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positivevibes
204 Posts |
 Posted - 03/18/2009 : 20:04:16
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I hope some of you guys can give me your input on this.
In re-visiting a few traumatic events from my past, I have come across a common thread: that some of these events resulted in deep feelings of humilation and shame due to some sort of failure. Sometimes the failure was totally my fault and sometimes it was a combination of me and the situation I was in. For some reason, these feelings bother me intensely. I suppose they'd bother anyone, but for me they seem to really have a strong hold.
One event that I was re-visiting happened when I was in my last year of college, more than 20 years ago. I got an internship at a very prestigous and large company. I was overjoyed; it was an amazing opportunity. I felt that I had a lot riding on my performance in this internship, so immediately I was putting a lot of pressure on myself. At that point in my young life, I saw the world in very "black and white" terms: either sink or swim, either succeed or fail. No grey areas...either you were winning or you were losing.
When I got to the company to start the internship, the environment was not what I had expected. It was enormously competitive, to the extent that everyone was trying to stab each other in the back. The interns were also expected to occassionally work on weekends (I had a "real job that paid money" on weekends and couldn't do it, so my supervisor was very upset with me). All of this really shocked me and I didn't know how to handle it. I wasn't a backstabbing headgame-playing type of person and didn't want to behave that way to get ahead. I didn't know what to do! I became a "nervous wreck" over the whole thing and felt very ashamed that I didn't meet the standards needed to succeed in that company or in that line of work. (I later found out that indeed, in that line of work people are often very mean to each other...something we were never taught in our college classes).
I'm sure that my college professor (who arranged the internship) knew about it because he used to work at that field and in that company, but he never bothered to clue me in. So, I felt as if I'd been thrown to the sharks. I was extremely angry at him, but there was nothing I could do about it.
My internship was not successful, but some of my classmates, who interned in other divisions of the company (which were less competitive) did OK and ultimately got jobs there and stayed in that field for many years, working their way up the ladder. I, on the other hand, left with my tail between my legs and got a job in a different field doing similar sort of work.
The pain of that experience -- and I realize now that it really was extremely traumatic for me -- lives inside me to this day. It is a TMS trigger for me. I was reading an article in the newspaper about that company and immediately I began to feel all these confused feelings bubble up. That's when I realized that it was a bigger problem for me than I had suspected previously.
So my question to you is: what do you think it means to be so deeply affected by feelings of humilation and shame and failure? I think it may be closely tied to the personality traits of perfectionism and wanting everyone to like you. Ideas????
Later I realized that failing in that internship may have been a blessing in disguise. If I'd have gotten a job there, I probably would have been miserable. When I got a little older and understood myself better, I realized that the environment in that company just didn't jibe well with my personality. When I found a job with a better environment, everything fell into place, I was happy, and was extremely successful. |
Edited by - positivevibes on 03/18/2009 20:07:09 |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2009 : 22:42:33
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Failure doesn't exist, not in the sense that most of the ugly people in this world want it to anyway. One should not feel shame for anything that has happened. If you want to get over it, target your anger at those who wronged you. Target those who tried to make you feel as though you were below them. This isn't literal of course. The only arena is your own mind.
The anger that arises from being put below someone else is incredible. It either shuts us down entirely or we manifest the highly competitive egos you were talking about earlier. The people in the profession you're talking about are all miserable beyond belief, because every gain they make actually gets them nowhere. They climb higher on a meaningless structure. They may feel pride, but pride is a false feeling because it is manifested out of a hierarchy that is a total illusion. Many think it exists and they suffer for it.
Be glad you got out when you did. These kind of people need serious help.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2009 : 23:33:11
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Scott,
I am definitely angry at my college professor and at the people I had to work under (and work with) at that place. I know that I'm angry at them but haven't been able, for some reason, to feel the rage -- to get it out of me.
I also realize, writing this, that I'm angry at myself for not taking a stronger stand. For not facing my professor and complaining. For not trying to transfer to a different, less stressful, part of the company (I could have, but chose not to...decided to tough it out!)
It was a very confusing time in my life and I was still rather emotionally immature when I was in my early 20's...and I didn't understand myself yet, either.
I was talking to my husband about this and he made an immediate observation: "it was the beginning of your career, and you got off on a really bad foot." Yes! I was striving SO HARD to "launch myself" properly. When it backfired, I was devistated that I had to "settle" for a different job at another company. It was a huge blow to my fragile young ego. The "failure" scared the crap out of me. Suddenly I was awash in confusion about who I was and what I would do with my life. At that time in my life, I confused my job with my "self."
I haven't had any trouble conjuring up the anger from other traumas. Not sure why this one is harder. Maybe because, unlike other situations (where I was a child and had no control), in this situation I was a young adult...so the inner child AND the inner parent are playing a role in this situation (E.g., I should have complained...I could have made it better for myself...if I hadn't been so insecure I could have had an exciting career in that field...I wasted 4 years of my life studying for a career I didn't go into...I'm jealous and envious of my classmates who succeeded...reading about their success brings about feelings of rage inside me, etc).
You can see, there's a lot wrapped up in this. Untangling it seems really scary to me for some reason...maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find.
I know, intellectually, that things worked out better for me in the long run. I learned that I should not force myself to do things that seem incompatible with my basic nature (which is a huge life lesson!) When I was 21 years old, I didn't know myself...didn't understand my basic nature the way I do now. I also know, intellectually, that no knowledge or study is wasted...I did use SOME of the information from my college years along the way in other ventures.
And I agree that failure is just a perception. Yet...yet....the inner child is still throwing an enormous tantrum, and the inner parent is still wagging her finger. Sheesh!
A long time ago, when I took Aikido, the Sensi would say, "thank your problems for being there." I totally get that.
I read the intro page of your website. I know exactly what you mean about that shadowy inner voice. And the high you feel after your ego begins to deconstruct. After having a major release of pain from a childhood trauma last week, I felt as if I'd taken an anti-depressant for a couple of days! It was cool to read about that on your web page; I had no idea it was part of the usual recovery process!
I have done a fair amount of Buddhist reading as well (particularly Thich Nhat Hanh's books), and I read most of The Power of Now (I found the chapter about the body to be a stumbling block and couldn't seem to continue reading after that). I've always come close to "figuring it out" but then couldn't seem to get there. Dr. Schubiner's course is definitely giving me the structure to help get there this time.
I like what you say on your site about ego being an illusion. Echart Tolle talks about this. It reminds me of an old episode of the original Star Trek: the one where they're in the "old west" and are suddenly at the showdown at the OK Corral. And Spock realizes that if they keep repeating and believing that it is all only an illusion, the bullets will not hurt them...will harmlessly pass through them....and then, because they are able to convince themselves that none of it is real, the aliens producing the illusion are foiled, the illusion ends, and they are out of danger.
...know what I mean?
Maybe someone should write a book, "The Tao of Star Trek." ;-) |
Edited by - positivevibes on 03/19/2009 00:46:06 |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2009 : 01:57:39
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Yeah word.
I know it seems scary to untangle, but we really don't have a choice. Emotions want to come out and you can either run from them your entire life or begin facing them.
It's actually pretty easy. Just follow the white rabbit.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2009 : 06:54:40
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I am not sure "what...it means to be so deeply affected by feelings of humilation and shame and failure" but I know I am affected the same way, I think it's just a part of the personality type that Sarno describes. The fact that your feelings bubbled up shows that you still haven't processed the feelings I guess. Does Schubiner give you a method for working those out?
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Humiliation/Shame/Perfectionism
