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Jeremy
USA
27 Posts |
 Posted - 04/03/2008 : 21:32:43
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I've found myself in "lurk" mode here the last couple of weeks because I guess I've past that 'newbie' stage in which I had a lot of questions, and I'm not anywhere near 'experienced guide' stage in which I can offer useful advice to those with their own questions.
But I also feel I've been in something like lurk mode for my own TMS. I discovered that TMS existed, and this forum, in the second half of January. I hit the ground running, reading everything I could find, re-reading some of the important things, looking for lots of information online, watching some of the videos that are available, and of course doing a lot of writing in my journal and repeating the daily reminders to myself. Etc etc. And also doing more of "living my life." I've been exercising more regularly these last two months than I have since I was in my 20s (ie. a long time ago).
More than two months later however I find that my rigor has been unsustainable. It becomes very difficult to apply myself day after day after day. Reading the same daily reminders. Digging inside and writing about more of my stuff. I tired of "my stuff" already. I'd already been digging around in all of it for the better part of the last 10 years. Understanding the connection between my emotional/spiritual angst and my physical pain has been its own sort of revelation. Understanding that I have way more unconscious anger than I ever imagined, also worthy news.
But part of me feels finally bored with it. It occurs to me that this on one level could be the ultimate strategic move on the part of that inner unconscious place that does not want me to access all that deep-rooted emotional pain. Make it all seem too boring, finally, to keep engaging with.
Maybe part of my issue is that the pain has never been terribly horrible. I've never been incapacitated. Just consistently aggravated and inconvenienced, and every now and then I get a sensation acute enough to cry out for a moment. Sometimes I think the TMS work has simply allowed me to cope better-- I feel definitely to be in a better mental state about it because I know it's not a serious physiological issue. Now I know it's there but I go on, and it's there and it's not changing but I go on and live a seemingly normal life.
I believe this “coping” is a precise mirroring of how I’ve coped with my emotional difficulties all these years, in fact. A whole other topic, perhaps.
I know that some may say that I'm not getting better because I haven't worked long and hard enough; others may say that I can't get impatient because there's no time line. Some people legitimately need months and months. Thing is, I'm not feeling impatient. Part of me is ready to live with this indefinitely. That's actually what's disconcerting to me at this point. I did that with my emotional stuff-- let ongoing emotional aggravation just become 'normal' -- and I'm doing that physically now too.
And mostly what I feel is the usual-- tired and resigned, but still going about life pretty much as if nothing's all that wrong.
Does this sound familiar to anyone out there?
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2008 : 09:33:11
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Yes that sounds familiar.
Anytime we are mentally convinced about a TMS issue and not getting the result we want, it seems frustrating. Particularly to a 6 year old such as myself who had the miracle 3-5 week cure the first time through.
I think I want to address the writing.
I don't know for what purpose and to what end people are doing this writing. I did it early on in my recovery, but it was a very focused and methodical type, not of my own invention and was actually borrowed from a completely different entity that had nothing to do with Sarno.
It was primarily based on digging out the nastiest, dirtiest, vilest things in our psyche, particular the sources of our anger, and the method included how to dispose of them, if only temporarily. It was effective for about a year. Than I became so in touch with my anger I was near the point of starting an altercation in a lot of places (work,sports,etc)
That's when I went to therapy and that was probably what secured my lengthy parole from the whims of my subconscious. I had thought I didn't need it , seeing as my symptoms had disappeared, but walking around that angry all the time was not a good feeling either.
I had a new outbreak last year and was well aware of WHY I needed the symptom and the years of battling short episodes assured me of a quick resolution...which I didn't have.
To this day, I couldn't tell you how long the symptoms hung around because long experience has taught me never to count, but it was a lot longer than usual. I grew tired of reading the same old **** over and over and over.
That's when it occurred to me that all the therapy to deal with the anger actually ridiculed it at some level, and feeling anger isn't necessarily intolerable for short bursts.
I did something that up to that time I had been avoiding. I began to act angry. I decided that I didn't care if I stayed married, didn't care if I got fired, didn't care about anything... If having to hold all those reservoirs was going to be this laborious F-it.
I don't need to tell you that I almost immediately became aware of a whole different state of being.
So...I'd say you're about right on time to get absolutely frustrated enough to try something totally different.
You seem like a thoughtful sort of guy. You write well, your idea's are clear and concise... I'd highly recommend a healthy dose of acting out.
My wife acquired 6 large phallic symbols made of ceramic which she cluttered up our dinner table with...as well as a bunch of crystal chachki's that she used to clutter up the rest of the living room I had just repainted, put a new leather couch in and made nice.
I hated them.
Than my stomach started having spasms.
I snapped and took a broom to the whole row of 3 foot high ceramic Penises...
I took the crystal candle holders and chucked them in a pile in the HVAC closet. They're still there.
the stomach spasms went away.
Some times we have to let the Reptilian Core take over. Our culture with all it's political correctness and moral imperatives is screwing us up a lot...especially men.
I have gone back to being a prick in short doses and it's been the 'breakthrough' therapy I needed. I haven't hurt anyone (except maybe my wifes phallic fetish)
Some would call it Gestalt I suppose, except I'm not acting.
By the way... My son, who has been having some TMS symptoms in his leg was angry with me that I had broken them. He said he wanted to do it.
Oh well...next time I'll save him one.
I'd say you're about right on time. |
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Jeremy
USA
27 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2008 : 09:45:10
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| BB65, your response is much appreciated--and, I have a feeling, very much on target. I don't "do anger"; I have never "acted out." I know that's an issue, and a complex one based on my childhood. Etc. I've experimented in recent weeks with hitting pillows and such. Breaking actual things would be acting out indeed. I feel as if I literally don't know how and could not possibly do such things. But I am listening, and am intrigued, to say the least. Thanks again for the input. |
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losing the rigor of the practice over time
