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DiskPain
25 Posts |
 Posted - 12/22/2004 : 05:54:44
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| I took the GMATs yesterday and had been sort of preparing for over a month now. It was a 3 hour exam with no break. I was very nervous about the test because it was going to determine whether I got into grad school. This week I had been getting a little better at not worrying about my pain. Last night, after the test, I got my scores and they were terrible. I am almost positive that I will not get in. I had to tell my family about the scores and it was embarrassing. Even though they were not upset, I was upset. Last night my back tightened up this morning has begun to start that anxious burning pain that feels like it will bring on an attack. I am trying not to think about it, but it is so powerful. I realize now that I will have to study again for the next attempt at this test and that is why my pain is here. Also, from the anger and self doubt that goes along with not doing well and having to tell people I am not in grad school now. I just wish the fact that I know why my pain is here would reduce it. My pain is not even pain resembling an injury anymore. It is this worried nervous anxious pain. I know that coping with these test results won't help, because my inner mind is still angry. What can I do to beat these symptoms? |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2004 : 07:44:31
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This is one time where simply ignoring the pain is not enough. Clearly the GMATs are causing significant anxiety for you.
You said: "I realize now that I will have to study again for the next attempt at this test and that is why my pain is here." This is far too simplistic an explanation. You must dig deeper. How does the child inside you feel about all this?
The child is in a rage! It's pissed off that you even have to take this stupid test in the first place. It's pissed off that the "adult you" has such high expectations. It's fearful that no matter how hard you study you will never get a good score, because you're just not good enough.
The unconscious rage that fuels TMS stems mostly from the pressure you put on yourself to succeed, which stems from a deeper feeling of low self-esteem. You have a strong need to prove yourself by scoring high on this test, and at the same time you are anxious that you won't be able to do it. The child inside you doesn't want any of this. It wants to be left alone -- it wants to be taken care of -- it wants to be free from adult responsibilities; free from the self-imposed pressure to perform.
The above is hypothetical, but maybe you will find that some of it applies to you. The main point is, the unconscious rage is different from the conscious anxiety. Being anxious about the fact that you have to study again for the test does not cause TMS. Unconsciously you are in a blind rage about the test, but for different reasons. Dig deep and try to experience those feelings. Even if you can't, its the exercise of trying that will alleviate the pain.
Also, I find it interesting that this is the first time you have mentioned the GMATs. Clearly this was a huge pressure on you, and probably the main cause of your TMS pain. Yet, you didn't discuss it here. I think maybe that you never appreciated the full gamut of feelings that have accompanied this test. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2004 : 08:52:27
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Holy Moly...like Dave just said..
"Also, I find it interesting that this is the first time you have mentioned the GMATs. Clearly this was a huge pressure on you, and probably the main cause of your TMS pain. Yet, you didn't discuss it here." -Dave
My father was Mr. Perfect...My whole life I had the paradigm of perfection ingrained in my head,and the reason I didn't even BoThEr with scholastic endeavors was,how 'ya going to beat this?:
Stanford Undergrad/Harvard Business School MBA ?????
so...slowly as a result of Therapy which made me ASK my Brother and Mother questions about my Father.....
I found out he barely graduated Stanford because he was such a Party-guy ...he was discharged from the military in '43 and was one of ohhh maybe 40 guys/500 girls at stanford...you do the Math.
Than...MY MOM put him through grad school!!. He wasn't any "self-made" man...My mom worked her ass off so "mr Smoking Jacket" could have the Ve Ri Tas chair in his study......
The idea that we are supposed to excel and be perfect is usually ingrained as a value into our subconscious by people who were far less than perfect....you are going to have to dig deeeep on this one Brother.....whose Idea was it to go to Grad school? Why? What does a Grad degree mean to you? Is it symbolic of some sort of achievement,or necessary for some other reason?
You said you had been "sort of preparing"...Do you think you might have done better if you'd taken them more seriously....they do throw your old score out when you re-take them,unless they've changed the system....my brother like to brag about his 1490 on the SAT...I rarely hear him tell anybody about the 1120 he got the first time.....being smart/intelligent has NOTHING to do with taking tests......
I hope you can get some perspective on this one D-pain...this is a BIG deal as far as your back pain goes.....
I think you're on the way
peace
Baseball65 |
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DiskPain
25 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2004 : 11:21:31
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| Very true about the GMATs and grad school. My parents have been pressuring me to go to grad school for a year now. I have TMS before that though. I finally decided to try it. I don't even know why I am going other than to impress myself and others. I think I am using it as a self esteem booster. I want to go because my company pays for it 100% and I really have never had any skill learned from undergrad. I know for a fact that my unconcious mind is extremely upset about it. It does not want to take up evenings in school or study after a full day of work. I know that for a fact. I don't think my mind wants to grow up at all. I do feel that grad school will give me a sense of accomplishment. I have so much at 26, but I never feel like I am smart enough for the real world. I am bored by my current job and feel grad school might give me the equiptment to go elsewhere. I still feel that I am doing it 60% for my parents. It is amazing that you guys can realize the way I think and don't even know me. Thanks, this is really helping. |
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NLK
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2004 : 12:32:18
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Have you considered doing something that really lights you up inside, instead of doing something because
- your company pays for it
- you think it's expected of you
- you think it might impress someone
- you think it might boost your self esteem?
