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darlin
13 Posts |
 Posted - 05/09/2008 : 10:42:07
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Hello to all of you. I just finished reading Dr. Sarno's book. A little history about my back pain....
It started about 5 years ago but came to stay with me over the past 9 months or so. Since then I have had an MRI, X rays, Physical Therapy, and mutiple specialist apointments that seem to be on going. I next am being refered to a pain specialist. They have had me on every from lexapro, to lyrica, to xanax and percocet. :( I am so fed up that everyday I wanna cry. The book made total sense to me and for the first time gave me hope that I may be able to cure myself. I do need help however...
I now daily recognize my emotions where I didnt before.. and I am indeed pissed off and full of anxiety ALOT. Mostly those feelings go un noticed until a heavy night of drinking and I "Loose it". I'll either cry in fits of rage and pick a fight or weep to sleep. Not cool..... and sooo not me.
Here are my goals:
1) Manage my emotions in a healthy manner while sober.
2) End this pain in my lower back and legs and wherever it mysteriosly appears. It is so frustrated to wake up in pain every day... and frankly I had lost hope for any kind of a cure until I read this book.
3) Be able to stop taking the pain killers. I am really afraid I may have some kind of dependency on them and I am scared. The doctor is trying to ween me off of them but until my pain is gone or they figure out a better way to manage it, the idea is very scary.
4) Hopefully feel well soon, and help others to do the same. At the end of the book I cried and cried.... thinking about all of the loved ones in my life that suffer and may be able to benefit from this knowledge.
On that note.... I am sure I have much more to share... but this is a start. I want to get well. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm cranky, in pain, depressed, living in fear and still acting as if I am just fine (Until my back ceases and stops me in my tracks, and its unavoidable). No body knows whats wrong with me... doctors have no clue. To the rest of the world... my collegues and friends.. I am a hard working, loyal and dedicated person. Enough said for now.... where do I go from here..... |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 11:15:41
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I'm cranky, in pain, depressed, living in fear and still acting as if I am just fine
Yikes! Sounds like you're a typical TMSer... 
One thing you might find helpful, just as a start, is when you feel cranky, depressed, angry, fearful, use words to describe the feeling to yourself. If you can, maybe go somewhere private (even if just a closet) and say them out loud, or write them down in a journal ('journaling'). That might help you keep in touch with the feelings without them being overwhelming and you breaking down totally. Just be with the feeling, say it to yourself, acknowledge it.
You may be able to move on after that to sharing some of the feelings you have with people you trust.
quote:
I'll either cry in fits of rage and pick a fight or weep to sleep. Not cool.....
Well, picking fights isn't necessarily cool, but there's nothing wrong with the rest of it even if it is unpleasant and not fun. Emotions are powerful and we need some way to vent them.
Changing your response to emotions from repression that surfaces as physical pain to health requires approaching emotions differently, as something that's okay to feel strongly. Even 'negative' emotions like rage and sadness are ok, and normal. They're part of being alive.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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darlin
13 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 11:43:40
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Thank you for the advice! I have been thinking that writing would be good for me. but I never thought about writing just words to discribe my emotions.
Kinda sad and happy all at the same time to hear that I sound like a typical TMS'r. Sad that this is something I have to live with but happy that it can be something I dont have to live with everyday. Gives me some hope where I have been feeling like there was none until now. 
Thanks again...
Anyone else? |
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 19:29:52
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quote:
Originally posted by darlin
Not cool..... and sooo not me.
Hi darlin,
I understand that you meant that you don't want to be suppressing your feelings so much that they can only come out if you have something to drink, and then they come out inappropriately, and that you want to manage your emotions in a healthy way. But the phrase you used there, "sooo not me," made me think of how I've had to change my perception of who and what I really am, because my old perception was one of the reasons that I couldn't recognize my real emotions and kept stuffing them away. Those real emotions didn't fit with my perception of the kind of person I "should" be.
So it's been helpful for me to give thought to how and why I developed that former perception of what I should be and to realize that the way to stop having inappropriate outbursts was to figure out a more realistic view of who and what I am. I'm still learning how to not be ashamed of some of my feelings, how to accept them as part of the real me instead of suppressing and denying them. As Armchairlinguist said, it's ok to have these emotions, it's normal.
