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mcone
114 Posts |
 Posted - 10/06/2008 : 20:30:46
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I had an extraordinary cathartic "breakthrough" of emotions today - at a group therapy session (joined after escalation of chest pains last month).
I finally let it out (with quite a bit of screaming):
"It's eating me up that I want to start a family, but I don't feel capable of doing so...
...that I could not bear to repeat the mistakes of my parents (they lacked certain competencies, were irresponsible, etc.)...
...I know I would be a good parent, I have unending patience, playfulness (when not in pain)...I'm perceptive, I know how to model good behaviors, etc...
(and finally…)
...BUT I CAN'T DO THAT NOW...AND I AM SO F***ING ANGRY THAT, AT THE PEAK OF MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE, I LOST THE (OCCUPATIONAL) USE OF MY HAND (RIGHT WRIST RSI) – LOSING THE STATURE I WORKED SO MANY YEARS TO REACH... AND I'M IN PAIN ALL THE TIME..."
What’s the conundrum?
The conundrum is that this didn’t feel like displaced anger at all. The rage and frustration *felt* genuinely tied directly and predominantly to the physical pain and disability of my wrist – and the pervasive effects it’s had on my life.
Sure, I can *think* of many, many possible anxieties or other hidden sources of rage surrounding the whole issue…
(Fear of failure, sense of self worth, anxiety over relationships, pressure to have the “perfect” family, conflicts with other life goals, existential questions about the meaning and purpose of it all, etc.)
Ongoing Sources of Rage?
Problem is, NONE of those OTHER things really seem like true sources of ongoing rage for me *anymore…* as I’ve continued to “think psychologically” about these things and place them into perspective for a long time. These days, I see many of these issues as fairly universal to the human condition – things I can just come to terms with – they are largely resolvable, manageable or unresolvable and accepted for what they are. Of course, there is some level of anxiety...but the foremost obstacle in my mind is still the wrist pain (and other hand pain), how it significantly impairs my quality of life.
Same old question in another package: "Is this really TMS?"
So now I’m caught between trying to accept this as some type of manageable disability on the one hand (VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY difficult – REFUSAL to see myself as disabled…this causes intense rage) …
and some kind of psychosomatic process on the other (VERY attractive to me to think that my body can bounce back --- but why hasn’t it yet? And why don’t the psychological underpinnings really ring true anymore?)
Conundrum
This is a conundrum because the rage driving TMS should be something other than the rage created by the symptoms themselves. Rage generated by the effects of symptoms CANNOT be the dominant dynamic that sustains TMS – that would be circular – it would mean a defense mechanism without a legitimate target - a conundrum.
Yet another conundrum here is that realistically “Getting on with life” (my “normal” life) right now for me, even if possible, would require at a minimum, some extreme attention to ergonomics, possibly alternative input devices and assistive technology. This, of course, inevitably leads to physical thinking, which I’ve been avoiding – a conundrum.
And I may not even be able to go back to my profession. Woking for me again might demand a wholesale changes to accommodate physical limitations (At least it seems that way) and I really don't want to have to face leaving a successful and rewarding career path (financial analysis, contract drafting and technology law consulting, ), just as I'm reaching my prime earning years - that took years to build to my level.
TMS as a defense Mechanism?
So I sometimes wonder if I'm using TMS as a defense mechanism:
i.e., To the extent that I am “invested” in the psychosomatic model to explain my (wrist and hand) symptoms, I’m actually using TMS to avoid going back to life with a disability that I CANNOT come to terms with.
In a sense, I actually feel some sense of “relief” and reduced tension, when I think of abandoning TMS altogether – Unfortunately, there is no confidence-inspiring alternative diagnoses, no doctor that can explain my symptoms, no objective evidence of any treatable (or even untreatable) problem, little direction to manage symptoms, no ability to assess, quantify, predict or project what the course of this will be, etc. Just significant symptoms and a bunch of amorphous, speculative (physiological) hunches about why I have them and what I may or may not be able to do about them. I certainly don’t want to face THAT! How does one navigate through a debilitating but inexplicable and unpredicable range of symptoms? How could I undertake responsibility for a family under these circumstances?
But the case for TMS can still be made
And yet, the circumstantial evidence for TMS (the only kind of evidence for TMS) is quite compelling:
TIMING. Concededly, and significantly, advancing my life and starting a family was a huge theme that I was avoiding prior to the onset of the physical problems. (I had been “putting these things on hold” for years, for a better job, more money, feeling better about myself, etc.). Onset of physical problems seemed to coincide with increasing recognition that my age window for family was rapidly closing – and a level of career success that eliminated those excuses, albeit with an unusual amount of stress and job conflict).
SYMPTOM PATTERNS: Definitely have seen symptoms wax and wane somewhat depending upon shifts and potential shifts in life circumstances, periods of experience that were life enhancing, and especially relationships with family in New York. In hindsight, these things may have correlated with symptoms FAR MORE than deliberate TMS work. In fact, there was one brief period of about 3 weeks or so, where symptoms eased up significantly BEFORE I even knew about Sarno – it occurred during and following a period where I traveled with my sister’s family in Europe and where I felt connected to family. (SOOTHING increase). A difficult period of conflict with my sister followed some time later.
So I’m quite overwhelmed and confused and highly suggestible. One day, I think one thing, another day, something else.
Any thoughts appreciated...
