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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
 Posted - 03/03/2010 : 01:27:26
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Jerica
You're trying to put a puzzle back together and shuffling the pieces at the same time in order to make sure it will never happen. The conflict of interest between your unconscious mind and the conscious one is what generate the TMS symptoms as many people here are trying to tell you.
Your post stating that you need to find the right type of help is just another evidence of it.
Looking for a miracle explanation that will fix the problem once and for all is not realistic .Your situation is made of several problems which overlap and are now hard for you to discern and treat accordingly and separately.
The very first things I would do if I had to deal with this problems is:
1- learn fear managing techniques and apply them so that the anxiety attacks do not ruin your efforts.
2- Identify what the psychological traumas that led to this mess are and what can be done about it and then proceed with it .
3- Find someone highly qualified and with solid references to work with you on #2. Once you find out why then ask how you can fix it. Expect having to do a lot of work: your participation will be highly required for best results.
I definitely agree with you 100% that you need help but I also fear that you'll sabotage the process if it starts to work for the reasons I mentioned in an earlier post yesterday (which you found plausible) unless you agree to work on the issue and resolve it before you jump into something else. First thing first and don't forget about the replacement you need to find.
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Edited by - catspine on 03/03/2010 01:33:41 |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 17:30:31
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It's funny today I was thinking to myself, "Hey I am feeling better today, maybe I'll get even better and things will be okay." Then right after I thought that I had a pain going down my left arm from my shoulder. I don't usually ever get it where I feel pain going down like that, it's usually just pings and pangs here and there. Now my jaw's hurting a little. My husband told me it's because I had that thought and my body was reacting to it. I think yeah, but I'm still scared. And I am still super sore all over my shoulders, too. So it could be from that.
I can't really stop thinking about symptoms. That's my first goal -- to just stop thinking about them every minute. |
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mcone
114 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 19:50:13
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Jerica,
I'm no where near completely recovered (just look at my last, rambling, maniacal post on my new "Lying" and "manipulating the system" initiative)...but
I've been where you are, and possibly even worse (ok, this isn't a competition). And as hard as it is to believe this right now, I can share with you that there is a great likelihood, in fact a near-certainty that you will eventually get past what you have been experiencing lately.
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 20:42:48
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Thank you mcone. I will respond to your post as I just skimmed it but I need to read it thoroughly but I get where you're coming from and in the mind I'm in lately I feel like we've been kinda "cheated" from all directions so I'm inclined to say do what you have to. Let me think about it some.
I need to have some hope. I waffle back and forth and just have to take that leap of faith and invest in it.
I'm looking at some of Louise Hay's stuff now and watching her movie on YouTube.
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 11:59:47
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jerica,
when your'e ready, pick a month of this year and decide there will be no more Doctor visits, shrink visits, internet searches including this forum, no self help reading, nothing.
Don't even have them scheduled for after that month. But after that month know that you can make appoitments if needed.
Anyways, what would you do with your life if you had no symptoms? On that month do it! Take some guitar lessons, do some indoor rock climbing, play texas hold-em with others at a nearby casino, whatever.
You seriously need a vacation from yourself.  |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 13:16:38
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I already play the guitar but I haven't in a long while (months? years?). I used to play every day. I used to paint, I used to draw. I have a deviant art account with a few random sketches and oil paintings I've done but those were like 5 or more years ago.
http://mamasboo.deviantart.com/gallery/
I used to do arts and crafts, needlework, listening to music, going to concerts, festivals, shows. I have a bunch of partially written books (one of just over 50,000 words and one of 14 completed chapters, another of I think somewhere around 30 something thousand words and so on). I was really creative. I had stuff published in print and online. I was a member of 3 local writing groups, one national one and the national writer's union. I used to clean my apartment every two days. I used to sing!
:)
Now I just think about chest pain and breathing and fear and blah blah blah. When I get out it's mostly to stores or doctors. I feel kinda hopeless, like any effort at this point will be point-less. ("What's the point in positive thinking when it could be your heart, anyway?")
My cardio doc called me today to tell me to take Crestor even though it's gonna cost me $150 a month because he says it's so much better than the generics and my cholesterol is "outrageous" (325 or so). Sheesh he never told me that BEFORE and my cholesterol was 325 back in 2007 when I was pregnant. I feel sorta like I'm being jerked around.
I'm going to go get some Louise Hay stuff to read.
I told my hubby I wondered what it would be like to go 24 hours without talking about my symptoms. I think I'll try it and see how long I can go without mentioning them. Maybe I'll try to make this weekend a symptom-talking-free weekend.
I do need a vacation from myself. I've often lamented how much I just need to be in another body for a while. Everywhere I go, there I am, and I am my own worst enemy. I don't like myself and part of that is because I'm stuck on "sick" thinking. I don't want to face life in this body but it's the only one I have. I feel like I messed it up and can't fix it.
I talked to a radiology guy today about testing and he even said he wouldn't get a heart cath and advised against it. He said a doc can order one and they will do that because they can charge you for it and all. *snort*
I see him tomorrow and I guess I already know what he will say. I'll start my Crestor today and I'll try to become a vegetarian and I'll try to walk a lot more even though I'm afraid of exercise. I'll listen to Louise Hay and get some of her cards to stick around the house. I'll start journaling. I'll change my focus to the best of my current ability (which is itty bitty). I think when I feel a symptom I'll snap a rubber band on my wrist and do some thought stopping. Maybe I'll pull out my guitar and start building callouses again. |
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 14:41:02
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quote:
Maybe I'll try to make this weekend a symptom-talking-free weekend.
This is a great idea. Discipline like this helps. In the meantime, or else after that (!), I think Skiz had a wonderful idea about a vacation from yourself. You need to get out of your own head. I find it helpful to do something charitable or dive into a work project. Both are great ways to think of something or someone else for a few hours. |
Edited by - winnieboo on 03/04/2010 14:42:40 |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2010 : 15:10:07
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ALRIGHT Jerica You're making progress. A small start is still a good start.
enjoy the weekend. |
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Yeah, I Googled and scared the tar outta myself
