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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
 Posted - 12/07/2007 : 15:42:27
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Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in a bit so I wanted to say hi and happy holidays to all of you. I hope you're all finding healing and serenity. I am still working on my gremlins with therapy and lots of reading. I just wanted to say hi and happy festivus. No need to reply if you don't want. |
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 12/07/2007 : 17:20:12
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Best holiday wishes to you, Mary.
I am still having a few problems. We live in hope.
Allan |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 12/07/2007 : 17:58:01
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Hey Mary old friend....Warmest wishes to you.... |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 12/07/2007 : 19:00:33
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Hi Mary, Good to hear from you! Happy Festivus to you too  Sorry you are still in battle. Carrying on is the only way.
I saw your note to DrDave and would offer this to you for hope: I don't think you need to uncover every event, or even the route source for your pain in order for it to stop. For me, understanding and exposing my behavior that lead me to experience (or repress) rooted emotions (i.e. someone bullying, undermining, or ignoring me) ... this has been my saving grace and has led to decrease in pain. For example, I used to react by putting someone else's feelings above my own and belittle mine. I still do to some extent, but I actually witness (catch) myself doing it. Therapy has helped me to feel capable of changing my reaction and sticking up for myself more. I am still learning new things, but I certainly don't understand and haven't uncovered all the yulkck that got me in the TMS mess in the first place.
I wish you all the best in 2008! Hope to hear from you again soon!
Penny |
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 14:38:31
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Penny (or anyone else),
Any suggestions on how to deal with oneself when you "catch" yourself doing the old behavior? So for example, let's say I catch myself responding to someone's perceived ignoring me or rejecting me, which is hard on the inner child for sure. Once I find myself noticing this, how do you turn it off and/or how do you not let it turn into a full blown neck attack?
Thanks |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 16:48:18
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I think noticing it is the first and most important step. Things that I tend to do in that situation include:
1) Remind myself that this is an emotional situation and I am going to work on dealing with it emotionally somehow, and telling myself I don't need a pain reminder to deal with it.
1) Seeing if I can speak up about it. If I can't, I just remind myself it is happening but I will be ok anyway, or I think about whether I can leave the situation.
2) Reminding myself that it's a change in progress and that I missed it this time is ok, it just happens.
3) Get upset about it afterwards, if I can't change it, and just feel how I feel.
4) Comfort my inner child verbally about the situation, talking to her about how unpleasant it was and how I understand that now and I'm working on protecting us.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 12/09/2007 : 13:44:00
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quote:
Originally posted by Maryalma8
So for example, let's say I catch myself responding to someone's perceived ignoring me or rejecting me, which is hard on the inner child for sure. Once I find myself noticing this, how do you turn it off and/or how do you not let it turn into a full blown neck attack?
ACL's suggestions are great. I'd also add, in context of your particular example ... why don't you have a go at outright telling the person how you feel? Say, "Hey, when you do ___________, it really makes me feel like you don't care about me, or my feelings, like you are ignoring me. Do you realize that's how ______ makes me feel?" Then ... the hardest part for me .... SHUT UP! Let the discomfort happen. Listen to what the person says. Listen. Don't digress into revealing more emotion until you hear their reply. Hear what they say, and counter or add more (protecting yourself) if you don't think they got it. It might turn into an ugly conversation (heaven forbid, an argument!!!), and the person may feel like you are attacking them, but you are not, you are only protecting yourself (which I suspect you--like me--don't do very well). Personally, I hate doing this but I am learning to not only feel the negative emotion, but also how to express it, and --just like TMS pain-- the ugly situation/awkwardness does not last.
Hope this helps. |
Edited by - Penny on 12/09/2007 13:47:11 |
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koukla
70 Posts |
Posted - 12/09/2007 : 14:30:43
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| Penny, I agree that being assertive can really help stave off a TMS attack. It is hard for me to do as I don't want to be too aggressive or bullyish but in reality it is necessary to stick up for yourself. |
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 12/10/2007 : 09:12:09
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Hello Mary.