PS
One "conflict" I've struggled with for years is whether I should go back to NY (or stay in MN). I KNOW I need to go back to NY - My being "stuck" in MN may have something to do with my being "stuck" with my symptoms. I *tentatively* plan on moving before the end of the year.
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Edited by - mcone on 10/06/2008 20:39:05 |
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mcone
114 Posts |
Posted - 10/09/2008 : 20:57:45
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...I'll take a stab at answering my own post in Sarno jargon:
While my "Rage/Soothe" ratio has been dramatically unbalanced for a long time...the symptoms only served to unbalance the equation much further for another two years - so it makes sense that it isn't easy to discern between the "orginal" Rage resulting from unbalanced emotional life before symptoms and Rage resulting from unbalanced emotional life post symptoms.
The more complex answer I think is that these stress disorders: TMS, Autonomic Nervous System overload, Fibromyalgia, RSI, etc. can be quite stubborn and complex. While Sarno's framework may be essentially correct in terms of inputs (Conflict and Rage, Soothe, fear conditioning) and outputs, I don't think his materials sufficiently address the "black box" that mediates the process and the more complex "troubleshooting" needed for difficult cases of TMS - (other than to suggest that more serious psychological issues may be at work in individuals that are having more trouble recovering).
This answer is only partially right, I think, depending on your point of view about psychology/neurology. My sense about myself is that some deeply rooted and pervasive sense of profound malaise is driving the black box - some type of amorophous, hard to describe, sense of void at the foundation of my "soul" - at a more fundamental level than the rage or even the sadness (it's two most basic "expressions").
Is this a chemical/neurological state of the organic, physical brain? Probably. (In the recent "Hypochondriasis" topic, I posted information about a dopamine connection). Is this a result of genetics? Probably. Is this a result of environmental factors? Probably. Can this be influenced or altered by environment, experience, thinking patterns? Probably - but it likely takes substantial, wholesale changes in one's life to do this.
I'm planning on relocating soon - because I recognize that I'm simply not allowing myself to be happy where I'm living now. It just feels "wrong" for me to be living here in the midwest - and not out East - not an entirely rationale feeling, but one that definitely is weighing heavily on my soul. For me, I suspect this change could get me through my impasse - certainly not a complete solution, but a critical component that I've been missing. |
Edited by - mcone on 10/09/2008 21:09:40 |
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LuvtoSew
USA
327 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2008 : 08:27:17
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Read you post, didn't know your history so I read your other posts. You are a good writer-Im not, but I'll take a stab at it.
After reading your posts I found out your a professional, and sound hard driven and very responsable and intelligent. You are in your mid 40's and feel like time is running out to start a family, and all you worked for is being threatened, and your lively hood.
My career was cut short with a dx of MS, so I can relate to that, I never quite understood what people did if they didn't work, as I had always worked, so at first I felt like a worthless person not working, and it sounds like you have really poured your heart and soul into your work- putting it on the front buner of your life.
Do I believe in TMS (mind/body effect)=yes. Has all that healed me- just knowing it- no, but if made me open my eyes, especially reading the success stories(as I have a hard time separating the physical part too-maybe due to being a nurse- in nursing school I remember how learing about all these disease we would all think we were coming down with one-really-made you concentrate so much on the body and symptoms, and of course we were all under alot of stress.
You said "(In the recent "Hypochondriasis" topic, I posted information about a dopamine connection). Is this a result of genetics? Probably. Is this a result of environmental factors? Probably. Can this be influenced or altered by environment, experience, thinking patterns? Probably - but it likely takes substantial, wholesale changes in one's life to do this."
I agree that our bodies are able to adapt well to circumstances in our lives, unfortunately long term worry, fear, indecision, etc. lead to stress and anxiety and keeps us locked in a "fight or flight" phase which then our neurotransmiters and hormones become unbalanced and wreak havoc with our bodies. And it just escalates and feeds upon itself till what some of us end up with is fibro and other diseases, until we can resolve our conflicts in our life to give our bodies time to calm down and become more restful and function properly its just gets worst and worst. I feel it can be genetic in the way that- I do believe my mother introduced me to "worry" so I became a worry wart (just like her) so I did inherit it from her but it was a learned behavior.
The years before my MS symtoms occured I was burning the candle at both ends (both physically and emotionally), and my body started to say-I just can't keep up with you anymore, you have used me up, and as hard as I tryed to ignore all my symptoms and keep going, the more my body became in charge and told me what I was going to do and not do , took me awhile, but that is the way I look at it now.
I don't know the answer, its different for eveyone.
For me I feel that I had kinda abondoned my faith, put it on a back burner and I hate to say it but I ran back to my faith as I was so at a hopeless state in my mind. And that was 18 years ago and if you think that I didn't learn my lesson the first time , well your right, when I started to feel so much better and returned to work, several years later I let my faith become second in my life again and bam. So for me its my faith that keeps me going day by day.
Woops, I wrote a book, but I feel your in pain and conflict, in your heart, like where do I belong, and what is the purpose in my life, like there is a tug or war going on in yourself if you should move or not.
Boy sorry I just rambled on and on, just to let you know when I could no longer work ,I then got deep in my mind and found a since of void or black box as you say, as I always worked and felt quilty and worthless when I couldn't, not that you feel worthless, but I did. I do think its harder when tms or whatever it is keeps us from working, as working in my mind is therapy, as long as we like our work and job.
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Edited by - LuvtoSew on 10/10/2008 08:32:44 |
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TMS Conundrum
