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dwinsor52
USA
81 Posts |
 Posted - 05/22/2007 : 05:24:18
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I feel like an idiot. Have been in TMS relapse and obviously the pain has not distracted me enough when it is in the old locations, so it picked a new one. The new location felt like a collapsed lung or something - I couldn't take a breath. So I went to the doctor who of course did an EKG and sent me for a chest xray. There is nothing wrong with me!!!! I am sure other people can relate to my saying that i was so upset!!!!! I wanted something to be amiss but fixable by an antibiotic. Now I am flabbergasted by the power of TMS pain - that it could be so bad that I can't take a breath. This is ridiculous!!!!! So now I am wondering WHAT I AM DOING WRONG that it won't go away. I was pain free for 2 years!!!! I must be putting tremendous pressure on myself inside. i have been reading books on how to talk to your unconscious, and contrary to yelling at my brain, the books tell me to make friends with it. Well, it is not helping me to talk gently to my unconscious. Today I am telling my own unconscious to F off!!!!! If anyone has a specific suggestion for how to reprogram, let me know. I am used to doing "life as usual" despite the pain. I think right now the fear of not getting out of relapse might be overwhelming me inside. Having had 2 years pain free, it feels even scarier to think I might not get that again. Also, I want to go to a muscular therapist just to break the spasm in my chest, but I am telling myself that it will only impede my progress. TMS sucks, it really does.
Debby |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2007 : 07:07:34
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Debby
Did you stop doing the mental work after you recovered? One has a tendency to forget over time if they don't keep up with the reading a mental work.
*******
Sarno-ize it!
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Edited by - shawnsmith on 05/22/2007 09:30:54 |
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sonora sky
USA
181 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2007 : 08:01:15
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quote:
Originally posted by dwinsor52
WHAT I AM DOING WRONG
I must be putting tremendous pressure on myself inside. i have been reading books on how to talk to your unconscious, and contrary to yelling at my brain, the books tell me to make friends with it. Well, it is not helping me to talk gently to my unconscious. Today I am telling my own unconscious to F off!!!!!
I think right now the fear of not getting out of relapse might be overwhelming me inside. Having had 2 years pain free, it feels even scarier to think I might not get that again.
Gosh, this all sounds so familiar to me and my own TMS journey. I think you answered your own question, "What am I doing wrong?": "I must be putting tremendous pressure on myself inside." And also, "the fear of not getting out of relapse might be overwhelming me inside." I vascilate between feeling pretty good and being in states like this. I'm not sure I can give advice, as I haven't gotten my own handle on it yet, but I do know that the insane pressure we put on ourselves is counterproductive. I think that fear is also the biggest thing that holds up our progress. I know there has to be something other than either ignoring the pain (continuing about your normal buisness, pretending that you feel just fine) or being angry, infurated, and frustrated with it (and with yourself for having it and not being able to get past it). I really do think compassion is the right direction. But I think that your underlying impatience and fear (that the pain might never go away) belies the superficial compassion (being "nice") you are trying to bestow on your unconsious. I was/am here too. Your post has really helped me to understand why my compassionate attitude isn't working. (Because, underneath the gentleness, I still expect it to be working, dammit! This better work!)
I think compassion--especially for those of us with perfectionist tendencies--is a difficult concept to internalize and develop. I suppose that's why there're lots of books on the topic! It's more than just thinking, 'oh, I should be nice to myself!' (Wow, the big 'should' (guilt, embarassment, and shame, and self-loathing) is written right into that one...). It's about learning how to give ourselves an unconditional break. If we hold on to the fear and the time limits, this is not true compassion; we are just fooling ourselves.
I'm not sure which books you're reading, but I've really been enjoying Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart. It dovetails wonderfully with this topic and with TMS.
Thanks for your post!
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2007 : 08:39:56
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[quote]Originally posted by shawnsmith
Debby
Did you stop doing the mental work after you recovered. One has a tendency to forget over time if they do keep up with the reading a mental work.
*******
Shawnsmith is correct. I got out of the habit of doing my mental work and my pains have returned. I started reading Sarno and this forum again and the pain is slowly going away.
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dwinsor52
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2007 : 10:13:45
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I actually think I might be trying TOO hard. All I do is journal, read about talking to my unconscious, read, talk to my unconscious, yell at my unconscious, cajole my unconscious, soothe my unconscious, read more, journal more. I am so aware of inner rage I am sick of myself. I am tired of thinking about myself!!!!!!! I think it tends to be best for me to try to not think of the pain but it's been trying to hard to get my attention that it is, as I said, trying to make me believe something is really wrong.
