretches of time (years in fact). When I did steer clear of her, I was left feeling like "a real bitch" (to use your words) when in fact, I was just saving myself. Try not to think of standing up to your parents as cruelty on your part - you're actually showing kindness to yourself and in some odd way, to them as well by not enabling them.
I guess I'm not offering any answers, only you can know whether you can have these people in your life on any level - just relating to your situation and agreeing as to how sick these dysfunctional relationships can make us. Funny, until I read your post, I wasn't attributing my sinusitis and joint pain to issues with my mother (I have enough other stressors in my life to go around) but will have to re-examine that one. There is a slow fire of resentment that burns in me constantly around this issue that no amount of therapy or mindfulness has been able to extinguish. The only thing that seems to bring me complete peace is snorkeling in Hawaii Seriously, I consider moving there to put an ocean between me and my mother. Maybe we should start a colony on Maui - daughters of NPD mothers and their pets
Think I'll go write one of those letters myself....
pain is inevitable, suffering optional |
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andy64tms
USA
589 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2012 : 17:19:34
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Hi Joy_I_am,your email sent shivers down my spine. I too had a dis-united family in the United Kingdom. I have put some of it in my Bio so I can refer back to it. It is a sort of letter to myself. I encourage you to do the same and write to your Bio.It really helped me
Andy |
Edited by - andy64tms on 02/26/2012 17:20:39 |
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Marlawantstohike
USA
48 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2012 : 22:34:23
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Joy, I could write a book on how my childhood has affected me.
Just wrote a long post and deleted it as it got too long and involved.
Email me and I will share with you. I have major issues with my mom also.
So many times we do things out of guilt and feeling like we have to. That's how I see your anniversary party.
Take care...marla
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2012 : 04:26:29
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Marla, I don't tend to put my email address out there, but know that I truly do sympathise with you - it's hard to convey the damage these parents can do unless you've been through it yourself - and then you REALLY 'get it'!
A light-hearted incident on that topic: we had to take my MIL out for mother's day recently. She was sitting on my left side at lunch, and when I got up to leave the table afterwards, I realised that the whole left side of my body had gone numb! Just like when you sleep on your arm and wake with pins and needles. It can't have been circulatory, just on the left side, and I hadn't been leaning on anything, or even aware of a physical tension. But I knew what it was straight away, and lo, it wore off when we dropped her back home, lol!
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 15:12:41
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Yes, this is my experience too - a toxic family. Not just dysfunctional, not even well-meaning much of the time. I've been dealing with a kind of giant burp of all my family issues in the last year because several of them died and left in their legacies a kind of print-out of all the narcissistic and toxic energies they carried, and as the last living family member (other than my mum who is 92 with Alzheimers and has now become gentle after being majorly verbally abusive my whole life) I've been forced to face it down, and deal with it.
Prior to that I had dealt with it by leaving the UK, which was a good move, but of course I carried it within me as TMS. Now I'm grateful for the "burp" because even though my reactions to these traumatic memories have included a brief visit with cancer, I truly feel I am feeling and healing the last of it all.
My fave books about this stuff, in addition to some you mentioned JoyIAm, are Walking on Eggshells, about living with a borderline person, and Children of the Self-Absorbed, about having narcisstic parents. The latter is good in that it defines kinds of narcissism that are a bit more hidden, which was useful for me. The general idea is that borderlines marry narcissists, btw, and most of us on this board are more likely towards the borderline camp, but many of us may have had parents who were, at some level, if not "clinically," a borderline and a narcissist. Being in the middle of this is so conflicting and confusing that no wonder our lil bodies need to distract us from the almost incomprehensible emotional chaos we can hold within.
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 19:48:59
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Yogaluz, you said: "There is a slow fire of resentment that burns in me constantly around this issue that no amount of therapy or mindfulness has been able to extinguish. The only thing that seems to bring me complete peace is snorkeling in Hawaii Seriously, I consider moving there to put an ocean between me and my mother."
And the ocean didn't work for me. I have had a similar journey, but now she has Alzheimers and is in UK. Everyone in my family and around my family put huge pressure on me to give up my life in the US to go and sit and have the same conversation with her every minute.
So I can absolutely relate to this "slow fire" thing,...
What I have found difficult is that for many people I know, their family is annoying and even painful, but there is some redemption available. For me, it has been so disappointing as one after another dies and even at the end, no change.
