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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
 Posted - 03/06/2010 : 18:29:41
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Hilary told me this:
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My heartfelt plea and challenge to you is that you STOP WRITING TO US ABOUT YOUR SYMPTOMS. Instead, write a post about what you're really really angry about. Maybe you'll want to start with this post, or the fact that you feel that you're not getting the help you want from this forum. Do that without mentioning a single symptom - just write about what's pissing you off. THAT is where the TMS work starts. Stop waiting to take a leap of faith. Just do the work!
Hard as this is, I will try. There's SO MUCH to be pissed off about and so much crap inside me. If you don't want to read it that's ok. I just want to try it.
I sometimes get so mad at my father that I want to dig him up and stomp on his bones. I'm angry because that SOUNDS SO AWFUL!
How could a father be THAT selfish and not think about his children's lives? How we had to face everything he was afraid of and how we would have a lifetime of garbage because of him? How can you molest your kid and NOT think it's gonna mess them up? How can you not let anyone have friends or a life and expect that the kids will grow up able to live in the world?
I'm angry that my whole life revolved around HIM and whatever HE wanted all the time. We always had to protect and entertain HIM. And Mom defended and protected him and put him before US!
Sometimes I hate him! And I feel sorry for him too because he was a miserable sod. I know I'm not "supposed to" be angry with him for being sick but good grief he had enough presence of mind most of my life to read books and drive to Yonkers and demand chicken and hot dogs and read Life Extension and Prevention and stuff. He was just so selfish and CRUEL.
My mom -- I am pissed at her for putting all her religious stuff on me. All her fears. Always telling me scary stuff I couldn't handle. Just because I may have seemed mature doesn't mean I was. I'm angry with her for not paying attention to me and for making my whole life focused on my father and my sister. I am mad at being trained up to be crippled so I'd always be there to take care of her. I'm pissed that she got mad when I got married. I'm pissed that she uses my niece like she used me. I'm pissed that she didn't realize a couple of years after Daddy stopped working that he wasn't intending to ever go back. I'm pissed that she left the convent and even HAD me, what was the POINT of THAT? We grew up in poverty and miserable!
I'm pissed at my body and being trapped in it. I'm angry that so many people act or talk about how we should not be angry. I'm angry that anger is one of those emotions you're supposed to NEVER feel or you're some kind of selfish jerk.
I'm angry that I've been used and manipulated by my family, that they constantly come to me for support and offer little to none when I am in need (which is rare because I try never to go to them for anything).
I'm pissed that my sister married a bozo just to be married and has so many problems they seem to fall on me like rain.
I'm ANGRY at being the "strong one" or the "savior" or the "rock" and "responsible" one that everyone comes to.
I'm angry that when I'm angry and express it I just get judgement and backlash.
The world is so unjust! I'm made out to be the perp instead of the victim. Everyone's got an excuse except for me.
I'm angry with God for not healing me and I'm angry with priests and Christians for telling me that I can be healed and God loves me -- but when nothing changes it's MY fault because I didn't have faith or I didn't pray enough or I am not in His good graces or something.
I'm pissed about conflicting messages.
I'm pissed at being afraid every minute of every day.
I'm pissed at Hell and whoever invented it.
I'm tired of all the threats that you will burn forever if you do stupid things wrong or don't want to go to church.
I'm angry that all food has either too much sodium, sugar, fat or cholesterol!
I'm angry that I can't even stuff my face to comfort myself!
I'm angry with doctors who don't listen to me and walk out the door while I'm still talking (that goes for any doctor).
I'm pissed at how much everything costs. How can I get well if I have to invest hundreds of dollars to even find out if a therapist clicks with me or understands my stuff?
I'm pissed that I am working 2 jobs and 70 hours a week and don't have health insurance.
I'm pissed that when I apply for health insurance it costs over 300 a month with a 2500 dollar deductible, what the booger is that all about??????
I'm angry with MYSELF for being controlling and insanely fearful and tormenting myself with fearful thoughts.
I am angry at my brain for not working right and I'm angry with myself for not being a NORMAL PERSON.
I'm pissed off that I can't get through one freaking night without waking up to pee!!! I want to sleep!
I am angry with my computer for not working right and crashing all the time and CHOKING when I try to click anything.
I'm angry with snippy snotty unfriendly people.
I am angry because my boundaries aren't respected.
