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positivevibes
204 Posts |
 Posted - 03/02/2009 : 23:55:40
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Back pain is following me around like a black cloud that just won't go away in my life. I've been dealing with this for 2 solid years now.
It changes a little here and there. Sometimes it seems muscular. Other times it seems structural, which is what is happening lately.
Over the summer I got 2 series of epidural cortisone shots, thinking it would really help. The second one gave me extreme sciatic sensitivity in my left leg. The sensitivity went away after 5 weeks, but then it came back mildly. The doctor won't admit that he "did something" to cause this. He says the shot could not have caused the pain. I find that impossible to believe. Nevertheless, I just decided to live my life and try to get past it. I went to the gym, slowly building up my aerobic endurance and muscle tone (without weight lifting).
In late January I was concentrating on getting a certain task done and sat a lot at my computer during a 12 hour period. That did something to me, and now the SI joint on my left side, as well as my left sciatic nerve, are giving me a lot of trouble.
I saw a neurologist and got a new MRI. He examined me and said that my nerve is only irritated, not damaged. He also said that I had a torn disc at L4-5. Not sure how long it has been that way, or how it happened. He said the disc is causing my sciatic pain, but I disagree. The pain only started after the epidural injection. I never had any sciatic problems before that. I also have a herniated disc at L5-S1. But these discs have been herniated for years. They were herniated when I felt great. I believe what Dr. Sarno says about discs...I don't believe that they are the cause of the pain.
Well anyway, I'm seeing a new physical therapist who swears that he can help me. He specializes in difficult back pain cases. I know what you're thinking: that I'm getting further and further away from Dr. Sarno's philisophy. But it's very difficult, when you can FEEL something pinching in your back and you know it's not a muscle and it's not your imagination. Something feels out of place, like it's impinging on something it should not be. Some days it's hard for me to strech out my left leg. It feels like someone is pulling a string and shortening it, even though I know I'm very flexible. How could that be TMS? Or should I say...even though it feels VERY structural, COULD it all be TMS????
I haven't sat at my computer for weeks. WEEKS. If I sit for more than a few minutes the SI joint (or whatever it is) begins to pinch and I start to feel the sciatic pain again, sometimes so bad I have to take boatloads of Ibuprofen. In general, I can only sit for short periods of time. Sitting on a very padded chair helps.
I know that I'm just venting and rambling. I also know that when I feel upset, my back hurts more (which is very TMS-y). I've been in psychotherapy for a year, committed to Dr. Sarno's plan for several months, and despite some major breakthroughs, the back problems persist. I am considering switching to a psychotherapist who specializes in chronic pain. My husband wants me to join a chroic pain support group, but frankly I'd rather have one-on-one time with a therapist.
A few weeks ago, I wrote to Dr. Schechter. He's the closest TMS doctor to my location. He had suggested seeing the neurolgist and getting a new MRI as well. He said that if the new physical therapist doesn't help me, I should come to LA to see him. But I'm just not sure....this feels SO physical, SO structural...could it possibly really be all "in my head?"
I feel so defeated and depressed. Although I consider myself an athiest, I keep asking God why he is torturing me like this, and begging him to please make it stop. I keep wracking my brain to figure out if something psychological is causing this, and coming up with very little (nothing significant), or nothing at all.
My family and I are supposed to go to Italy for a fun vacation in one month. I don't know how I'm going to manage the airplane flight. I'm very afraid that when we get to Italy I will be in a lot of pain and that it will ruin our trip. I'm in the process of getting a bunch of drugs together (including some Prednisone) just in case that happens. Ironically, 2 years ago I hurt my back while on vacation, and a few years before that, an airplane flight gave me major back problems for weeks. So my fears are based on reality.
Well anyway, I guess I'm writing here because I need some support. Even if I'm not totally following the Sarno plan....Dr. Sarno's writings have helped me. It's just that lately...I feel like I'm coming unglued because of this.
