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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
 Posted - 02/22/2010 : 14:16:22
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Hello everyone,
I'm a 37 yr old female who has had anxiety disorders and panic attacks since about the age of 14 with it going full blown around age 16 after my father died. My family is highly dysfunctional and we have a lot of boundary issues and religious issues. I am a hypochondriac and started getting mysterious chest pains when I was about 22 or so, along with other weird symptoms that would come and go over the years.
I've been to lots of therapists and done the CBT thing which helped for a while. I was on Zoloft for about 6 mos in 2005. My docs all give me Xanax and want me to take Zoloft for my OCD and obsession with health plus the anxiety attacks.
For the past few years I have been having random chest pain, left arm pain, back pain, jaw/neck pain, acid reflux, IBS, shortness of breath and smothering sensations, and other random things. It seems to just be so bad that I can't go through one day without SOMETHING.
I have had probably hundreds of tests on all parts of my body. I have had CT scans of my abdomen and sinuses and head, X rays of the chest and back and legs. Barium swallows, an EGD, sigmoidoscopy, echocardiogram, stress test, hundreds of EKG's, bloodwork, MRI's of my brain, an EEG, that electro test they do to see if you have carpal tunnel I had done twice, Holter monitors, a 30 day event monitor, pulmonary function test, ultrasounds of various organs and my legs, my bladder looked at twice and so on.
Everything comes back normal except my pelvic ultrasound showed I have an ovarian cyst and my back X ray showed slight arthritis. Nothing that should warrant all the stuff I am feeling every day. Some years ago my doc took some blood and told me I had chronic fatigue syndrome.
I am also tender a lot of the time, my muscles feel stiff, strained, tired, achy and bruisey. I can walk and move and all that, but I will get bouts of shortness of breath or spasm type stuff where I feel like I can't catch my breath or my heart will beat hard and I'll just feel fatigued. I have gone to dozens of doctors, specialists and they ALL say it's anxiety, it's in my head, I focus too much on it. I also can't cry...I often feel sad and can not squeeze out any tears and that's distressing because I used to cry all the time and it was really cathartic.
It's hard not to worry when you have chest pain or when you feel like you're smothering for a few seconds at a time randomly or like someone's choking you randomly. The sensations last a few seconds most of the time then go away. I am inclined to think it's panic and I take a xanax but I'm never sure.
Sorry for this being so long but I have such a history of all these weird things. I have looked at Dr Sarno's books and they really seem to be honing in on what may be wrong with me.
My symptoms can come on just by my thinking about them or anticipating them. When I feel sufficiently reassured (which is rare these days), my symptoms can disappear within about 24 hours and be gone for days or weeks. I felt terrible with chest pain the day of my stress test in October and the next day I felt better than I had in months and I felt really good or about 5 weeks until I had a huge argument with my niece over money I loaned her which she refused to pay back and I was also starting a new job that week. I got really sick with chest pain and breathing difficulties. I improved after reading about fibromyalgia because I think I really have that, and for about 2 or 3 weeks felt good again. Now I'm back to having breathing problems and weirdness which I think came about because I had a follow up appointment with my cardiologist and he said my cholesterol is a bit high so he wants me on crestor.
It is like for 2 days before the appt with him I had chest pain and the week before I had palps and skipped beats. I had a Holter which he said was normal. So I think it is anticipating seeing him that makes me feel sick. When I'm well, I can not go NEAR doctors. They will make me sick. If I'm sick, I go to them a lot and don't usually feel much better unless they can convince me I'm ok.
I'm obsessed with my body, terrified of dying, and think about heart stuff allll daaayy looong. I have been obsessed with heart stuff since my early 20's. All these ads on TV about it doesn't help.
Thanks for reading all of this. I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore. I have a new therapist but all of this is SO expensive and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I don't know any doctors in my area who know about TMS or anyone who will definitively diagnose me with that or with fibro. I feel like a total nut, but what can I do?
