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kalo
USA
142 Posts |
Posted - 03/09/2009 : 14:23:59
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Hi All,
As you can tell I really haven't posted alot! What I am about to do I have never done on a forum.
Let me explain. I think it was only a month ago I had excuriating pain in my thumb that was supposively done from lifting heavy weights. Finally saw a hand specialist who said it was nothing more then a Nerve Impingment and that it would eventually go away.
Well, I paid no mine and started to think TMS! The pain got better and now I am able to play guitar that is until a week ago...
I was learning a song and me being the perfectionist that I am clamped on to this bar chord (guitar chord) and I don't know how long I was in that postion, but after I got done I felt side numbness on the left inside on of my index finger. It lasted up until Sunday! Monday the numbness was completely GONE but now I have nerve pain only when I press on it. Hence I can't play guitar because I don't know if I injured it! Going into a week it feels a little better but not much.
Okay here is the part that I start to express myself. I have noticed that ever since I started my current job ( a year ago we sell recording equipement) I have had more problems with my fingers then ever. I have been playing guitar for 8 years and have NEVER had any problems with nerve pain and or numbness.
I am SELF CRITICAL and never think what I do in guitar playing is EVER good enough. I have one co worker who thinks I am good guitarist and trys to tell his clients about me so I can get hired as a guitarist.
I feel INCOMPETENT both in my guitar playing and sometimes in my work. To top this all off I have a friend who I don't really know if she is really a friend or is just playing mind games.
There is so many things I want to express to her, but I am afraid to hurt her feelings. One is "what kind of friend" is she?? She never calls me or emails me. I have to do all the calling or email. I sometimes don't hear from her for 8 months and all of a sudden she decides it's time to email or something...
This really bothers me...There is so many things that are going on with me. Still this doesn't make the nerve pain go away.
Now I am yet scared again that this pain is going to hold me back from playing guitar!!! I am not going back to the hand specialist because I feel embrased. I was sitting 3 hours in his office for him just to tell me I have a nerve impingment in my thumb and that it will heal...The last thing I want to do is go for my stupid index finger...
I want to believe TMS is the culprit, but my stupid head keeps saying..."no you've injured yourself and this is it....More then anything I can live with tinglness no problem...It's the sharp pain I get when pressing down that scares me...
Sorry to complain....I am just trying to figure out all the stresses in my life....
kalo
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 08:46:42
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Hi Kalo. So you can acknowledge things that are bothering you which is great. That is a big part. I would be taking action to heal these issues so they are no longer a sore spot. (notice: I am not "should"ing on you!) A TMS doc has said ANY CONFLICT causes TMS--whatever form it may take.
Have you thought about asking your friend why it seems to be a one-sided relationship? Approaching it from a loving standpoint, you value the friendship but feelings are hurt because you feel you do all the work? If you don't want to do that, how about writing the person a feelings letter (don't give it to them if you don't want to). It is very important to get the feelings out. Then an adjustment in your thinking perhaps about the relationship? I have one friend who is in touch occasionally, talks about getting together, then I don't hear from her for months. I accept this is how she is, busy with her own life, the best friends we were 20 years ago isn't that any longer, and that's all ok! If we get together 2x per year, ok.
I'd also explore the "not good enough" idea. Where did it come from? How did you feel when you were a child--were you made to feel not good enough? Compete with a sibling for attention? There could be something going on there too. A mindset change is needed there--it takes time but it can happen!
You've already had a different finger checked--can you accept it is the same thing now--from your emotions--NOT something physical? (if not, nothing wrong with going to get it checked--no matter how annoying it is to sit in doc's office! LOL) And conditioning comes in here too--do you expect it to hurt when you play the guitar? Fear can keep us stuck and in pain.
I think it's really cool people think you're a good guitarist! How about taking a minute to sit with how good that feels--your co-worker recommends you as a good guitarist!
Best wishes on your journey, Lori |
Edited by - mizlorinj on 03/10/2009 08:52:40 |
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tcherie
72 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 09:54:40
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Kalo and Mizlorinj,
I feel you two brought up something that I have been dealing with lately and that is relationships. Kalo, you seem to be where I am at right now with my friendship, and Mizlorinj, you seem to be where I want to get to.
This relationship does cause suppressed rage. I feel the relationship is one-sided and often times I want to ask what kind of friend are you. We used to be close and spend alot of time together, and now it is infrequent and I have not adapted. Sometimes I feel if I did not get in contact with her their would be no relationship.
