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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
 Posted - 05/06/2008 : 12:02:47
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so i just figured something out that's been tripping me up for a while. for the longest time i couldn't figure out why i actually felt anxious about my symptoms when they would appear. it was always this huge fear response whenever the slightest thing would happen. the weird part is my symptoms don't actually hurt bad enough to actually warrant that reaction. at their best they are slightly annoying/inconvenient.
i just figured out what i was actually afraid of. it wasn't the symptoms themselves, but the emotional reaction to them that i feared. see, i've got this thing where if i screw up doing just about anything i get severely punished in my own head. (thanks mom). so what was happening was that every time i had a little tms symptom pop up, no matter how insignificant, i became intensely afraid because i was afraid of being punished for not being good enough. wooow. talk about a burden. perfectionism sucks.
i wrote this because i'm sure some of you have the same problem but haven't caught it in the act yet. most of my problems stem from this firey self-loathing that was graciously donated to me by my parents and peers, and tms recovery is no exception.
peace
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 12:04:54
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oh, what i mean about "not being good enough" is kinda like "oh, you haven't recovered fully yet, good job dumb-ss, get back to work on that." ugh.
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 16:27:33
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But remember...waaaaay down there in the part you can't get to...we can never ever get in trouble with Mommy either. She can tell me I was unwanted, unplanned, that I'll never be as good as my father,or as good as my brother, that I am a problem, that I will work in a gas station , that I will be a ditch digger, that I am a coward, that I never apply myself, that I am a quitter ....that's all I can remember off the top of my head.
In spite of that, I still get a TMS flare up 'cause she came all the way across the country to go to an obscure cousin's wedding , but didn't drive an hour to see me....for the first time in five years (or her only two grandchildren..my sons)
You know how in war movies they always show the guys in death throes crying for their Mom's ????(saving private Ryan) What's up with that?? I swear to Buddah, I'm gonna' yell "Dad... I'm comin' home!"
It's dark and dirty, but were so deeply Oedipally conflicted that no amount of cerebral paperwork can illuminate that filthy little womb. The very best we can do is make a painting titled "Overview of the conditioned Lab rat" and stare at it.
"Watch Algernon hesitate to leave the nest.Mommy-Rodent is chewing him bloody and still...wait?----- See him run fast to mate with the other sexually mature rat.Uh Oh!......first he must fight the other male Rodent. Kill Algernon, Kill!! Yay...He's mastered his opponent....now he's finally arrived. Breed Algernon, Breed! Oh wait...he accidentally chose a mate exactly like the mother he left. Run Algernon, Run !!!!......why is Algernon choosing the "Narcotic" button rather than the "Food" or "Mate" button...bad Algernon! You are a neurotic. Off to the Lab Rat Chronic pain facility with you....you are a poorly conditioned Lab Rat...shame on you , you dirty bastard "
But, it seems like your right on time. I hope my son (who has TMS by the way) is as in tune as you are when he's in college. That way he'll have a shot at freedom. The trick to getting out of the maze is just knowing that your in it...you can only get out by moving up, not left or right.
You rule.
-bb65 |
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Kareem
Canada
8 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2008 : 23:19:20
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That's all she told you Baseball  .
I am a quitter: yep, told me that.
I will work as a garbage man: Yep, if I didn't study or got a C in the middle of all those As. Oh, and when I actually had friends that weren't perfect themselves, which were most of them.
That I never apply myself: oh god...
That I am a quitter: Nah, she just told me I never finished what I started, repeaditly... oh wait...
I'm getting a pool this summer, I think the first thing I'll do is jump in and yell like that girl in Weeds did. |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2008 : 15:59:57
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it's weird, my mom was never so outspoken in her disapproval of me like all of you guys. i'm still trying to figure out where all this defectiveness actually spawned. i'm kind of confused actually. i seem to remember my dad as not being very supportive of things that i was proud of, which made me feel bad. and i remember that my mom was always pushing me to do well in school even though i hated it (i've always hated it). i guess i just picked up on a lot of subtleties and took them really hard. i guess i was a sensitive kid.
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
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the tms perfectionist in-cycle