All of your posts make so much sense to me and I have never seen so many people suffering the way I do all in one place and who are also going through a lot of emotional pain and stuff from past traumas etc. I have a lot of that from my childhood, a lot of anger, sadness, resentment, fear etc.
Any advice or kind words or if you have ever felt weird stuff like I do I just want to know I'm not alone and this really IS something psychological which is coming out physically. |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 14:22:40
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Oh yeah also wanted to mention other pain stuff I have had:
- severe pain in neck upon waking which lasted about a week and was diagnosed as torticollis/wry neck. Had vicodin for it and it went away eventually.
- had plantar fascitis for about a month or two in both feet, went away on its own eventually.
- had weird thing happen where all my joints swelled up for about a month, terrible back pain etc, went away on its own, tests could not find what was wrong.
- for about 2 weeks felt like the skin on my face was all stiff. It was at this time that I was fearful of scleroderma because my cousin's wife's mom had it.
- my fingertips went numb for about 2 months in 2005. Neurologist told me to take Zoloft.
- I started trembling and having "essential tremor" for no reason which lasted about 2 months as well. Thought maybe I had lyme disease or something. Still get tremors sometimes but not constantly.
- had feeling of lump in throat many times.
- had sciatic pain after having my daughter which lasted for about 6-8 months or so.
- have baker's cyst behind knee so I have knee pain sometimes.
- bouts of agonizing gut cramping for no reason which resolve in about 40 mins to an hour or 2. Worst pain ever.
- Sinus migraines esp when it rains.
- had dental work then two days later had agonizing pain under my tongue which made me feel like I was choking and had to get vicodin for it it was that bad,. Eventually went away on its own.
I'm sure there's more weirdness but there you go for now. |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 16:15:16
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Jerica
Welcome to this forum,
Thanks for taking the time to write in detail about your history, this place is a very good start on your journey to healing if what you suffer from is TMS. I have a personal experience with the condition that bears many similarities with yours but you 'll easily understand that I better leave the official diagnosis to a professional specialized in TMS. You may be able to find some help here but first take a deep breath and stay away from the TV ads about heart anything and try to cut down any fear generating situations as well.
I totally understand the way you feel and can relate very clearly to symptoms you describe for I had some of the symptoms you mentioned the difference being that I got rid of them one at a time successfully over the last few months and some of them very recently.
You are actually the first person who had them just the way I felt them for the similar ones. I just could not put them into words as well as you did.
It's awful to go through that but there is hope and chances are they will go away for you too because they seem very likely to have an emotional origin and something can be done about that. It will take time and discipline but I think you stand a good chance if you want to do what it takes.
I had the episode you describe with the skin on your face getting stiff. It also felt like it was burning and after trying moisturizing creams that made it worse I finally found some relief two days ago with something called Baume de Monoi from Tahiti, anything else generated burning sensations. now my skin is and feels normal again all the dryness is gone . It can not hurt you so maybe it's worth for you to try unless you have an allergy to that .You could probably find it in health food stores.I know that for me the problem is part of the symptom imperatives but the above solution brought some relief for now which is fine.
You may want to slow down a bit especially as far as trying to put a name on anything that appears . Now that you eliminated any serious medical condition if you still need to call it something not yet listed in medical encyclopedias then just give it a name of your own that will save you a lot of money and worries and it will probably work just as well. There is a reason for what I'm telling you.
This also applies to identifying your problems as fibromayalgia, you don't have to go there yet more than you did with all the other potential illnesses before. It will only generate more fear which is not necessary.
I'm sorry I do not have enough time today but please let me know if you wish to know more about this. there is also plenty that can be done about the fear.
There is a lot of people on this site that can bring some answers to your questions in many different ways and it is a real asset because everybody hears things differently so you'll be able to pick and choose what you're most receptive to sometimes. there's a lot you can do to get better if you're willing, there is a lot of work to do but fortunately it is within reach.
Have you read the success stories in the All Forums section yet?
