It's amazing what a change in perspective can do when I look back on my chronology of pain. Running through it all is the childhood rage toward my father. I have so much conscious rage toward him I can't even imagine how much of it is repressed. And for each onset or escalation of pain/symptoms, there is a rage-inducing life situation to match. Yeah, I'm big on the self-pressure guilty perfectionist scale. The carpal tunnel appeared while my second marriage was breaking up. The horrible back spasms and excruciating hip pain (plus the panic attacks, severe depression, and escalation of stomach problems)began when I went through a horribly disappointing two years of grad school that I eventually bailed on. The first back pain (sacrum) happened (no apparent injury)during the awful two years that my current hubby had a badly broken leg (multiple surgeries, he checked out emotionally for 2 years), the plantar fasciitis showed up the first time when I went back to grad school, the knee problem went ballistic when we were living in a horrible work situation (my husband's boss was unbearable and we lived in isolated conditions with him in our face), and the second, extremely crippling round of plantar fasciitis came on the heels of the knee surgery. When we moved away from the horrible work situation, we moved to a new situation that I have had trouble adjusting to. The anxiety skyrocketed and the back got much worse (Podiatrist put me on orthotics, which reduced my foot pain dramatically).
In other words, I have felt increasingly more angry that my life has been out of control since about 1996, and I am a control freak. |
about that rage
Posted - 08/24/2007 : 09:19:17
