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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
 Posted - 01/23/2011 : 17:32:31
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I was on here for years searching for the answer to my pain, suffering, depression and anxiety. My pain was so bad for so long I worried greatly about my future. And when I would find it, I was obsessed with how I'd publish it for the world to see, and hope to inspire others with what I did. Like I said in my bio, was I trying to be a hero? Was I that desprate for approval?
I had put my recovery, and eventual story of it on a pedestool, I built an altar to it. No wonders it could'nt happen. I could'nt think about anything else except how to recover. I reached out to so many here, drove to see a tms doc, read too many tms books and literature to mention.
Fast forward to now, and I see a different person. I find my self grateful for all I have, my family, my material things, my job and friends. I'm obsessed now with fitness, and find that even though I get pain, it's at that "background noise" level that you read so many tms'rs talk about when they recover. And for most of the time I'm in no pain at all. I may think about it 1-2% of the time, compared to the 100% (yes I said 100%) of the time I had before. I'm pretty much fine with it, but I could see being even more pain free as the years go on.
A lot of people like to put at this point in their story what helped them, and then give their advice (which I was so grateful for). I thought that when my success came, that I was gonna post it here, and then write a book about it, and cure millions. Thats how bad my pain and suffering was that I was gonna write in detail what a nightmare it was, and how I woke up, and you can too, if you just follow these 3 easy steps, etc...That obsessive egotistical low self esteem thinking appears to be going away more and more. And I think a lot of that has to do with opening up and being "myself" around others and not so much having a chip on my shoulder "I don't care what they think about me", but rather if I click socially with you, then I do, if I don't I don't, no hard feelings, no need for approval.
I don't really know what I'm talking about lol, but maybe you can read thru this dribble and get bits of it that make you think you can relate, and will help you too.
As far as what I think helped my recovery along, besides the Sarno screed which at some point you get the idea, you have to move on. I was unsuccessful finding a decent therapist for me, but I'd have to say that the most helpful things to me was reaching out to others here, seeing a tms doc, reading about the ego from "Tolle" and suprisingly finding a spiritual side (nope, not talkin Jesus freak stuff) of myself that I didnt know existed until I read the "secret" and the "power" by Rhonda Byrne. It's relieved anxieties I did'nt even identify before.
What else? Hmmm....thats all I can muster up for now. Cheers. |
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guej
115 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2011 : 06:20:25
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Yay! I knew you were better, but only thinking about pain 1-2% of the time is unbelievable recovery as far as I"m concerned. I was at that 100% of the time too, and it was maddening. I felt like something had taken possession of my mind and I was watching my life go by through the constant lens of pain. I reached out to you a few months ago and told you I was "you", only about a year behind. I remember reading your posts when I first got on to this forum back in the summer of '09, and then going back and reading your old posts, and thinking, wow, that sounds exactly like me. I thought, if this guy ever gets better, then there is definitely hope for me.
I've watched you slowly come out of this, and that was really key for me to hold on to hope. I stopped coming on this forum regularly, but would occasionally scan it looking for some sign of hope that a long timer could still get better. You were that person for me. I think what's critical if you're in constant, severe pain, is to stop measuring recovery in days or months. I had loads of frustration "calendar watching". It was in the past year, when I completely stopped trying so hard and just got on with my life and began acting "as if" I had no pain, that I saw the most improvement. I now look at it in terms of years. Am I in a better place now than I was last year? Yes. It's slow, and sometimes very subtle and fraught with backslides, but overall, I'm coming out of it. And like you, I'm thinking of "it" less and less. I"m not at 1-2% of my time yet, but 20-25% is much better than 100%. It's important for others to see that if you don't get a quick Sarno recovery, you aren't doomed for life. I"m glad you took the time to come back on to the forum. Like you, I stopped expecting to be pain-free, and now pain is background noise. Of course I would love no noise at all, but I suspect the better I get at not getting upset at it, the less I will even notice it's there, if it's there at all.
Lots of luck to you Skizzik. Anyone who reads your posts will see a lot of themselves in a desperate attempt to get pain free, and then a slow, but gradual reclaiming of your life. It's a good story among the quick recovery stories. |
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Back2-It
USA
438 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2011 : 07:52:46
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quote:
I may think about it 1-2% of the time, compared to the 100% (yes I said 100%) of the time I had before.
Very good, skizzik. I've been reading you among others. Most seem to be successful when they just "get on with life" and devolve their thinking from obsessive to minimal. Is this not a reprogramming of the brain?
This can mean staying away from the forums. I've been back heavy in the last week or so for encouragement, and I got it.
When I got my "star" I asked Dave to remove it. I just didn't like the idea of it somehow, but I guess the stars are probably part of the software program.
The best to you. Thanks for sharing your life and thoughts. It might not be a bestseller in book form, but it's helped those who need it here and now. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2011 : 17:03:51
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thanx for not keeping that to yourself guej . It's comforting to know that someone got something out of my dribble. That all that time I spent was'nt in vain. I often look back and think of how life was at that point, and shake my head about how I lost my mid thirties. But life begins at 40 lol . And this makes me glad my manifesto's are inscribed here (thanx Dave) that others can read about my experiences along with others and find the common denomenators of recovery and come to their own conclusions.
thanx back2it, I found it funny about the star system too. It has no bearing on pain levels . |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2011 : 17:18:09
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quote:
Originally posted by Back2-It
Very good, skizzik. I've been reading you among others. Most seem to be successful when they just "get on with life" and devolve their thinking from obsessive to minimal. Is this not a reprogramming of the brain?
Thats good, now that I think about it I made the mistake of sticking to one persons way of recovering in a compulsive way. In other words, If someone said how they recovered, I followed what they said like gospel and only did what they did. After a few weeks, I'd move on to whatever the next success story person did. In hindsight, I see now that putting all the common denomenators together was more key. I recall talking to others, and then thinking, "hmmm, thats what so and so said too."
Yeah, a brain reprogramming, and then finding out a way to live your life while reckognizing how you make it stressful on yourself. For me it was what others thought of me, and I think being a "perfect father and husband" was dooming me to lose what I cherished most, my family. I think that I was being so OCD perfect in that sense that I would shut down out of resentment if I felt the least bit disrespected. I think the Rhonda Byrne stuff helped with that tremendously. I feel my marriage and relationship with my children is more "genuine" now if that makes sense. "Flybynight" told me all kids need is love. That made me pause big time.
enough dribble, gotta go yell at the kids now, later |
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I would have to say I'm cured
