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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
 Posted - 03/07/2008 : 14:58:33
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I've been reading Candace Perts book and have realised that I need to forgive someobody who really hurt me. I can say the words, and have done in a letter several years ago, but deep deep down I know I haven't forgiven them and I'm not sure I ever will.
How can I go about this? Any advice?
Thanks
Amanda. |
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swmr1
USA
118 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2008 : 15:23:26
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Amanda--
I think what makes forgiveness so hard is the erroneous idea that forgiveness means telling the person you're mad at that what they did is no longer held against them in any way.
I think what you might be looking for is more about you letting go of whatever has been done to you and not letting your anger or hurt consume you anymore. It's about deciding that whatever someone has done will not control you anymore.
I don't think you ever have to believe what happened was OK or excusable in any way. I also don't believe you ever have to have anything to do with someone who has hurt/will hurt you in order to heal. The healing is about you choosing to move on.
Just my opinion. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2008 : 15:45:57
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Sometimes you need to process and express and experience the feelings on and off for a long time before forgiveness can occur. I have had a hard time forgiving in the past and have found that it tends to occur gradually and eventually once I fully feel the emotions involved. I don't try to make forgiveness a goal in this process, though. There is too much of a timeline pressure if you do that. Let it be natural and felt.
I have a hard time describing this process. It is a deeply emotional one, I don't want to make it sound either rational, ie something that you can do just by thinking, or clinical (therapeutic), although it is obviously related to some therapeutic techniques and experiences. It's just that once the emotions are fully felt, the energy passes through, and there's a space for peace and healing to come in.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2008 : 08:42:33
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Hi. Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the hook. It does not condone or pretend the hurt never occurred, nor does it mean forgetting; remembering can be a protection for yourself. I find I have adequately processed the feelings when I can think of the incident (once in awhile) and it does not make me angry, sad, etc. I would say one of my personal incidents I have forgiven (they didn't really know better and were brainwashed that they were doing the right thing) but I will keep myself protected from these people in the future. I do not have to tell them to their faces that I forgive them. But I carry no resentment toward them any longer. In fact, I feel sad for them that they're so brainwashed! And so grateful that I AM NOT! :) But it did take time to process such feelings so the above-referenced incident required several writing sessions for me to feel relief.
Love Candace Pert. Her books are great. Louise Hay has wonderful books and her main themes are LOVE YOURSELF and FORGIVENESS OF SELF AND OTHERS. She has a lot of info on how to do this and shares her own experiences of horrific happenings in her life and how to move past them.
Don't give up. With sufficient work and time passing, we CAN release resentment and forgive people, moving us past these hurts. It is for our own benefit and feels wonderful!!!
-L |
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2008 : 18:09:54
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I think that all of the replies so far have a lot of merit. There appears to be more than one solution, may I suggest one.
Candace Pert, in my opinion, was denied the Nobel Prize by her department head.
Pert, as a post doc, worked in a lab at NIH, and on her own, with no guidance, discovered the opiate receptor on a brain cell. This was several years ago when there was considerable doubt if receptors even existed.
There was, one might say, two possible co-discovers in Sweden a few months later, after Pert had published her findings. Her dept head and the two Swedish persons were nominated for the Lasker Award which is a stepping stone for the Nobel Prize. The Nobel Prize is limited to three persons, so there was no room for Pert. She was furious and blew the whisle.
The Lasker Award went to someone else on no one got credit for her unbelievable achievement.
Many years later, she later regretted her decision while singing in a choir about forgiveness. She wrote a letter to the dept head asking for his forgiveness as she forgave him.
On her CD she suggests the affirmation: I forgive myself for my past errors as I forgive others for their past errors. What a beautiful choice of words.
I, personally, have had no end of problems with forgiveness. Looking back, I think that this was a problem with much of my pain, anger associated with feeling wronged.
I had a horrible boss. Years later, I had lunch with him and asked that he forgive me (I wasn't exactly the perfect employee) as I forgave him.
My key to all of this is to recognize that really there is nothing to forgive. This is difficult concept but it worked for me. The person hurting you usually doesn't have a clue that he/she is hurting you. They feel justified. Strange but apparently true.