This forum and the books that have been suggested by other members have been so useful to me as I learn about who I really am and how to stop worrying so much about whether the rest of the world sees me as "hard working, loyal and dedicated." (You picked just the right words to describe the image I was always trying to live up to.)
The fact that you are still acting as if you're just fine in spite of the pain leads me to think that maybe you've got a picture of the kind of person you "should" be in your conscious mind, but your subconscious mind is trying to tell you that the picture is a bit off and that trying to live up to that picture is not allowing for your real inner needs to be met.
You've come to the right place to discover where to go from here. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2008 : 07:05:51
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Hey D.
Welcome. You'll probably be surprised, but this isn't something you HAVE to live with, it's something you GET to live with. When you recover, it actually puts you in a point of advantage because you don't have to remember the laundry list of admonitions about your back, all of the BS about how to avoid problems and all of the mythology concerning your frailty.
Most of us end up going back to activities we had given up in the past because of their likelihood to 'injure' us.
I was around 32 when I finally hit bottom, and now I feel like I just had the best decade of my life..(well...at least Physically LLOLOLOLOLOL)
Example: Yesterday my son's school had 'field day'. It was a series of sports stations...potato sacks, football throws, kickball...the usual 4th grade stuff. I ditched work and went. I played kickball, ran around, threw the football,etc,etc,etc.
I heard a little girl ask my son "Is that your dad? That's cool... I wish my dad could still run"
I doubt that her dad is a paraplegic. He's probably just one of the other victims of the Medical Juggernaut who has been given 'the list'
(don't run, don't bend, don't throw, don't lean, don't stand, don't sit,etc,etc,etc)
That in mind, I saw you mention your thoughts about sharing Sarno. I am sure my peers here will agree that this is very dangerous water. I remember the first guy who told me about Sarno and my overwhelming feeling of wanting to lash out at him. I apologized to him about 18 months later after the surgeries and the umpteenth epidural,treatment,placebo,whatever.
But in the meantime, the best thing you can do for them is to work on your own recovery. There is no better testimony than recovery...and you can...110% recoverED. This isn't AA where your 'always in recovery'. You can be better than you were 5 years ago in a matter of weeks. Some people take a little longer but by and large, out of all my friends who I personally turned on to Sarno, every single one got better fast, with only an occasional flare up (we're talking days out of years) Some got better faster.
I find I have a hard time explaining Sarno to my friends, so I usually just pitch them a copy of Healing Back Pain. Sarno writes a hell of a lot better than I can talk.
The fact that you cried is important because it means it probably meant something truly profound to your deepest senses. You just reminded me that after I read it and began to work on getting better, I'd always sing 'Amazing Grace' to myself.
Keep reading. Do the daily review and follow the three R's.
Refute the BS diagnoses,Recondition your Brain, Return to activity.
welcome
-bb65 |
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darlin
13 Posts |
Posted - 05/12/2008 : 10:34:08
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Thank you all so much. All the things said feel so right on and are giving me food for thought. I am realizing more and more what an emotional person I am. And littlebird you are so right.... about the perception of myself and what I "should be" may not be helping me to get well. Maybe, I am not as tuff as I think I have to be... and maybe I really don't need to be. Why do I always feel like Im threatened??
My boyfriend and I got into a fight friday night again about why do I feel like I always have to be on gaurd. It's like I think I have to protect myself and everyone around me all the time. It's kind of a buzz killer when you feel like you always have to watch your back and everyone elses around you. My boyfriend has never been in a fight in his life... and I look down on this cuz I feel like if something bad happened or a bad person were to ever put us in danger it would be me that would have to stand up. I shuldnt look down on him for never having to fight.. in fact, I should repsect and admire him for it.
I am turning 30 this year and have not had to physicly fight in half my life. I need to let it go.... it's hurting the people around me. maybe that's it... I need to grow up and realize I am not some 15 year old street kid anymore... I am a grown woman.. with a career, a beautiful home, a wonderful boyfriend, a cat and an old dog. Life is good and there is no reason to live my life in fear.... I so wanna cry right now. I guess that's good right?  |
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