I'm angry because no one in my family understands me! They very rarely EVER call just to say hello -- they always want something or they're setting up to ask for something.
I have too much work every day and every week. It's exhausting and I have to support my hubby and child on my own. I have so much on my shoulders and we rarely ever do anything FUN. It's too much for just one person to carry on them.
I feel like I'm being crushed with things to think about, things with work and responsibilities. I wish I could be a child again. Only NOT with my family!
I want to be cared for and taken care of. I'm angry that I have to comfort myself. I feel alone!I'm tired of taking on everyone's things and having to provide and produce and keep up with so many expectations and guidelines and rules and managers and bosses and people with varying opinions.
I want to have a huge tantrum but I'm too afraid of bodily sensations to do it!
And I'm extremely pissed that I CAN'T CRY!!! I want to, I need to, and I can't!! |
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marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 21:05:17
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Anger is how you repress your emotions..
Anger is an emotion that hides fear, sadness and shame.
Your physical pain is your repressed emotion.
That is TMS.
Marsha |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2010 : 21:20:57
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You can not cry because in order to do that you would need to get rid of the anger first.
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2010 : 01:20:45
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Did you notice any difference after your little rant?
Any change in the physical symptoms?
Have you read any of sarno's books yet and do you think that you have TMS?
Have you tried any of the steps in his treatment plan and what were the results if any?
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2010 : 07:24:32
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Without having read that in detail, that seems pretty good. (Just to clarify, in case of confusion, I'm not the Hilary that wrote the message at the top.)
quote:
I'm angry because that SOUNDS SO AWFUL!
Don't worry about that. It's very important to write down your feelings without censoring them in any way. Don't think you're a freak for having such thoughts - EVERYBODY has them, whether consciously or not. There's no need to be ashamed.
If you're afraid someone might read what you've written, just write over and over again on the same line, then no-one will be able to read it - Georgie Oldfield told me that trick.
There are some journalling tips on this page, if you haven't seen it already:
http://tmswiki.wetpaint.com/page/How+do+I+journal%3F
Hilary N |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2010 : 07:52:23
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Last night was not good. I tried to sleep and was just WIRED. Staring at the wall for an hour, then got panicked and the physical stuff started coming again.
I have Sarno's books from the library. I skimmed them a few years back but I get really put off by so much talk about back pain because that is one of my more minor and transient symptoms and when he talks about heart stuff it's usually the people ending up with bypasses or something.
I read Dr Clarke's book which really was quite nice.
I think TMS is psychosomatic illness and I don't think Sarno is exactly right with the anger thing. I think it is that for some people but fear is the problem for others, or some kind of mix of the two which creates anxiety and tension etc. I'm being pretty open to the best of my knowledge about what I'm angry about but if Sarno's right then I must not have found what I'm angry at that's causing all this.
I don't think I have TMS I KNOW I have psychosomatic illness and have had it since before Sarno got popular. I've been having weird symptoms since around 1990 or so and his Healing Back Pain came out in 1991.
Thing is I am not sure if ALL my symptoms are TMS driven or not, that's what REALLLLLY pissing me off!!
I had really bad dreams last night, my mother was in them and I was distraught and woke up with a lot of pain in my pectoral muscle and around there. I feel like a pretzel!
ok here's a weird thing: Since seeing my doctor and him giving me prescriptions for inhalers etc. and prednisone (which I haven't filled yet) my cough is like 90% better. The day after I saw the doc I was just not having anywhere near as bad a cough. What's up with THAT???? I didn't even take the stuff he prescribed because I woke up the next day with barely a cough at all where the previous couple of weeks I have been hacking and having that insane tickle in my lungs.
That has to be mindbody. Thing is I have not yet resolved the breathing thing so I must not have resolved something in that direction just by seeing him. Sometimes seeing the doc puts me at so much ease that a symptom or symptoms disappear like MAGIC. |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2010 : 07:57:07
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quote:
Originally posted by marsha
Anger is how you repress your emotions..
Anger is an emotion that hides fear, sadness and shame.
Your physical pain is your repressed emotion.
That is TMS.