The point is I think how I view my relationships is a reflection on how I view myself. Even though people see me as independent and self-assured, I do not feel that way on the inside.
So not to focus on myself, but to say I think everything you expressed has a bearing on TMS. While you really want to be pain-free, I think the TMS gives you something else to focus on to take your mind off not feeling adequate regarding your guitar playing or possibly blaming yourself for what appears to be a one-sided relationship. |
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kalo
USA
142 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 09:58:06
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Hi Lori,
You've touched so many things in you're post!!! Thanks for the reply!
I've notice this about myself that I do keep a lot of things bottle up. When my friend texted me after 8 months to wish me a Merry X-mas I was preplexed. She didn't even bother to call or at least send a personal email.
I ended up emailing her told her that the reason I didn't keep in touch was because I going through some difficulities in my life. Her reply back was "I am sorry you couldn't cope with your difficulties, but everyone has them".
Her reply was so uncaring. If it were me I would of asked what was going on and is there anything I could do to help. That's just me though...
Personally, I really wanted to tell her the truth as to why I didn't keep in touch and that was because I got tired of being the one to call or email...If I don't months go by like I had never had a friend.
There is other things to...I really want to tell her but am too afraid to hurt her feelings and I am going to have to figure out a loving way to express it and not put the blame on her...
As far as my music concerns...Well, when I was younger I had suffered with extreme learning problems and I didn't have a great child hood as I was mocked and made fun of by teachers and peers. My employement suffered as well, but thanks goodness I have a cool job which understands me...
Oh, and I think I will refrain from seeing a doctor....I am okay with the other finger being messed up for a while...But it is that TMS gremlin that keeps my mind focused on it and to be truthful I am afraid of playing, LOL
But I tell my mind that it's okay I am not injured just not ready to go back to playing yet...
Thanks again Lori for you're reply!!! |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 10:38:15
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Kalo, I would not have appreciated that reply from your friend either; that's not much of a true friend. I tend to say "that's not how I would've replied [or reacted] to a friend" myself, but then I realize about them that I am me, and you are you--we are different. Some I will choose to be closer to than others.
Why are you afraid to hurt her feelings? Perhaps some healthy boundaries are what you need? Do you have a people-pleaser tendency? It is important to feel good about yourself. Cheryl Richardson, author of the Art of Extreme Self-Care, has a chapter in her book LET ME DISAPPOINT YOU! and life still goes on!
Sad to hear that peers and TEACHERS (NERVE!!! that one really makes me angry!) picked on you. Teachers--what the #$%^& are they thinking picking on a child! I'd say feelings need to be felt about that. . . to the point where you realize that was the past, in the present the sadness needs to be felt so you can let go of the past, and in the future you can be a healthy, happy adult--free of the past!
So why not try a flow of feelings (written or out loud or in your head). Sit with one situation for a minute or two, then unleash: I feel angry that . . . sad. . . afraid. . . guilty . . . See what's unreasonable and what's reasonable. New boundares? New thought process? "I will focus on TMS only for a little while"? And realize I am now in the present, the past is over. This process takes time. I can heal this.
It is very important for the feelings to be released for healing to take place. Also accepting that it is emotionally-caused numbness, pain, etc. is important. It takes time.
Hugs, Lori
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Edited by - mizlorinj on 03/10/2009 10:45:52 |
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kalo
USA
142 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 10:56:28
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Thanks Lori,
Ya know I don't much think of the past much i.e. what happened in school much or jobs, but I do think because of my past I am PROGRAMMED with a lot of self doubt!
The only thing to do is un-program what has been programmed in my beliefs systems. Oh, and what I think is "funny" is when Dr. Sarno says that half of all TMS suffers when younger suffered from stomach aliments,
Well, at 16 years old I had tons of stomach pains and also had cololitus (can't spell) and not to mention lots of tension head aches...
I guess as I get older TMS will hit the places in your body that scare you the most...
Tcherie, I totally understand your conflict as well with your friend as it sounds similar to mine, although I will say this friend was not my best friend that I grew up with though...
But I am like you in a one-side relationship and offer question what kind of friend I am being loyal to as well.
It does spell TMS!
And Lori thanks for the advise as I will go back to try to on leash my feelings...The exercise you have given probably will help!
Thanks, Kalo |
Edited by - kalo on 03/10/2009 10:57:13 |
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