| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
 Posted - 12/01/2004 : 16:49:03
|
I had no significant pain that I couldn't handle until I bought a house. Absolutely everything about this place needed to be fixed and of course we spent all of our income on the house and could not afford to hire professionals to do the needed work. I will say that I am an artist and as I guess all of you will suspect a perfectionist....My husband has NEVER been a "do it yourselfer".....Our entire house is torn up, my husband had to have two stents insterted into his heart valves and has a bleeding ulcer and I have lost the ability to walk because of back and leg pain.
It's been two years now and we have not finished one project. We fight constantly and the whole thing has spiraled out of control. We really believed that we were going to have FUN but as it has turned into a nightmare or huge proportions we are both sad and messed up. We can't afford to call carpenters and we are desperately living in a shell of a house. I can't see any hope and I just wonder, does anyone have any help for me? |
|
|
holly
USA
243 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2004 : 17:37:09
|
| WOW THAT'S A TOUGH ONE. I'M SORRY FOR YOU. TALK ABOUT INNER RAGE! How about just selling the house and chalk it up to a live and learn experience. Obviously the fantasy of buying a house in such need of repair and fixing it up took a horrible tole on your health and marriage. Sell it and move into a condo or rent something where they have a "maintiance man". |
 |
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2004 : 17:45:04
|
| well, with three dogs and two cats we were lucky to get OUT of the rental scene. We had rented for 30 years and it was a real great thing that wer could finally do this, which I guess just adds to us being extremely pissed off. We could sell it but as we have found we would STILL have to fix it up to do so. It's real overwhelming but the reality is, we can't fix it and we can't afford to have it done but we can't sell it unless it's repaired so I can't even walk and my husband can't take my RAGE.. |
|
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2004 : 18:39:01
|
| In my haste for help I posted before I adequately read many of the posts that apply to me and my problem. i see now tht many posts already address my concerns and i swear it sounds like my problems are NOTHING compared to some of you. I apologize for not utilizing this site correctley |
|
|
|
Wilf
Canada
53 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2004 : 23:00:31
|
Hey, Don't discount yourself and do not diminish your situation as trivial. I read somewhere, a long time ago, that prolonged home renovations place a significant strain on a marriage relationship and quite often lead to marriage break-up. There is no doubt that you are living in a very stressful situation. You do not have your "nest" set up the way you want it, and that alone makes living very difficult. In my opinion, this is a very fertile breeding ground for TMS. Please use this board, if only to vent. I am sure it will be of benefit to you.
Hang in there. |
|
|
|
Tunza
New Zealand
198 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2004 : 00:26:57
|
Hi Cheryl Rose.
I second what Wilf said.
My house is a haven to me from the rest of the world which I can find a bit overwhelming at times (I'm sure most of my TMS leg and arm pain comes from my rage about my sense of inferiority to lots of people I deal with at work etc). Often I crave just to be be home shut away from the rest of the world and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you not to have that kind of haven. So welcome to the list and don't apologise.
Kat |
|
|
|
mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2004 : 05:14:32
|
Dear Cheryl Rose,
I had no significant pain that I couldn't handle until I bought a house just about sums it up don't you think? and no, there is really no one who is going to help you. You have to help yourself. We can all tell you how we feel and we all feel bad for you and we can tell you this and that but we can't do anything except be a sounding board and so don't apologise my problems are NOTHING compared to some of you. I apologize for not utilizing this site correctley
We are all sounding off of each other and that can sometimes be good and sometimes not so good. Read Monte's post on 'How do you actually feel emotions' It's lengthy and takes time for some of what he's written to sink in but it's well worth the read.
Anyway you've bought into this house, started to do it up and it's all messed up. It's a terrible predicament to be in. In HBP, Sarno has mentioned a list of the top 50 most stressful situations to be in that could be contributing to tms and thus your pain. Buying a house is pretty high on that list if I remember correctly. The situation isn't going to get better till you and your husband start getting well. So where do you start? Why not make a list of what you can do and start real slow , I mean real slow from there. With every small task accomplished, no matter how small, you will find that you feel a sense of achievement. Don't rush, you can't. Take things one step at a time. One room at a time, one window at a time, hammer one nail at a time. So it will take longer to complete the whole place and it may not be exactly what you had originally planned. It will still be home.
Start by saying that you are thankful you have a roof over your head, running water, electricity, that you have each other, that you have your lovely pets etc. and work slowly from there.
And remember to keep posting.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 12/02/2004 05:59:30 |
|
|
|
Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2004 : 21:53:23
|
Hi Cheryl Rose,
As all the advice you have read here says, you must begin and proceed to do your TMS work. Get your TMS under control and on the road to recovery.
As far as your house repairs, try prioritizing the projects into 3 categories...
(1) Safety related (e.g. no railing, broken steps, i.e. will somebody get hurt?)
