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smashist
19 Posts |
 Posted - 09/06/2007 : 00:44:32
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So I've come quite a ways as far as actually believing that this whole TMS thing really exists. It was my last hope against my symptoms, so I've thrown myself into the program as hard as I can (without stressing myself out too much :) )
So I've got some questions about basic psychology. One of the things I discovered I'm ultra-pissed about is how I grew up in an extremely subdued state. By this, I mean, I was a small kid, lacked confidence in my ability to do things, and was easily agitated by changes in routine (which I still don't quite understand). So are these imprints on my psyche permanent? Can they be changed? I remember a few nights ago I got so astronomically pissed about it and I ranted my head off for nearly an hour in the car with a friend of mine, and by the end of it I felt so filled with energy I actually felt like a completely different person. For the first time in I can't remember how long I was able to keep my head up high, look people in the face, talk to new people, all calmly and full of purpose.
However, I find myself slipping.
This really bugs me. I'm torn between two ideas, one is that the inner child has to be nurtured for what it is, anxious, scared, lacking confidence, but at the other time I want to kick some ass and destroy these inadequacies forever. I'm just not so sure if I'm aiming too high or not, I guess. I just want to wake up in the morning feeling like I'm worth something. I'm sick of being society's little stooge.
Oh, that's another thing that is a huge source of anger with me. I internalize the ideals of others, the pressures of others, the expectations of others, so they don't even have to tell me how to behave anymore. Drives me nuts, it's like voices in my head. I get so infuriated with them now that I'm recognizing all of this as utter nonsense. It's like there's no room for myself anymore.
I generally feel much better these days, not perfect by any means, but the process does work, I'm surprised, albeit, a bit slower than I'd hoped. Still agitated by flickering symptoms, diving in and out of my life, I do get scared sometimes as well, which I'm glad I can actually admit now. It pisses me off how my brain does this #*&! to me and I have to go hunting for the answer for it to ease off with the discomfort.
It's sort of ridiculous, what I'm going through. I know I'm getting sidetracked here, but for the love of God I have no one to talk to here in this new townhouse so here I am. Tonight, for instance, I'm feeling prickly, itchy, sensations, the usual wave of nonsense thoughts of physical ailments, so I know something is up. I start ranting and screaming in my car on the way to the supermarket. Finally, I hit a nerve. I said something like "I'm *#)$ing tired!" Bang, my symptoms drop a good 80%. Not perfect, but I feel a whole lot better than I did.
The other night after a similar ranting session about being beat down by society's expectations I was able to kill all of my symptoms completely, for an entire night. It was so wonderful, I felt so relaxed and at ease. Buuuut, it seems like I'm so infuriated that anything can set me off. I just wish I had more of a clue what was going on in my subconscious so I could get to the bottom of this. There's no freudians in my immediate vicinity, and almost everyone I talk to about this has a real hard time wrapping their head around the concepts that I've learned to be true first hand...
Crap.
So, what I really want to know, can that kid inside you heal up and become a shining, confident ray of light? Or am I stuck with the personality I've got? I remember in my grade school years I felt so weak and inadequate. I'm sick of it. I know it's all lies, and that I was born worth something. I don't want to try to cover up this hurt, though, I want to experience it so I can move on. So what to do? I've heard a lot of different perspectives on this. Input?
yeah right. |
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smashist
19 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 00:50:55
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One more thing, I more or less hate the prospect of becoming an adult, so many new rages, I just want to blow things up and punch people all the time. Work makes me feel so miserable, college makes me feel miserable as well, although that's not necessarily the rule. To be honest, most of the time I do feel like a kid being forced to do adult tasks, paying off the visa bill, cleaning the damn house, taking care of chores and errands, it's all a bunch of crap and I hate it all. To some of the older folks here, do you just get used to it, or are you just as pissed as I am? I hope I win the friggin lottery or something so I can just screw around all day and built forts and light things on fire like I used too.
