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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
 Posted - 02/24/2010 : 08:59:45
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I was just talking to my husband about TMS and feelings and he mentioned the Incredible Hulk. I said, "If we could all become the Hulk we'd be well. Instead we become sick people."
I have been thinking about feelings a lot in the past day and how I really run away from my feelings or don't feel them. I know they are there, I know I am hurt, I am sad, I am angry but I don't FEEL those things or at least don't feel them to their fullest.
I am physically incapable of crying and this has been going on for some months now. I had a bout of it for some months last year, went through about a month where I could cry to an extent, then dried up again. Even when I am distraught, I can't get more than one or two tears out and my sadness fizzles like a stifled sneeze. There is the URGE to cry quite a lot, out of the blue and strong, but no crying.
I am lonely and I am sad. I am angry, but I don't let it out more than just a general irritation with everyone and everything everyday. I get it "out" through my body.
Wanted to share something about my past, and why I think TMS is serious business even though I continue to hold onto the notion of "real illness"....
My father and I had a very bad relationship and he passed away suddenly when I was 16. I started cracking up that year with my first panic attacks etc. For the next year or so I could not talk about him aloud without having some kind of physical symptom. I felt all sorts of weird stuff -- all panic symptoms plus spacey feelings, feeling like I was inside a fishbowl, tunnel vision, hyperventilating, feeling like I was going to stop breathing, raging insomnia because I was convinced I'd die if I went to sleep and so on.
Every time I spoke about my father for any length of time, I got physically sick. I proved this time and time again and avoided talking about him in the fear of what my body would do to me if I did. I eventually got therapy and it took about 8 years to resolve a lot of issues about my father.
This all was happening around 1990-1995 or so, when it was most intense. I recognized that I'd get weird symptoms, random stuff out of the blue that would show up and stick around and then leave and something else would show up. I called it conversion disorder then, but I was aware that I was "quite good" at conjuring physical sickness from my emotions. I've been doing this ever since.
I really believe in Dr Sarno's work and all the derivative works on TMS because I lived this and figured it out 15+ years ago. I saw the patterns then between accessing my feelings and suffering symptoms in response.
I think I've stopped feeling in a way. When I was pregnant in 2008, I was raging all over the place. I'd never been so angry in my life, I think. Maybe it was the hormones letting some of it out but man you didn't want to be around me then. After I had my baby it all went back to normal and I haven't felt rage like that since. It was interesting to see just WHAT was hiding inside me and why I do believe that it is "dangerous" to let it out.
When I see my sister's name pop up on email or IM, I instantly react. It's a cringing inside, and a split second flashback of all the crap I've been through with and because of her. And then a sense of "WHAT NOW???" Then guilt because I just literally can't stand her. She literally "makes me sick." Same with other members of my family of origin though I can carry conversations with them to an extent.
So here I am, convinced my breathing symptoms are some underlying Awful Horrible Sickness but my mind is rationalizing and saying, No you just aren't FEELING your feelings. I'm on the outside of a room, the feelings are inside so I can see them, I'm aware of them, but if I feel them or let them out, I'm afraid it will destroy me. Maybe the one feeling I actually do feel all the time is FEAR.
Just wanted to vent that all out and see if anyone identifies. |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2010 : 07:28:30
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Tha Incredible Hulk title strikes a chord with me - when I let out rage (in private) I think of the Incredible Hulk!
quote:
I'm on the outside of a room, the feelings are inside so I can see them, I'm aware of them, but if I feel them or let them out, I'm afraid it will destroy me. Maybe the one feeling I actually do feel all the time is FEAR.
I identify with that. Although at a conscious level I don't have so much fear, if I explore my feelings, fear comes up a lot for some reason. Wish I had time to write more but am in a rush at the moment!
Hilary N |
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2010 : 07:41:51
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Jerica,
How can you get air when you are breathing fire? You say you resolved many feelings, but you know there are more. There's more work to be done, and your other posts say you are working in therapy and that's great. Are you journaling? If not, do that! Someone just told me on another thread that having an outlet was important. Indeed! You have to open a vent somewhere, J, maybe more than one. Use your therapy sessions to pour your heart out, scream, b-tch about your sister. Chop onions until you manufacture some tears, then walk away from the cutting board and attach the falling water to your real deal. You are so insightful and know exactly what's going on. None of us can "let go" until we dump out some of what's in the festering container. Therein lies the Awful Horrible Sickness, and it's curable. With your insight, you are well on your way to taking the next step. |
Edited by - winnieboo on 02/28/2010 07:48:23 |
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The Incredible Hulk