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Edited by - positivevibes on 03/03/2009 00:34:28 |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2009 : 00:53:03
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I know that nobody has answered my post yet, but I want to add a couple of things:
1. I am going to the gym on a regular basis, which is different than what I've done in the past (always took it too easy when in pain). I have found that the symptoms sometimes get better for a while if I do the treadmill (power walking) and lifecycle. It never seems to make things worse -- only better or unchanged. So I figured I might as well exercise because it helps my mood. I have gotten into great aerobic shape and my legs feel much stronger than before, despite the sciatic symptoms. I see this as positive.
2. I started Weight Watchers online 6 weeks ago and have lost 7 of the 15 lbs I wanted to lose. I see this as very positive and I'm very proud of myself. Everyone says I'm looking skinny again.
3. I have been studying Italian via audio CDs since November and am very proud that I've stuck with it and will be able to understand and communicate when I'm over there, whether I'm in pain or not.
One last comment...something I read on the board that I think HellNY said. If you think you're broken, you'll feel broken. Well yeah, I do feel broken and it is very distressing because I want, more than anything in the world, not to feel this way. |
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drziggles
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2009 : 08:46:02
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whatever you do, no chronic pain support groups! unless there is a TMS bent to them, they can become reinforcing rather than helpful. It is possible this is TMS, though no one can tell you that but you! None of the symptoms you're having would be incompatible with this.
Obviously, you should check with your PMD before making any medical decisions... |
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playsinpain
28 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2009 : 13:51:22
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| You ARE using this forum as a chronic pain support site. It sounds like you're doing everything BUT accepting the TMS model. I can assure you it is TMS. Although it is frustrating to listen to you spin your wheels and refuse to accept the diagnosis, wasting time and money, not to mention hours and hours of life enjoyment to pain, it does serve a positive purpose by reminding people who read your post how fortunate they are to have gotten their minds around the TMS model. You don't get it....I'm sorry to say. |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2009 : 14:14:53
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"Sometimes it seems muscular. Other times it seems structural"
This makes no sense to me. TMS pain can change and have different qualities (tightness, burning, numbness, sharp pain, etc). It's still TMS.
"Over the summer I got 2 series of epidural cortisone shots, thinking it would really help."
If you thought epidural injections would help, then you have not accepted the fact that you have TMS. And you have not understood Dr. Sarno's book. If you continue to have physical treatments, your brain knows that you are still falling for it's game. You are being distracted by the physical sensations from your painful emotions.
" That did something to me, and now the SI joint on my left side, as well as my left sciatic nerve, are giving me a lot of trouble."
Not necessarily. This sounds like the symptom imperative. Your pain just moved to another location. You need to re-read one of Dr. Sarno's books.
"Well anyway, I'm seeing a new physical therapist who swears that he can help me. He specializes in difficult back pain cases. I know what you're thinking: that I'm getting further and further away from Dr. Sarno's philisophy. But it's very difficult, when you can FEEL something pinching in your back and you know it's not a muscle and it's not your imagination. Something feels out of place, like it's impinging on something it should not be. Some days it's hard for me to strech out my left leg. It feels like someone is pulling a string and shortening it, even though I know I'm very flexible. How could that be TMS? Or should I say...even though it feels VERY structural, COULD it all be TMS????"
Many years into my 10 year ordeal with pain, I had a hotshot physical therapist who was convinced he knew what was wrong with me. He diagnosed with me with shoulder impingement and referred me to a surgeon, who was more that happy to perform surgery on my shoulder. I was desperate for resolution, so I had the surgery. It did nothing to help my symptoms and made me pretty sick for three days from the anethesia.
You're thinking physical instead of psychological. You won't get relief doing this. I now how difficult it can be. I've been there. I had pain for 10 years, tried everything. Nothing helped until I read Healing Back Pain and worked at applying the information to my life. YES, YES, YES, IT IS ALL TMS!!!!!!
Pleas, Please re-read Healing back pain, slowly and mindfully. Journal about your emotions (not your pain). Follow the advice in the book, so that you can relax and enjoy that wonderful trip to Italy with your family.
Good for you, for all the great things you ARE doing. Going to the gym, losing weight and learning Italian (I'm jealous).