Ugh. That's what I miss, the good old days. Know what I mean? I can't help but feel like it's all gone forever.
yeah right. |
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smashist
19 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 01:03:31
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ANNNNNNNNND another thing.
The part of my brain directing all of these actions, not sure what to call it, let's call it the Black Box, really knows how to push my buttons. I'm sure you could take someone else out there, give them the symptoms I have, and they'd brush them off and forget about them. But I just get so wrapped around my little symptom bracket! God, I just wish it would afflict some other fricking part of my body. Give me your migraines, your fibro, your godamn shin splints and RSI, I'll take those gladly! Those things don't scare me!
Ugh. It really knows how to keep my attention focused, it really does. I hate it so. Ever wonder what it all means? I've been screaming a lot at God lately, even though I'm not really a religious man, just nice to have someone to yell at.
yeah right. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 01:14:01
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Hi smashist,
It sounds like you are almost going straight to the emotional expression part of the work. Sounds like you are making a lot of progress that way, which is excellent. It's common for the symptoms to start out by coming and going when you are first working.
The classical Sarno material says that what you're doing is the most essential part -- recognizing and somehow expressing the feelings we have that we have been repressing, or at least that there are such feelings. You might want to just go on with this, perhaps talking to friends, or a journal, or this board (it's a good place to do that sort of thing), and see how far you can get.
If you do want to do something deeper, you could investigate insight-based therapy. If you're in college you might be able to get this for free or a low cost, and you could see if it helps you. I definitely wish I had gone to therapists when I was in college -- I might have skipped the worst of TMS altogether.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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smashist
19 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 01:31:28
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Yeah, I definitely feel like I'm moving forward. I just have way more issues, way more anger, and way more sadness than I thought. No wonder I felt so anxious during my teen years, it was all so tightly packed away.
What I find bizarre is how my brain automatically blocks out things that aren't even that threatening. For instance, my little "flare" tonight was over something as simple as me being tired, not wanting to go shopping or hanging out with anyone. Since that point I've descended into loneliness. I'm so temperamental.
Ah, another thing, I've taken a few psychology classes that have gone over "infant temperament." From what my folks told me, I screamed when I came out and didn't stop for half a year or so. So I was "difficult." I think there's some potential for immense amounts of repressed distress there, am I still that little temperamental baby, severely distressed by everything? I can see why that kind of thing would be repressed, it would be damn hard to handle the world I'm in now if I was freaking out and crying all the time..
Ugh. I feel better now, btw. Got my brain out of the repeating thought gutter.
yeah right. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 09:36:24
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quote:
I'm so temperamental.
I think a lot of us who have repressed for most of our lives aren't really aware of how normal it is for emotions to go up and down minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. So you may or may not be on the top side of the norm in this respect.
Also, I just wanted to say that so much of what you write is familiar to me. I also have listened to the shoulds, kept my head down and been 'good', bottled everything up so as not to discomfit others.
It takes time and is difficult, but there is a way out.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 10:11:48
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| I kept my head down as a kid and ended up with gastritis at age 12. I kept my head down in high school (stay under the radar was my motto) and ended up with two years of mono. I kept my head down in young adulthood and ended up in an abusive marriage. |
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 10:13:10
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| now I am a giraffe in a boat crowsnest and I'm NOT keeping my head down. |
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Kristin
98 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 10:55:58
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Wow! You are making amazing progress. I wish I had discovered Dr. Sarno in college! Don't worry about "slipping". It's all progress and it takes awhile to recondition ourselves. Be easy on yourself. In fact, treat yourself to good healthy, playful fun. Our inner child might be part of the problem but I'm starting to believe by giving him or her positive attention, they might be a little less fussy or throw fewer tantrums!
I am a fully acting adult, job, two kids, husband and yes I feel rage at all the endless mundane tasks I face everyday. I just want to be an artist, do yoga, play music, sit on the beach and breathe the fresh air. I also feel as though my potential was repressed in childhood. Somewhere I got the idea that doing the right thing was more important than finding what I love.