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 18:01:11
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Thanks for your reply!:) I would love to hear more. I have not read Success Stories yet, I have been perusing the forum for I think 3 days now, for some time each day just looking at everything I can. It is very hard for me to BELIEVE that what I have is TMS though I have to say I've never found a forum before this one where people are describing things like I have -- the weird way I can be triggered into pain, the remissions and relapses based on stresses, the subconscious emotions and trying to write it out, having read books and gone to therapists and still trying to find that one magical key to unlock the secret to a cure. I feel like I've seen all these therapists and I don't know what's left to try. I don't believe my doctors when they give me good reports, either. I seem obsessed with the idea that something's been missed. My "stuff" (pain, sensations, breathing problems etc.) keeps waxing and waning like an ocean tide. I never know what's going to roll in or how long it will stay or how awful it will feel but it eventually goes away and I'm at least somewhat ok again for a time. It is almost as if I can't really stand feeling good. And that's another whole issue due to my religious upbringing where when I was a kid my mom used to tell me how the poor and suffering were closer and more loved by God so that's a while can o worms in my psyche right there where I feel compelled to punish myself. I do think I am a masochist but I enact punishment on myself through mental torment in some kind of hope that I will get to Heaven for all my earthly suffering. It's crazy, I know. My mom was a nun for ten years and left the convent due to her own anxiety issues so you can kinda see where I'm coming from. There's so much more but I do tend to focus more on physical symptoms than how I feel. I have been vocal about how I feel, I will say if I am angry or hurt etc. but the physical manifestations come out, anyway. I don't understand how to "exorcise" all this stuff.
Looking forward to talking with you again!!:) |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 18:11:23
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One more thing, back in early 2007 I had a huge upheaval in my life -- my sister who was pregnant again had an emergency c section and preeclampsia and was in the ICU for a weeek and the baby was 3 lbs at birth and we didn't know what would happen. Just after that, as if that wasn't awful enough, CPS kinda made my mom and I (we shared an apt at that time which is another awful thing, trust me but it was only temporary) had to take in my sister and her 2 babies and her older daughters and then also my niece's boyfriend came by all the time, nurses were there every week to weigh the baby, sister's crappy hubby would show up sometimes -- it was a wreck. My family are all TOXIC so you can imagine. My symptoms at that time which came out of the blue:
- SEVERE fatigue, like not even being able to lift your arms over your head
- out of breath all the time, huffing and puffing. couldn't walk ten feet without resting.
- heart beating fast over 100 bpm 24/7
Went to cardio docs had tests went to regular docs no one could find anything wrong.
This initial bout lasted about 2 months and my therapist had said I was "protesting" all teh crap that was happening in my life, and I believe it. The fatigue would come back and then go away, etc. when it starts up I find two things and only two things work to make it go away:
1. Excercise
2. Ignore it
That's it! And it works. I can't seem to do that with other symptoms but these particular ones that's what I do.
And I have such a bad relationship with my sister that I try never to talk to her , think about her or look at her name. That's how triggering she is! |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 23:07:54
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Jerica,
According to what you wrote there are so many different things going on in your life emotionally at least. It seems like it would be almost impossible not to get better if you could only fix a few of these issues even temporarily.
It is clear that your family is dysfunctional and that it weighs on you enormously and that it affected your well being profoundly.
I have no doubt that this constant emotional turmoil would make anyone ill. I would find it amazing if you couldn't believe that yourself but if you did not believe it then would you be able to tell us why?
I don't think you can change what other people are but you can make a few decisions that will change how it affects you especially if you want to be able to help them at some point later on.
To begin healing I would start by trying to find myself a "sanity spot" where i can take my time to think things out peacefully and at my own rate at least once a day for 15 minutes or so everyday and stick to it religiously and go from there one thing at a time. Creating some stability in your life somehow would greatly benefit you and this is just one simple way to do it. It will take time to see the benefits of this method but at least you'd have somewhere to go "to catch your breath" . By the way if you have a small kid make sure your time off duty doesn't compromise his/her safety.