Marsha
Is my repressed emotion sadness since I can't cry? Or is it anger? I have felt that my anger is sadness and fear driven. The anger is caused by sadness and by fear. I don't get angry for nothing, I get angry because I'm hurt or sad and it is actually anger which is a good smokescreen because telling people you're sad and hurt makes you vulnerable to them. It's really shaming for me and I can't even tell my hubby when I'm feeling really hurt because I feel just disgusting about it and fearful that I'll be hurt even more. It's like a mental block. I feel humiliated to admit that I feel hurt or that someone had the power to hurt me. Does that make sense? BUt I knowingly consciously know I feel that way and AVOID feeling it by getting angry. I know I do it, I do it on purpose because I can't STAND feeling shamed and humiliated and I hate feeling weakened. It's like I lose part of myself.
I'm one of those folks I think who when they get hurt tend to start lashing out. Hubby says I am like a wounded animal in a trap and I strike out and get mad because I'm hurting and scared and it doesn't matter who tries to help me, I try to "bite" them because I can't stand it.
Any of that make any sense at all?? |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2010 : 09:42:00
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Wow! Jerica. I'm not sure where to start, but first, let me say thank you for sharing your personal pain so honestly. What you wrote here is exactly what you need to look at.
While I read your post, I was at times brought to the verge of tears and yet at other times almost chuckling because of your perfect descriptions of some absurd situations.
Please know, that you are not alone. While I haven't experienced everything that you have, I do have many life experiences that are similar to yours. I'm sure many, many people do. However, just because many people have experienced similar things, it does not diminish YOUR pain.
You have every right to feel angry at the people who hurt you in the past, and those who are using you in the present. It is my opinion that you do not in any way have to apologize for that anger! Expressing that anger physically in a safe way can be therapeutic (whacking an old chair with a whiffle bat works, doing some demolition during a home renovation project, breaking glass into the recycling bin, etc) Writing about what happened to you and how it made you feel is also a good place to start. You may have to grieve for the childhood lost, the healthy family environment that never was, the ideal relationship you wish to have with family members, that will never be. As children, we could not choose our family, nor could we control how we were treated. As adults, we can choose to develop relationships with genuine, sincere, respectful people. We can decide to draw the line at how we will interact with family members who may not have our best interests at heart.
You cannot help everyone. You cannot save everyone. Others need to take responsibility for themselves. You were not protected, loved and cherished as a child. You will need to learn how to protect, love and cherish yourself now. This begins with setting boundaries as far as what you will and will not tolerate. You may need to accept that some relationships can be toxic and need to be limited or let go of. You will have to become comfortable with being disliked by those who want to use you and get angry when you finally stand up for yourself and say NO. People who have perfected victimhood are really just looking for others who will enable them, but no matter how much is given to them, it is never enough.
You are absolutely right about so much of what you have written in your post, but there is one thing I do not believe. I think you are wrong about not being a "NORMAL PERSON". There is no such thing as that. You are a person, who is trying so hard to do the right thing, take care of so many others, be there for everyone, support your family. Of course you are in pain (emotional) and that emotional pain is being expressed in physical symptoms, be it chest pain, breathlessness, cough, anxiety, insomnia or whatever. How much can one person take? Many of us have not learned self care skills, because we were surrounded by people who wanted us to take care of them, not ourselves.
Think about this. What if you had a friend who loved you unconditionally, supported you, and was a wonderful person? Let's say this friend of yours had been abused as a child and was now trying to be everything to everyone, so much so that she was making herself physically sick! What would you say to her? How could you help her? You might tell her that she is special and wonderful, just because she is herself. She doesn't have to be perfect or to take care of everybody else in order to feel worthy of love.
You may have to feel some emotional pain, before you become stronger and are able to stand up for yourself, and begin taking care of yourself. It may help to listen to music that brings emotion on, or watch a sad movie if that's what it takes. Crying can be a cleansing experience.
You said that you have to support your husband and child. This must be a lot of pressure. Isn't your husband able to help support the family?
When you read Sarno, try to replace your symptoms with the back pain or whatever symptom he is describing. If his work doesn't resonate with you, you might want to read Claire Weekes, "Hope and Help For Your Nerves". It's an older book, but I found it interesting. It focuses on anxiety. Bernie Siegel's books are also excellent.
Take care of yourself.
