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MHI
Canada
13 Posts |
 Posted - 11/06/2009 : 09:08:13
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I want to tell you my story so I hope you can take a few minutes to listen to what I have been through and where I am now. I hope that you can point me in the right direction and give their opinions based on their successes.
I am a 43 year old man, married with 3 beautiful girls, my wife and daughters aged 10 and 7. I am just another individual who works hard and wants his family to have everything. I have worked as an institutional parole officer since 1993 Six months after working in a prison environment I started to develop what was later determined at irritable bowel syndrome. I struggled with this for about 4-5 years and then when I moved to another institution that wasn't as threatening, the irritable bowel became quite manageable. Over the next few years, I got married, had my first daughter in 1999 and had my second daughter in 2002. Nine months after moving to a new house I was helping a friend (which I always tend to do at the expense of my own project, family, etc) do a bunch of physical work in his back yard. On one of the last days, we got down to a small area that had to be completed and there was a larger rock (about 100 lbs) sitting in the way. I lifted it and heard a pop in my back. That night it started to get sore so I soaked in a hot bath, had a couple of beer and by the next day it seemed better. About 4 days later I played hockey with out any significant event or pain and the next day I golfed without any pain. As the night went on my back started to get tighter and tighter on the lower left side to the point where I was in agony. It hurt tremendously (although not in full spasm) so I ended up going to a chiropractor where he told me that I had stretched a ligament. After many treatments, the pain did not cease. I tried running but it began to hurt so I stopped. The long weekend in September of 2003 came and I was at my cottage. I know I was really concerned about my back and over the weekend my back got worse off to the point that I had to go home. Over the the next few hours my back got really bad, to the point that I experienced my first full body spasm. I could not move without another waive of pain. I was basically paralyzed. I was able to crawl down to get my muscle relaxants and T3's but I basically didn't sleep the whole night. Strangely when I got up in the morning, my left front thigh started to get really itchy and then I experienced pin and needles and numbing in my left thigh.
I was extremely alarmed and terrified at this point because I had no idea what was going on with me. After my doctor saw me a prescribed more pills,
I then started working with a physiotherapist and stopped going to the chiropractor. The physiotherapist told me that I had likely injured a disc and I remember crying at the time because I immediately thought that my hockey, running and my sports life was over. I saw a surgeon about 3 weeks later and he told me that the MRI I had had showed diffuse disk bulge at L2-L3 and slight bulge at L5-S1. I was immediately terrified and asked how long it would take to heal. The surgeon said about 3-4 months. I kept going to physio and with each passing week the pain didn't get any better. I had returned to work but I had to stand all day and my back continued to burn and ache and my left thigh remained numb. As time went on I became more and more distraught, worried and scared. Then in the spring of 2004 after spending every night on my stomach watching tv, I tried doing some stretching (which I had done before) called the yoga cobra, where you lay on your stomach and raise you chest off the ground and straighten your arms. I had used these stretches after my original injury after reading a book on back pain. After I did a few stretches without pain, that night I started to get this intense, sharp pain in my back nothing like I had before. It wasn't a spasm or dull ache but a sharp stabbing pain that left me on the ground in agony. It was like someone was driving a hot poker through my back. I know I am babbling but I just want to give you the story. After this, I could no longer go to work and everyday was intense pain. Soon after this I experienced my first anxiety attack. I had to go to the hospital and when I saw the doctor and he had told me it was anxiety/stress related he also indicated that he had looked at my MRI and understood why I might be anxious...what the hell did that mean? That only scared me even more. Long story short, I was off work, more scare about my life, my situation and now I was applying for Disability. During the four months I was off, I drove 2 hours (3) times to have epidural steroid injections given. I asked the doctor there about my prognosis and his answer was, "you will either get better or you won't" How is that for great medical care? That was so encouraging. By now I had had injections, I was on 75mgs of effexor and was worried about my future. Even through this I never gave up hope. By this point, my physiotherapist had nothing more to offer me and let me go (more demoralizing) and I had gone back to the surgeon who indicated that he could "operate" but really didn't want to. 4 months later I was able to go back to work and I managed with a low degree of back pain for quite a while. I walked every day but was always afraid to run to jump or stomp my foot or lose my footing because if I did the pain would increase. After more time, I demanded from my doctor that I go see a physiatrist to look at my back and address the numbing thigh. I basically had to demand this and after seeing this man, I was even more angry. He would not do anything other than a basic neurological test which showed no problem other than the issues with sensation. I could not figure this out as the MRI did not show that the disc was on the nerve but that it was only herniated to the left side. But it was not operable or needed to be operated on. I left the physiatrist more angry. He blamed the numbing on the meralgia parethetica where the nerve gets trapped under a tendon or ligament however after reading all of the material, I did not meet the profile.