Don't worry about feeling guilty because you want to be healthy you can leave this to the real sinners for now and there is always plenty of opportunities for that no to mention it's the last thing you need right now. Punishment will never make your pains go away but maybe the opposite will.
Start slowly but steadily and see how you can improve that gradually. Creating yourself a spot safe from the stresses will give you a chance to stabilize yourself and rearrange your emotions in the way you can deal with them. Once you become more familiar with your sanity spot then you can start to process your thoughts and emotions gradually. Things will become easier as you get more familiar with it all. It's unlikely that you'll find a magic wand to do it all at once but one at a time will yield good results too .
You're still quite young and healthy too according to all this tests you went through why would you be dying anytime soon?
Is your therapist behavioral or analytical?
I know you're feeling awful and I do not want to add to this in any way so i'll keep it simple, I went through anxiety and panic attacks myself thinking: what if it turns out to be this? or what if it turns out to be that? building up the fear and pouring fuel on fire, unfortunately the doctors I saw made me even more anxious but later something happened and then I started asking myself : what if none of this happens? what if there is nothing wrong with me? and every time those negative thoughts came by I would ask myself the same questions again : what if none of this happens? what if there is nothing wrong with me? the relief it brought was enormous. and of course it turns out there was nothing wrong in spite of these horrible symptoms.
So I hope you can get started with some of this simple things and get by with less anxiety for a while.
Remember that doubt is often the source of our powerlessness. To doubt is to be faithless, to be without hope of belief. To doubt is to have faith in the worst possible outcome. It is to believe in the perverseness of the Universe that even if you do well something you don't know about will get in the way and get you in the end.(Blaine Lee)
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Edited by - catspine on 02/22/2010 23:11:58 |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 11:14:43
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I've been to anxiety centre -- I think that's lucinda bassett's site? I ordered her big ole program and returned it after watching a few videos etc. It's too expensive.
Last night I got dinged by my boss for having forgotten to put hours on my timesheet and if you get an "infraction" 3 times in 2 months they can fire you. It was my fault that I forgot to add one day of hours because Friday evening I was too overwhelmed with stuff and forgot to double check it but my boss was going APE all over me, sending me loike 3 emails with ominous subject lines and a lot of reprimanding on how I'm supposed to be available on Monday morning for updates to he timesheet etc. She also tried to call me and I was here but she had the wrong number. I had updated my number with the correct person at the company last JULY so I feel like the infraction is not warranted because if they had updated my number which I gave them 7 months ago, she would have called and I would have answered and avoided the infraction.
I tell you last night I tried so hard to cry and I couldn't do it. I could heave a little and got maybe one tear out. It's very upsetting because I desperately need to bawl my eyes out and get relief but I can't. No matter what horrible thing I feel I can't CRY it out. I felt devastated last night! Devastated. The whole "you're not good enough, foul human!" thing kept coming back and of course the PUNISHMENT (infraction) that happens for OMG not putting 6 hours in on a timesheet. You'd think I'd killed someone for all the drama she rained on me. This is why I have such terrible anxiety and such low self esteem. Because I make a little mistake and get beaten down but another person can make a mistake (the person who should have updated my phone number) and nothing bad happens to THEM. I have lost all respect for my boss now and I sent her a copy of the message I had sent 7 months ago updating my number. It's not my fault she called the old one.
Anyway, I'm just having a lot of emotional upheaval right now due to work obligations and I resent having it all on top of me. I also keep getting a weird breathing sensation and my stomach feels kinda tight. Every now and then I inhale and feel sorta like congested then it goes away and I get all freaked out like I can't breathe or like my lungs are constricting a few seconds and I of course think OMG what if it's this or that horrible thing.
My mind never stops whirring, even in the middle of the night I would wake up and my only thought in my half asleep mind was "infraction!" and thinking about work.
I can try to have a safe quiet spot but I'm not sure I can shut my head off enough to think anything good.