TMS is very real and the mind body approach can end your suffering.
Take care,
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2009 : 16:12:56
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I was very upset when I made my post last night, and you are all totally within your rights to call bulls*it on me. After I made the post, I was poking around the message board, because I haven't been here for months. I found Dan's audio interview that was done with Dr. Schubiner.
I have done a lot of thinking in the past 12 hours. For example, realizing that I was under a lot of stress right before my sciatic pain suddenly got a lot worse in late January. I started thinking about a few situations that happened recently and how they made me feel. I was "handling them." But maybe not...maybe I was actually repressing my real feelings about them. I am a classic TMS personality....goodist, perfectionistic, passive-agressive, driven, etc.
You know, doing psychotherapy can be very draining. Sometimes I feel that I'm not ready to talk about certain things, or that I would rather avoid them. I'm sure this doesn't help the situation. When I really thought about it, I realized that indeed I have issues that need to be explored. I wrote an email to my therapist and made a list of things I need to talk about in upcoming sessions. This will enable me to (and her) to stay on track and maybe make some real progress in areas that are sorta scary for me.
Anyway, I listened to the audio interview this morning. I decided that it certainly couldn't hurt to give TMS a shot again. I have to admit that I got on the TMS bandwagon last year only halfway. I never totally committed to it. This time I will really give it my all.
At this point, what have I got to lose? I've spent thousands of dollars, time, aggrivation, and tears on this problem. Another $250 and a 4-week course are peanuts compared to all that. It's also easier than going down to LA to see Dr. Schechter at this point.
I signed up for Dr. Schubiner's program. I'm having trouble logging in, but I'm sure that issue will be resolved in the next day or two. I am all flared up today from the PT yesterday and not feeling so great physically...took a lot of Ibuprofen to take the edge off. I have decided to totally stop PT for now. I'm going to take Ibuprofen or Tylenol to control my pain and commit myself to Dr. Schubiner's program. I am going to try my hardest to put all the fear and experiences of the past few months out of my mind and concentrate on what Dr. Schubiner has to teach me.
Ever since reading Dr. Sarno's books almost 2 years ago, I have felt strongly that even if TMS wasn't my main problem, it was definately contributing to my symptoms. I think it's time for me to say that TMS *IS* my main problem.
I thank you all for listening and putting up with my self-indulgent rants and whining. I will say....I could really use your support in this process. I plan to write to tell you about my experiences in his program in future posts. My goal is to get on that airplane to Italy next month feeling happy and healthy, and have a great vacation with my family. I don't expect to be 100% pain free in 4 weeks, but I will gladly take any improvement over the way I've been feeling lately. |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2009 : 16:28:56
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Good for you!
With your current frame of mind, I have no doubt you will be successful. And, you WILL have a wonderful trip with your family.
I believe Dr. Schubiner has a way of explaining the information in a way that makes it understandable, and hope filled. Something I read in his blog recently really meant a lot to me. He says that with all his years of meditation, he has learned that "there is more right with us than there is wrong with us".
You'll find a lot of valuable information on this board as well.
We'll be here to support you on our journey. And it will be a journey, but well worth it.
Best,
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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LuvtoSew
USA
327 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2009 : 17:12:49
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Dr. Schubiner sounds really good and I'm thinking of taking his online course. I emailed him and asked if it would help TMJ and he said it really doesn't matter where the pain is , its understanding what is causing it, which made sense.
A pain support group- no way, they would only sit and talk about their pain.
when I first got dx with MS, I went to a couple support meetings and said no way do I need to sit here and talk and listen about all the symptoms I might or someone else has. I dont visit the MS internet site either. |
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Bobbypols
Canada
46 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2009 : 05:38:34
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Really, accepting the TMS fully is the only option. You can accept it, and dedicate yourself towards working for it everyday, or the other option is live in pain. Doesnt seem very difficult to me.
Hang in there, your post really is proof thats in the pudding, that your a tms candidate. |
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Feel like I'm being tortured - Sciatic pain now