My rage does sometimes get expressed in an awkward and uncomfortable way through anger and fear. The complementary work I'm doing outside of treating TMS on my own, is Julia Cameron's Artist's Way. It's created for artists but it can apply to anyone who needs to break out of blocking patterns. |
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smashist
19 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 13:52:37
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^ Yeah I've been working at developing artistic interests. I'm actually a lot better at figuring out what I really enjoy now instead of doing things that are "cool." It's funny, because now that I do that, everyone thinks all my hobbies are wildly cool. I spin fire poi in my spare time again after a year hiatus.
I remember feeling so lost and frustrated over why I didn't enjoy anything. It was all just because I was furious, and not knowing what I was furious at so no problems were getting solved. All of my anger is starting to move from displaced (traffic lights and shtuff) to focused now.
yeah right. |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 18:12:01
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quote:
Originally posted by smashist
So, what I really want to know, can that kid inside you heal up and become a shining, confident ray of light?
Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!!!!!!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the Universe. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing so enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God, which is within us. It is not in just some of us, it is in all of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."
~Marianne Williamson |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 18:35:13
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
I think a lot of us who have repressed for most of our lives aren't really aware of how normal it is for emotions to go up and down minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. So you may or may not be on the top side of the norm in this respect.
Holyschmoly ACL!!!!! How very true. For 30 years I mostly lived on Cloud 9. I ran the most amazing lemonade stand in town: Always turning lemons to lemonade ... to stay up and happy and disconnected from bad emotions. I didn't ruffle feathers. I let others get ahead of me in line. I constantly sacrificed my feelings and mirrored others feelings.
Today I find myself explaining (probably over explaining) to people my ambivalence over things, as it's the first time in my life I see both sides of emotions. It's so new to me. I see my children and they live this everyday, it's normal for them. Sometimes there UP, sometimes their blue. I try so hard to never tell them not to feel a certain way, but to embrace every feeling and know that however they feel is transient. I try to do the same with me ... to be authentic and honest with myself.
What percentage of people are normal do you think--in the sense you mean?
>|< Penn |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 19:00:33
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In a book I'm reading right now, the author estimates 5-20% of us get what we need in childhood to become our true self. So, 80-95% are probably emotionally inhibited in some way. Scary statistic, if it's true.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2007 : 20:06:37
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
In a book I'm reading right now, the author estimates 5-20% of us get what we need in childhood to become our true self. So, 80-95% are probably emotionally inhibited in some way. Scary statistic, if it's true.
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Wherever you go, there you are.
Wow. Guess that's not surprising if we consider the state we're in ... culturally I mean. What does the book prescribe to NOT emotionally inhbit a child? In Drama of gifted Child, Miller says a significant thing a mother can do is to completely mirror her child's emotions. Don't recall her elaborating on how long (age), or how to segue out. So this topic is curious to me...
>|< Penny |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 09:39:12
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The book I have (Charles Whitfield, The Child Within) is useful because it talks about what the needs are, but there isn't as much focus on meeting them. I guess one could talk about techniques in therapy or parenting groups.
I think the parental mirroring changes in character as a child grows. At first it must be nonverbal, smiling, looking, interest, laughing, playing, soothing, etc. Then I guess with toddlers you start to introduce words for desires and feelings, as well as being responsive and empathetic, and slowly start to discuss how feelings work, and what they mean, and how each person has different ones.
What I think for older kids is most important (based on the fact that this is what I wish I'd had) is to have emotions recognized, acknowledged as legitimate and important, and be able to talk about and share them. I don't think older kids need constant mirroring in the way that an infant does because they have developed their sense of a separate self; they know that they are a person with emotions and needs. What they need is more to not have the feelings denied or minimized, and to be able to talk about them. In my family we couldn't really talk about anger and sadness because they were 'dangerous' emotions that, I guess, must have triggered defenses in my parents. If we do our own inner child work, then we are able to have and discuss all emotions in the family, and the child is likely to grow up comfortable being his/her emotional self.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 14:56:14
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
In my family we couldn't really talk about anger and sadness because they were 'dangerous' emotions that, I guess, must have triggered defenses in my parents.
