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caligirl
22 Posts |
 Posted - 05/09/2011 : 16:34:40
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My mom was there for me physically when I was a child, but not emotionally. She suffered from severe depression that was never treated. When I became a teenager I started asking her to take me to the movies and shopping, and to travel different places, and it eventually pulled her out of that depression.
Unfortunately, she was married to my father, an alcoholic and closet abuser. Screaming fights were common, and I was always in the middle defending my mom. When I was 18 I had a good paying job and my plan was to take her away from my dad and move us into an apartment together. During this time, my dad developed cancer and begged her to stay, which she did. After my dad died, when I was 21, my husband and I moved in with my mom for a couple of years to save money for a house, which we did and moved about 30 miles away.
Then when I was 25 and pregnant with our first child, I convinced her to come live near us so she could watch after her granddaughter. After a few years, I got it in my head that we could all save money by moving in together, which we did. It didn’t work out, and after two years we sold the home.
You would think I would have learned my lesson, but oh no, after two years my husband was extremely sick with ulcerative colitis, and I knew we needed move away from the rat race environment. So again, I convinced her to move in with us two hours away in a much smaller rural community.
Within six months of this move, I started developing TMS symptoms, and they slowly progressed. I had promised my mom that we would make modifications to the house to suit her needs, however after spending thousands of dollars on what I thought was a horrible illness, we ran out of money. The past seven years her health and wealth has drastically declined and now she is unable to pay her share of the mortgage.
I realized after all these years what a chronic complainer she was and how she motivates with guilt. So, after reading Dr. Sarno, the past year and a half I have been focusing on the TMS theory and trying to set boundaries. I started asking her to stop being negative around me and we didn’t go out to lunch or the movies hardly anymore; partly because of her negativity, but mostly because I couldn’t afford it anymore. She is starting to depend on my brother, and doesn’t want to “bother me”. She doesn’t have any other interests besides TV, and I have been focusing on my own family and on getting better.
Now she is spiraling into a deep depression again and just started dialysis a couple of weeks ago. I feel extremely guilty for all that has happened and I blame myself. Not to mention, every time a decision needs to be made, everyone looks to me. I haven’t even begun to go into my relationship with my husband, which I won’t go into detail with. But he has never taken the reins financially and has not said no to any of this, other than complain about my mom.
What a mess!! Bottom-line…I have made progress with my symptoms, but I keep relapsing. Is my mom making me sick? Should I see a therapist? I am very frustrated. I have also read Claire Weekes, Louise Hay, and am currently reading Feeling Good by David Burns. I practice self talk regularly and listen to a meditation cd at night when I go to bed. What the real kicker is, is that I feel I am not getting better because I am not doing something right. Maybe I just solved the crux of the matter.
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golden_girl
United Kingdom
128 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2011 : 19:35:24
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Hey Caligirl (do you live in California? I wish I did!) What's interesting is that you haven't actually described your symptoms! I say this in a good way - so many of us (myself included!!) introduce ourselves with back pain, knee pain, panic attacks etc. You seem to have a really good understanding of your life situations and your past, and I see myself in "closet abuser. Screaming fights were common, and I was always in the middle defending my mom". I understand, but I don't know how to help 
I am the youngest of four, and have always been considered the 'baby' and therefore I'm not, even now, ever going to have power of attorney (if you have that in the US?!) or ever really be an adult in the eyes of my family (I'm 29 now and my siblings are older in stages of 2 years) but still I feel responsible for all sorts of things. My anxiety/"TMS" meant I lived at home until 3 years ago, and I longed for my mum to escape my dad and take me with her. She was never going to, so I finally went, and my TMS didn't go! But I have less to deal with without my parents.
I have always maintained that we can deal with whatever life throws at us with the right direction - but you have a great understanding of your issues, and so maybe a counselor or therapist of some sort would be the sounding board you need to get things off your chest and give you an outlet?
I wish you all the very best!
"F.E.A.R.
Forgive Everyone And Remember
For Everything A Reason"
Ian Brown |
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caligirl
22 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2011 : 13:54:04
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Yes, I live in a beautiful part of Northern California, and very lucky to be where I am. Funny…I am the baby too! My brother and sister are four and five years older than me, but I was the “responsible one”. I am glad to hear that you are separating yourself from your family somewhat. I think that is a good thing.
I didn’t go into my symptoms because I felt it didn’t really matter much. I know the pain is TMS and does not define who I am. I like to think I have a great understanding of my emotional issues, but I tend to over-think in general. I am a pretty intuitive person and am upfront and honest about things, but I must be missing something because the pain is still there.
I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about 7 years ago, and had severe neck pain, digestive issues, back pain and joint and muscle pain in the beginning. My neck pain is gone entirely and my digestive issues are much better than they were, as well as my joint pain. My back pain is good some days and bad others. About a year ago I also developed hip pain that comes and goes. I am trying to go on with life and not focus on the pain. I was doing really well, but the last few months I have been relapsing and of course I am getting depressed and thinking I will never get better which is perpetuating my symptoms.
I started a pretty intensive workout called P90X at the beginning of the year and I have been doing really well with it and it has been helping my confidence, but I still have body image issues. I am only 105lbs and 5’2”, so go figure. I know this is related to my father verbally abusing my mother regularly and telling her what a fat slob she was when I was growing up. I feel that if I ever get fat no one will love me.
So maybe therapy is my best option. I have seen two therapists in the past with little luck, but maybe I just didn’t find the right fit. I always wonder if I sabotage myself every time I start to get better too. For some reason, I feel I am not worthy of success or happiness. Louise Hay says that Fibromyalgia is really fear masquerading as pain.
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Is My Mom Making Me Sick?