You used the word "perceived."
Is your perception really accurate?
Were you really ignored?
How many people think that you are ignoring them when, of course, you are not ingoring them?
Do you tend to think the worst?
I do, at times. I got an email one time when someone said, "thanks a lot" like thanks a lot you SOB. When I finally met him, I found out that he was grateful. I couldn't believe it. I just assumed he was mad at me. My perception. My error.
We have perception and we have reality.
Hope this helps.
Allan
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AnthonEE
USA
80 Posts |
Posted - 12/10/2007 : 10:33:34
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I always had a very hard time with rejection when I was younger, perceived or otherwise. Not sure why. Maybe if you get knocked around, ignored, or made to feel insignificant when you're younger then somehow you become sensitized later in life. But whatever the reason, I don't get quite so bothered by it anymore. I think it's because now that I'm a little older I've learned the rest of the world is completely nuts and I just take myself and my inner child home, put "our" slippers on, watch a good movie or read a good book, and we sip on some Bailey's. I guess it's just the willingness to be comfortable saying to your inner child "we really don't have to care so much what other people think, what I/we look like, what we're interested in, and so on". It is extremely liberating, and a very necessary skill if you're like me and generally tend to take the "road less traveled". It's certainly easy to say, but very liberating if you can truly find a way to let go and find acceptance and happiness with who you are and what you are about. And to reassure you know who that we're going to enjoy ourselves either way. I'm not sure if that's helpful to your question, but it seems to be the coping mechanism I have developed.
Oh yes, almost forgot. Happy Holidays to you too! |
Edited by - AnthonEE on 12/10/2007 12:04:48 |
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2007 : 16:16:54
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| Thanks everyone, for your thoughtful posts. All good stuff! Allan, I think I often "perceive" that others are disappointed in me, ignoring me, etc. when in fact like you say, it may not be true. I think it's a knee-jerk reaction that I learned and I have to unlearn it! Thanks again everyone. I did order Dr. Dave's book. That's my next read, after "taming your gremlin". |
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2007 : 18:13:35
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Hello Mary.
I can't wait for your reaction to Dr. Clarke's book.
Bear in mind that he intended it to be a self help book.
In a way, the cases are "neat and tidy," but there is a pattern there. Sometimes uncovering the emotions behind the stress is enough, sometimes some action is required. Here is where Dr. Clarke shines, what to do do after the emotions are uncovered.
Also, he started in 1984, preceding Dr. Sarno's book, HBP. He has been at it for a long time and has developed his technique along the way. Treating 400 patients a year for 20 years successfully for stress illness is one tremendous accomplishment.
I would not be surprised if his book, and DVDs to come, become the cornerstone for not only treating stress illless but also a huge factor in spreading knowledge on how to treat those suffering this emotionally induced pain.
You are in for a treat.
Allan. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 12/12/2007 : 12:43:27
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AnthonEE, what a great image. Put our slippers on, yes. I like your wording for talking to the inner child about what other people think of us. I think this is actually a much bigger issue for me than I realize. I am off the beaten path in some ways, but haven't dared to leave it in others, perhaps because in my childhood approval was very dependent on following the path set out by the family, if more implicitly than explicitly.
I can attest that protecting yourself and speaking up about how you feel can lead to the other person saying that you are criticizing them, even if you are really firm about keeping your language in the "This is how I feel" range. Stick to your guns and repeat that you are expressing how you feel, you are not trying to criticize, and you hope they are willing to listen/work with you; try not to get sucked into the side issue of what you 'think' about their behavior. I actually managed to do this recently and after what was for me a LOT of conflict and conversation (since I tend to run away from conflict so that it either never happens in the first place or run away from it after only a brief expression) things were resolved more positively than I at first thought they might be.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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Happy Holidays