This relapse came about when I was once again challenged about renewing a relationship with my mother, who I have not seen in 10 years. That is a good thing. But I have guilt. I believe my guilt leads to conflict, which must lead to internal rage. In a nutshell, my mother did something horrible to me and my daughter and refuses to renew a relationship unless I never speak of it again. And I can't live like that anymore. So instead of feeling the rage at being put between a rock and a hard place for my entire life (because she has done a hundred horrible things that i am not allowed to speak about), I feel guilt. You know, the "I should forgive and make peace" guilt. It's not that I can't forgive, I just can't forget. And I have been stuck because, after all, a "good" daughter would just accept a mother's mental illness and alcoholism and not let the abuse and insanity get to her.
Okay, so that's what I am dealing with. I am sure my brain is hoping that pain will help me to not feel guilt. After all, if I am in pain, I can't deal with anything else, right? |
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JBar
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2007 : 11:28:33
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Hi Debby, I am also trying to get through a relapse. I know exactly what you are going through -- you know it is TMS and yet you feel helpless and scared because you can't seem to get it under control. I was pain free for over a decade until about 2 years ago when I had intermittent acute pain which has progressed to full-blown TMS with total fixation on the body, strong fear of physical activity, etc. The pattern, intensity, and location of pain all were slightly different this time. I too tried 'life as usual' to no avail. So, you are not alone. Once I decided that TMS had happened to me all over again, my approach was to re-read Healing Back Pain from the beginning as though I was starting over. There were a lot of details that I had forgotten over the years and I again felt the 'rightness' of the diagnosis. I thought a lot about my mental state and had a few epiphanies about suppressed anger and disappointment in my life over the past few years. Here is what I have been doing: I continually remind myself that TMS is a mind-body disorder that I can gain control over and put behind me. It is obviously not normal to live with a disabling pain syndrome and although it is difficult to imagine now, there is a pathway back to a pain-free life. You did it once before. You must do battle with this disorder and acknowledge (if not resolve) the pschological issues that are the root cause.
Jeff. |
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Special One
USA
61 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2007 : 00:44:46
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Debby,
I know it is more complicated than this, but I thought I'd share something I learned in Transactional Analysis therapy a while back. You have to find a way to get "unhooked" from the fantasy you have about your mom being a good mother and grandmother. She is not herself if she is an alcoholic. You and your daughter must go on without her. And that's okay.
Marian |
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dwinsor52
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2007 : 05:57:42
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| Thank you! I think that I feel a lot of internal pressure to be able to handle a more "removed" relationship with her. I have some well meaning Christians in my life who tell me i should love the sinner but not the sin,so to speak. There is a tremendous amount of self imposed pressure and resulting internal rage that I am unable to set appropriate boundaries with an abusive old lady. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2007 : 06:35:35
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quote:
Originally posted by dwinsor52
Thank you! I think that I feel a lot of internal pressure to be able to handle a more "removed" relationship with her. I have some well meaning Christians in my life who tell me i should love the sinner but not the sin,so to speak. There is a tremendous amount of self imposed pressure and resulting internal rage that I am unable to set appropriate boundaries with an abusive old lady.
Now you are thinking along the right track. You are examining the source of your inner rage and the pressures on you to behave one way while feeling something altogether different on the inside. This is indeed the stuff TMS is made of. You will beat back TMS just like you did before because you know the secret.
*******
Sarno-ize it!
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dwinsor52
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2007 : 16:11:54
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That is so true - my inner feelings are often very different from the outside and I am often unaware of them. For example, I saw my therapist today and I have been angry about something. When I expressed myself, she did not respond in a way I would have liked. So instead of telling her that, I tried to please her so as to not be too much trouble. I left the office agreeing to do something that an hour later I realized I did not want to do. So then I realized that I did the opposite of what I wanted to do in order to appease someone else.
With my mother and sister, I feel guilty that it is a relief to not have to deal with two crazy women So I spend a lot of time trying to rationalize to others why I don't communicate with them, instead of allowing myself the freedom to make a choice on my own behalf.
I realize I am so suggestible to what others' say and approve of. But that makes me mad at myself, so more internal pressure!
Debby |
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My TMS Hoodwinked Me!!!!!!!
