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JulesJ
9 Posts |
 Posted - 08/23/2010 : 10:41:16
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Hi guys,
Firstly have enjoyed reading back through the posts here. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.
A bit of history. When I was 17 -- about 20 years ago -- I had a big chronic back pain episode that eventually ended up with a laminectomy at 18. Talking to my doctor recently, I got the impression this would happen now.
My father had been along a similar path, and the doctor put the L4/L5 disc degeneration on the MRI scan down to genetics. He told me when he looked inside he found that half the disc was fine so he left that in and just took out the protruding bit. Hmm.
Anyway, 10 years on I was suffering sciatica again (after a few on off mini episodes over the years) to the extent that I thought I was going to have to follow my father again -- he'd recently had spinal fusion. (This didn't fix him entirely either, incidentally, though it did make him quite a bit better).
By some fluke however I picked up the Sarno Healing Back Pain book second hand (this was in c. 1999). I had the revelation experience as I saw myself on every page -- I actually only got about 40 pages in when I went straight back out to walk around the block as I read about confronting the pain and found the pain literally lifted and disappeared.
So far so great. Fast forward to 2007 and I come out of a start-up that went wrong. Annoyingly as I'm trying to rebuild my income, I find my legs aching and tingling a bit if I sit too long. I get a new chair but get the impression it's getting worse.
Move on to 2008 and my father has a stroke and is left brain damaged. Work feels very old and like two steps back after the big break with the start-up. Long-term girlfriend has fled the country to do her Phd and we're rowing a lot throughout 2009. Situation with my mum and dad guilts me out hugely as I wonder whether I should move to be with them (I visit often) at the sake of my life etc. In retrospect I'm pretty sure I slip into depression at some point.
Eventually in early 2010 I split up with my girlfriend, who in retrospect I felt had let me down over dad, but who I never raised my voice at (we did have all sorts of niggly rows about other stuff though). Back by this stage is getting pain well up the legs and into my lower back etc.
I had some strange knee pain episode when the doctor saw me and said I had the best knees he'd seen that month -- it had been hurting at the slightest brush for weeks.
Finally in early May this year when I finally realise after some months of us both dithering that the relationship with my girlfriend is over, I slip into a funk and my back totally 'goes'. Spasms, inability to stand or sit, at one stage I stand up for 12 hours straight because I'm so terrified of the pain on lying down and getting up again, etc.
Gosh it was awful - much worse than when a teenager.
Anyway, at around this point I remember Sarno and get my housemate to dig it out and bring it to me. Reading it sideways, I slowly get deeper into the chapters I never read, and start to understand the relationship between emotion and my back. (The connections I've made above between the pain and the rough couple of years I've had are in light of the reading).
So, three months on and I'm pretty much rid of the 'new' pain from this year -- I am walking 10km a day even to get rid of the affects of the not being able to walk for a month etc.
However, I am back to square one with the post-2007 leg pain, which has now returned. I am repeating Sarno's daily reminders etc, and trying to think emotionally. I have also become very aware of my negative patterns - outward coping and outperformance, inward very self-critical about the smallest thing and unable to spend money or time on making myself happy (one true holiday in five years, a previous girlfriend called me a 'Jesuit monk' etc). Also being far too controlling and negative about people I love (e.g. my lost girlfriend).
So -- sorry for all that length -- what now?
Do I sit here and just remind myself that this much milder pain in my legs is also TMS? I think it must be - it wasn't here for weeks and now it's back, the other pain moves all over the place and comes and goes, and a couple of times in the past 5-6 weeks my back has tried to instigate new shoulder pain that I've been able to stop manifesting. (I've also had other symptoms/episodes I've not gone into above over the years, including temporary blindness from migraines 15 years or so ago, RSI, and also tinnitus).
I know with this long history and catalogue it might be too much to expect to rid myself of this tendency forever, but that's what I want to do. However this mild leg pain seems unbudgeable now it's back, and I don't want to let it grow again until it's another full-on spasm/meltdown again.
So I was wondering if anyone had any tips on getting rid of the last vestiges of TMS, since the full miracle cure seems to have eluded me this time?
I should note I've started taking steps for the depression, and am going to be doing some mindfulness therapy... so perhaps that'll make a difference.
Sorry for the length, thanks for reading.
J. |
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Gibbon
United Kingdom
138 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2010 : 08:47:45
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Hiya Jules
IMO for lots of people TMS is something you have to keep working on - it's whack-a-mole with symptoms sometimes - you sort out one symptom, then another one comes along which exploits the fact you're not completely sure whether it's physical or not....
i think all we can do is
1) always think "this is TMS" whenever a new symptom starts
2) if extra persuasion is needed, see a specialist to convince you that there's nothing really wrong
3) keep on with the TMS techniques
You're obviously aware of all the various stressors and their links to various symptoms - that's the most important step....
Good luck with everything....
Check out the TMS website: www.rsi-backpain.co.uk |
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JulesJ
9 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2010 : 02:31:43
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Thanks Gibbon, nice to hear from a fellow Brit. (Do they have whack a mole elsewhere?)
You're surely right about it being a process, as much as a destination. I've decided I have to look deeper at my personality/anxiety/negativity to tackle it more effectively.
Also, I wonder if there's a highly recommended TMS Dr in the UK that you're aware of?
best
J. |
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Tackling last of TMS after 20 year history
