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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
 Posted - 04/01/2009 : 02:20:15
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I am working really hard to stop my inner judge from knocking me down all the time but it's hard work.
Why is it that some people can shrug things off and other people like me just blame themselves for things that they aren't even really responsible for?
Has anyone got any insights for me?
Thanks
Panda |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 04/01/2009 : 02:59:48
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It's something the mind does in response to abuse. It gets burned into your head when your a child because you feared abandonment from this abuser and thus were unable to express your anger at them. It literally splits the mind in two until you address the problem (hence "the divided mind").
People who don't "self"-judge have either dealt with the emotions surrounding their abuse, or their primary caregivers weren't abusive.
The term "self-critical" doesn't make much sense to me anymore. After all, you weren't the one who started abusing yourself. It was somebody else. I'd like to find another term to describe the phenomenon. "Self-critical" just perpetuates the idea that "you" have some kind of problem and need fixing.
By the way, to get rid of this ghost-parent you just need to express the anger and pain you have at it and because of it. If you're working really hard to stop doing it you won't get anywhere because you're just overcompensating for the problem. If you feel like you're getting nowhere it's because you're just slapping another layer on top of an already dysfunctional structure. This is why I think doing positive affirmations and things of that sort is a load of BS. If you want it to go away permanently you have to pull out the roots.
In the beginning there is a lot of anger and grief, like a bad breakup, but it slowly wanes to the point where simply being aware of the structure causes it to evaporate.
E-mail me if you have any questions.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
Edited by - scottjmurray on 04/01/2009 03:20:50 |
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mseymour88
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 04/01/2009 : 10:38:03
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Hey Scott
How did you become so enlightened, at such a young age?
Past lives ya think?
Mikequote:
Originally posted by scottjmurray
It's something the mind does in response to abuse. It gets burned into your head when your a child because you feared abandonment from this abuser and thus were unable to express your anger at them. It literally splits the mind in two until you address the problem (hence "the divided mind").
People who don't "self"-judge have either dealt with the emotions surrounding their abuse, or their primary caregivers weren't abusive.
The term "self-critical" doesn't make much sense to me anymore. After all, you weren't the one who started abusing yourself. It was somebody else. I'd like to find another term to describe the phenomenon. "Self-critical" just perpetuates the idea that "you" have some kind of problem and need fixing.
By the way, to get rid of this ghost-parent you just need to express the anger and pain you have at it and because of it. If you're working really hard to stop doing it you won't get anywhere because you're just overcompensating for the problem. If you feel like you're getting nowhere it's because you're just slapping another layer on top of an already dysfunctional structure. This is why I think doing positive affirmations and things of that sort is a load of BS. If you want it to go away permanently you have to pull out the roots.
In the beginning there is a lot of anger and grief, like a bad breakup, but it slowly wanes to the point where simply being aware of the structure causes it to evaporate.
E-mail me if you have any questions.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 04/01/2009 : 14:28:07
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Thanks Scott, I may email you to ask you more once I have had time to digest what you've said.
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 04/01/2009 : 17:28:38
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I'm not enlightened. I still suffer. I think I know the way out, though.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
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Jim1999
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 04/01/2009 : 22:43:41
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quote:
Originally posted by pandamonium
I am working really hard to stop my inner judge from knocking me down all the time but it's hard work.
Why is it that some people can shrug things off and other people like me just blame themselves for things that they aren't even really responsible for?
Has anyone got any insights for me?
Panda,
I don't understand why you're trying to stop your inner judge. OK, I understand why, in the sense that being over-conscientious is no fun. On the other hand, I think that the whole point of Dr. Sarno's approach is to be able to accept how you really feel rather than to change how you really feel.
I'm skeptical of attempts to change how people feel. I think that such attempts could easily lead to more repression and, as a result, more TMS.
Jim
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2009 : 01:04:41
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Panda,
Taking responsibility for things that aren't our responsibility can be related to codependency. For decades I thought that I was not engaging in any codependent behavior because I wasn't in a relationship with someone who had a chemical dependency (but I grew up in a dysfunctional home where alcohol was abused by both parents and older siblings and I was frequently told that it was my responsibility to make sure others were taken care of and happy, even at my own expense). Recently I decided to read a couple of books from the 80's/90's on codependency and was surprised by how much influence the past was still having on the way I behave with and relate to others. I've always felt responsible for everything and everybody. I even have major stress over how to make sure my pets are happy enough. And you can develop codependent behavior even if you've never been in a relationship with someone who's chemically dependent--any sort of dysfunctional relationship can lead to codependency.
I found it really helpful to my TMS progress to read Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency, both by Melody Beattie. She talks about the inner child and how repressed emotions can cause physical symptoms, so I felt a lot of it fit pretty well with what I've learned about TMS. Like Scott, I don't really feel the positive affirmation stuff, which the second book does suggest, is all that useful. But I did feel that much of what is in the books helped me understand why I do some of the things that seem to feed my TMS. I found the books in the public library. I'm sure you can find lots of info on codependency on the internet as well, if it sounds like something you might want to check out. |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2009 : 02:47:24
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Jim, apart from anthing else I'm just plain curious!
I sure don't want to repress anything else but I was thinking if I could understand why I do this then maybe it will help me not take it so seriously, kind of "see it coming", accept it and shrug it off a bit more.
I'm 99% cured of my back pain but I've learned a lot about myself in the process and this is just one more thing I want to address so that (she whispers) "TMS pain doesn't come back"
Littlebird thank you for your comments about codependancy, I will look into that as well, and check out the books you suggest. I'll also add them to the Wiki list. |
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cfhunter
119 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2009 : 19:04:58
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Littlebird I am the same way about my pets, making sure everyone is happy and I was raised in an alcoholic home and married a (recovered 12 years) alcoholic...hmmmmm and if I have a glass of wine with dinner I feel guilty. What's the connection?
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Jim1999
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2009 : 21:50:39
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quote:
Originally posted by pandamonium
I sure don't want to repress anything else but I was thinking if I could understand why I do this then maybe it will help me not take it so seriously, kind of "see it coming", accept it and shrug it off a bit more.
I'm 99% cured of my back pain but I've learned a lot about myself in the process and this is just one more thing I want to address so that (she whispers) "TMS pain doesn't come back"
Panda,
It's great that you're 99% improved! I also think that it's good to try to see negative emotions coming and accept them. But your comments about not taking the emotions so seriously and shrugging them off make me wonder whether your approach would lead to more repression.
Jim |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2009 : 14:41:01
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Thanks Jim, I can see where you are coming from.
Food for thought there. |
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Why are we so self-critical?