It clearly sounds like you have no real investment in grad school, and no clear plan of how it would help you.
*I* don't have (or want) a graduate degree, but from my experience it isn't going to do anything for you if you don't already have a specific plan for what it's going to do for you.
Why don't you think about what it is you really want to do... and if you don't know (which is OK!) read and work through a book such as The Pathfinder by Nicholas Lore, or 48 Days to the Work you Love by Dan Miller.
It's ok to not have a clear direction right now... but it probably isn't a great idea to force yourself to do something you think is "supposed to be" good for you, when in reality it isn't what you should be doing right now. Give yourself a break, and get creative about thinking about what to do next for your life. You may find a release in including this stuff in your TMS journaling, and letting your creative and dreamer side play a bit while you brainstorm.
Don't let the GMAT shred your back. It isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. Your health and peace of mind are much more important!
Good luck :-)
Nancy |
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DiskPain
25 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 05:48:35
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This is true about me maybe doing grad school for the wrong reasons. I do think some positives are:
My company pays 100% of it.
I would like to do something creative like marketing.
I am young and would like to do this for more options in case my career interests change.
My big stress is how I am going to handle having kids while going to school and work. My wife has been talking to me about having kids for a month or two now and it scares the life out of me. It makes me feel like I am old and like my days of relaxation and selfishness are over. I am already having difficulty adjusting to the real world and now we are adding kids. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 06:50:09
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quote:
Originally posted by DiskPain
My wife has been talking to me about having kids for a month or two now and it scares the life out of me.
Clearly this is a major source of your TMS. There are so many deep feelings associated with having children. The reasons you give for not wanting children are superficial. Dig deeper. |
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DiskPain
25 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 06:58:46
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| What is deeper than not wanting to give up free time and get older? I am worried that it will effect my relationship with my wife. I don't want to give up a romantic relationship and become just a mother and father. I am not ready to grow up yet. Is that deep enough? I also worry that my baby will not be beautiful or perfect. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 08:30:48
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quote:
Originally posted by DiskPain
What is deeper than not wanting to give up free time and get older? I am worried that it will effect my relationship with my wife. I don't want to give up a romantic relationship and become just a mother and father. I am not ready to grow up yet. Is that deep enough? I also worry that my baby will not be beautiful or perfect.
These are all important and it's good you're adressing them. By "deeper" I mean to try to figure out how it might be affecting you on an unconscious level. Really, none of us are "ready to grow up." That is one of the main ingredients of TMS: the child in us just wants to be left alone, to be taken care of, to be free from the responsibilities and pressures that life places on us. The child is in a blind rage that you are forcing him to grow up, to go to graduate school, to have children...
At some point, after journaling diligently about these kinds of thoughts, you might find yourself slipping into a pure emotional state. Maybe you will feel like punching a pillow with anger, or maybe you will start to cry uncontrollably. I believe that trying to experience those kinds of raw emotions is very beneficial in treating TMS. They're inside you, somewhere ... but they're covered up by layers of other emotions (anger, anxiety) and defenses. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 08:46:08
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Hi D-P.
You said it Brother!
I know what Dave means...there is always a deeper conflict,but at least your starting out being honest.
No man that I've ever known has enjoyed losing the attention of our wives,the "girlfriend" becoming a nursemaid,etc.
But each one of us has a different reason WHY....
I always use WHY as the great reductor when I'm journaling...if I come to a reason in the journal I reduce it again with a WHY.
after 2 or 3 reductions ,I usually end up with something simple like: Because I'll be alone or because I'm afraid of the unknown.
I was your exact age when I had my first son....I was WAY too young....(LOL!)
Now,I'm one of the younger Fathers when we're in Baseball or school functions and I see kids whose parents waited until they were OK to have kids...the dads are in their 50's and 60's and can't even throw a ball(many of course because of the mythology that we know to be false)...I'm now GLAD I had them while I can still play and compete with them.
The point I'm trying to make is,I still feel the way you do and I've been a parent for 12 years
and after your kids are born and they are Beautiful and perfect,that the TMSer in you will want their experience to be Beautiful and perfect...it never ends...the only sanity or reason comes from introspection and self awareness...and that's a life time project,not a check you can take to the Bank.
I bet you really love your wife? I love mine..that's why she drives me crazy.
Your kids will be perfect becuase they are a product of the love you have with your wife......they're not little stepford children we can shape out of clay....I know..I've tried!
As far as your time,I actually got BETTER at spending my time when I had less of it.....no more idling around timekillers like TV,Nightclubs,stripbars,projects with people I know are flakes and won't follow thru....
anyways,you sure are chewing this up fassssst...I imagine at his rate you'll be an olympic Gymnast by February!!
Dave's right....keep digging.
You rule brother!
Baseball65 |
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GMAT