(2) Structural and functional (i.e. does it work?)
(3) Aesthetic (e.g. paint, i.e. how does it look?)
Owning a home can be stressful. For me, I get stressed out when I must hire a 'professional' for the few things I cannot do (like drill a new water well). I discovered that my 2 year old well ($12,000) is now plugging up with sand. It cost me another $700 to change the pump level, but that may not last either. I'm pretty angry about that, but my back is not hurting either.
Take care, -Stryder
|
Edited by - Stryder on 12/02/2004 23:26:02 |
|
|
|
pault
USA
169 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2004 : 05:08:25
|
| Go to work on the tms,get one easy room done to modivate yourself.You can do it! |
|
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2004 : 11:13:35
|
| Just reading your posts has made me feel a lot better. I'm taking every bit of advice like it was gold. thanks. |
|
|
|
floridaboy
40 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 05:29:25
|
get a second mortgage...hire a contractor to finish the house using the increase in value of the home from finishing as the collateral for the second. ie. If the house is worth $200k unfinshed and $250k finished...if you mortgage is now $160k...you can get a construction loan for $50K to finshed the house.
If you can't afford the increase in mortgage payments, get the loan anyway, finish the project then sell it and move to something smaller that you can afford. Most of us live beyond our means...this only adds TMS fuel to the fire. Simplify your lifestyle and better distinguish "needs" from "wants" and you will meaningfully decrease stress. Worrying about bills means that you spend more than you can afford to spend. TMS'ers are constantly worried about what people "think" about them...therefore we tend to rely on possessions to establish our sense of importance or success. |
|
|
|
Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 09:08:53
|
Hi Cheryl.
I have worked in the trades my whole life and could write an entire appendix to HBP or MBP about my observations of families during moves and remodels.
Being a Painter/plasterer I usually show up at the very end of the persons hellish nightmare.By the time I get there they are inevitably A:near divorce or B:walking with canes,lumbar supports.....or C: both
Having recovered from TMS and recognizing it's manifestations all around me,I always try to be of service.I usually ask them "what happened" and usually get the standard "Oh,I was moving the couch and...." or the "I was painting myself and I reached down and...."
I always offer a copy of HBP if the chance arises,and twice I have actually helped the person whose house I'm painting with 2 problems.
If it get's really bad,go rent "the money pit" and watch it with your husband...it's very therapeutic.
My favorite TMS/new home story was my Boss from work.I had volunteered (?) to help him move into his new home.My boss is a Monstrous Muscular athletic Predator of a man...6'5",250..still played full contact Hockey in a mens league at age 38.I am athletic for my size(5'8+- 180) but he could lift me off the ground with one hand
Anyways..we were moving a reallly light couch together and his back went "out" ..he was in excruciating pain and had to lie on the floor,and eventually took a strong painkiller.I did not say anything as I think it cruel to introduce TMS theory to someone in an acute attack.
Months later,after it was passed and he was back to 100%,we got onto the topic at lunch.He has seen my recovery,and I brought up the emotional factor..I mentioned that perhaps the stress of the move and the pressure of home ownership had finally overwhelmed his subconscious and become a symptom.
He almost snapped me in half right there(LOL!)
I than offered him an alternate viewpoint which made him sit down and think...I said "well...it could just be that I'm tougher and more durable than you..perhaps my family has better genes and is more evolved?"
We are super competitive at work and in sports.....this idea that I might be somehow better adapted to rigorous lifestyle shut him up quick.
He has never had another incident.That idea right there was enough to stop it.....and he's bought 2 homes since!
I've read this whole string and see nothing but excellent advice,so I'll refrain from giving any.
Suffice it to say,excepting a new child,you are involved in the most stressful commonly occuring TMS situation I've ever been witness to.
You're already on your way to getting better!
Peace.....and if you live near Nashville,I'll come paint for you for a day for free!
Baseball65
Baseball65 |
|
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 11:26:11
|
| You know, it's not the money or the bills or any of that. The house was bought in 1997 for 500k. We started work on it immediately (doing all of the structural and sewer repair first) We replaced the yards(2) all fences and waterheaters....no problem...It seemed but then the year 2000 came around and boom, my husband and I just fell apart. Because of his heart problem all work ceased and all worry began and became intensified. Since that the real estate market has gone through the roof here and NO WAY could we ever afford to buy around here again. It really feels like no matter how crippled I get no matter how much we fight there is No Way Out. Our business is in a town near by so we have to stay. Rentals are at 3000 per month around here so it really is a pressure cooker situation. I haven't painted one picture since we've been here and ironically "my studio" was why we bought the place. |
|
|
|
polly
127 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 11:41:39
|
Cheryl,
I'm not criticizing or judging, but you need to prioritize some of this stuff.