The next thing I did was demand to see another surgeon. After spending approximately 20 minutes with me and looking at my 2nd MRI (which was better than the first one) he said there was nothing to operate on and that I had two discs that were degenerating and that "might" be the reason for the pain. I left angry and confused again.
In June of 2005 we moved to a new house. I could still not lift anything over 10 lbs without immediate tightening in the left side of my back. I remained on 37.5 mgs of effexor which kept my emotions in control and was able to work and concentrate for the most part. After getting settled in the new house, I was up in the attic installing pot lights. I remember thinking that this was probably not good for my back and the next day the numbing in my leg increased and my back pain (left side) got worse. I had removed myself from effexor by this point and after having more daily back pain and discomfort I returned to the effexor soon after. After 6-8 weeks thing settled down again but I was still in some discomfort.
Please hang in there. I am getting there!!!!!!!!!!!!!
About 4 months later (November 2005) we found out that the house we had moved into had a major foundation problem that required almost $50,000 worth of work to repair it. I think the fact that I was on effexor stopped me from having increased back pain at this time although I remember specifically being really worried about what to do. I was so mad that I started ripping down drywall and even though it hurt I didn't care. I recall that it hurt but didn't hurt any more than usual after a couple of days. We continued to plan what we were going to do to fix this. I had a friend that was a lawyer so he took this on. The following spring we had a plan to excavated the entire back of the house but I couldn't do it so a friend helped. Before this occurred, I had been referred by a friend to a kinesiologist who he had good success with being so desperate, I went to see him. He checked by strength. He checked my gait, he watched me walk and studied a few things. Then..........he said......."I want you to try running tonight for 30 seconds" I was shocked he was telling me this. I was so scared. He said, "just try it for 30 seconds". I went home, put on my shorts, shoes, and shirt but I could not muster up the courage to do it. I went back to him and he asked me if I had tried it and I said "no". He said, "why not". I said "because I am scared". He then told me that I had to "CONVINCE MY BRAIN THAT IT WAS OK TO CHALLENGE MY BODY" This was the first time I had been introduced to any kind of mind body connection. I went home that night and I mustered up the courage to run for 30 seconds. It hurt but it didn't hurt anymore that it did before I ran. The next night I ran for a minute and gradually over the next few weeks ran up to 20 minutes everytime my back getting/feeling better and better. By the time we started working on the problems of the house I could drive the Bobcat equipment, I could shovel and I could lift 250lb timbers with a friend without really inducing any more pain.
OK, everything sound great right? My pain was essentially gone. I was off effexor by April/May of 2006 and I was thinking my life was back. Everything went well that summer. I worked on the house every weekend. I raked. I hauled wheelbarrows full of gravel, I built a huge deck, carried deck blocks, bent my back in every conceivable way. Yes my back would get sore after a long day but with a good night sleep it was fine the next day. I still had some numbing in my thigh from time to time but it was even noticeable. After the summer passed I took on two projects. The first was agreeing to finish a friend at work's basement and second I was looking to start a different job. In November of that year I started a new job and the basement job. By early mid December the back pain started to return in full force. This time, the pain was not only on the left side of my back but now in the lumbar area of the right side and the numbing had returned to the left leg. Because the job was on a trial basis I asked to return to my old job as soon as possible. Christmas was hell. I was in alot of pain and my anxiety soon followed. I returned to the effexor by Christmas and during the holidays I made arrangement to return to my old job for the 3rd week in January of 2007. I told my co-worker that I could not continue to finish her basement and made arrangements for a contractor to finish job. I remember feeling so overwhelmed just prior to my back pain. The pressure to finish the basement and the pressure to perform in the new job and to impress my colleagues. Just prior to the back pain returning I had some severe stomach pain for one day but it subsided. After I found out that I would be returning to my old job and the effexor kicked in, my pain quickly diminished and by February I was feeling quite good again. I slowly began to walk and then run again and by April I was off the effexor again. In April we drove to Florida from Canada which involved 2 twelve hour days in the car. During the first two hours my back started to hurt but the pain didn't last long. On the way home, I was in the car for 24 hours straight. My back was a little sore but whose wouldn't be. By this time, I had come across John Sarno and after previously dismissing it, this stuff started to grab my attention. It was no coincidence that on this occasion my back pain had returned right after I started a new job and took on a huge responsibility to finish a basement....stress, pressure, perfectionist, goodist (cant say no), anxiety, pressure on myself, to impress others, etc. This was very enlightening but I never really did the program. I had just read the books along with taking effexor and trying to keep doing physical exercise.
OK, Everything fine again...right?