Thanks ACL. This was very true for me too growing up and even still with my parents. Not allowed to indulge in any unpleasant emotions. Only my dad could pitch ridiculous over-reactive anger outbursts, no one else.
Strange thing happened last week. Saw my parents for the first time in ages. I went to the pet store with my mother and my daughters. We were looking at the cats when I noticed one who looked exactly like the one we had to put-to-sleep 2 years ago. As soon as I saw him, I burst into tears b/c he reminded me so much of my kitty. My dear mother put her arm around me, and blocked me from my children's view and said "oh no, no, no, no, don't do that, don't let the children see you upset like this." It was so amazing to see her try to comfort me as an adult by advising me to suppress my feelings. For the first time I didn't blame her for this. I recognized that she was doing this out of love for me and her granddaughters, NOT out of limiting or denying me, but really because she didn't know how to handle me being upset. After a over a year of psychoT, this moment transformed my ugly perception of her reasoning into compassion for her. It was a precious moment that gave me great understanding.
>|< Penn |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 18:07:40
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Wow, Penny, that must have been quite a moment. I don't think I have gotten that far. I certainly understand that my parents did their best, but when they try to repeat BS that they have pulled in the past, it just makes me angry/upset. Luckily, I am learning to speak up and say that it upsets me.
FWIW, I would have given a lot to know my parents cared that much about the pets we lost.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Penny
USA
364 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2007 : 19:09:13
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ACL Thanks for sharing that about your pets. I try really hard not to censor my feelings too much around my children. It's probably a good thing that we only see my parents a few times a year, otherwise I'd probably be more guarded.
What made the moment so significant to me was my ability to see both sides of what was happening. Usually, I feel so isolated by my feelings, especially the negative ones that I am only now really learning how to experience and process. After it happened I was able to process my feelings at the time that were ambivalent. I felt very annoyed with her for trying to stop me: Then I realized she was so upset for me she had no clue how to console me and couldn't bare to let me be as I felt ... very upset. The same thing happened earlier this year when I had my miscarriage. She would never bring it up, and if I did, she would just say something like "you're handling it SO well". I actually wasn't. It was very hard. It was very hard. But I got thru it.
I'm at this place of acceptance with a lot of things, but still feel I have a lot of work. The first half of my parents' visit I was very TMSy. It sucked. I was a moment away from a migraine constantly. But I pressed thru it and tried to understand why I was feeling so anxious. I stuck up for myself and actually relaxed enough that by the last day with them I enjoyed myself. This is the first time in years that my dad and I didn't have a huge blowup fight, without me repressing so it felt like a win.
>|< Penn |
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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2007 : 23:31:27
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quote:
Originally posted by Penny
The first half of my parents' visit I was very TMSy. It sucked. I was a moment away from a migraine constantly. But I pressed thru it and tried to understand why I was feeling so anxious. I stuck up for myself and actually relaxed enough that by the last day with them I enjoyed myself. This is the first time in years that my dad and I didn't have a huge blowup fight, without me repressing so it felt like a win.
This is so inspiring to read, that you did the work and it took time to figure it out. Yay for sticking up for yourself.
Mamaboulet -- thanks for the image of the giraffe in the crow's nest. I think I'm gonna draw a picture of that and put it on the wall. On this side of TMS it seems peculiar that I ever saw a benefit to hiding myself away.
I was hidden so completely, though, that it's taken the past 1.5+ years just to see some parts of myself. So, still, it's really challenging to express a negative opinion for me. Lucky I can practice with some of my friends before I have to try the tougher folks like family members or at work the boss. Also, I struggle to define who I really am in context of others because I feel like I am answering that question anew for my own self.
Smashist -- I agree with the others that you are on the upswing and seem headed in a growth direction. Thanks for such an honest and illuminating post -- it really made me think.
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Psychological questions