You can to the TMS work whether you're in a mansion or a room at an Econolodge. Until you rid yourself of some of this pain and get yourself up and moving again, you can't possibly deal with the other parts of your dilemma. For me, being in pain and not being able to walk makes me feel ineffective and wrong. I'm a writer and I haven't written a sentence in 2 yrs. now.
It really is one step at a time and one day at a time. As perfectionists, we think we can just juggle the whole mess and then beat ourselves up for the failure when it doesn't work. Sarno told me that fear=anger=pain.
My best,
Polly |
|
|
|
Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 11:51:12
|
Hi Cheryl.
I imagine you live in either NY or CA ?
Well,my mom used to say (In italian) that life is something that happens while we're busy making plans.
I read your profile and I saw the "tae bo to crutches" in 6 months.
Are you a Billy Blanks Sherman Oaks person? That's where I'm from....Many of the TMS clients(painting) I had were from that very enclave.
If you live in a place like that ,the equity that you've accumulated simply by Living in it must surely make a plan like Florida_boy's feasable.
regardless,polly is right...the circumstances sound tough,but you don't need to "fix" the external for your internal recovery.
Your and your husbands Health and well being are far more important than a bunch of wood and drywall.
Keep the faith!
Baseball65
Baseball65 |
|
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 11:56:21
|
| so, I'm a real loser in the prioritizing of anything. I jump around from one thing to the next and I swear I just don't know the difference. I look at it like this (you can help me here i hope...) If I start one thing it requires that I learn new skills each time. plastering walls sounds easy until you have to learn how so then you have that down and you find that your molding is rotten so you have to replace that and you find that you have to order it and install that yourself and you can't plaster the wall until you replace the molding it's like that and it never stops...Oh, I hope you didn't get the impression that I live in a mansion....this is California...they build houses out here out of glue and particle board! It's all of the stressful new new things I am having to do myself (and not well) I didn't even know about TMS until Nov. 2 2004 and one week later my husband was in the hospital, so as far as healing myself first....I wish I knew how |
|
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 11:59:36
|
| no ,Baseball65, Redwood City CA...... |
|
|
|
polly
127 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 14:04:44
|
Cheryl,
You're not a loser and no one is saying that except you.
You're attempt to accomplish everything with one broad stroke is resulting in caving in on yourself.
Did you read any of Sarno's books? That is the #1 priority. If you don't have one get one. If you have one read a few pages. And that's it for the day. No walls, hinges, bills, sanding...no nothing. Just do that. Marc is exactly right. Life is something that happens when we're making other plans.
It will open the door and lead you on your way. The amazing thing about TMS is the simplicity.
I love what Marc's mother would say about plans. I would LOVE to hear it in Italian.
One other thing Cheryl. Take your right hand, put it on your left shoulder and pat gently while whispering "shhh, you're doing great".
Polly |
|
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 15:21:23
|
Yes Polly I read a book. I own a bookstore in Palo Alto California. No Polly I didn't call my self a loser I said I was a loser AT prioratizing..a work ethic not a personal flaw.
This forum is judgemental and weird...why would Floriday boy start talking to me about house prices and mortgages? That is just plain disrespectful as far I am concerned and by the way POLLY you did put me in my place........I have been there plenty with people like you...how dare I. and no i will not pat myself on the back I am not in kindergarten.
|
|
|
|
Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 16:35:37
|
Hi Cheryl
I knew I'd heard of Redwood City! I just looked you up on the Cali map...you're right in the thick of the Bay area.My whole Family is Stanford/Cal people,and I actually lived in Berzerkely for a summer when I attended the University.Never got to the inside part of the Bay...always took the coastline to Santa Cruz.
Boy it's cold there...I guess I was there for a really warm summer,because one night I skateboarded to my brothers fraternity in shorts and complained...It was probably 60 degrees out...and He laughed and said it's usually like that,even at night in the summer.....BRRRrrrrrrrr.
My mom still lives in Antioch,and her and my Bro sit on opposite sides of the field for the Big Game!!!
anyways.. I think polly and florida were only trying to help.The last sentence of your original post was:
"I can't see any hope and I just wonder, does anyone have any help for me?"
That can mean different things to different people.I know this isn't an automotive repair forum having only one correct procedure or method,but I'm sure no condescension or patronization was meant by their replies.We all genuinely want each other to get better,and not every thing works for everybody.
As far as judgemental and weird...well..I think the human race is judgemental and weird,and this forum just falls under the broader heading(LOL!!)
BTW...I have the inscription LOSER tattoed on my right arm,and I know I'm not,though I feel it like deep down inside sometimes, due to lots of negative conditioning in which I was complicit.....maybe I can have the letter C added in front of it so it will read CLOSER.
We're all here to help one another...we didn't mean to offend you in any way,I'm sure.
K.I.T.
Baseball65
Baseball65 |
|
|
|
Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 16:50:45
|
| That was kind thanks |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
Remodeling my house with husband
