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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
 Posted - 03/24/2008 : 20:29:14
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Hi Friends,
Although I don't post much these days, I frequent the board here and benefit so much from everyone's experiences: Good, Bad, Argumentative, Supportive ... all that we are here. This is a long post and will fill my character quota for a few months ... LOL! 
Just thought I'd share some of the crazy ramblings and observations I've made during the past couple months as it makes me feel important. I am writing to share this with those of you who have watched and/or related to my drama ... my saga  over the past nearly 2 years! I write this for those who are considering going back to work, and fear the return of pain and it controlling you again. I just want to say, go for it! Be kind to YOU first. Feel the discomfort of doing things differently, to preserve your self worth, to even STATE your worth.
It's been challenging time for me but I'm happy to say my pain monster hasn't gotten the best of me, nor has my ole fear/anxiety monster. Despite some nightmares and wakeful nights--I've not been vomitting, I've not had migraines, I've not visited the ER, my fibro is snoring, I've not taken my xanax. I'm out of bed living life, winning friends and influencing people. (Dale Carnegie would be proud, as would Dr. Sarno.  ) My carpal tunnel did decide to pounce a little but I just TYPE anyway. I've not visited my psychoT lately.
I don't want to sound cocky or arrogant, but I tell you I've gone thru some pretty tough emotional situations lately, during which I've felt grace and a deep appreciation that my ole pain-ridden ways haven't tried to distract me from some verrrrrry tough and intimidating emotions brought on by some unpleasantries of working America. (Think of the movie "Office Space": that's my life now.)
Reaction-wise, I am a very different person than when TMS was raging in my body. Now, instead of quitting a job to get away from what I see as verbally abusive and/or outrageous people or situations, I'm enacting a conscious decision to stay. I stay in the room and in the job and push through.
God, this is HARD! Perhaps the hardest thing I've ever done because it goes against my life-attained "wisdom". I know and accept that I'm not in the right employment situation and I'm devising a plan to leave, but for the first time in my life I'm not running away out of fear. I'm not kowtowing to those who I see as downright mean and unfair! I'm holding people accountable by telling them what is unacceptable to me, how I don't want to be treated! Maybe I'm even being harsh, but I'm learning my way to become fairer-- but first to myself, then to others.
I'm taking 49% responsibility for my problems at work.  This is huge, because it used to be 101% something wrong with ME, not others. If someone was unfair to me I'd think it was something I did, instead of accepting it was just them being ... well ... THEM!
Additionally I've not freaked out when I personally make a mistake, which has happened more often lately than ever. (Of course I don't like this but I'm doing better at forgiving myself and accepting my beloved human imperfections.)
I often sing Beatles "Let it Be" song, over and over and over again. Let it Be! Let it be ... ugly, uncomfortable, unfair, wrong ... etc. I feel the emotional pain of disappointment with myself. Feel feel feel the emotions of having people depend on me and letting them down. Feel what it's like to sit in a closed room with someone I work with and bring up an topic I'd rather avoid. It's not easy, but this going-back-to-work-thing has been a liberating part of my journey because I'm challenging myself to live it differently.
I've learned a very harsh reality: I don't own other people's reactions, behaviors or feelings. Instead I must be responsible for ME and take care of and stick up for myself! It's a work in progress, but I have nearly stopped waiting for someone else to save or fix me. I'm saving myself.
Wishing you ALL all the best!
Penny
PS Hope this crazy self-absorbed rant helps in some crazy way. Aren't I brilliant? At minimum, entertaining?--says she with tongue in cheek (more like tongue hanging out of mouth). LOL!
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curingCFS
36 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2008 : 05:58:48
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Penny, I'm just so happy to see you post here! You can't believe the inspiration you have been and are to me and others.
You sound like you are gathering greater power to yourself all the time. Really emotionally healthy to not be symptom lead by anxiety or anything. I'm sure you will find a much more agreeable situation for working and you show great strength in staying put and not running--so healthy!
I'm proud of you. |
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sborthwick
87 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2008 : 10:25:18
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Penny,
How did you make this shift to start "feeling" everything instead of running away out of fear? Did you go to psychology?
I would love to know
Thanks
Suzanna |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2008 : 22:20:21
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How did you make this shift to start "feeling" everything instead of running away out of fear? Did you go to psychology?
I would love to know
Thanks
Suzanna
[/quote]
Hi Suzanna,
Click on my profile for my story with other things that have helped me, but to answer your questions directly. When I took my life back from the pain the first thing I did was ignore or shout at my pain and decided to do what physical actions I wanted to no matter how badly it hurt. I didn't let the pain control my actions. Then I started paying attention to the physical symptoms in a different way: I began recognizing pain patterns in certain situations. I interpreted pain as a warning that I was doing something incongruent or against what I really wanted, or that I was feeling something that I was not emotionally in touch with (repression).
For example, visiting my parents: My pain would increase dramatically although on the emotional surface I thought everything was fine. This pain was a signal to me that something underlying was going on. There were things wrong and unfair in the way I was being treated by them. I continue to learn to assert myself with my family and have developed a way of being with them that isn't as painful and actually enjoy myself. All my life they walked all over me, and the key--as an adult-- is the fact that I let them! (When I was a kid I didn't have power, but now I'm an adult I can and do stick up better for myself.)
As for therapy, yes, I have gone through psychoanalysis, but not with a TMS doc--that's not necessary. The to secret psychoA for me was I kept going even though I hated it and at times I hated my doc. I dreaded talking and being ugly and having a pityparties for myself. I was reluctantly brutally honest in therapy, in fact if I was watching myself I wouldn't have recognized myself. I was SO different. When I began I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't care what he thought about me, that I was there for ME not for him. I found faults with him but committed to stay and acknowledge his faults as problems I have with people in general. (Therapy imitates life.) Again for me it was about sticking up for myself, being validated and seen and treated as an equal.
I literally turned my life upside down. (The pain did that first, but I shook it up even more.) I stopped every single commitment and assessed every relationship (including my marriage) to determine what really made me feel happy and where I was compromised. This was gutwrenchingly difficult. I'm much happier with my marriage and I think he is too, but there were some very dark nights.
Although this was ugly, and difficult and for me took some time, I realized that looking at all this crap served me much greater than the physical pain. For a long time the pain was more important to me to protect me, ironically. It would get me out of situations I mentally couldn't tolerate. But then one day I think the bottom fell out. I couldn't stay in that physically painful and emotionally oppressed hell any more. Thankfully I found Selfrige's book that led me to Sarno, that let me many other books, articles AND this support group and I created my plan to get better.
I really hope this helps. Some people don't need therapy or to 2nd guess their lives but for me I had to do both in order to get my life back. Everyone's story is different. There is no magic solution to this TMS thing, but "To thine ownself be true" is an amazing place to start.
Penny
>|< Penny
"Feeling will get you closer to the truth of who you are than thinking."
~ Eckhart Tolle
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/27/2008 : 12:08:19
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quote:
(When I was a kid I didn't have power, but now I'm an adult I can and do stick up better for myself.)
This is what I've been trying to learn in therapy recently. :)
Thanks for your post, Penny. It is great to know that there is company on the crazy journey to being a healthy person with all the up-and-down feelings that entails.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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Don't read this very long self-inflated post