My therapist I think is more analytical and she has a method to try and help resolve childhood hurts via helping you strengthen your own resources as an adult and feel capable of handling your feelings. To see things as an adult and not through the child's eyes, in a way. It is called DMDS. developmental needs meeting strategy: http://www.dnmsinstitute.com/media/M0/index.html
I only just started with her so I have to see if it will help, but it's different and I usually get CBT which doesn't really help me much. I find CBT as basically paying $200 an hour for a guy to tell me, "Just think differently!" I can tell myself that for free;)
I have the knowledge but no idea how to apply it. I don't know how to do "the work." I keep holding onto the belief that it's my BODY and not my MIND that's the problem. |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 11:19:29
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Sorry -- I looked at anxiety centre and it's different. I will check it out. I'm not sure I've seen it before, but I've been to so many sites it's hard to remember.
Last night with all this stuff I also felt nauseated and every few minutes I felt sick all over and like I wanted to cry very badly but couldn't. I'm still having a bit of nausea coming and going today with that all over kinda sick feeling and this urge to cry, sort of like with PMS, it's just out of the blue urge to cry. :( |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 11:19:56
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hey Jerica,
how bout forgetting all the self help stuff, and read "the Secret"
which is very uplifting and has changed lives of millions. You sound like you need a different point of view which may relieve your symptoms. |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 11:44:25
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| I really DO need a different point of view. I am bogged down with so many possibilities. I will check it out right now! I'm desperate! |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 13:12:52
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| Skizzik this is really interesting as I have read Bernie Siegel's books and also As a Man Thinketh which is over 100 years old and is along the same lines. Even the Bible which is thousands of years old talks about the power of thoughts. I think "The Secret" definitely has a lot of truth in it. I haven't read it yet but I'm watching the video on You Tube and looking into it and I see it's an old idea but one that I don't take to heart enough or even practice at all. I think about sickness ALL THE TIME. I am going to try and change that and read this book! |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 13:53:00
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I would recommend quitting the job but it seem like you need it too badly for now. The time will come.
This kind of a boss needs to learn a little respect... Your idea to email back your time sheet was the right thing to do but you should not leave it at that . Acknowledge you made a mistake not filling the time sheet but ask for an apology about the phone #.
To a respect less person the words like punishment and infraction do not have the same value it has for you it's simply a way of enforcing a code of productivity and they rely on your feelings of guilt and responsibility or pride to make it work. Once you understand that it has much less of an impact on you and you can have a good night sleep. A job is not something worse getting sick about the proof of that is if you get sick then you can't work ....What good is that?
If the environment remains unfair eventually you'll be able to get out of there on a day they need you the most . Revenge is a meal best eaten cold.
Jerica's quote:
I can try to have a safe quiet spot but I'm not sure I can shut my head off enough to think anything good.
This statement reveals a need for guidance. Find the spot and use it to think about what's ethical that YOU value most as a start and stick to it. Self discipline is required to benefit. Use it all as often as needed.
A bird make a sturdy nest one straw at a time. |
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jerica
USA
94 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 16:49:46
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I thought for sure she'd take off the infraction seeing as how her not having my correct number was not my fault and I'd updated it. She didn't even have the courtesy to acknowledge the email I sent her showing her that it had been updated months ago. Way to really lose my respect. People are always treating others like crap. She doesn't care if I need the job or if I'm on my last limb or anything, I made a trivial mistake and she's going to bring it down on me. It's so stupid because I don't think she even went after the stupid woman who was supposed to update my info. I have heard nothing from either of them. I wrote to the stupid woman today and forwarded my email again and told her that if my boss had had the right number I was right there to answer it. I get no response because again, people treat me as if I'm not WORTHY of their precious wonderful time. No wonder I'm bitter.
Today I had some chest pain as well and a couple bouts of the lung/breathing thing. It feels just plain weird and I'm worried that it's some kind of vascular spasm or something that's gonna hurt me. :(:( I'm so sad.
I wish I had a proper doctor to diagnose me. Too bad most of the TMS docs are far away. I really NEED one. |
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Chest pain, breathing, Fear, panic, chronic pain
