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cobal
Canada
2 Posts |
 Posted - 04/08/2008 : 19:41:42
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ive been reading this forum for several years and i have seen almost daily postings of people's stories and as much as i said id never do this i have to take my turn and give my story.
i will say right away that i am very grateful to many posters on this board who have given advice to people that also helped me in my search for a cure. i think this board is a great place of sharing, and while not for everyone, i think it is a source of hope for many people who dont know what to do in their stuggle with various pain conditions.
so here it goes,
4 years ago something started to happen. it was minor at first, occassional pain in my back after sitting in the car too long, on the toilet or just bending over to tie my shoes. small stuff.
i often felt abnormal amounts of pain after soccer or other sports but always figured it was part of the sport. soon id wake up in the morning and id be a bit stiff and in some pain in my back. id attempt to make a connection to what i did the day before and if it was nothing i thought of 2-3 days back.
then in the middle of a soccer game one day my back just gave out on me. i was feeling fine and this sudden tearing sensation in my back hit me. i collapsed, and the real problems started.
i was bedridden for 2 days before struggling to get to a chiropractor who was a friend of mine. he assured me id get better and just to come for twice weekly appointments. they were simple cracks and didnt feel like they did much. i could barely walk up the stairs let alone drive. it was awful. i was becoming scared id never get much better and become an invalid, additced to pain medication. i was only about 28 at the time but i felt like an old man.
evetually i got better. slowy i returned to activities i enjoyed. it took months. even then i was still in constant pain and prolonged sitting at work or in the car made it bad. i got sick of chiropractors and physio and just stopped everything.
i read the mind body prescription about 2 or 3 times, drank up whatever i could from it becuase it seemed right. i read up on back pain, and even read various books noted in the footnotes.
i had periods of good and bad pain but each and every morning i woke up very stiff and in a lot of pain before warming up a bit. it was always there.
i considered myself lucky that i could still stay active and keep my fear of hurting myself in check. but it ws like a constant cross to bear each and every day with that pain that just wouldnt go away.
after a few flare ups and a gradual integration of back pain in my life i began to avoid certain things that made it worse as much as i could. when renovating my apartment i struggled with alot of pain but still made it through. i couldnt understand how picking up a heavy load of wood was easy but crouching on the floor to pick up a small nail hurt.
i read the divided mine, many times over, discussed it with friends of mind in the medical profession, some sympathetic others not. i read and read and read everything i could that related to the TMS theory including the works of dr. davanloo and the Short Term dynamic psychotherapy school, dr. malan,carl jung and dr. marc sopher. dr. hamilton hall, Dr. Schechter's work book, and just finished dr. gabor mate's book "when the body says no"
i am a very fast reader and spent a considerable amount of time reading. i work in insurance and found i could speak with doctors about back pain issues at a level of depth sufficient to challange them and ask constructive and penetrating questions. other than my lack of understanding of physiology and anatomy i believe that 4 years of daily reading and my work experience (dealing with mostly chronic low back strains) have given me considerable insight into back pain. yet i still suffer and have hit a plateau of sorts.
i am very grateful to be an active person and can do most of what i want. but at times the constant pain feels like more and more of a burden, and all these years of thinking psychologically, of doing everything i can to drum up past experiences and rage hasnt changed the picture.
i finally gave in and got an mri, it showed degenerative disc disease and a torn disc with disc material in contact with the nerve root. my doctor felt this was bad and may require surgery if it got worse.
i ignored it and carried on, but its been months an im tired of having this problem, im tired of reading more and more becuase its all starting to sound the same. i feel like ive been given this cross to bear and its trying to tell me something but all my years of struggle are not yeilding much relief
ive tried everything i can short of seeing a therapist but there is an element of embarasment in it that i want to do it myself.
i think part of me needed to just write this to tell my story, and at the very least say thanks to the people who post encouraging stuff here day in and day out.,
cobal |
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1yehmon2
USA
19 Posts |
Posted - 04/08/2008 : 23:23:45
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| Have you tried the book yet called,Rapid Recovery from back and neck pain"? I understand it's a practical, how to book. I heard it was great. I ordered it from Amazon and am still waiting for it. The reviews were awesome. Maybe you just need a simple ,"how to" book rather than all this deep buried emotional stuff. I have also known for years that I have TMS and haven't been able to conquer it either. I am hoping this book is going to be the answer |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2008 : 06:59:08
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Cobal, thanks for sharing. I thought When the Body Says No was a great book and showed just how much physical stuff is emotionally-caused!
I hate the term DDD, which I was told I had. It is a "normal abnormality" as Dr. Sarno said. It does not cause pain. My MRI showed herniated disc that was pretty much empty and could be pressing on a nerve. It is now painless.
I would suggest WRITING out your feelings. Dig in there. I was amazed at what came out by starting to write. Also reading the Treatment section of The Divided Mind daily.
Focus on the good in your life and things for which you're grateful.
I understand your frustration at this point. I hope you find what is your answer to healing.
-Lori |
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sborthwick
87 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2008 : 08:48:01
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Try Claire Weeks - I have suffered from TMS for about 3 1/2 years now and I believe that Weeks is knocking it on the head.
And FYI, the MRI means NOTHING!! I can assure you that the body is just too clever. Most people have bulging discs by the age of 18. The body switches the nerve off so you feel no pain.