Best,
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2010 : 13:27:36
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quote:
Originally posted by Peg
You cannot help everyone. You cannot save everyone. Others need to take responsibility for themselves. You were not protected, loved and cherished as a child. You will need to learn how to protect, love and cherish yourself now. This begins with setting boundaries as far as what you will and will not tolerate. You may need to accept that some relationships can be toxic and need to be limited or let go of. You will have to become comfortable with being disliked by those who want to use you and get angry when you finally stand up for yourself and say NO. People who have perfected victimhood are really just looking for others who will enable them, but no matter how much is given to them, it is never enough.
Many of us have not learned self care skills, because we were surrounded by people who wanted us to take care of them, not ourselves.
You said that you have to support your husband and child. This must be a lot of pressure. Isn't your husband able to help support the family?
Peg thanks for reading my whole rant:)The self care skills angle is what my male therapist was going for with me -- he told me to focus on doing at least ONE good thing for myself each day to help my self care skills. I wasn't very good at it, honestly. I have to remind myself to take care of myself. Examples would be like some days I just forget to wash my face or comb my hair, I will just tie it back and move along. I don't bother with makeup and when I do I don't bother to take it OFF so it gets in my eyes etc. Stuff like that. I don't keep up with my own needs very well. I've had a lot of dental work due to not taking care of my teeth when I was a kid and teenager. Lots of root canals and fillings and crowns. They look great but I mean I had to pay a lot for that. I wouldn't eat right because I didn't care, I didn't exercise because I thought showing any interest in being healthy or looking nice was CONCEITED and VAIN. It was and still is intensely, intensely EMBARRASSING for me to have anyone aware that I even care about myself a wee bit.. It's a phobia or something. At the same time I TALK about starting good things a lot ("I'm going to lose weight, I want to eat more vegetables, I am gonna start walking more" etc.) then I don't follow through.
It's a weird thing with me but I feel ashamed of wanting to look nice etc. When I was a kid my parents kinda pointed out everything I did. I was SUPER SHY so I wanted to not have a to-do about stuff. There seemed to be always an opinion or comment about whatever I wanted to do. I don't think I even tried makeup til I was older because SOMEONE would have to say SOMETHING about it, you know what I mean? I was afraid to even let anyone know I liked boys when I was a kid. Then my father started calling me a lesbian. I mean what the heck kinda father has to go after his 11 or 12 yr old daughter with all that? My parents were seriously messed up about sex and respect for people's sexual selves.
(I might add that my dad was a pedo and he would take my sister when she was like 15 or 16 to meet women and have dates with them and then he wanted her to report back to him about everything they did (if anything). And he would "interview" her about dates with guys, too. He was living vicariously and fantasizing through her. So not appropriate! And he bought her a teddy once, too. That's how I found out what a teddy was. And I don't mean the stuffed bear.)
I guess it's no wonder I can't breathe and i"m so wound up in knots. I have never felt permission from my parents to BE MYSELF as weird or crazy or lovely as I want to be. I have always felt tied to them, connected to them, like property of theirs.
It's crazy, it's ridiculous, but it's my mind.
About working, I have routinely worked 2 or more jobs the past ten years because I'm a control freak. My husband doesn't work outside the home because I can't work my two jobs and afford daycare and I need him to be around in case I freak out. I have a dependence on having someone there for me, and he's all I have. He does a lot of work inside the home though, he does all the housework and cooking and taking care of the little one when I'm working. He does our shopping when I am too anxious to deal with the crowds. He is really encouraging and if I were more like him I'd be much healthier. We've talked about him working outside the home and I just freak out about it. So weird as it is I have to keep doing what I do even though at times I resent it. It's a conundrum. |
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Racer
USA
129 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2012 : 09:56:38
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quote:
Don't worry about that. It's very important to write down your feelings without censoring them in any way. Don't think you're a freak for having such thoughts - EVERYBODY has them, whether consciously or not. There's no need to be ashamed.
If you're afraid someone might read what you've written, just write over and over again on the same line, then no-one will be able to read it - Georgie Oldfield told me that trick.
The link is really informative. How do we overcome the challenge of maintaining the written journals storing and protecting the unpleasant feeling only you know?
After writing, can we tear the paper and put in a trash? Sometimes, if it reaches the wrong hands (by mistake/accidentally), the consequence will be worse. |
Edited by - Racer on 10/27/2012 09:57:28 |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2012 : 10:52:09
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| Well jerica, I could have easily written that post as almost all of it applies to how I feel also. |
Edited by - shawnsmith on 10/27/2012 10:57:19 |
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Jerica has a tantrum (the things I'm pissed about)
