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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
 Posted - 10/11/2007 : 10:19:16
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I've been journaling droves of anger from childhood, and how it made me who I am today. Of course one ton of the anger comes from father issues. The other ton from mother issues. (perhaps theres a few more tons in there undiscovered, hope so, it always re-inforces the diagnosis everytime I have a breakthru).
Anyways, My dad called me today, and I felt no anger at him, or the urge to tell him like it is/was (which I've never done, but perhaps felt I needed to do in order to solve things). I was genuinly happy to hear from him.
It's if I'd gotten so much anger out, I'm slowly losing the fantasy that I need to have a heart to heart w/ him at some point b4 it's too late, or the fantasy he'll come up to me and apologize profusly for my childhood.
It's like a sign that I can get on w/ my life or something.
I don't want to celebrate yet, cause a similar thing happened w/ interacting w/ my mother a few weeks ago, only to see it go south again when we got into it for the first time in a long time. Perhaps I need to make more connections down that path.
For sure, the more interactions I have w/ my kids, the more rage I feel I build up inside since I internally question "where was my attention"? "Where was my foundation?"
Holy cow...did I just write a total psychological post????Am I changing? |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2007 : 11:00:23
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Although not consciously aware of it, I am angry at my parents- my father especially as he was the one who left mom- for divorcing when I was 14. Mom and I were forced to live on welfare for a long time and it was humiliating for her and, at times, for me also. For example, I remember that with the welfare scheme I was under, I was entitled to a pair of prescription glasses but only a limited selection. They were utterly ugly and I was embarassed to wear them. If mom and dad had have stayed together, or if dad would have been more responsible for for my well-being, then I would not have had to go through such humiliation, or so I rationalize. I have many examples of how our economic privations created all kinds of problems for me. The boys I hung around with seemed to always have money while I was always broke and thus, at times, I would be excluded from participating is some activities due shortage of cash. Dad did not support me at all while I was growing up. I had not father figure or real male role model and feel I never really adjusted properly as a result.
From my vantage point a decision (divorce) was made that would have a major impact on my life yet I had no say in that decision.
I do wonder, at times, if I am also secretly angry at my mother even though she was the one who brought me up, took care of me and made many sacrifices on my behalf. It is hard to be consciously angry with her, but when I think about it she was my only authority figure growing up and was quite protective of me. It is hard to be consciously angry with someone you love and appreciate.
*******
Sarno-ize it!
Read chapter 4 of Dr. Sarno's "The Divided Mind." Also chapers 3, 4 and 5 in Dr. Scott Brady's "Pain Free For Life" are very important. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2007 : 17:02:36
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quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
It is hard to be consciously angry with someone you love and appreciate.
Hence the pain distraction. This must be the design of the mind to protect us.
The mind chooses the pain rather than have you/me attack our parents and cause possible irreversible conflict. If these distraction mechanisms did'nt exist, and we carelessly shouted at our parents about the past, or scream at our boss, we would'nt be a "civilized society".
This conflict is brutal. And we have to dig and clean out the closet to come to some sort of acceptence.
Acceptence is so important perhaps, because that time of reconciliation, or letting our parents "have it" will never come, or rarely come. It's only on TV/movies that it actually happens.
Looking back, one of my worst flare ups of unbelievable LBP, right in the center of my spine was on fathers day. I was cleaning the house and could barely sweep the floor, or bend to clean the toilets.
Wierd because the day b4 I was at the park marveling that I seemed to be getting better w/ the pain. I attributed the pain on fathers day to spinning a merry go round very fast w/ 8 or so kids on it at that park the day b4. I had no pain during that, or right after.
I was then afraid to spin them after that. I did it again 2 weeks later, only to get sharp pain right away (made no sense).
That fathers day, brothers came over, my dad was there, and we had a packed house. And I could'nt even talk I had so much pain. I would force a grin, but I was dying and sweating, and getting nauseus, and could'nt wait for everyone to leave. To say I was distracted was an understatement.
What a waste of a day.
Perhaps this was my subconcious protecting me from feelings lashing out at my Dad for all the neglect. Perhaps I need to stop saying perhaps .
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 10/13/2007 : 00:40:55
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From my vantage point a decision (divorce) was made that would have a major impact on my life yet I had no say in that decision.
I wonder if this feeling, whether about divorce or moving or any other major change, is a big contributor to rage. I don't know if it's not having a say or the perhaps more subtle but problematic situation of not having our feelings recognized, or not even a thought being shown that we might HAVE feelings. I've felt similarly about moves and about my parents' separation, and my therapist pointed out that while we don't normally let kids make or often even contribute to decisions like that, healthy parents do let their kids have and express their feelings about the situation.
And skiz, you did write a total psychological post. Wow! I know what you mean about things going up and then down with your parents. I feel similar. Sometimes I want to see them or talk to them and sometimes I just don't want to deal, because I am so angry. It's not really linear. Grief and anger usually aren't, I suppose.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2007 : 18:24:50
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quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
I do wonder, at times, if I am also secretly angry at my mother even though she was the one who brought me up, took care of me and made many sacrifices on my behalf. It is hard to be consciously angry with her, but when I think about it she was my only authority figure growing up and was quite protective of me. It is hard to be consciously angry with someone you love and appreciate.
When I started my TMS work it was all dad that was the problem- or so I thought. My mom on the other hand was the one who sacrificed and was there for me and was the god. Now, after a lot of work, I realize that my TMS is actually all unconscious rage with mom. And it makes sense- she was the one I was totally dependent on. How can you possibly have anger with someone who has a deep wound herself and won't permit anger. To my child self displaying anger meant risking abandonment and non-existance. TMS to the rescue when that rage threatened to surface decades later. |
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hmmm...maybe theres something to this