It sounds like this pain is dominating your life - and understandably. But your Fear and obsession with getting over it is fuelling it. I think that Claire Weeks will help you alot. You see - all these symptoms are just an overloaded, over sensitive nervous system......you have to really believe that there is no harm in your back. I switch between anxiety and sciatic nerve pain. I can banish the back pain really quickly now because I think it is so silly and it doesn't not scare me at all. I get a flare up but it goes. My challenge is the constant worrying. Claire Weeks is really helping me. I have had 3 days of no anxiety for the first time in years. Of course, my back flared up but this morning I really thought about it and laughed. Guess what....it has gone away.
The trick - don't be scared. Your body is just really oversensitive to your thoughts. It is on constant edge. All of this pain is caused by your mind. You are in control and the answer lies in you.
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2008 : 10:55:16
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If you read all those books very quickly, I would recommend doing a slow re-read. It'll help the principles get really into your head.
If I had to guess I would say that like many people you are focusing too much on the advice to think psychological and not enough on the advice to stop worrying about the physical and repeatedly repudiate the idea that the physical issues are causing the pain. The fact that you went to get an MRI recently shows you are still concerned about the physical.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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drziggles
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2008 : 11:20:14
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I agree with the above posters--it's time for you to stop reading, and start working on the problem. It seems to me that this incessant drive to read everything on TMS that some people have is another way to avoid doing the difficult emotional work that is needed to actually recover from TMS. If you noticed, even in your post you've written a lot about your symptoms and the books you've read, and nothing about your emotional state and its relation to your pain. Reading isn't what helps, it's the reflecting, journaling, reprogramming your brain that does. Put the books down and get to work!
Naturally, you should consult your doctor before making any medical decisions... |
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westcoastram
97 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2008 : 15:15:39
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Cobal,
First, I want to congratulate you on how far you've come, how much work you've obviously done.
Second, I think exploring the issue of seeing a psychologist and why you haven't seen one yet may be a key ingredient to you getting better.
Why are you embarrassed to see one? Where does that feeling come from? What would admitting some of the things you've admitted to yourself in your (obvious) introspection to another person mean to you, how would it feel?
Also, while at times painful, challenging your symptoms (within reason) can be a strong mechanism to haywire the conditioning you have. Are there still activities you avoid?
Hope this helps,
WCR |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2008 : 11:16:46
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Cobal,
Recently I saw a therapist who believes in dealing with present issues rather than the past. I seem to be at a similar place to you - understand why I developed TMS, don't have too strong feelings about childhood etc now, have got the positive thinking side of things pretty well under control - but still have symptoms.
I was told to stop the positive thinking, chuck the self help books, and live in the present. Note down what you are doing when there is a flare up or symptom, acknowlege it and deal with it as best you can, even the most trivial things. Boredom was something that was mentioned. Relevant for me because living overseas means I can't follow the interests I would normally spend my spare time on, now I'm older I really resent that wasted time. But any little thing which aggravates you needs to be acted on, if at all possible.
I think this could be the answer.
Anne
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cobal
Canada
2 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2008 : 21:15:10
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thanks to the responses,
and yeah ive have several friends watch me turn into a self-taught
back pain expert ready with a million citations of studies and facts on anything back related, yet i continue to suffer.
i have mixed feelings about the idea that any sort of pursuit of physical remedies is counter-productive. i got the MRI after 2years of chronic back pain that i tried in earnest to treat from a mental perspective.
i guess part of the reason i keep reading and studying is becuase i dont know what to do. i do think about my past and the stressors in my life, and i give them due regard without white-washing them, or glossing them over. but i cant seem to get any sort of release out of it.
i am shy about seeing a psychologist because of some silly ego control that seeing one means i couldnt do this on my own, with all the resources available and my own smarts to take care of it. perhaps thats the problem. though im reading stories here about people who have seen sarno and the therapists he recommends and have mixed results.
i know its not an easy process, as much as i am thankful for the life i have, im growing somewhat weary of this weight of constant pain, and taht my lack of progress could be reflective of just how locked up my emotions are. i cant imagine how bad id be if i actually had a really difficult childhood or a crappy job and the like. so part of me feels like i shouldnt be in this situation, that i havent suffered enough and that i must be in some sense weak to be like this if a good upbringing still casued this situation.
i dont mean to turn this thread into yet another online blog of my inner workings, i think just telling my story was the first step in taking a more hands-on approach to the problem as opposed to taking a n academic one.
thanks again,
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 04/11/2008 : 00:20:50
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I saw a therapist a couple of times, she was great - just straightened out some wrong thinking. If you are trying to go it alone you are probably not confiding in anyone, apart from medical stuff, and as a result can get very skewed ideas of your problems.
quote:
i am shy about seeing a psychologist because of some silly ego control that seeing one means i couldnt do this on my own
- there is also fear of embarrassment/shame at what you might have to confess to them which can be as bad for those that have always been independent.
quote:
though im reading stories here about people who have seen sarno and the therapists he recommends and have mixed results
I am always amazed by how many people this site has cured!
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 04/11/2008 : 00:30:54
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Ha ha - I've just read Dave's post on the Spoke to Dr Sarno thread -
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quote:
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Originally posted by sborthwick
I absolutely hate the therapy ...
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You're not supposed to like it.
I have friends who say they love their therapist and really enjoy the sessions. That's not what it's about, at least not when you're trying to dig up your insides to find the sources of rage.
It is no fun to confront the reasons why the inner child is so angry. If it were, then your brain wouldn't try so hard to distract you from it.
which probably explains why I haven't got to the bottom of all my TMS symptoms. |
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story from a long time student of TMS
