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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
 Posted - 12/02/2007 : 00:47:54
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After frustration with all the "TMS WORK" and getting slow results,progress going backwards some days, pure frustration that I was again "failing" at something, I had a really hard decision to make about what I was going to do. It seemed I had tried everything for the pain. Years of Doctors, every therapy and pill under the Sun, trips to the E.R., etc. TMS had been the only therapy which actually stooped pain for me, which is why I wholy believe in it's premise. After all, I saw it work in my own life, although not to the level I had hoped.
Last week, after having a major setback in pain,I had a moment of absolute truth. It was one of those moments where you make a change in thought and you know/feel that you really mean it. An epiphany. A time where you say enough is enough. I looked back at all the years wasted from fear of pain, having pain, disability from pain. All the loss, all the tears, all the anger, the nights on drugs, the years worrying about what my future will hold, lost relationships...everything that comes with severe TMS.
So I wrote a post last week here on the forum about how I had enough. It was after that post that I called my therapist and told him that the time has come to say goodbye and I thanked him for all the work he had done, but it was time for me to live my life regardless.
I guess I resigned to the fact that I would live the rest of my life with pain. So I made a deal with myself. I figured that after years of suffering, if my fate was to suffer more, than so be it. It's a hard thing coming to a place where you accept your state no matter how bad it might be or seem. It's hard to say to yourself in your early thirties that pain might be a factor till you die.
So I made an agreement with my pain. I basically went past anger and to a place where I couldn't answer to it anymore. The only thing I could relate to it was if someone had an abusive husband or parent, and after years of living with it they wake up one day and just walk away, never to look back or return. So that's what I've done.
All the fear of what might happen, all the limitations, all the thinking about thinking about thinking about TMS. I had enough. So this week I have done more in my life than I have in a long time. I refuse to care about the pain. There comes a point when the pain is truly no longer wanted or needed.I decided I am going to live the way I want. Pain cannot be a factor anymore.
As a side effect I have been pain free pretty much for a week. If pain comes, I tell it " you're coming with me whether you like it or not, and there is no compromise. You can do all you want and give me your best shot, but I won't stop and that's the last word".
I call it the "FINAL TMS SOLUTION". My therapist told me this might work. I could care less if it does or doesn't, I have made my mind up that no matter what it decides to do, I'm going forward. Like I said last week, there comes a time when you have nothing left but to submit to whatever is. Severe TMS people must realize that there is a possibility that TMS may never end. But relinquishing that control might be the one thing that you missed the whole time.
By the way, I had the top sleep Neuro check me out for my sleep "jolts" I have had for years. He said Myoclonus and Hypnogogic jerks due to........(drumroll).....STRESS. Actually so much hidden stress he said I could possibly be giving myself temp seizures or an equivalent.
I have no fear of it anymore either, and thus it is slowly going away too.
Like I said, fear is not an option for me. I have survived a nightmare of a life, and the past six years has tested my will to the extreme. I wrote this so if someone with extreme TMS is doing all the work and comes to a place where they resign, maybe they can know that one of the keys is to go forward. I don't think it's a place you can honestly get to unless you have totally had enough of it all. But that place is there, I'm living it. Pain cannot be an option, a motivator, the master, the General, the leader, whatever position it has taken on.
Maybe this is what TMS is all about. Maybe I finally "got it". Maybe some people have to get to a place of total resignation to find what they were searching for the whole time.
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2007 : 05:20:26
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Great. That sounds to me like a big step.
All the best,
Hilary N |
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curingCFS
36 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2007 : 07:38:49
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la kevin,
Thank you for sharing. You know there is a book that might be helpful and useful to you it is called
Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life.
It is supposed to be the next wave in therapy--From Freudian to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to this, Acceptance and Commitment therapy. You can keep writing your angry/rage journal still AND accept where you are right now, in this momment. Do a little check on the book, it may interest you.
It occured to me that at some point the very fight of TMS (especially those not cured from the books reading or within the first month) have to ask themselves if the very fight of TMS is an even enhanced distraction then the pain alone or fatigue alone. Oh about the ACT or acceptance and commitment therapy--the commitment part is going on with your life based on your values, inspite of/with the pain or whatever.
It's a journey of no distance from "total resignation" to total acceptance/surrender.
Regards,
Linda |
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lidge
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2007 : 08:11:48
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Kevin-
Please let me know if you are picking up emails on your email link at this site- there is something I would like to share with you. Its not appropriate to post it here. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2007 : 12:53:58
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quote:
Originally posted by la_kevin
As a side effect I have been pain free pretty much for a week.
Don't be so certain it is just a "side effect".
The #1 task in treating TMS is learning to ignore the pain.
The #2 task is resuming physical activity despite the pain.
The #3 task is to explore the underlying psychological reasons for the pain.
Many people get so consumed with #3 they sink into a never-ending search, compulsively seeking "the answer" that they feel will miraculously stop the pain.
In effect, #3 can become a distraction. An equivalent of the pain. A symptom in and of itself.
I believe it is most important to do #1 and #2, and to do your best at #3 but not become so consumed with it. Eventually #3 should come naturally. As the pain becomes less of a distraction, when you become aware of it you naturally suspect the origin is psychological, and think about the potential cause. This shift in thought becomes a conditioned response.
So, I think you are on the right track with the "I don't care" attitude. We can't control the pain, the best we can do is learn to ignore it. And that in and of itself disarms it. Over time it fades. But most importantly, it loses its grasp on you. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2007 : 15:52:23
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Dave, couldn't agree more. You put it in better words than I have. Thanks. Everyone makes great points too. And Lidge. The email account I use for here is an old one, that I use now as a "trash" email account. So I mostly get porn spam and crap in it by the thousands a week. You can still send emails there, but it's kind of hit or miss.
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2007 : 16:41:28
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I sent you an e-mail saying how good your post was kev, but I guess I'll just tell ya here since you won't get it. Nice job.
you too dave. |
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Going On With Life