Just sharing this because it is helpful to get it out - I have been very resistant to journaling recently so thanks. xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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ozagnes
Australia
23 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 19:55:36
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Hi all,
I guess this topic is the right place to tell my story and seeck advice!
I have a disfunctional family growing up with a depressed verbally abusive, sometimes violent, suicidal mother, who kicked out my irresponsible, emotionally detached, and lets face it, lazy father. So me and my brother were left to be abused by my "dragon" mother as we call her.
I left Europe 10 years ago, and live in Australia, but last month I went back for a month, for my yearly "duty" of visiting my relatives. Only this time, after 3 years of chronic pain and having just discovered TMS 3 months earlier, I was pregnant.
It was the worse trip in my life, every single day I was only hoping I was in Australia. My brother who's developed serious anxiety disorders abused me, like a bully, telling me how much I disapoint him as a sister (cause I live far away), as an aunt to his children (because I don't play all day long with them while jetlag and having morning sickness, hello??!!!), and I would probably be a bad mother as well. I tried to talk to my mother, who's in complete denial about what she did to us and why (she was sexually abused by her father, but she's still convinced her chronic depression is because of my father...and she says my grandfather was a good person as he taught her to be a perfectionist...seriously!!!???). She, as always, justifies her past actions with "better shout out loud and pass your nerves on someone than develop cancer later on". Great, who's got the cancer now? And then my father, that as always puts himself in bad situations and we have to get him out of it. He always promises, but never takes action.
Maybe because I was more emotionnally aware this time, maybe because of hormones and self-preservation instinct, I don't know, but this trip really enraged me. I have been struggling since coming back here, of course the pain has increased because 1) being stressed I feared it might come back 2)I was thrown into my childhood environment and toxic relationships and therefore my newly gained self-confidence was shatered.
I just don't want to talk to them, any email that I receive from them, text, phone call, all stresses me out terribly, I just want to be left alone! I have to think and concentrate around my first child that is due in 6 months, but I have no room, I keep on dreaming and thinking about my brother etc...
But I feel so much guilt if I don't respond, like it is my family and therefore my duty to help them, support them.
How do you deal with that?
I feel so frustrated, and suffocated, I feel like I am a prisoner of my family.
How do you get out of the victim role when the perpetrator is of your own blood?
I have to stand out for myself but I feel like I am that little girl again, powerless, that can only take the hit and cope as best as she can...
Agnes |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2012 : 22:53:52
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Dear Ozagnes,
I really support you in completely protecting yourself both inside and out from these toxic influences. I understand the guilt you feel - I have been through similar stuff and my sister was similar to your brother - but the most important thing for you to focus on is your own peace of mind and thus your health and your baby's health.
It's not your job to take on these people. Many of us have been through the process of realizing that our families are not really our families. We have created new families, CHOSEN families, with our friends and chosen loved ones. This is sometimes necessary. If something or someone makes you sick, there is no reason on earth to keep subjecting yourself to it. If you think about it, it's not even good for your family if their unconscious behaviors make you sick. It would actually be better for them if you stayed away.
Certainly if you believe in karma, or people getting the results of their actions, it's a good idea to stay away from people you feel hurt by, so that you don't continue the negative accumulations of bad stuff between you.
I know for myself I have had to wrestle a lot with this. Sometimes I have felt like the most conscious and aware person in my family, and I have tried to go back with an open heart, and all kinds of practice of "good boundaries," etc. But I have to say that many, many times, I have come back to America (my family's in England) with various kinds of illness.
In fact, I remember my back going "out" after visiting my father when I hadn't seen him for several years. I had taken a break after a horrible, abusive letter he had written me. Then my guilt got me to visit him, but I was crippled for weeks with back pain. I knew something was up, but I didn't know as much about TMS as I now do.
I'm really relieved that most of my family has passed on, hopefully to new experiences in other realms!
Anyway, please think of yourself first, and keep coming here to get support, or anywhere else that you can get validation that you are NOT crazy for what you are feeling. It's easy to feel crazy, because our family defined us when we were too small to know differently, and they can be like a noxious force field for our nervous system even when we are adults.
much love.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
Edited by - Wavy Soul on 03/28/2012 22:55:11 |
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Joy_I_Am
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2012 : 05:10:07
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Dear Ozagnes,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! You sound like a good, thoughtful and sensitive person who is just the type to be a good Mum! And I agree with Wavy, you really are entitled to think of yourself first right now. Self-care is part of the job of being a mother-to-be!
