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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
 Posted - 05/13/2008 : 23:08:59
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So after all the recs on this forum, I recently finally bought Facing the Fire. This book: awesome. It's so great because it explains really well how to deal with anger so that you express yourself, but no one gets hurt. I really appreciated his stuff about dealing with anger at work and sorting out past anger from present anger. He also has a lot of thoughts about verbally expressing anger in relationships and how to do (and not do) that, which I think will really help me in the future.
I found recently that I inadvertently followed the book's advice at work at some point last year. I (oddly) can't even remember why I was so upset, except it was about some email written by my VP about something they were going to do, but I left the office for a while, wandered around, cried, and found a stick and must have hit about twenty trees with it before I felt calm enough to go back inside.
I repeated something similar today when getting criticized about something upset me beyond reason, only this time after talking to myself about things for a while I went straight for looking for a stick and decided to hit the ground instead of the trees (they are redwood trees and I wasn't sure if someone might see me come out and say "stop hitting these pretty trees!" ...this probably was a rather silly worry). All I got was a few bits of torn skin from the rough surface of the stick, and I felt SO MUCH BETTER afterward.
He talks about how if you store anger in your arms and shoulders, hitting stuff might be a good fit. This definitely works for me, although I also have used suggestions to make faces and noises (for dealing with confusion) and suggestions to yell or "yell silently" (doing yelling but with no vocal cord activation -- great for non-private places).
Doing this kind of thing as I feel the need, along with verbalizing my emotion to myself, is so far really helping me stay aware of my emotions and discharge them better. I highly recommend this book. I think along with Sarno and a few other books it will land on the "$12 Solutions to Big Life Problems" list!
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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Curiosity18
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2008 : 22:47:40
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ACL-
That's great news! I'm glad that releasing some of that pent-up energy has been so helpful. I think it is unfortunate that very few psychotherapists utilize physical release as a therapeutic modality anymore. Apparently the current research literature suggests that this approach (punching pillows, hitting with bataccas) can actually increase anger/aggression and worsen the situation!
Your experience makes me want to reread this book and rethink this
approach.
As always, thanks for sharing-
Curiosity |
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chester
49 Posts |
Posted - 05/15/2008 : 04:23:47
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| I'm about 50 pages into the book so far. Really insightful stuff. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/15/2008 : 12:16:32
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Curiousity -- I think it probably depends. Lee does not recommend his book for people with aggression and impulse control issues -- he says it could cause them to become even more dangerous and they should not read it.
I think also it depends a lot on how you think about what you're doing and what your goal is. The idea he is putting across is that anger is a physical feeling and needs to be physically discharged. He suggests expressing your emotion in terms of "I'm angry!" and other exclamations, and just by yelling without words. He doesn't emphasize this but I think he really does not promote thinking about why you're angry when you do this, and he definitely does not promote demonizing the other person (if it's a person you're angry with) or exaggerating the situation, although it's permissible to direct your anger at them (put their face mentally on a pillow you're hitting, e.g). The idea is purely to discharge the physical energy without hurting yourself or anyone else, so that you can then go on to have healthy, appropriate interactions around issues that bother you.
He is really, really big on not hurting other people with your anger, but also expressing it -- with respect and without intent to hurt or blame -- once you are sure it's appropriate and important to do so. He talks about how if your anger is really strong, unless you are in a situation where you are in danger of your life, it is probably past anger coming up in the present and you need to discharge it safely before you can deal with your appropriate, present anger (if any -- I have had the situations I mentioned where the past anger is 99% of what I'm feeling and the rest is discharged by taking a deep breath and walking around a bit!). This takes a lot of strength in relationships because you have to be able to communicate that you're angry and you need to deal with it before you talk about because of your concern that otherwise you will bring the past to the present.
There is a lot in it about using "I" statements, like in Non-violent Communication, which has also come up on the board recently (and which I've also read). You say things like "I felt angry when you didn't show up on time because I was..." So you keep it specific and talk about why the interaction made you angry, because it didn't meet an expectation or desire that you had. You don't make it about the other person, just about how their behavior affects you. (My therapist calls a similar activity around all feelings "speaking your truth".
So overall I think Lee has a really healthy focus on how to deal with anger, and I am not sure I would rely on studies that used other methods to say how people are affected by his. For me it has definitely been positive. I am able to stop thinking about and magnifying the anger because I've dealt with the energy directly and I can move on to dealing with the situation appropriately.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
Edited by - armchairlinguist on 05/15/2008 12:21:31 |
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darlin
13 Posts |
Posted - 05/15/2008 : 14:31:34
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I Bought a stand up Kick / Punching bag. It was the best hundred bucks I ever spent....  |
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campbell28
80 Posts |
Posted - 05/15/2008 : 15:04:39
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i would definitely also say big up john lee. and about not thinking too much about the anger but just letting it out. i've found sometimes that its only after i've let the feeling out (i've mainly been punching a rolled up duvet and throwing silent toddler-style tantrums) that i sort of come to realise why it was there in the first place. or sometimes i still have no idea, but it's still better to have got it out.
he also talks about the fact that anger is a kind of energy, and it is possible for it to turn into a different kind of energy. i've only noticed this once, when I was kind of stressed and worried and cross about something I was going to do, and then I thought - why am I so cross about it? and realised that actually I was kind of excited but I didn't want to let myself be excited - as if that was too childish, or something - so I was feeling angry instead.
very weird. but i actually felt myself going from angry to excited. which was cool. and i guess if anger is physical, and can be let out physically, that is actually a useful kind of energy - rolling around punching things is quite a good work-out. but if its all stuck inside and you're using more energy to keep it stuck there (think i may be paraphrasing john lee now) thats not useful or healthy. |
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Facing the Fire report: hitting stuff with sticks!
