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ndb
209 Posts |
 Posted - 01/16/2008 : 17:09:21
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Hi everyone,
I did a bit of search for self-respect and self respect on the forum, but didn't come up with much.
Does anyone have recommendations on books to read in order to develop ones sense of worth and self esteem. I am at the stage of self analysis where I feel this is a step I need to take in order to have a happier life. (And of course all this is related to TMS stuff, though I don't have any particularly bothersome physical symptoms at the moment.)
I will take a look at Alice Miller's 'Drama..' again, but as I recall, it gives reasons why one can grow up with low self esteem but not what to do to change, other than perhaps psychotherapy.
Thanks in advance,
ndb |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2008 : 21:18:30
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I'm guessing you hit that point where you realized you totally hate yourself. Although it's just about the worst feeling ever, it is one of the most important realizations a person can have. To learn to truly love oneself is quite a task indeed. I don't know any books on the subject. You might want to look up a style of Buddhist meditation called Metta Bhavana (not sure how it's spelled). It means "loving kindness" in English. Could help.
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 01/17/2008 : 00:43:33
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| I remember Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life told you to say positively 'I approve of myself" 300 times a day. Amazingly, it worked. |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 01/17/2008 : 11:26:15
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Thanks for the suggestion Scott. I looked it up, and at the moment, in my cynical frame of mind, its too much of a big change (e.g. the prayer sounds like I would be expecting too much from myself too soon), but it sounds like a good thing to do someday. I guess I have known it (hating myself) for a long time, but I didn't think that I wanted to try to change it. I was ok with my self-destructive thoughts.
Scottydog: Thanks, I think that is something I could start with, I'll look up the book too. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 01/17/2008 : 11:40:38
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I'm not sure if this is something that can be gotten from books. I've definitely been progressing on this front, but mainly through patiently realizing how deprived I was of some essential ingredients of it in my childhood. Therapy does really help with this, but in part it just comes from the realizations of what you missed and trying to do differently. I think I was helped in that regard by Bradshaw's book Healing the Shame that Binds You and Whitfield's The Child Within (I think that's the title). They are good at describing what we deserve and don't get (as is Miller), and Bradshaw's books do have some exercises aimed at healing and loving the inner self.
I guess I'm just saying, you can read the books and they'll most likely help, but it just takes time and practice. It's been a really gradual process for me. One important part of it too is something that might not seem obviously connected, which is just realizing how you feel in various situations, even (and maybe especially) when the feelings are of disappointment, hurt, anger, etc), and accepting it as valid, not trying to make it go away or even think of a reason why it 'makes sense', but just accepting it on its own terms. This starts a relationship with yourself which is very nourishing to the inner self and very different from the relationship most people with TMS seem to have had with their parents and afterwards themselves.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 01/17/2008 : 18:03:10
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As a person who has spent most of my 37 years living to please others and self-deeming myself as less-significant than everyone else in the world, it has been hard to learn self respect. I've worked to reconnect with and express my real feelings. I often look up definitions of common emotions. I still express feelings that are more socially acceptable, and less self-validating. PsychoT has helped raise my awareness about what I need to ask from others in order to feel real and whole. This is difficult, as I hate the silence that follows when I ask for what I need or say aloud how I really feel, but is becoming almost tolerable.
Time and self-imposed self kindness, and that silence have been the greatest teachers of self respect. Probably not what you want to hear ... but I hope this helps in some way.
>|< Penny
"Feeling will get you closer to the truth of who you are than thinking."
~ Eckhart Tolle
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 01/18/2008 : 13:04:44
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I think that recognizing it is actually a problem puts you light years ahead of the rest of the population who think it is normal. Generally speaking, what has helped me, is to recognize the extent of and the ridiculous nature of self-debasement itself. If you can start to objectively observe your behavior, you can start to see how absolutely bizarre it is.
For instance, you're out with friends. About once every 5 seconds you beat yourself up in your head for not being smart, funny, or cool enough. That's a lot of times. That's ridiculous.
Eventually you hit a point where you see it fully, and there's kind of this "holy crap, why am I doing this to myself?" moment. That's when you actually get fully motivated to make the change, when you get fully sick of letting it run you over. When you realize you're better than that (do you?) then the change will become natural.
Author of tms-recovery.com
A collection of articles on emotions, lifestyle changes, and TMS theory. |
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Big Rob
32 Posts |
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Bacchus
USA
10 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2008 : 06:41:25
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Big Rob,
Was this book very helpful? |
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Big Rob
32 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2008 : 09:33:27
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quote:
Originally posted by Bacchus
Big Rob,
Was this book very helpful?
You would not believe how helpful it was ;)
It essentially deals with
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
Which are day to day bad thought patterns that can make us feel poorer about ourselves.
The book is a structured course which tries and deals with one aspect of negative thinking at a time.
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 01/23/2008 : 16:37:26
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quote:
Originally posted by Penny
I still express feelings that are more socially acceptable, and less self-validating. PsychoT has helped raise my awareness about what I need to ask from others in order to feel real and whole. This is difficult, as I hate the silence that follows when I ask for what I need or say aloud how I really feel, but is becoming almost tolerable.
Penny, thanks for posting this statement. It's the issue that I believe is causing me to be slow in getting rid of some symptoms. I always find your posts encouraging, but this comment is especially helpful. Corey |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 01/23/2008 : 18:23:17
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quote:
I often look up definitions of common emotions.
I thought I was the only one!
I once asked a friend what it meant to forgive someone. In retrospect, that is a big clue that something was not right. (I'm not especially a grudge-holder but forgiveness involves levels of emotional processing and compassion that just were not around when I was growing up.)
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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altherunner
Canada
511 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2008 : 20:49:36
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| Eckhart Tolle's books, The Power of Now, and A New Earth, were extremely helpful to me. Worrying about the future, and dwelling in the past have stopped. |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2008 : 22:07:23
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All your suggestions have strengthened my resolve. I've started with baby steps -- I'm repeating "I approve of myself" when I'm walking or not thinking about something. It does make me feel somewhat more happy when I do it.
ndb |
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Books on learning self-respect