Your family sounds like they are behaving horribly, thinking only of themselves, and really, this will not do for you any more. I read a great phrase the other day, something like: 'I took a clear look at my Family Of Origin (FOO) and thought 'You can do so much better than this!'' It's notable how many of us had to move away to find this out - it's harder to see when you're engulfed in their dysfunctional situation, where everyone accepts bad behaviour and picks on the weakest. A bit of distance is a wonderful thing (and I think most of us who moved away got criticism for it from our FOO - of course, they could see us escaping from their clutches!)
But physical distance is only the start, and I know just how much they can live in our heads and fill our thoughts. I found it is a stage, something we have to go through to come out on the other side with greater understanding and peace. If you can afford therapy, this would be a good way to start dealing with it. If not, there are a lot of great books out there (which shows just how many of us suffer from dysfunctional families!) I would suggest 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward, 'When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends' by Victoria Secunda, and just about anything about Narcissists - I'm sure others on the site can suggest others. I don't know what your healthcare is like, but could your doctor refer you to a counsellor?
The other thing, though, is not to obsess about them. Perhaps allocate a set time each day when you will think about them, and maybe write about them? It can help to set your feelings down in black and white. These things take a lot of processing, so don't hurry and overwhelm yourself. Then - as with the Sarno 'rage-soothe' cycle - make sure you spend time daily to think positively, do fun, optimistic things, and totally absorb yourself in an enjoyable pastime that will absorb your thoughts and give you some good endorphins!
A lot of us here have 'difficult' family (in fact, we're probably over-represented!) But they don't have to dominate our lives, and they don't have to cause us pain, and we certainly aren't doomed to inflict pain on ourselves because of them! It really is possible to grow up and away from them, to heal, and from the sound of things, you are at the stage where that is starting to happen! Believe me, this is great - much better than not realising the situation must change (look at your brother with his 'severe anxiety' - he's suffering from this too, but he hasn't the will to escape it like you have). It is natural to feel anxiety when you realise things are wrong, but you are very well placed to move forward and grow now.
I'm sure other people will have their own take on this, but please, take heart, keep posting. It can and will be better!
All very best wishes, Joy |
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Bugbear
United Kingdom
152 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2012 : 13:10:53
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What would you like to do regarding the birth, Agnes? Never mind what medical staff want. How can you make this happen? What do you need to do? What do others need to do...or not do?
I look forward to hearing how you progress through the pregnancy. Relax for the baby's sake and for yours. I think it was Joy who mentioned the need for self-care. I second the motion. You've left the others behind. Let them get on with it and focus your attention on you and your new family.
Best wishes. |
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Marlawantstohike
USA
48 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2012 : 14:37:42
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Whats hard now is for the past 15 years she is all sweet, nice and loving towards me and doesn't have a clue I am struggling with these feelings. The time I tried to talk to her she said oh you are just forgetting…it wasn't like that at all. I wanted to say, no mom I know what hearing you and dad scream every night did to me…dad getting drunk every night did to me…
Then she tells me all victim like that she can't handle talking about problems now that she is older, it is bad for her health and would I not talk about or tell her any negative things anymore?
I guess caring what my kids think and thinking I should be a good person is what keeps me thinking I should forgive and take care of her…but i am wondering if this would mentally kill me! |
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ozagnes
Australia
23 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2012 : 19:41:05
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Thanks a lot Wavy and Joy, I feel you really understand where I am, the guilt it produces and the internal conflict puting emotional distance with one's FOO brings.
I am still feeling obligated to provide them with emotional support, probably even more so as I am living far away and sot of want to proove them that physical distance does not mean I don't care, but I know I am an adult now and I have the choice. Only it is a hard choice to make but I am starting to work on it, and with a therapist.
As for the birth Bugbear, I explained in another post my dilemna as I have chronic pelvic pain and specialists have told me that natural birth could make it worse, so C-scetion is the way to go. As much as I understand that my pain is psychological, reality is that my muscles will probably still be tensed by then, so for now I have decided to have a C-section, not so much because it could "damage" me physically, but because the fear itself may well and truly make me worse.
I am not after a miracle (I have stopped when I stopped looking for a medical cure), I know it will probably take some time before I can let go and relax, no need to add extra pressure, and if I am feeling 100% in septembre, then yes I will consider natural birth!
For now my priority is indeed to try to find some space in my head to think about my future family rather than my FOO.
Thank you so much for your support!
:)
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Toxic Parents