So I go through another good summer with minimal pain, I am off effexor for months now, playing hockey, running, lifting weights. In September I get the opportunity to use my teaching diploma and teach in the prison school for a 6 month trial period.. I always felt guilty about not using something I had worked hard for so I wanted to give it a try. We went on vacation just before starting to Pheonix and had a great trip. I recall having a sinus headache most of the trip but still had a great time....no back pain hardly at all. When we got back on the Friday I was scheduled to start my new job on the Monday. By day (5) on the job, ALL OFMY BACK PAIN RETURNED!!!!!!! By this time I had read both the Mind Body Prescription and some of healing Back Pain but I had never really done the homework because by the time I had read them by back pain had been under control (possible by the effexor) and I stopped. This time, I knew I could not return to my old job until 6 months from then so I had to stick it out. I hated the job. I was yelled at by inmates more in the teacher role than any other time because I had to make them accountable for handing in lessons each week or they would not get paid. In fact, one inmate screamed at me in the vestibule area and I thought he was going to take a swing at me but didn't. The pain in my back continued and the longer it went on the more it spread. Now it was in both sides of my back, I had number down both legs, pain in both legs, pain in my upper and lower buttocks and in my hamstrings.
I tried journaling for a week or so but quit when I returned to my old job and started to feel better after being on effexor for a few weeks. Before we took our annual trip to Florida, I had begun weaning myself off the effexor again because I hated the side effects (weight gain) and I was going back to my old job and I figured that my would dissipate again. My drive to Florida was fine and the pain had subsided. When I returned I was essentially off the effexor and I had been doing some training for a short triathlon my friend had convinced me to try. The closer I got to the triathlon the more my symptoms returned. I had numbing down both legs, my back pain was there and I was feeling scared again.
To this date, I have not returned to effexor and I don't know what to do. I continue to live in pain everyday and even though I run 7kms 2-3 times a week and lift weights a couple of days a week (heavy weight) the pain just returns when I leave the gym. It is funny because I feel better immediately after the run and during weight lifting but when I am doing nothing (lying in bed) it feels terrible at times. I came upon your website last night but I am worried. I understand from an intellectual point what you are saying and I have returned to reading Dr. Sarno's book (healing back pain). I am on my second reading. I started journaling as per the program outlined in the Divided Mind but I don't know what to do from here. I read your report and I agree with every thing you are saying but I remain scared and worried about my future, my marriage, my work. I watched Dr. Schubiner's lecture on the internet last night and it was inspiring but I am familiar with these issues. I really don't want to go back on effexor because I believe this is just masking the pain. I am seeing a therapist right now and she totally believes in this stuff so I am lucky that way. I continue to read your report to make myself understand the reasons for my pain but when you start getting numbing in both legs and pain that has increased over time it is scary (although I know that Sarno indicates that this numbing is common when TMS is in the spinal nerves). I am so grateful that you are here and I am asking for your guidance and help through this. It is hard because my wife continues to believe that my back pain still stems from an original injury and when I told her that the incident may not have been an injury but rather a trigger, she cried and said that "I was freaking her out". She believe that stress can induce symptoms but this whole concept of treatment and emotions is so foreign to her she does not believe in it. This is another source of stress. I was thinking of order Dr. Schubiner's program but I am afraid of what my wife would think of me spending 250 dollars of our money on something she doesn't believe in. For now, I am just in the infancy stages of journaling (about a week). I have listed all the thing that are and might be causing tension or pressure from my day to day life, my childhood (losing my dad at 19 years old), my personality traits which are the "perfect tendency", that being perfectionism, extremely self critical, impatient with others, easily annoyed, alot of pressure on myself doing projects, work, sports but also a need to be liked, loved, appreciated, put others first....you know.
I guess what this long winded email is asking is.........I am going to take Dr. Schubiner's program. I have tried Sarno's book programs but they are not well guided. I cannot get a real TMS diagnosis from a doctor but I am asking for your opinion. |
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Monte
USA
125 Posts |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2009 : 02:30:32
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Hi MHI,
It's good that you're seeing a therapist who understands TMS. Just hang in there, because sometimes it takes a little while for symptoms to go away. It certainly sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself.
I'm sorry to read that your wife doesn't understand about TMS. Would it help if she were to read some Success Stories? Particularly the Back Pain and sciatica stories?
Hilary N |
Edited by - HilaryN on 11/07/2009 02:35:02 |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2009 : 15:11:04
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Hi MHI,
your story rings a lot of bells with me, the thing I notice is how your pain was fuelled by FEAR. TMS feeds off fear, "alarmed and terrified" and "distraught, worried and scared." These are what helps to keep it going.
"I started to get this intense, sharp pain in my back nothing like I had before. It wasn't a spasm or dull ache but a sharp stabbing pain that left me on the ground in agony" I've felt like this numerous times but am completely better now. My success story is here if you want to take a look or show your wife.
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A beginner's guide to psychology: If it's not your mum's fault.... it's your dad's... |
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