I am not a Buddist, but I admire some of their teachings. Such as, "to be wronged is nothing unless one remembers it." I have lost the direct quotation of another but it is something like the person doing the wrong is sick. In other words, he/she in a normal state of mind would not have done it.
Forgiveness is tough. It takes a lot of soul searching. Whatever works for you. Maybe you can find a better technique. The inner peace is worth it.
Just imagine being wrongfully tortured and put to death and your reaction is "please forgive them."
Allan
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 03/09/2008 : 23:01:02
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"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover that the prisoner was YOU."
From 1001 Pearls of Wisdom, by David Ross
Ralph |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2008 : 18:14:01
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How's this on forgiveness.
It ties in very well with Sarno's ideas about hate and repressed anger in the unconscious mind. I read the 'hurt'in the 3rd stanza as feelings/molecules of hurt which manifest themselves as physical hurt and how forgiveness can lead to a state of healing/repairing of the mind and the body.
Forgiveness
by Barry S. Maltese
If you try to reach inside of your heart
you can find forgiveness, or at least the start
And from that place where you can forgive
is where Hope, and Love, also thrive and live
And with each step that you try to take
and with that chance that your heart might break
Comes so much happiness, and so much strength
which Alone can carry you a fantastic length
For hate and anger will not get you there
and though you say that you just don't care
You can EASILY avoid the pain on which hate feeds
. . . the kind of hurt that No one needs
Just make the move, take that first stride
let go of the thing known as "Foolish Pride"
Maybe then you can start to repair the past
into something strong, that will mend, and last!
(c)Barry S. Maltese2000
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2008 : 05:14:44
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quote:
Originally posted by Allan
My key to all of this is to recognize that really there is nothing to forgive. This is difficult concept but it worked for me. The person hurting you usually doesn't have a clue that he/she is hurting you. They feel justified. Strange but apparently true.
Just imagine being wrongfully tortured and put to death and your reaction is "please forgive them."
Allan
Really beautiful, Allan. It's like that other quote, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Thanks for the cool perspective.
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Sheahi2me
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2008 : 19:23:39
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I think to forgive is to let go of something even if what happened wasn't your fault, and if what happened was wrong.
Even if forgiving someone who doesn't feel sorry for their actions is the hardest things to do- it has to be done.
You just have to tell yourself that you can't waste time suffering on the account of someone else's error.
Learn to breathe again.
Theresa |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2008 : 05:15:33
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Wow, thanks so much everyone for the words of wisdom, I've read and re-read your replies and there is loads of food for thought there.
Armchairlinguist I can see what you are saying, for years I've buried stuff and refused to think about it believing that this was the best way to "get over it" and maybe it was at the time as it was too raw back then to give much thought to. Now at a distance I can and have been trying to think things through, bit by bit I think this will help.
I realised something last night: I really thought I was ok and had gotten over all this stuff but every time I've seen this person over the last few years (only 3 or 4 times) the anger has resurfaced so strongly and so immediately: This should have been my clue but instead I stuffed it all back inside my head and body! and carried on. Thanks for your advice.
Mala that poem made me cry, it's brilliant. I will print it out and stick it inside my journal and read it often to help me heal.
Allan, I am sure the person involved does know how much they hurt me, once when I met them face to face they were physically shaking and my therapist told me at the time that to have such a strong physical reaction means they had a lot of emotions that had not been worked through, but still I know what you mean, I am sure they can justify to themselves why they did what they did even though they know they hurt me in the process.
And thanks mizlorinj and swmr1 for pointing out that it's me that needs to let go of my anger and let myself off the hook - I will try.
Thnks everyone
Amanda |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2008 : 09:04:10
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I just had the experience of having something old come up for me in a dream. I thought I had processed this event, but like you, I still was angry whenever I thought of the person/people involved. I think I did process most of the anger at the time, but I had never really acknowledged the pain and betrayal and loneliness that I felt, the way it affected how I saw myself and what I believed about the world. I did some work with that, writing it down, reflecting, telling my therapist about it. Now the anger when I think of it seems further away and less fiery. I think I'll always be a little bit angry because it was unjust, but I don't feel it gripping my energy anymore.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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How do you forgive?
