| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
marsha
252 Posts |
 Posted - 04/14/2009 : 15:01:23
|
“Of course our parents can't help who they are, but this does not matter to the inner child. The inner child was hurt, was neglected, did not have its needs met, and this pain must be acknowledged and felt.
Only after truly experiencing those feelings can we begin to have compassion for those who hurt us.
This recurring idea that you can recognize and forgive the limitations of the parent before acknowledging the pain of the inner child is misleading and potentially toxic in the context of addressing TMS-producing emotional issues that are still very emotionally active.
What were you expecting?”
Armchairlinguist
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Most TMS sufferers value themselves through the eyes of the people around them. We are trying to be perfect to fit in. The acknowledgment from our peers is paramount to us. That is part of our problem part of our suffering. When we do not receive what we perceive we need we add to our bank account of TMS symptoms.
We each in our own way work our way through the literature, the journaling, and the TMS specialists. We cry, yell and suffer. Sometimes we are fortunate and the theories just click and sometimes it takes years. We each make the journey in our own way. No right or wrong way. What works for you may not for me.
My childhood was very difficult. No one would have known because everything always looked so normal. My mother was a troubled woman. Her troubles caused terrible scars on the souls of her children. She died about five years ago. I do not miss her. I am not sorry she is gone. I spent my childhood and almost all of my adult life trying to get her to notice me…to express caring and concern for my well being. I have been so angry with her my whole life that it has consumed me. I thought when she died I would be free. That my spirit would soar and my life would be splendorous.
Of course that didn’t happen. The damage was done. But I don’t have to let her continue to add to my pain. I am not sure what happened first. Did I feel all those emotion I had been storing for 60 years or did I accept that she was damaged and couldn’t help who she was? Maybe they both happened together.
I have not forgiven her. I have just accepted her and by doing that she can no longer add to the reservoir of pain that has resided in my heart and brain for as long as I can remember.
I am attempting to live in my own life in the body I inhabit. I want to value every moment that is left to me on this earth.
What I was expecting? What do you think?
Marsha
|
Edited by - marsha on 04/14/2009 16:32:50 |
|
|
molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2009 : 15:52:43
|
Marsha,
Sounds like your mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder as does my mother. Just found out about this disorder a few years ago and it seems to explain everything that was unexplainable.
A great book to read is Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride. It is written for daughters who have mothers with NPD.
The damage that a mother with NPD can do is amazing.
Michele |
 |
|
|
HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2009 : 03:56:16
|
Marsha,
"What were you expecting?" is ACL's signature - it wasn't aimed specifically at you.
Hilary N |
|
|
|
Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2009 : 10:27:36
|
Thank you, Malomaf - hope I got that right.
I am going to check that book out from the library. I thought I was through dealing with my "mommy" issues after healing from TMS pain four years ago. But recently, as I get ready to graduate with my master's degree in writing, I've realized that I am still trying to be the best, smartest, most talented, accomplished etc. so that I will finally be good enough to earn her affection and attention. Maybe this book will help me move from beyond what feels like righteous fury right now to some sort of acceptance of her.
Sarno's books + journaling + Facing the Fire by John Lee + punching bag = pain free |
|
|
|
Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2009 : 12:22:11
|
Michelle/Malomaf,
Just wanted to say thanks for the book recommendation. I read McBrides book yesterday in one sitting and boy, does it explain a lot I had always intuited/suspected about my mom.
The bad news is that she won't change and I have to accept that and give myself the validation/support that I would like from her.
The good news is - at least she's the least damaging type of narcissist. She's not very controlling or critical or engulfing; she just basically cannot perceive of anyone outside of herself.
I feel *somewhat fortunate* to have been mostly ignored rather than verbally abused into an eating disorder, drug addiction or complete passivity like many of the daughters McBride mentions in her book.
At least being an over-educated overachiever who secretly feels like an impostor is a functional dysfunction.
Sarno's books + journaling + Facing the Fire by John Lee + punching bag = pain free |
Edited by - Logan on 04/22/2009 12:22:44 |
|
|
|
pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2009 : 14:44:14
|
ROFL Logan, quote:
being an over-educated overachiever who secretly feels like an impostor is a functional dysfunction.
: that's me!
I have ordered that book and can't wait for it to arrive.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beginner's guide to psychology: If it's not your mum's fault.... it's your dad's... |
|
|
|
emama
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2009 : 23:16:02
|
wonderfully helpful to read this conversation.
i'm on this journey of mother work as well.
my bedside reading during the last month of banishing the pain has included:
the woman who gave birth to her mother by kim chernin (bay area therapist)
harriet lerner's books: dance of fear, dance of anger (great chapter about 'our impossible mothers'), and the mother dance
and being intimate by john amodeo (bay area therapist)
also stephen levine's who dies?
and harville hendrix's giving the love that heals, a guide to parenting
all of thse books have been very helpful guides in my reflecting, writing, and talking work (w/ a psychologist).
next i'm on the lookout for a good book about mom's who are adult children of alcoholics.
|
|
|
|
pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 04/24/2009 : 02:49:39
|
Thanks for those recommendations emama, I'll add them to the wiki eventually. In fact that page is becomming so long I may have to start breaking them into categories.
Meanwhile my book arrived and I have started it, lets just say some alarm bells are ringing!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beginner's guide to psychology: If it's not your mum's fault.... it's your dad's... |
|
|
|
molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2009 : 21:15:18
|
Unfortunately for me Logan, my mother was and still is the controlling, critical and very damaging type. I was never good enough and she found fault with everything about me and especially my body. I knew something was very wrong but I thought it was with me.
I'm glad you found the book helpful.
Michele |
|
|
|
marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2009 : 10:58:08
|
Maybe we never really had a “mother”. Just a person who gave birth to us. Some of us had mothers that didn’t do such a good job and others had mothers that were destructive.
Mine like those of you contributing to this topic had the destructive kind. We really didn’t have the love, nurturing and support that a parent gives a child. We grew up with a distorted view of life and ourselves. Now we suffer from the fear, anxiety and shame that the bad parenting created.
Just a guess , I would say our dads were fairly weak and unable to protect us from the damage caused by our mothers.
It seems to me that maybe I (we) might benefit if we began to parent ourselves, to love ourselves
When we experience physical symptoms we might try to nurture ourselves. Not to expect the comfort we did not get from a loving parent from others….. To be sympathetic, understanding and non judgmental of ourselves. We must be patient and listen to what our symptoms are trying to tell us.
Anyway , just some thoughts for today.
Marsha
|
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
What was I expecting?
